THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet PART TWO

[Coco DeSockmonkey]

THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART TWO


"Zod, we've been failures in 2021.
For Clay, it's foretold, like father, like son.
I'm eating a lot and I weigh a gross ton,
And trolling on Usenet is no longer fun.

"Zod, my hemorrhoids are paining me greatly.
They're so big that even you wouldn't date me.
It feels like Zorro carved my ass with a Z.
Could you steal some Prep H from the Safe House pharmacy?

"If you can't steal any Prep for my rump
I'll have to squeal each time I take a dump,
You'll cop a feel 'cause my rump is so plump
If you can't conceal your zeal feel free to hump.

"When I was young, I'd pimp Sarah and Clay
Score me some hooch for the rest of the day,
I sold Kathy's cooch till that pooch ran away
So if you want my rump you're going to pay.

"One drum Derundo sold Sandy for kicks
Bought him a pair of gold-plated drumsticks,
Now every hour that ho's turnin' tricks
Chick makes a living from yankin' them dicks.

"Loho dumped Stink, so he bangs Dirty Mike
Never knew two pissbums so much alike,
Now when Loretta rides by on her bike
Stink shouts 'Ha ha ha!' and calls her a dyke.

"Zod,
I'm the master of the non-statement
So I always get in my two cents
Sort of like your old tent
and my words are lacking content.

"You can call him a fucking Douchebag
All his fat has started to sag
Don't you call his kid a fag
Benders made him a running gag.

"Zod,
High school was way too much effort for me,
and it took away time from my deep poetry.
Barfly said rhymes were just crutchery,
and he taught me to prey on the young and unwary.

"Zod! My main man! My stooge!
Let's get together! I'm no Scrooge!
You and I can have a slice of pizza pie
While you tell me that I rock!
Later, you can do the same for my cock.

"Zod, as you know, I still wet our bed.
I'm thinking of piling more hay in the shed
to soak up the runoff from the blue tarp bedspread,
but the piss does lend volume to my 'fro bedhead.

"Zod, you should dig a new hole in my yard;
It looks like a war zone, all pock marked and scarred.
No grass, like the head of Jean-Luc Picard,
and my book should be placed there for wiping die-hards.

"Zod,
Your erectile engineer career
has grown word-of-mouth among your peers.
Your client list includes some steers;
You're better than Sandy, and she has done deer.

"Hey Zod, my boy!
You bring me joy!
Your words of praise
Keep me going these days
Now tell me how great I am;
Let's not be coy.

"Zod, we Dockeries all go insane.
Brother Dave went -- my financial gain.
And we're born with such an addled brain
that I went to school with Ma's Great Dane.

Donkey skips rope to:

"George J. Sulzbach
sitting on a river rock
sucking on my old socks,
dreaming of his cell block.

A Donkey in mourning for $$:

"Zod, I have lost two meal tickets now:
first Ma, now Bro, my steady cash cows.
I'll certainly miss their checks and vow,
I'll pick up another mark -- slam, bam, pow!

"I dressed Brother Dave in my secondhand clothes
He didn't shave or shower, but that's how it goes,
He had fleas and lice from his head to his toes…
But f**k, this is Georgia, we all done got those.

"Without Brother Dave, I'll be losing my shed
His SSI check kept our bellies well fed,
The one thing I know is he's better off dead
Dave just wasn't the same once Zod bashed in his head.

A Donkey is jealous of attention being paid to someone else:

"Zod, I'll write a living memorial
for myself because I'm Walmart authorial
or even a newspaper bio-editorial,
with my handsome face in a color pictorial.

Donkey is enjoying the attention he's getting since Brother Dave bought the shed.:

"Zod, I'm retaining PJR as my lawyer.
He'll bitch slap and bullshit those baddy old forgers
who crapped on Dave's wall and then made me confer
with cops who accused *me* of neglecting my brother.

"That's right, I neglected my brother, they say,
So he sat in the truck while I ate the buffet,
It isn't my fault that he wanted to pay
I fed that boy Camels forty-eight times a day!

Donkey welcomes casseroles:

"Zod, do you think that I'll soon have a stroke
or more likely arrested for stiffing townfolk
by not paying bills while steadfastly choking
down food from memorials that never were spoke?

