Merry Christmas - Second try to post extract from The Trilogy of the Perfect Child
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The Perfect Child
Richard Gargus
I've always loved camping. Once I find a spot that I really like, I
tell no one. Telling others results in the site getting used by people
with less concern about its future use, and without fail, soon the
site is trashed and ruined by those campers that just don't give a
dam. So, once found, I keep my secret to myself. It was just such a
site that I was headed for the following weekend. I was really
excited, and found myself preparing all week. I had everything packed
by Wednesday, and had it all by the garage door, ready to be loaded. I
even considered taking Friday off and leaving early, but since Monday
and Tuesday were days off, I decided I had better get all I could done
this week, since next week would be so short. I surely didn't want to
have to work all the following weekend because I played the weekend
before.
I was fidgety all week, and finally the magic hour of 5 o'clock Friday
arrived. I had my van loaded Thursday night, and was heading straight
away from work. I would have to cross town to get home, and then again
on the route to the mountains, so it made more sense to load up
Thursday night and leave from work Friday. I only had one last stop to
make for food and ice, and knew of a convenient market on the north
side of town where I would stop. I would also fill my tanks there and
be on my way. I shut my system down, wished everyone a great weekend,
and practically ran out the door.
Starting out on the road, I had the instant feeling that I was on a
short vacation. I stabbed a CD into the player, cranked it up to
window shattering volume, and pointed north. After a short drive, I
arrived at the market, and parked some distance away, wanting to have
space around the van to finish my packing. A quick 15 minutes shopping
tour brought me to the last steps in my preparation plans. I packed
the ice chests, and threw the ice bags on the concrete to pulverize
the contents. Then I packed the ice into all the chests, shaking them.
After packing the last of the ice in place, I slid the chest with the
cold drinks up between the captain chairs in the van. I had a 4-hour
drive ahead of me, and didn't want to stop again till I got there. As
it was, it would be about 10pm before I arrived, and I would have to
sleep the first night in the van.
Once I was back on the road, I let my mind drift ahead to the cool
stream running under the canopy of trees. Singing a river song as it
ran through the gorge, the river was dancing with trout. The play of
light in the
The Trilogy of the Perfect Child5mountains and the gorge ran the
spectrum of colors, and already I had many magnificent scenery shots
from my secret hideaway adorning my walls at home. I thought of the
shots I had planed and of tomorrow's lunch of baked trout. I could
smell the smoke already as I envisioned it curling up from the
fireplace. Tingles of anticipation flowed through me. I pressed the
gas just a little harder.
Ten minutes of 10, I pulled up to my campsite. I stepped out of the
van and relieved myself. The temperature was about 40 degrees and I
shivered as I stood in a perfectly black night. My eyes soaked up
ancient photons as I scanned the bright Sagittarius arm spilling its
stars across the heavens. It always astounded me to see dark nebula as
well as the bright collection of billions of stars. This was a vision
awarded only those with perfect night skies, and this!, this was a
perfect night sky. I stared for several more minutes before getting
back into the van and lying down on my pre-made bed. The rare mountain
air and the soothing moan of the wind through the gorge lulled me
quickly to sleep.
I awoke early the next morning, bathed in red and yellow light
reflected from the upper ridges of the gorge. I could tell by the
smell, it was going to be a perfect day, and I started coffee in my
battery-powered percolator. Hey, I love to camp, but I see no reason
to not enjoy some conveniences. And coffee, well, that is a necessity,
not a convenience anyway.
I stepped out of the van and stretched as the coffee brewed. I took my
camera with me and grabbed a few memories of the rising sun painting
the vertical stone walls in spectrums. After a few minutes, the smell
of the fresh coffee became overpowering and turned me into a zombie
with one goal. I poured a hot smoking mug of coffee, and huddled
around it, drawing the warmth into me, and breathing in the
intoxicating fumes. Only then did I begin to sip the vitalizing brew.
I sat on the running board, gawking at my surroundings. Yes, this was
everything I had remembered it to be. A clump of trees grew at the
edges of the stream, almost as dense as a forest, and filled the flat
bottom of the 100-foot wide gorge. I was parked as far into the gorge
as you could drive a roadworthy vehicle, and I saw no signs of anyone
being further back upstream.
After my third cup of coffee, I began dragging supplies and equipment
out of the van, and spreading them in an arc. I set up my folding
table and chair, and placed the ice chests under the table for shade.
