Brain Surgery for Dummies (long!)
Bill Denham
Does your boss expect you to perform impromptu
brain surgery on officemates or clients who are
interacting inappropriately with others? If so,
you are not alone. This situation is very common
nowadays. Are you intimidated by the thought of
sawing the top of someone's head off and messing
around with their grey matter? Many feel the same
way you do.
Brain surgery has traditionally been the province
of medical doctors and is fraught with technical
jargon such as "Arteriovenous malformations,"
"Ependymoma," and "Blue Cross." There are many
handbooks available that give detailed instructions
on brain surgery, but they are full of such jargon
and those wishing to do some simple brain surgery
in the office or at home are often overwhelmed and
feel that learning it is beyond their ability.
Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact,
a three-toed sloth named Ralph was trained to be
an expert brain surgeon in only two months. Brain
surgery is taught widely in high schools, and
children learn it easily and well. We have all
heard of the adolescent practice of "trading
brains" that has led to such hilarious consequences
and several Hollywood movies. This activity is not
recommended, especially between the sexes, but the
ease with which teenagers perform the operation and
then return the brains to their rightful owners gives
us some idea of how simple brain surgery really is.
With that in mind, we present Brain Surgery for
Dummies: a Step-by-Step guide to Basic Brain Surgery.
Of course, there are more complex procedures for which
you may need our course of books, Advanced Brain
Surgery for Dummies.
One of the first things you must understand about
brains is that they are always in the head. The
head is the semi-spherical thing at one end of a
person's body, usually that part that is higher
when the person is standing or walking.
******If you cannot identify the head,
do not attempt brain surgery!********
This cannot be emphasized enough.
Once you have identified the head, you have to get
at the brain, which is inside the head. In most
cases, one of the first barriers is hair. You have
to get the hair off the head. This is easy if the
person is wearing a toupee, but if the person has
real hair it presents more of a problem. We
recommend disposable razors, available for a
reasonable price in most drug stores and
supermarkets. It is better to use disposable razors,
since if you re-use the same razor repeatedly on
different people, there is a danger of transferring
dangerous infections like dandruff from one person
to another. You will also need scissors, since
some people (especially women) have long hair and a
disposable razor may not remove the hair fast enough.
You just remove most of the hair with the scissors
and then shave the rest off with the razor.
OK, the hair's out of the way. Now for the hard
part - taking off the top of the head. This is
where a lot of misunderstanding and baseless fear
exists. We have all seen brain surgery on television
with the sawing and the blood - gross! Who would
want to do that? The truth is, the tops of most
people's heads just screw off with no difficulty!
It is only people who were born under the sign of
Taurus (the astrological sign, not the sign in the
Ford dealership) in a city or town whose name begins
with the letter M who must have the tops of their
heads sawn off! Of course, with such people the
procedure must be done by a trained professional -
a life insurance agent, if a doctor is not available.
If you can ascertain that the person to be operated
on is not a Taurus and/or was not born in a place
whose name begins with M, it's time to rock and roll!
If you have any difficulty screwing the top off the
head, get the person to stick their head under hot
running water - this may loosen some of the gunk
that is making the removal difficult. If that doesn't
work, get somebody that's stronger than you to try.
Rubber gloves may help improve your grasp on the bald
head.
Once the top of the head is off, you can proceed with
whatever procedure you had in mind - of course, some
of these procedures are very difficult and may even
require you to take a correspondence course. The most
common reasons for brain surgery, though, are the Tune
Up and the Oil Change. Performing Tune Ups and/or Oil
Changes on brains will eliminate 90% of the subject's
antisocial behaviour. Another crucial point for amateur
brain surgeons is :
*******Not Everybody Needs a Lobotomy**********
Write this down. It is very important.
The Tune Up is quite simple. There are six spark
plugs on the top of the brain. Replace them with
new ones. Throw the old ones away. Close up the
head, tweak the person's nose to start up the
brain again, and charge the person $249. If they
complain, tell them you did a bunch of stuff that
you really didn't. Don't worry about lying - this
is all part of the Tune Up process and the Tune Up
will not work unless you tell them this. They will
feel much better and buy you a coffee.
The Oil Change is slightly more complex. First you
have to get the dirty old oil out, and then you
have to put nice clean oil in. This can be messy,
so be sure to have lots of paper towels handy.
Unscrew the small cap labeled "Oil." Pump the old
oil out with a brain-oil pump (available at any
reputable hardware store) and discard it. Take a
can of fresh brain-oil (10/40 is the most common,
but check the handbook in the glovebox of the
person's car to be sure you are using the right
variety) and pour it in. This brings us to another
crucial law of brain surgery:
******Use a Funnel When You Pour the Oil In******
If you don't use a funnel, you'll get oil all over
the place. It will be a terrible mess. There's
nothing worse than having oil on the floor during
brain surgery. Well, some things are worse - for
instance, the movie "Striptease" was worse than
that, and noticing that you're naked at a Sunday
School picnic may be more embarrassing. However,
I digress.
Once the Tune Up and/or the Oil Change are done,
put the top of the head back on. Get some medium-
quality glue, coat the head with it, and stick
the hair back on. Try to recreate the person's
hairstyle. If this proves impossible, give them
a new hairstyle that they will like even better.
Start the person up by tweaking the nose, then
say, "It's You!"
To sum up, the main points you have to remember
doing casual brain surgery are:
1. Identify the head
2. Not everyone needs a lobotomy
3. Use a funnel to pour the oil in
It will be difficult to screw up if you follow
these simple rules. See the next installment in
this series - What to Do if the Brain Surgee
Attacks you with a Rubber Duck. Though this is
an unusual occurrence, it is important for all
amateur brain surgeons to be familiar with this
unsettling difficulty.
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For more educational, inspiring articles
like this one, see Lemming Humour at
http://www.engcen.com/lemmings
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