"I'll always eat waffles or chocolate cake
I'm down for pot-brownies, all that you can bake
Some Parnello's pizza? You give and I'll take
Or send fifty dollars to buy me some steak.

A Donkey justifies the FUBAR of his brother's memorial:

"Zod, I miss my brother's check.
He never played with a full deck,
but his cash let me churn out my dreck,
and his obit needn't be high-tech.

"You f*ck*d him up that night we stole
Those fitty bucks I done cajoled
From Jim, and when we took a stroll
You took a pipe and bashed his skull.

"I gotta say, that wasn't cool
We ate our steak, you gummed your gruel
But whackin' Dave was really cruel
Since then, he'd only sit and drool.

"So now you've no one left to bash
Our income's gone, a bag of ash
Is all that's left, ain't no more cash,
Dave's going out with last night's trash.

A Donkey experiences Author Envy:

"Zod, I'm jealous they've published two books.
I could have done that, but Dance knows his crooks
and wouldn't be paid just through my fine good looks
on the cover and I'm stuck with one book for schnooks.

"The others won't publish me, why I don't know,
I write out-damn-stand-ing-ly, Zod tells me so --
They lie to my face when they tell me I blow
So I put on my clown shoes and holler "Zorroooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

A Donkey considers a career on the stage:

"Zod,
We scattered my brother on cold Dowdell's Knob.
Without Dave's check, I'll now need a job.
Do you know any places that'll hire a slob?
I think I'd be perfect in Les Misérables.

"I'm too fat for Cats, and have never paid Rent
Chicago's all girls and they balked at my scent,
To do Book of Mormon, I'd have to repent,
But La Cage aux Folles would just be heavensent.

Donkey envisions life without his brother:

"Zod,
I think I'm insane in the membrane
and my massive weight is causing sweat stains
on my old khaki pants where I ate the food chain
and Brother Dave left with my nice gravy train.

"We tossed Brother Dave off a convenient cliff
It's the least costly way to dispose of a stiff
While the open air setting is practical, if
I crap in my jeans, mourners won't get a whiff.

"I'm grateful for the attention you give!
It's part of what helps me to live!
I get so giddy when I see you comment!
It makes me want to come visit your tent!
How about this--I'll post some more crap,
You can respond and sit on my lap.
We'll troll and troll all through the day,
Until sleep takes our consciousness away.
You and me, George ol' boy, we're together always!
It's your posts that help my ego to graze.

A Donkey makes hay while the sun shines:

"Zod, that Mallard is selling the photos
of Brother Dave's picnic and I want the dough
from the orders of reprints of the tag on his toe
before we goodbyed to the strains of banjos.

"Why should that slob use my image for free?
We know that it's me folks are wantin' to see.
I'm talented, popular, cute as can be…
Someone pass Dave's urn, cause I'm taking a pee.

A Donkey gets a second opinion on the state of his health:

"Zod,
The vet says I'm healthy, doesn't care what I weigh.
Do you think he just wants me to go on my way
since I did smell strongly of Dave's old ashtray?
He said he will watch my bad cough and loud bray.

"He says I'm not fat, just 'more bigly' obese,
He don't say 'stop drinking,' he only says 'cease,'
He don't say 'stop eating,' he tells me 'decrease,'
I'm strong as a mule, don't need no health police.

A Donkey scratches an itch:

"Zod,
How do I get a GoFundMe for life?
My meal tickets croaked like my runaway wife.
Where can I sell those three restaurant steak knives?
Thinking 'bout jobs makes my chest hair get hives.

"I mean who wouldn't fund a great artist like me?
I sing and I paint and write poety;
My cash cow dried up, and shed livin' ain't free…
I'll be tenting with you by the Chattahoochee.

A Donkey ponders survival of the fittest:

"Zod, I could brew the coffee at Dunkin--
they don't care how many grades I was flunkin.
That I now have to work hasn't really yet sunk in,
but bagels and muffins give me highs like I'm drunken.

"And don't forget waffles, they're my raison d'être,
Just pile up my plate, I'll eat all I can get.
I can't see my feet, but I'm willing to bet
The EPA rate them a top level threat.

A Donkey reconsiders his wardrobe:

"Zod, can you piece Brother Dave back together?
Maybe glue him to the back of my jacket of leather?
To be truthful, it's really a Goodwill free pleather,
but that way I'd have him to drag on forever.