Next, I set up the tent near the edge of the stream so as to get the
maximum sound effect from the gurgling water. I rigged my pole holders
downstream from the tent, and set up two rigs to hedge my bets for my
first lunch here. After about an hour, I surveyed the area, and was
happy that even though I was obviously in a 21st century campsite, I
was satisfied to note there was no damage to the surroundings as a
result of its being here. Also, the colors of my equipment contrasted
only slightly with the canyons own colors. Only the van itself was out
of place in this quiet, natural environment.
I gathered wood for a fire, and pilled it against a large boulder a
short distance from the stream's edge. This boulder made a nice
natural wind break, and I had found it to be a perfect place to set up
kitchen. I gathered all the wood I could find, knowing that whatever
I didn't use, other campers would at another time. Also by gathering
it, I helped to minimize the risk of a fire in the woods themselves. I
had it stacked in three piles, kindling, small logs, and large logs.
Next I gathered rocks to add to the ring I had built for my campfire
last year. It was somewhat scattered now, and I rebuilt it with a mix
of the original and additional rocks. Completing this, I set about
starting a fire. I wanted some hot coals by lunchtime to bake the fish
I would soon be pulling from the stream. After getting the fire going,
I warmed myself a bit and headed off to my destiny battle with the
aquatic beasts.
After several casts, I snagged a couple of would be meals, and put
them in my basket. The stream was cold and I was glad that the
critters were so cooperative as to join me for lunch with so little
fanfare. Wading back out of the icy water, I glimpsed a motion at the
edge my eyesight. I turned my head, but there was nothing there. "Oh
great. Company." I thought. But not seeing anyone, I decided it might
be a deer or other animal that ran across me to its own horror, and
quickly decided on a new agenda. I cleaned my fish and wrapped the
carcasses in tin foil, after applying a bit of butter and lemon juice.
Two potatoes had already been in the coals for an hour so I fished
them out and set them on the rocks beside the fire. They would stay
warm there while I cooked my new treasures. I pushed the tin
sarcophagus into the coals and poured myself a fresh cup of coffee.
The sun was pretty much over head now, and I glanced at the roof of my
van where I had a sun tea jar awaiting the sun's ultraviolet light to
leach the leafy rewards into the water. It had a nice woody color and
would be a nice brew for the later afternoon and evening.
After thirty minutes, I fished the smoldering, sizzling ruins out of
the fire and opened my feast in a foil. This was what I was here for.
The smell of the baked trout was almost enough in itself for a meal.
But my stomach insisted on more so I sat quietly and ate the delicate
treat, staring at my surroundings. Again, at the corner of my vision,
there was a motion. It was subtle, but definitely there. I looked
again, and again saw nothing at first, but as I stared, I realized I
was looking into two small blue eyes. They were barely visible, almost
hidden in the underbrush. They were topped by dirty white fur above.
Trying to determine what kind of animal this was, I stared for several
minutes. I slowly, quietly, rose and went to the van. I found my
binoculars and turned to look. Nothing. The critter had vanished. I
went back to my table and finished my meal of trout and baked potato.
Fully satiated, I grabbed my camera and began to stroll down the creek
bank. From time to time, I noticed a nice view, and captured it
forever in silver. Occasionally I would spot a heart wrenching view
and would take more time about stealing the light to be sure to
capture the image just so. Several times I was distracted from my
Ansel Adams mode by motions at the edge of my vision. Hoping to
capture the critter with my lens, on several occasions I just turned
the camera slowly in that direction and fired a shot off with a
nonchalant flick of the wrist. I made verbal notes to my voice
recorder about the frame number and what I was attempting to capture
so that when I got my film processed I would know to look with more
than a cursory eye at the resulting otherwise comparatively bland
picture.
After a couple of hours, the sun had moved to the west and was
approaching the top of the ridge of the gorge. It gets very dark, very
quickly in these circumstances and I didn't want to be far from camp
when the night arrived. I turned back toward camp and captured a whole
new set of memories as the changed light transformed my earlier
passage into a whole new vista. I had run through three rolls of film
by the time I returned to camp, and the sun had transited fully to the
west. I moved my sun tea over to the stream to chill, and dug out some
provisions for a hasty evening meal. I pilled a few logs into the fire
pit and fanned the cooling coals to a vigorous crackling until some of
the loose bark on the new sacrifices began to convert.
