bigfoot prime time!

[Eli the Bearded]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/matthew-whitaker-is-steeped-in-time-travel-and-bigfoot-hes-the-right-man-for-the-job/2018/11/13/2ed59fc8-e785-11e8-b8dc-66cca409c180_story.html

Matthew Whitaker is steeped in time travel and Bigfoot. He's the right
man for the job.

Only such a man could successfully sell the notion that the special
counsel's inquiry is a hoax.

by Dana Milbank Opinions November 13 at 6:44 PM

My colleague Ruth Marcus writes: "The acting attorney general of the
United States is a crackpot."

As though that's a bad thing.

Which it isn't.

The "crackpot" bit is not in dispute. In addition to his exotic legal
views and his lack of relevant experience, Matthew G. Whitaker was
already known to have hawked hot-tub seats for a business that shut
down this year after reaching a $26 million settlement with the
Federal Trade Commission for defrauding customers. But that's just the
beginning of the crackpottery.

During the current U.S. attorney general's time on the company's
advisory board, from 2014 onward, World Patent Marketing:

* Claimed that "DNA evidence
collected in 2013 proves that Bigfoot does exist," had a website
selling Bigfoot paraphernalia and planned a celebrity event called
"You Have Been Squatched!" Opinion | Firing Jeff Sessions proves Trump
learned nothing from the midterms

President Trump is treating the midterm elections like a mandate to do
what he wants. He does not quite have it, says columnist Dana
Milbank. (Gillian Brockell, Kate Woodsome, Breanna Muir/The
Washington Post)

* Asserted that "time
travel" could be "possible, perhaps within the next decade" and tried
to raise money using bitcoin for time-travel research by one of
Whitaker's fellow board members. The company suggested users might
"relive moments from your past" or "visit your future."

* Announced, in the same
media release heralding Whitaker's appointment to the board, a patent
application for an extra-deep "masculine toilet" for the well-endowed.
Specifying the size of "average male genitalia," the release said
"this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than
that."

Some think Whitaker's association with the company (he did legal work
for World Patent Marketing in addition to lending his name and hawking
its wares) makes him patently unfit to serve. To the contrary, it is
patently obvious he is the right man for this moment.

Only a man steeped in time travel and Bigfoot could successfully sell
the notion that special counsel Robert S. Mueller III's inquiry is a
"hoax" that should be shut down. In tapping, as the nation's top law
enforcement officer, a man with experience with hucksterism and
conspiracy theories, President Trump has embraced his inner crackpot.

And the crackpots embraced him.

An August 2015 video by World Patent Marketing, "Eight Lessons
Entrepreneurs Learn From Donald Trump," associated the company with
Trump's methods. "If you know your target market and speak to their
concerns, you'll get the feedback you're looking for," it said, over
images of Trump.

True -- in politics, or time travel!

Trump has a history of promoting the extravagantly unqualified. After
the White House doctor gushed about the overweight president's
excellent health, Trump tapped him to run the Department of Veterans
Affairs. Trump's choice to be chief scientist at the Agriculture
Department was not a scientist. Trump gave other powerful positions to
a Mar-a-Lago member, a Meineke Car Care manager, a bartender, a cabana
attendant, a truck driver and Eric Trump's wedding planner.

Whitaker fits well in this group. On his Senate Judiciary Committee
questionnaire in 2003, when he was tapped to be a U.S. attorney, he
was asked to list the "most significant cases" he litigated. The top
two:

"Personal injury claim resulting from driver of automobile driving
over Mr. Harkness' leg."

"Breach of Contract and Negligence Claim arising out of dry cleaning
performed by Lenox Cleaners that operated out of a Hy-Vee store in
Creston, Iowa."

So his experience with World Patent Marketing really comes in handy.
As The Post's Carol D. Leonnig and Rosalind S. Helderman reported,
Whitaker wrote "a series of letters" on behalf of the company. The
Justice Department said Whitaker has said "he was not aware of any
fraudulent activity."

If so, he certainly had to be aware of zany activity. A photo places
him in the Florida offices where "there were always handsome, 'well
built' guys coming and going," according to an FTC filing, and which
overlooked a "full nudity" strip club called Tootsie's Cabaret. When
the FTC searched the Florida offices, it found 115 prescriptions,
"primarily for testosterone and syringes."

World Patent Marketing websites, in addition to selling Bigfoot, also
offered phone cases featuring photos of nearly nude women. A
promotional video features Whitaker's advisory-board colleague kicking
and punching people in kickboxing matches. Whitaker, in Home Shopping
Network style, promoted a razor blade that "easily folds into itself."

The current attorney general evidently had no qualms about associating
himself with World Patent Marketing chief executive Scott Cooper, who
claimed that its Sasquatch pursuits would "be a billion-dollar brand"
-- particularly once Bigfoot was found. (In this, Cooper might get
support from Rep.-elect Denver Riggleman, a Virginia Republican, who
trafficked in "Bigfoot porn.") Nor, apparently, did Whitaker have
concerns about the company he advised claiming there was "growing
support from scientists" for time travel by 2026.

Too bad the company was shut down before then. Otherwise, Whitaker
could go back to 2017, stop Mueller's appointment before it happened
and, before anybody noticed his absence, be back in the attorney
general's office -- which had been outfitted with an extra-large
toilet from the future.


Elijah
------
alt.bigfoot has been quiet too long