"I knew that we shouldn't have burned him, by heck
Those ashes were my disability check,
I'd work… but a job's such a pain in the neck…
Can one collect welfare for looking like Shrek?

A Donkey charts his future relationships:

"Zod, I'll need to marry for money,
But don't have a care—we'll always be honeys.
I guess I could steal that beard from my sonny.
I'm a real man and he's always walked sort of funny.

"Let's face it, I'm so much more handsome than Clay,
I'm taller, more talented, and I daresay
The best lay she's had without having to pay
I buck like a donkey -- she'll moan and I'll bray.

A Donkey updates his health status:

"Zod,
you know I am the picture of healthy
I run three marathons and don't spill my coffee
I dance and I jump and I trick water ski
yet the doctor says I need a frontal lobotomy.

"I've dropped twenty pounds and lost one of my chins
My beer belly only hangs down to my shins
When I dance at LeGents, the clientele grins
I prance in my tutu, do leaps, kicks, and spins.

"But my old brain ain't workin' as good as it might
The doc says my thinkin' part's not screwed in tight
He'll just bore a screw-hole and fix it just right…
A new disability check is in sight!

A Donkey contemplates his wardrobe:

"Zod, I don't think I can button my shirt
I only have one and it's stiff with the dirt
of climbing the mountain then eating dessert
but my chest hair was lusting to give a concert
and my moobs are fitted for weather alerts.

"I got one pair of trousers and one pair of shoes
They're old as Methuselah, worn out from use,
They smell like old waffles, cigar smoke and booze
And crusty with cum stains from much self abuse.

"I can't get in restaurants that serve cordon blue
Or dress to impress for a job interview,
Let's face it, my fashion plate days are all through,
I look like a pissbum and smell like one, too.

A Donkey experiences sibling rivalries and paranormal activities:

"Zod, Brother Dave is mixed in a pickle jar
With the unscrewed Pickles, so now they are
As close as brothers, pissbum caviar,
Doomed to sit on a shelf, two burned up Shtars.

"Zod, Dave is haunting me from beyond
through the pickle jar sitting in the john.
Maybe I should dump him on the lawn?
He says I've done my last big con;
I miss his money but I'm glad he's gone.

"I'm out in the outhouse with nothing to eat
I can't see the hole in the floor (or my feet)
If I had toilet paper, I'd chew on a sheet…
Does that jar say 'Pickles?' – Oh boy, what a treat!

A Donkey has prurient thoughts:

"Zod, my dreams every night are of PJR.
I’d drive 'cross the ocean if I still had Dave's car,
And the title wasn't burned in an old pickle jar.
In my dreams, Peter sits on a tossed salad bar,
And I take him and store him in my handmade Ball jar.

"I dreamt I played Sulu to his Captain Kirk,
He told me to dance, so I started to twerk
But I couldn't keep it up, it was really hard work;
I fell limp on the floor and he started to smirk
Then he barked 'Open wide!' as he started to jerk."

A Donkey considers his priorities:

"Zod,
I can't think of my standardized phrases
Interesting, agreed are all I can write days
They are lucky to get even that nuanced praise
Now I'll go in the backyard and continue to graze.

"Then I'll say 'Hi' to Jordy, and Rachel, and you
And maybe to Ilya and PJR, too.
But PJ don't like me, so what can I do?
I'll dig me a big hole and fill it with poo."

A Donkey contemplates a bath:

"Zod,
Brother Dave is living on in my hair
and my beard and my ears and my tarp underwear.
Clay should have just dumped him in the middle of nowhere
and not let him settle in my derrière.

"I've got Dave on my clothes from my head to my toes,
I don't need crack cocaine, I've got Dave up my nose;
I'm willing to shower, but can't find a hose
So I'll stand in the wind and see which way Dave blows.

A Donkey makes lemonade out of lemons:

"Zod,
Sarah's bait shop got burgled last night by crooks.
They snatched milk and the money and even the hooks.
Her tits can't get by with just come-hither looks.
The bright side—they stole everything but my books.

"They stole worms and tadpoles and buckets of chum
They took bait and tackle and every last crumb
Of Cheez-Its, and Twinkies and stale chewing gum
But they didn't get my books -- I'm so psyched I could cum!