What a perfect day! What a perfect evening! Only one thing could top
it now. A nice chilled glass of ice tea. I grabbed my camp cup and
went to the edge of the stream where my tea was now the same
temperature as the icy water. I poured a first cup and savored the
taste. It was one of my favorite evening teas, Celestial Seasons
"Sleepy time". A pleasant tea for such a serene evening. Again I
filled my cup and turned to the campfire. I almost dropped my cup in
the sand when I saw standing by the campfire, a child. Maybe five. She
stood there in a dirty white dress, missing a shoe, one thumb in her
mouth and her other hand hanging by her side clutching a small dirty
stuffed bear.
"Hello," I said to her. She stared at me sucking her thumb like it was
a steak dinner. "Are you camping here honey?" I asked. I noticed she
had blonde, almost white hair, now matted and dirty, and the deepest
blue eyes I had ever seen. I realized this was my skittish critter.
"Are you hungry?" I slowly started to approach her, but she turned and
ran behind the boulder. I waited for her to appear on the other side,
but when she didn't, I decided to continue to talk to her. Surely this
child must be starving, and if she was lost, very likely terrified as
well. "I have some cookies here. I wonder if some little girl might
want one. Maybe I should just leave one out here on this big rock. And
you know what else? I think I have some nice cold milk that would go
nicely along with it." I didn't walk around the edge of the rock for
fear of scaring her again. I knew that she must be starving and didn't
want to risk running her off. "Well," . . . yawn . . . "I think I will
lie down for a short nap." With that I went into my van and found my
cellular. As I next moved to my tent I said, "Well, I guess I'll just
leave that milk and cookie out there so maybe some little girl might
enjoy them." I ducked into my tent and sat down inside. Quietly I
dialed 911."Hello, this is John Alford. I am camped up here and all
day long have been followed by a child. She appears to be about five
and from the looks of it, has been here for some time. I know she must
be hungry, she has been following me all day and unless she is a good
hunter, there isn't anything up here for her to eat. I'm sure she's
terrified, and it gets really cold up here at night. . . . what? . . .
Yes, blonde, with blue eyes . . . yes, wearing a short white dress . .
. yes, and a teddy bear . . .". The next statement coming from the
other end of the line sent chills down my spine.
"Sir, we have had reports of that child for the last 10 years. We have
had search party after search party up there, and have never turned up
even the slightest evidence of a lost child. I know it is
disconcerting, but we think she is an apparition of some sort. We
can't explain it, but we know that she doesn't really exist." I stared
disbelieving at the phone. "Sir? Sir, are you still there? Mr.
Alford?" it rattled.
"Uhhh, yes . . . I'm here. I know she's real though. I saw her. Don't
you think you should at least try one more time? She could die up
here, and it wouldn't take long for a small child. She could die from
exposure alone, not to mention animals. I can't believe you won't even
look."
"Sir, I will send the sheriff up in the morning, but folks around here
won't search for her anymore. They have been called up so many times
that if a real little girl got lost, it would be just be too bad, but
no one here will search again. You have to understand that anyone who
sees her gets pretty emotional with concern. All kinds of claims have
been made to get a search party together, but bottom line, it's always
the same. No child, nor any trace of a child has ever been found. Try
to understand our position on this. I know it's difficult to believe,
but what you see is not really a lost child."
hung up, staring at the phone. I couldn't believe what I had just
been told. Then remembering the child, I looked out the net window and
saw that the milk and cookies were gone. At least she was real enough
to eat and drink. How could anyone be so callous as to let this child
wander lost in the woods? I sat there a few minutes trying to decide
what to do next. Finally, I exited the tent and stood staring at the
empty glass and a few crumbs on the rock.
"Well, well. I see some little girl has enjoyed the milk and cookies.
I wonder if that was enough to eat. I think if I was a little girl, I
would like another glass of milk and a couple more cookies. Yes, I
think I will just pour another glass of milk and put some more cookies
on the rock. You never know when a little girl might just need some
more." With that, I poured more milk and set two more cookies out on
the rock. Next, I sat at a slight distance, facing the fire, the rock
with the sacrifice 20 feet to my right. I continued talking
soothingly. "I sure wish I had a pretty little girl. I'd make sure she
always had milk and cookies. And a pretty new dress too." A movement .
