The ExtraPURPLErestrial Barney Encounter

[Lord Gyromatic]

"All right, do I have the teleporter wired correctly? ...Check. Test subject ready? ...Check. ...He's awfully large for a test subject. Anyway, looks like we're ready to go. There are people waiting."

While Simulated Intelligence Robotics (S.I.R. for short) was looking over himself, making sure everything was set up, and giving the humans in the demonstration room an implication of his sentience, L.C. Clench's voice could be heard over the loudspeakers, addressing the guests.
"By now, you must be wondering how X-S Tech can help you seize the future. Well, wonder no more; here to show you how is our most advanced cyberbotic performance unit to date."
Instantly, S.I.R. pressed the button to fully kickstart his receptors.

"Ahhhh, welcome, weary travelers, to the great big universe of X-S!" S.I.R. said, stretching his arms out to estimate how big X-S Tech was. "You may call me S.I.R. That is S, I, R," he said, tapping the air with each letter, "which stands for Simulated Intelligence Robotics."
Suddenly, the purple creature in the teleportation tube adjacent to S.I.R. awoke. Unbeknownst to where he was, he looked around, his black beady eyes wide.
"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Robot, but where am I?" The creature's voice was reminiscent of a dirgy Southern drawl. It shot through S.I.R.'s robotic, bike-shaped head like a bullet, awakening a reflex mechanism somewhere within.
"What DO you want, Barney?" S.I.R. asked, very annoyed with the creature.
"I wanna get out," Barney replied, making the cutest puppy eyes at his captor.
S.I.R. couldn't withstand another second of Barney's retarded, goofy voice. He decided, "If he's gonna be like this the entire time, I might as well do what I normally do to my test subjects, but nine times as worse!"
"NO, you may not get out," S.I.R. said, trying to hold back his laughter. Then, with an air of sarcasm in his voice, "You're our... lucky volunteer!"
"Really? Wow!" Barney said, oblivious to what S.I.R. had in store for him. S.I.R. could do nothing but internally chuckle.

"Now, dear friends," S.I.R. continued, "you're probably asking, 'what could the galaxy's leader in sophisticated technology possibly do for me?'" A pause, then "Well, how would you like to travel anywhere, anytime, at the touch of a button? Science fiction?" He surveyed the audience, who were simply captivated in wonder, before giving the answer to his rhetorical question. "No!"
S.I.R. pressed the button to initiate the teleporter. "Behold, the X-S series 1000. The first in a complete line of personal and commercial teleportation systems, capable of sending bright-eyed biological lifeforms like yourselves..." He turned to look at Barney, still with that dorky smile on his face, unaware that he was stepping feet-first into danger, and with all the scorn of an artificial lifeform, said "...and even LOWER lifeforms like Barney..."
Barney chuckled, hearing his name said out loud again.
S.I.R. resumed, "... from one place to another, instantly! In a moment, I will break down our polyester little friend into a mass of molecules, send those molecules through the air above your heads, and reconstruct them in the tube over here, as good as new." He pressed another button, activating the teleportation process. "And now, witness for yourselves the wonders of X-S teleportation!"

Barney disappeared in a cloud of smoke, chuckling like a fool.
"Phase one of the process has begun," S.I.R. informed the guests, "disintegration into molecular components."
Instantly, Barney's mood changed into one of fear, as he felt his structure painfully dissipate into nothing but atoms. He started screaming like a madman, S.I.R. watching in enjoyment.
Addressing the audience, S.I.R. said, "Don't worry, it's practically painless."
Barney's dissected flight reached the chamber to the left of S.I.R., as the android continued his monologue.
"And now, the second phase," he said. "The molecules are beamed to the receiving chamber, where atom by atom, we reconstruct our carefree traveler."
Smoke filled the tube as Barney's molecules were arranged as meticulously as possible. A ding sounded, indicating the transfer was complete.