"We're just chimpanzees with our gizmos and gadgets,
We're trolling for feel good slurps, two keyboard dimwits,
We lie, whine, insult, we're two 8-year old dumbshits;
They call me a donkey, but hey, if the shoe fits…

A Donkey uses economics to deal with end-of-life issues:

"Zod, do you think you could lend me a dime?
Ma and Dave’s checks haven't shown up on time
for me to cash and I had to buy lime
so I have no coffee but they are now slime.

"Then again, some folks say all us Dockerys are
Human scum 'cause our gene pool don't reach very far;
But them folks they don't know I'm a budding rock star
And since Dave up an' croaked, I done got me the car!

A Donkey demonstrates Truthiness:

"Zod,
My disability hearing was scheduled today.
I said that I can't work at all, since I'm gay,
and I only eat oats and some sweet winter hay.
I answered all questions with hee haw and neigh.

"I can't get a job, 'cause I'm dumber than dirt,
And my moobs are so huge I can't button my shirt;
I won't look for work, 'cause I'd have to exert
Myself, and we both know exertion must hurt.

A Donkey eats a balanced diet:

"Zod, I've lost the same twenty pounds
over and over and round and round.
I think it's from eating leftover coffee grounds
and mixing those up with rats and hash browns.

"It cain't be the waffles… Lord, say it ain't so!
Jim ain't bought me steaks since, like, five years ago.
And donuts are out 'cause I gots me no dough.
Yet my gut's gots so big that I cain't see below
The fifth roll of blubber to look at my toe,
And last time I went to a five-dollar ho
I squashed po' Loretta, now you claims I owe
You twenty-five dollars -- Zod, shut up and blow!

A Donkey is thrifty and fashion-forward:

"Zod,
My book is now at Dollar Tree
for $1.25 and I'll sign it for free.
Walmart said it was just more debris
that's a waste of a tree and the critics agree.

"I hope my book will be a hit
The Dollar Tree is really It
Old Barnes and Noble ain't worth shit
An' Sarah can keep her donkey-tit
Hid safe beneath her flannel shirt
When all the yahoos come to flirt;
Then they'll have no excuse to spurt
On my book's cover like some dirt-
Y-minded pervert coming in my face.
I lick the covers clean, yet there's a trace
That all my licking never can erase
And cum-stuck pages are a real disgrace.

"Zod,
Do you think this dress is what makes me look fat?
Nelly jeered at my shape with a big tit for tat,
before our romantic, shed-bound chitty-chat.
She's obsessed and jealous that I'm gorgeous to look at.

"The Conleys liked it over at LeGents,
They say it fits me better than the tents
And makes my moobs look really quite immense
(Which made my nipple kinda stiff and tense),
And One-Drum said he'd gimme fitty cents
If he could squeeze 'em, meaning no offense,
And fitty cents' a lotta recompense
Now that the government will not dispense
A monthy stipend to chez Dockery, hence
Showin' my cleavage is good commonsense.

A Donkey weighs his obligations to friends:

"Zod,
Dan Barfly has long been rotting in jail.
I'd help him out but I can't make his bail.
He tried to transport yet another female
across state borders but he had a fed tail
of FBI agents who were hot on his trail
after similar stunts and enticement emails.
Tina swears he dumped her at a ho rummage sale
and could only find work as a cocktail Clydesdale.
Dan just turned 90, fears his life is derailed.

"Dan Barfly's a writer who done mentoord me
He taught me to read and to write poetry
When I was a junior in high school and he
Was my English teacher and cool as could be…
He'd buy me a beer if I sucked on his wee.

"We'd take seventh graders for rides in his car
We didn't cross no state lines, but still went too far,
We'd slip them some roofies outside of the bar
Then finger their holes like they was a guitar.

A Donkey plans ahead for April 1:

"Zod,
You and Sandy are listed on Walmart.
When shoppers click, you jump in their carts.
It's a great site for your monkey-faced art.
Just send me the proceeds before you depart.

"It's going to be rough for me here without you
Emoji-boy Jordy's a good sock, it's true,
But one cain't walk or run with one sock and one shoe
And Jordy's a washout at slurping my spew.

A Donkey consults the calendar:

"Zod, you are croaking on April the First.
I told Dirty Mike that we don't need a hearse.
We'll weigh you down and you'll fully immerse.
I'm writing a song which is verse-y but terse
that I've burned my last friend in the universe.