.
"I think a nice warm bed would be just the thing too. And maybe a nice
bubble bath. And some books to read, too. Yes, if I had a little girl,
she'd have everything she needed. I'd be sure of that." I turned my
head slightly. There she was. Standing on the other side of the rock,
munching one of the cookies. The bear hung at one side squeezed
lovingly to her. I slowly turned my head now fully towards her.
"My little girl would always be welcome at my campfire too. And maybe
her favorite bear would like a bath too." I said. She clutched her
bear tighter, and stared at me with big eyes. "Or maybe just a good
brushing. Teddy bears love to have their fur brushed. It feels really
good to them, and helps make them clean." She looked at her bear,
holding it up in front of her. Then, tentatively she laid it on the
rock and backed away a few feet. She was trusting me with her only
possession. I slowly moved over to the rock and sat in the sand beside
it. I pulled out my pocket comb and began to lightly comb through the
fur. It was tangled with weeds and stems and dirt. Cleaning it the
best I could with my comb, I said, "There, that's better. And look at
the smile Teddy has now." Leaving the bear on the rock, I moved back
to my chair. The little girl moved quickly to recover her beloved toy,
now much softer, and held it tightly against her cheek with one hand,
while sucking the thumb of the other.
"Teddy sure is happy to have had his hair brushed. I bet a certain
little girl would like to have her hair brushed too." She just stared
at me and tried to melt her thumb. "Well, maybe not just yet. Maybe
some other time. Hey, you know, I think I have an extra blanket. I bet
that would be nice to wrap up in. I think I am going to wrap up in
one. Would you like to have one?" I asked. She just stared. As I rose,
she tensed ready to run. I slowly turned to the van and walked over to
it. She held her ground. I grabbed two blankets and as I approached
the rock, she backed away. I laid a folded blanket on the rock, and
carried the other to my chair. Wrapping it around my shoulders, I sat
down. Slowly, she moved back to the rock and took the offered blanket.
She wrapped the blanket over her shoulders and came around to my side
of the rock. She sat down, clinging to her bear with one hand, and
sucking the thumb of the other.
She was a pretty little girl. She couldn't be over five. I continued
to speak to her soothingly for an hour or so. Each time I would move,
or get up to put wood on the fire, she would tense, ready to bolt at
any sign of aggression. She was as skittish as a wild bird. I was
content to let her keep her distance, and allow her to feel free to
leave if she wished. But for now, I knew my fire and blanket warmed
her, and her stomach had at least a few cookies and some milk to
digest. I told her stories about princesses and frogs. I told her
poems and rhymes. As I talked to her, and stared at her, I could not
believe this child was an apparition. I dared not try to capture her,
yet I dared not allow her to wander off into the night again. I
decided to just leave her by the fire with the blanket, and let her
know she was welcome to sleep in the van or the tent or just by the
fire if she chose to. I told her I would have breakfast for her in the
morning. Having said all this to her, I went to my tent and settled in
for a difficult night. I tossed and turned, and on several occasions,
looked through the netting to see her still sitting by the fire,
sucking her thumb. As long as I knew she was warm, I was doing all I
could, but still I slept fitfully.
The next morning, first thing, I looked for my little visitor. She was
no place to be found. The blanket lay crumpled on the ground by the
rock. I started a pot of coffee, and stoked up the fire. As I fried
some eggs and bacon, I caught a glimpse of motion just at the edge of
the woods. "Well, I think I cooked way too many eggs for just me. And
look at all that bacon! I sure hope someone shows up to help me eat
all this. I'll fix an extra plate full just in case someone does, and
put it right here on this rock. I bet some toast and milk would go
good with it too." I said in an elevated voice. I prepared two plates
of food, and left one sitting on the rock beside a glass of milk. I
sat down and ate my breakfast facing the fire. I had also folded the
blanket back up and laid it on the rock. Seeing slight motion on my
right, I turned to look, and there she was. Instead of sucking her
thumb, she used that hand to stuff eggs, bacon, and toast into her
mouth silently, staring at me all the while. "Well, Good morning to
you. I hope you slept well." I said to her. Please feel free to wrap
yourself in that blanket if you are cold. Mornings up here sure are
cool. I pulled my own blanket I'd left on the chair overnight over my
shoulders for emphasis.
