Re: A Scroll / George Dance

[George Dance]

On Nov 22, 1:10 am, George Dance <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote:
> A Scroll
>
> By the river I saw geese fly
> Like black angels, far and high.
> Trees were cracks in a scarlet sky;
> A scent of smoke; a dolorous cry:
>
>         "Fallen is Babylon the Great,"
>          Cries the wild goose to his mate.
>         "All for fire to consume.
>         Ashes, ashes for their doom."
>
>         "Still we learned to love their land,"
>         Softer now she answers, "and
>         Safely in the south land, we
>         Will miss their insecurity."
>
> On the bank red sumac lay,
> Fires banked at close of day.
> Will I watch those fires burn?
> Will I see the geese return?
>
> --
> George Dance

Not having received any criticism on this one this time, I'd like to
post a paradigm crit I received on an earlier draft, which I hope may
stimulate some discussion.

<quote>
I'll assume that you didn't intend this to be absolutely hilarious.

Or, perhaps I should give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that
you're writing a parody of the common, garden variety forced rhyme
doggerel nonsense we encounter daily.

Either way:

Try to have your writing make sense.
Learn how to employ a semicolon.
Don't sacrifice sense on the altar of rhyme.
Avoid cliches and abstractions. </q>

ggamble, Mar. 25, 2007.
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