"The Conleys don't want me to sing with their band
And Sandy refuses to lend me a hand,
Clay calls me a homophobe, Sarah can't stand
Me, the shed's on the market, the Feds want my land
The Cool Kids all hate me… I don't understand.

"There once was a Donkey who brayed like an ass
And gazed like a fool into his looking glass
He grazed upon waffles and brownies with grass
Boasted of his wit, but proved vulgar and crass
The drunkards of Loserville thought him low class
But his noggin was swollen up with unpassed gas.

"I'll roll in the dirt like a pig in its pen
And squeal like a piggy, again and again,
I'll fuck like a rabbit and cluck like a hen;
Loretta gets three bucks, I must be worth ten.

A Donkey examines a life well lived:

"Zod,
I think we're beginning to circle the drain.
I've lived a great life and you've done the same.
If people got hurt, how are we to be blamed?
It's all in the story of how I became
and the source of all my writing acclaim.
I will love even more my posthumous fame.

"I write my life story, not nonsense or mush
I tell of the girls that I grabbed by the bush,
I write odes to drunkenness, acid and kush
Of red and green taco sauce, Lady K's tush
In random thought fragments of ill-conceived slush
And soon Death will come for us, ready to flush.

A Donkey is somber about his future:

"Zod,
I think that we both will croak very soon--
for you, April 1 -- I won't make it till June.
Are there any headstones that depict a buffoon?
I'm made mostly of fat so will burn to a teaspoon.
Who will tell Jordy three times 'Good afternoon?'
Who will wear my dirty clown XXXXL pantaloons?

"You're toothless and scabby and losing your hair,
And I've grown too tubby to sit in a chair;
Most folks say our stench is just too much to bear --
If we haven't mattered then life is unfair,
When we're dead and scattered, will anyone care?

A Donkey looks back on his love life:

"Zod,
Have you ever tried having sex with a horse?
Of course, of course
I did it after I got a divorce
and Catherine did it according to a source
The horse didn't like me so I couldn't force
it but soon we did and it's something I endorse.

"I've banged every critter that walks, crawls or swims
From catfish to gerbils, Bubbas and Jims,
Just so they gots buttholes, salamis, or quims…
A polecat? You betcha! Just one of my whims.

A Donkey shows his tender feelings:

"Zod, I surely miss my Brother Dave
He's not in a grave
He's not in a cave
I'm tryin' to be brave
I'm tryin' to behave
It's just his check I crave.

"My gas an' 'lectricity's long overdo
I can't pay the taxes, while charges accrue,
No waffles at midnight, a hole in my shoe,
Can't charge up my gizmo, an' can't flush my poo
My pockets are empty, my cupboard's bare, too…
I'm packin' my tarp, join the Dharma Bum crew
Camp down by the river, folks'd kill for that view.

A Donkey wonders about sanctions against him:

"Zod,
Karen thinks that we post a lot,
But she still likes us so ignore the thought.
She's being polite just the way she was taught --
we weren't taught so ignore the boycott
and bump my threads like a good stinkpot.

"A Karen's a Karen and Karens are good
At pitying those who are misunderstood;
The middleclass burden -- she'll do what she should
To help all the pissbums in our neighborhood.

"She'll praise all our spam posts and call us her friends,
Pass out paints and brushes and papers and pens,
Her Kareny charity even extends
To breathing our stench in on weeks we don't cleanse.

A Donkey mistreats his idol:

"Zod,
Jack Kerouac hemorrhaged in my shack.
He was a hundred years old and a sack of a hack.
I fed him my waffles and he'll never come back.
I think that's the reason I'm an insomniac --
he wanted my Perky so I had to whack Jack.

"I had to whack Jack 'cause he wanted my plaque
An' they don't just give Perkys to any old hack,
So when he stuffed my Perky into his rucksack
It got my back up and I had to attack;
I whacked him and smacked him and gave him a crack
On his head with a tire iron, he fell on his back
As dead as a doornail, a flattened thumbtack.

A Donkey and his Slurp-puppet play Masters and Johnson:

"Zod,
I know that you've had frequent sex with a sheep
and a goat and a cow and a ho really cheap
whose throat you described as Grand Canyon deep.
Which is the best as an aid to good sleep?
I toss and I turn and I peep and I weep
and coffee has made me an unbedded creep.