The breakfast was good, and it was made better knowing that I had
gotten the child to eat a full meal. She had eaten all the food I left
her, and drank a full glass of milk. She now sat close to the fire,
huddled in the blanket as I spoke softly to her. Forgetting all other
things, I concentrated on making her comfortable and relaxed. I felt I
was slowly winning her confidence and I didn't want to do anything to
disturb that growing trust. I had food enough so that I didn't really
need to fish, and I had hundreds of photographs both on my walls at
home and in my camera from this trip, so that if I did nothing else, I
had what I had come for. I felt no loss at this kind of intrusion. I
wanted badly to know that this child was cared for, and that she would
not be haunting me with concern when I went back home. I could not
accept the idea that she was not real. I could not leave these woods
knowing she was lost up here, exposed to the weather and animals.
Already I was thinking about what to do. I was lost in these thoughts
as I heard a car approaching. When I turned to look I saw it was a
police car. As it approached, the little girl disappeared behind the
boulder.
"Morning." the sheriff said as he got out of his car. "Mighty pretty
day isn't it?"
"Sure is. Want some coffee?" I offered.
"Yes, thanks. Are you Mr. Alford?" He asked. I told him I was. "Tom
Swinney." he announced offering me his hand. I shook it and sat down
on my chair.
"She was here when you drove up, but she ran as soon as she saw your
car. She was sitting right there wrapped up in that blanket. She ate
breakfast with me this morning. She's a pretty little blonde with big
blue eyes. She's wearing a short white dress, like something for
Sunday school." I told him. He sat on the rock, and looked at the
blanket and empty plate. He sipped his coffee and looked around.
"I know you're concerned. You would have to be less than human if you
weren't. All I can do is ask you to believe me when I tell you that
this is not the first time this has happened. I have to admit though,
that you seem to have interacted with her more than most people have.
I never heard of her eating before, but otherwise the description is
the same. Has been now, for nearly 10 years. I have searched the
entire area so many times that I know every square inch of it. If it
would make you feel any better though, I'll join you and we can search
it again. It'll have to be just the two of us though cause all the
towns folks have been called in many times before, and now just accept
that she will continue to appear, and never be found."
"Yes, I'd feel better if we looked. You say she isn't real, but I
can't believe that. I watched her eat. I watched her shiver in the
cold. I watched her be a perfectly normal 5-year-old girl. I even
coaxed her into letting me brush her teddy bear." I told him.
"You what? Brushed her bear? It was solid? No one has ever touched her
or anything about her that I know of. This is new. Maybe this time
we'll find something. I certainly hope so. That or I hope it is the
same kid we've heard about so many times. I'm like you, if there is a
hope of finding a lost child here, I certainly would want to do so."
For the next 5 hours, we searched every square foot of the canyon for
two or three miles into the woods. Always, I felt that she was just
out of sight, just round the corner, just behind the next rock. I felt
her presence as if there were some kind of mental link. I knew she was
there with me. It was getting late as we returned to the campsite.
"Can I offer you something to eat? I know it's late and I have plenty.
Do forgive me though if I prepare an extra plate."
"Well, maybe just a quick bite, then. Thanks."
I heated three sausages and scrambled some eggs. I chopped the
sausages into the eggs and scooped the mix into three plates. I set
one plate over on the rock with a glass of milk and coaxed the sheriff
over to the table, now 50 feet from the rock. We sat eating our meal
and discussing the previous appearances of the child over the years. I
noticed he kept glancing over at the rock. When he noticed the glass
of milk now stood half empty, he said, "Well, I'll be damned. No
animal would do that. It's as if you know she's there but unseen. This
is as close as I have ever come to seeing her myself. Kinda' gets to
you doesn't it?" I agreed that indeed it does.
After eating, he apologized for seeming callous by leaving. He said he
understood now how people became so sure she was out there, but he
still stood on his convictions that she was unreal, and that his
futile searches had proven it. He admitted his uneasiness at leaving
without finding her, but that he now felt that somehow, she belonged
here. He promised me he would try one more time to get a search party
up in the morning, and at that, drove off into the gathering darkness.
I stoked up the fire, and placed what I had now begun to think of as
her blanket back on the rock. I sat waiting and hoping for her return.