However, it seemed the technology was flawed, as when Barney emerged from the smoke, he was covered in soot and ash. S.I.R. was particularly amused at this.
Trying to restrain his joy, he said, "And here's the little dinosaur now!"
Barney looked down and saw he was charred. In bemusement, he shook his fist, but there was no wiping off that goofy grin from his face. It was almost like it was painted on his soul.
"Hey, Mr. Robot, you burnt me!" Barney said.
"Oh, shut up, scruffy," S.I.R. snarked, "you're not BURNED, you've just got a healthy glow."
Barney stomped his foot and said, "I don't like this at all! You're not a very nice person! I don't love you!"

Enraged, S.I.R. snapped, "Barney, you--" He managed to calm down before losing his temper in front of the guests, and returned to his dripping with arrogance sleaze. "You just reminded me of a feature that I absolutely love! With a mere touch of a button, the entire process can be reversed!"
Barney realized what was about to happen. "Uh-oh," he said.
"Bon voyage!" S.I.R. told Barney, in an almost condescending tone. Barney disappeared in a cloud of smoke yet again.
While Barney was being teleported across the room again, screaming his head off, S.I.R. got a wonderful idea.
His mouth twisted into a sick grin, he said, "And this is my favorite: it can be suspended!" He pressed a button, which stopped the process, Barney's screams echoing into nothing as his molecules hung in the air. "...Indefinitely," S.I.R. said. He was met with a round of applause from the audience, who were all very happy for a reason unknown to him.

"Huh?" he thought. "What did I do?"
"You don't know how long I've been waiting for someone to do that to him!" a man shouted.
"Yeah, everybody's wanted to see this day for quite some time!" a woman said.
A few kids were crying, but the rest of the crowd was delighted.
"You're our hero!" another man said.
Confused by how the entire population of the room knew about that creature, S.I.R. decided to play up his newfound fame anyway.
"Thank you, thank you," he said, taking a bow.
A teenage girl at the front of the crowd looked up to S.I.R. with a warm smile.
"Can I have your autograph?" she asked, with a gleam in her eye.
"You don't have anything I can sign," S.I.R. remarked cleverly.
The crowd had gotten to the point where they were overflowing the stands and climbing over the bars barring S.I.R. from the humans. Seeing as they were intending to grab him and tow him out of the demonstration room, S.I.R. didn't have any time to think.
"S-should I finish my pitch?" he thought.

Before S.I.R. could admonish the crowd to calm down, the next thing he knew, he was yanked out of his position behind the desk and in the hands of thirty or so admiring fans. They rushed him out of the demonstration room, out of the Tomorrowland Interplanetary Convention Center, into clear daylight, in the scorching Florida sun.
"NO, WAIT! I'M VULNERABLE TO HEAT!" S.I.R. cried out, but nobody heard him. A few passerbys stopped to watch the event unfold.
"OUR SAVIOR, EVERYBODY!" the crowd cheered, raising S.I.R. into the air with their combined efforts.
"Savior?" a passerby asked. "What did he do, exactly?"
"He got rid of the Hell Wyrm himself!" a girl excitedly replied.
"You mean Barney?!" the tourist said.
The girl nodded her head.
"Wow! That's a true accomplishment! What's his name?"
"S.I.R., short for Simulated Intelligence Robotics," the newly-christened savior told the tourist. "I work at X-S Tech. I captured a creature on the planet Lyons, without knowing these biological lifeforms knew him."
"Well, that's just grand! Why not join TRES Corps? It's a major group in what we call the Jihad to Destroy Barney."
S.I.R. had never heard of a jihad before, but he said, "I'll consider it."
"Tell everyone in Florida! Barney's history!" the tourist alerted the crowd.
Pretty soon, from the world came joyful sound: "BARNEY IS DEAD!"

Meanwhile, X-S scientist Dr. Femus had checked every room in the Tomorrowland Interplanetary Convention Center.
Returning to her partner, Spinlok, she asked him, "Excuse me, have you seen S.I.R.?"

THE END