"I'm up all night typing at AAPC
Where those forgers and trolls are all picking on me,
But I'm gonna show them all -- just wait an' see --
I'm fixing the record for posterity!
"A Donkey tackles the literary problem in the Deep South:

"Zod,
I can't read no books, just look at the pictures.
If they ain't got no pictures, I just say up yers,
Mr. Book, and go to her house to steal some of hers,
hers being Lady K but she never stirs.
I see in the books my face with some slurs.
Do you think she could know that all cheese matures?

"I read me some books that are really quite good:
'Fun With Dick and Jane' and 'The Engine that Could,'
'The Berenstain Bears,' 'Spot Goes Splash!,' and I should
Mention 'Cat in the Hat,' 'Little Red Riding Hood,'
'Go Dog, Go,' 'Hop on Pop,' I'd read more if they would
Have opened a schoolhouse in my neighborhood.

"I went to the Liberry and saw Ilya there
With his hands in his pants and a wild-eyed stare
For a cute little girl who was brushing her hair
Till he started in moaning and gave her a scare.

A Donkey experiences a menu substitution:

"Zod,
I don't think anyone is reading our posts.
That's a strange happening since we're posting the most
of anyone ever (not that I'd boast),
and not being read makes my waffles French toast.
I suppose I will blame things on Brother Dave's ghost.

"You can give me a nod, and I'll thank you again
Although some think it odd to see two aging men
Slurping each other as though they'd a yen
To duck under cover, all cozy, and then
Start rutting and squealing like pigs in a pen…
And thanks for the nod on my rod once again.

"However, repetitive slurping can be
As tiresome as slogging through my poetry;
If people ignore us, my dear devotee,
We'll hijack their threads with our buddy, Jordy --
We'll say 'Hi,' 'Good Afternoon,' and 'I thank thee'
'Cause AAPC must be all about MEEEEEEEEE!!!!

A Donkey salutes his cultural roots:

"Zod,
We sure got soused on St. Patty's Day,
you with your bum wine and me with my hay.
We drank and we smoked and let loose the gay.
We snuck in at LeGents and weren't there to pay
to eat everything on their HapHour buffet,
and I'm recognized there as a fast food gourmet,
and thanks again for the john stall horseplay.

"For Dockery's a fine Irish name, don't you know?
So I'll drink black and tans and some Irish joe,
Then I'll prance round the barroom and give 'em show
Of my long donkey dong as it swings to and fro.

"I've got a green tent for shirt, and my hat
Is Dave's knit green beanie (I 'herited that)
I ain't got no green pants 'cause my butt is too fat,
So my shillelagh swings like a major league bat.

A Donkey counts his chickens and hatches a scheme:

"Zod,
Did you hear Jordy's Uncle's a millionaire?
He could give me some money for house repair.
He seems really dumb and unaware,
like his head is filled with nothing but air,
and he doesn't work, so I like that right there,
and I wouldn't have to beg for county welfare.
I'm game if he is for a long-term affair.

"A millionaire! Whodda thunk? Good ol' Jordy.
That's a shitload of waffles, and all of 'em free!
If Isaac's got money, then Isaac's for me.
But why does a millionaire troll AAPC?

Donkey ponders the paradoxical:

"Zod,
How ironic your birthday is March Thirty-First,
and you're leaving this earth on April the First,
according to Pen's always fast and sure curse.
Watch out for that train that cannot reverse
or a swim in the river when you swiftly immerse
or run out of booze, which could be even worse.

"Since your days are numbered, there's something I've meant
To tell you: You owe me for three year's back rent.
You've lived like a king in your riverside tent
Cigars, wine and hos that don't cost you a cent;
I'll take any bum change that you haven't spent --
That tarp you squat under was Dockery sent.

A Donkey knows the value of healthy eating:

"Zod,
I think I'll soon be eating my chairs
and the couch and the rug and even the stairs.
Dave's check has been stopped and nobody cares
that I'm starving to death without three free squares
and I'm thinking of selling some of my hairs
and I'll eat your new boots if Dirty Mike shares.

"I'm one hungry Donkey, and donkeys must eat.
I'm busking for bread like some bum on the street
(No offense, but the Dharma life's not one that's sweet).
I must have my waffles! I must have my meat!
My donuts! My pizza! And my donkey treats!
This hay isn't cuttin' it, barley repeats…
I'm going to ask dear Sarah Donkeyteets
How much folks will pay for a roll in the sheets.