I watched the stars pop out against the darkening sky, one by one and
was lost in the fabric of the night sky when I sensed a presence. I
looked towards the rock and not seeing her, looked back skyward. I
still felt her, and sat up straight. I looked around behind me, and
there she was, not more than 3 feet from me, wrapped in her blanket.
She was going at that thumb, and looked very uncertain.
"Well now, Cutie. Glad to see you back." I made no motion toward her,
as she came around me, keeping the distance of about 3 feet. Then she
sat on the ground with a plop, her thumb never leaving her mouth, her
teddy never leaving her side. I began to talk to her about the stars,
and the wonders of the universe. She looked at the sky, following my
gestures as I told her of the stars and galaxies. She looked so real,
so solid, so like a living child. I could not accept that she was not.
I told her a story of a princess who thought she owned the stars. I
told her of ancient Chinese proverbs. I told her of everything I could
think of, just to keep her at my side, holding her attention, and
speaking softly and comfortably. I spoke to her well into the night,
and finally drifted off to sleep in my chair. I woke early in the
morning, cold except for where she touched me. She was curled in my
lap, sound asleep. Thumb still in her mouth, teddy clutched snugly
under her chin. I wrapped her tightly in her blanket, and carried her
to the tent.
Surely, this solid child, with weight, and warmth, was real and alive.
When I laid her down, she moved only a little and her soft breathing
sounds brought me more peace than I could have guessed. I lay beside
her and fell back asleep.
The next morning, I awoke to find the blanket empty. I got up and made
breakfast, leaving her plate on the rock with a full glass of milk,
and soon, she showed up to eat it.
"Good morning, Bright Eyes. Did you sleep well?" She nodded yes. She
actually nodded! "Good! I did too since I knew you were warm and safe.
In fact, I wish I could know that you were warm and safe and well fed
all the time. I am really going to be worried if I can't know that. I
have to leave here tomorrow, and that is going to be very hard for me
to do. Some people might show up here today, to look for you. They
won't be meaning you any harm, only like me, they want to be sure you
are warm and safe and dry, and have plenty to eat. Will you stay here
with me and let them take care of you? Can you do that for me,
Sweetie?" I asked. But I knew the answer; I could see the swelling
fear in her eyes. "Okay. It's okay. I guess you can hide then if you
don't trust them. You seem to be doing okay here on your own. Still,
it will be terribly hard for me to leave you here. I don't have any
choice though. I have to go back home and go back to my life. I wish I
could take you with me. You can come with me if you want. I'd like
that." I told her more stories. I told her about anything I could
think of, anything to keep her interest, and to keep her near me. But,
as the sheriff pulled back into the campsite, she disappeared again.
"Morning." he said as he approached. "Sorry, I couldn't find any help.
Seems everyone is burned out on searching for what they consider a
lost cause."
"No matter," I told him as I handed him a cup of coffee. "You won't
find her anyway. I know that now. She slept in my tent last night.
Wrapped in a blanket. Actually, I fell asleep in my chair and woke up
in the middle of the night with her in my lap. I wrapped her up and
put her in the tent. She's solid just like you and me, but she's
different too. I don't know if I'm going to be able to leave her here.
I have to, but I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I do know that
you won't find her, and that she will still be here. It's like she
belongs here. I don't even know why I think that, it's just something
I seem to know."
We talked for a bit longer, and I knew the child was just out of
sight. She would never show herself to this other person and would
wait in the shadows until he left. As such, I found myself getting
anxious and realized I was trying to end this intrusion as soon as I
could. Maybe he sensed it, or maybe he just had other things to do,
but soon, Tom rose and thanked me for the coffee. I thanked him for
coming out, and watched him drive off. When he was out of sight, I
turned again to the fire, and there she stood, sucking her thumb,
clutching her bear, looking at me with very sad eyes.
"Are you hungry as asked her?" and she nodded. I made her a sandwich
and poured her a glass of milk. She sat on the ground near me and
silently ate the offering, and drank the milk. I knew that she was as
saddened that I had to leave as I was. I wanted desperately to hug her
to me and keep her with me. I had thoughts of giving up everything to
be here with her, but knew that was absurd. I wished for her to join
me when I left, but knew that was equally out of the question. She
stayed close all afternoon and into the evening as we strolled along
the creek's edge, and I took pictures. I even managed to get her in a
few shots, not to prove she existed, but to comfort myself after
leaving here. I didn't know if she would be visible on the film or
not, but I wanted some part of her with me now and forever. I talked
softly all the while to her, and she stayed close, never speaking.
