Gurus and Families

[Ilya Shambat]

I have seen many good qualities in people who were gurus. They demanded a lot of themselves, and they also held themselves to a high standard of conduct in dealing with other people. They were their own personal best and they were good to others.

That does not mean that they always were perfect. I had one guru friend who was very militantly anti-family and who cut me off when I challenged that view. In his case, the problem was that he was parented in a very stupid and oppressive manner, and he had to get away from his family's influence in order to come into his own. But that doesn't mean that family has to be bad, nor does it mean that there is contradiction between family and spirituality or family and intelligence, and in my household there are all of the above.

The problem with the family, or “family values,” agenda is that it is a cover for bad parenting. It is used to support such things as domestic violence and incest. Family is blamed for misconduct within family; and that discredits family as such.

The difference here is between a value and the misuses of the value. We see the same thing with beauty. Beauty is being blamed for stupid teenagers abusing their unattractive classmates or for plastic surgeons exploiting women’s insecurities. The problem is not with beauty. Sistine Chapel, Yosemite Park and the works of John Keats and Edna St. Vincent – Millay had nothing to do with such things. The problem is that something that has legitimate appeal is used for wrong.

This can happen with just about anything, from intelligence to money to moral values.

I am a family man myself, and I can tell you right now that it is not necessary to practice violence against children or to be abusive or oppressive to them. I’ve never done any such thing to my daughter. If someone who’s been vilified as much as I have been can do it, then anyone can do it. One does not need to steer away from having families. One needs to hold himself to a correct standard of conduct in dealing with them.

Of course standard of conduct is something that gurus – including this one – know quite a bit about; and I find it a waste for it to not be formative to family life. Such people would make excellent parents. The people who hide behind family values to commit ugly crimes against children should not be allowed to speak for family. Instead it should be done in a rightful way, and in this much stands to be learned from people who are gurus.