More quickies
Swiggy
people, it will say, "No One wants to be your friend.
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It's not hotter this year.
It's just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to
hit.
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More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of vodka named
Responsibly.
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Dear Children, When you look under your bed,
what exactly are you planning to do when you find me?
Sincerely, The Monster.
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No, actually having a cat is not "just like" having a kid.
Accidentally swearing at your cat won't make it grow up to be a stripper!
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Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of
Mythbusters.
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I started setting up my Google+ account this weekend.
I think it's cute how Google plays dumb and asks me to fill in my personal
information.
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If Bilbo's parents had any sense of humor they would have named him Tea.
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Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant.
Now he'll never have friends.
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I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night.
Especially since I walked there.
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I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and
she said 'the river or the state?'
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
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My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab
my plastic cup of vodka.
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Marriage Tip: When your wife says "Do things to surprise me" she doesn't
mean fill her purse with salsa and chips.
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