Squealer : first revision
Panda
Squealer
Skidding down
corrugated dunes,
the rumbling shake stutters
my excited squeals.
Doubled tied knots scorch tight
fingers. I pull the sharp nose up
and lean back on the wrinkled sheet.
A wave of sand masks
the ripples, tumbles up my back,
wiping me out.
As the whooshing sand
falls silent,
a muffled hum echoes
in my waiting ears.
Glinting sunlight dances
on a distant windscreen, bounces
across the darkening sky.
Quickly remaking the shed roof, I scamper
back to my homework chair, leaving
a bright trail that drifts
under my swinging feet.
Panda
Gary Gamble
This is a great poem, Panda.
Gary
sophie
in reply to Panda <j...@apelink.net.au>, (on Squealer : first
revision) ...
it's nice, Panda.
(so's the photo, btw. hope you're getting enough bamboo down
under; I heard it's not so common there)
"my excited squeals" is a little off-key.
small quibble only.
I like this.
--
sophie
Panda
Panda
Gary Gamble <lover...@webtv.net> wrote in article
<11165-38...@storefull-265.iap.bryant.webtv.net>...
Panda
sophie <sop...@nospam.co.uk> wrote in article
<FFRT5AAb...@skuff.demon.co.uk>...
<01bf336e$3376b520$LocalHost@puter>
in reply to Panda <j...@apelink.net.au>, (on Squealer : first
revision) ...
it's nice, Panda.
(so's the photo, btw. hope you're getting enough bamboo down
under; I heard it's not so common there)
* Thanks Sophie,
I can always eat chocolate <toothless grin>
"my excited squeals" is a little off-key.
small quibble only.
I like this.
* Ok, thanks, mmm can you suggest something?
Panda
sophie
in reply to Panda <j...@apelink.net.au>, (on Squealer : first
revision) ...
>Thanks Louverman 16
clever panda.
--
sophie
sophie
in reply to Panda <j...@apelink.net.au>, (on Squealer : first
revision) ...
>"my excited squeals" is a little off-key.
>small quibble only.
>I like this.
>
>* Ok, thanks, mmm can you suggest something?
me?????
you must be bananas.
I think my problem with it is that it's
a) a little "telly" not "showy" in comparison to the rest
and
b) the title tells us about the squeals. and it's a good title; because
it has a lot of possible meanings.
and
c) that "my excited squeals" suggests a much much younger
person than th rest of the poem; and is little weak, as a phrase.
I know this is a lot for three words to carry; and it is merely my
personal impression. I get very anoraky about small things,
sometimes.
I may well be totally wrong.
Panda
sophie <sop...@nospam.co.uk> wrote in article
<XH83pHAg...@skuff.demon.co.uk>...
<01bf33ca$3697ed80$LocalHost@puter>
in reply to Panda <j...@apelink.net.au>, (on Squealer : first
revision) ...
>"my excited squeals" is a little off-key.
>small quibble only.
>I like this.
>
>* Ok, thanks, mmm can you suggest something?
me?????
you must be bananas.
*LOL, I eat enough of them.
I think my problem with it is that it's
a) a little "telly" not "showy" in comparison to the rest
and
* Ok I think I see what you mean
b) the title tells us about the squeals. and it's a good title; because
it has a lot of possible meanings.
and
* I tried to make the title mean two things, the sounds of excited squeals
and the sand drifting under my feet squealing on me ( showing what I had been
doing )
c) that "my excited squeals" suggests a much much younger
person than th rest of the poem; and is little weak, as a phrase.
*Ok thanks I will have to think of something else.
I know this is a lot for three words to carry; and it is merely my
personal impression. I get very anoraky about small things,
sometimes.
I may well be totally wrong.
* but you could be right too, Thanks Sophie for your help. :-)
Panda
Bela Selendy
The whooshing sand so close to the wave of sand
bugged me a bit.
Bela
--
Selendy Communications
http://www.selendy.com
Panda
I will see what else works
Panda
Bela Selendy <be...@selendy.com> wrote in article
<383C6A9B...@selendy.com>...