Just as we returned to the campsite, I felt a tiny hand tentatively
touch mine, and then take two of my fingers into its soft grasp. I
felt a flow of love and trust in that touch I had never known at any
time in my life before. I looked down into those blue eyes, and for a
moment our very souls touched. I knew that I had won the love of this
lost child, and that even if we were physically separated, we would
always share a very special connection.
That evening, after I stoked up the fire, we ate stew and garlic
bread. As the dark squeezed the day away, she came to me and crawled
into my lap. I wrapped her in her blanket and held her close to me,
even as she held her beloved bear. Tears wet my eyes as thoughts of
leaving her here pushed into my mind. I didn't want to let her go
ever. I wanted to cling to her, keep her warm, fed, and safe from any
harm. The thought of leaving her here was more than I could take. I
fell asleep hugging her to me.
I awoke very early, cold. She was gone, leaving the blanket collapsed
in my lap. I looked around a few minutes, knowing I would not find
her. I went into my tent and fell into a torrent of nightmares. I knew
that this would be the way of my nights from now on. I dreamed of her
here alone in the woods . . . scared, and hungry. I awoke the next
morning with tears streaming from my eyes. I arose, made coffee, and
breakfast. I put her plate and blanket on the rock and waited, but she
did not come. Slowly, I packed the gear into the van. At lunch, I
again placed a meal for her, but again she did not show. Toward sun
set. I poured one last glass of milk, and placed cookies out for her.
I put a note out for her though I doubted she could read, but I had to
express my feeling somehow. "I will always love you, Little One." it
said. Sadly, I got into the van, leaving my offering, and her blanket
on the rock. As I backed out, I thought I saw her briefly, wrapped in
the blanket and munching a cookie. When I stopped and looked closer,
she was not there. I backed on out, and turned down the highway, the
way ahead blurred through tears of sorrow.
The drive home was very hard. Many times I wanted to turn back and go
find her, to wrap her in her blanket and put her in the van. But I
knew I wouldn't find her and if I did, she would just disappear when
the time came. Already I missed those eyes. I knew I would think of
her from now on. She had become my own lost child. I felt an ache that
could not be soothed, and I could not help but think of her alone in
the dark woods. For a very long 4 hours I drove and sank deeper into
gloom. When I finally arrived, it was late. But I had things to do,
and I was hungry. I grabbed a quick burger at a drive through and
drove the last two miles to my house. I found I had little real
appetite but forced myself to swallow down the dry burger. Now, I had
to unpack so the van would be ready for my morning drive and ride
share into work.
I was almost finished putting things away when I found it. The shock
of seeing it, and worse, the realization of her standing in the woods
without the only thing she loved, her treasured teddy bear, brought
instant pain and tears to my eyes. I hugged it close to me and sobbed
openly. I dropped to my knees feeling weak with a sense of tragic
loss. My heart left me and sought her in the woods. I wanted so badly
to comfort her, and my inability to do so tore me open no less than a
wild beast might have. Only after several minutes did I recover enough
to carry the last few items into the house. Worn out and exhausted
from the drain I felt, I went straight to bed, hugging the dirty
little bear close to me.
Some time during the night, I rose to a semi state of wakefulness, and
felt a small warm body curled up to my side. A tiny arm wrapped around
my chest and a hand clung to the stuffed bear's one ear, not trying to
take it, just touching it for reassurance. I drifted off again, not
knowing nor caring if it was just a dream, and slept peacefully
through the rest of the night. The next morning, the bear was no place
to be found, and I was relieved to think that it and she had been
reunited. It is that way now, and I relish every moment of it.
Sometimes, I see her playing on the floor. Sometimes I see the bear,
casually laid on a chair or table. Sometimes I hear a weak voice sing
songing a child's rhyme. Sometimes I just see her standing there
sucking her thumb, clutching her bear. You might say she was haunting
me, and perhaps she is. Sometimes, she is real, and solid. It is those
times, when she is here with me as a real live little girl, full of
questions, and full of love, that sustains me. But she is always here
with me now in some way. She will never grow old and move away. She
doesn't go away to school. She always seems to know when I need her
here and appears to me in one way or another. She is no longer a child
lost in the woods. Now, she is my perfect child.