A Donkey predicts the future:

"Zod,
This will be the last ever Spring
that you walk on the Earth and hear the birds sing,
that you drink your bum wine and eat my g-string,
that you'll hear my love call with the sound of a ping --
all come to an end with a Dirty Mike swing.

"Though I hate to admit it, we both know it's true,
When Pen cursed our friend Pickles, his demons came through --
And there's not a damn thing that we two can do.
Should March 31st bring the Reaper to you
-- That thirsty Dust Devil with face Navy blue --
I'll sit in my shed and shed tears, boo-hoo-hoo…
Until I can find a new pissbum to screw.

A Donkey always has a succession plan in place:

"Zod,
Jordy is waiting in the wings.
When you buy the farm and the fat lady sings,
he'll go to your camp and take your things,
cutting his mom's apron strings,
and we're thinking of exchanging rings.
What an upgrade for me, next April 1 brings.

"Jordy's got millions of dollars, I'm told
By Jordy, but his word's worth its weight in gold,
So I'm taking Jordy to have and to hold
And your sorry ass is left out in the cold."

A Donkey undertakes a new chapter in his life:

"Zod,
How would you like to be dumped in the river,
where catfish and carp can feast on your liver?
They would surely die too after eating a sliver;
I could use a good meal, I'm starting to shiver.
I miss Dave's checks as his money caregiver.
I'll miss you some too until Jordy delivers.

"I just can't afford to cremate you like Dave
Heck, my shed wouldn't cover the cost of a grave,
Of course Sarah could let her ol' donkeytits wave
But the proceeds would go to my Donkey-man cave --
I owe some back taxes and must pimp and save.

A Donkey believes in superstitions:

"Zod,
There, in the air, is the wail of the banshee,
waiting to get you to set you, a bum, free.
It knows who to choose, all the human debris,
so have a big swig of that dollar Chablis --
your croaking can make no difference to me
now that I've hooked me that wealthy Jordy.

"Look! There's the Reaper with hourglass and sickle
He's come to get you, I'll bet you, his prick will
Shred you like Wheaties -- you know that'll tickle
The forgers and trolls who will laugh at the pickle
You're caught in; your life isn't worth a plug nickel.

A Donkey pre-mourns and discovers art films:

"Zod,
By April 2, you will be gone --
at least you've not squeezed out three demon spawn
like I did plus maybe a kid she named Juan.
You may end up fertilizing the main library lawn,
and you've always been someone I could count on
to bump my poor poems and otherwise fawn
over me and my virile and corpulent brawn.
When you've croaked, who will get your chewed on crayons?
I confess that your passing will bring just a yawn,
since I now have Jordy and our dangerous liaison.

"Jordy's Uncle's a man's man (you know what I mean)
And he has a house and can keep himself clean
At least once a week -- he's got… you know… hygiene
And knows that a Greyhound bus ain't no latrine.
Too bad he's a pasty-faced, Communist queen.

A Donkey takes comfort in his religious beliefs:

"Zod,
As a Dharma Bum, you're not doing too well --
you have five days left before going to Hell,
but you might come back as a phantom smell
on rich Jordy's Uncle's new Ring doorbell
or an image deleted from ktell's work cell
or cracked and broken on Edward's egg shells
or a stain on a sheet at a Columbus motel,
or a mangy wooden horse on the park's carousel.
Whatever you'll be, what you got I can sell?

"A Bharma Dum sat in a tarp he called 'tent'
And thought that his chosen existence was meant
As a means of fulfilling the Maker's intent
That a man should live free and not have to pay rent
Or slave for his dinner, or save every cent
For home, wife and children and bovine content
In social conventions that losers invent
To convince them their labors must be heaven-sent,
Even though their convictions have got up and went
Like the time that they've wasted, the money they've spent
Pursuing false idols -- too late to repent --
Lamenting the lives they could not circumvent
In self-gratification and self-indulgent
Delusions of grandeur, self-aggrandizement
Where self-satisfaction is self-fulfillment
And teeth are expendable, one must consent
To bedbugs and boils, the mild discontent
One pays for perfection -- the spirit's assent
Entails reciprocally that a descent
In physical fortitude comes with the scent
Of stale beer and feces which only accent
The Bharma Dum's life as a gay malcontent
And all that his lifestyle has come to present
To 'productive' minions too scared to augment
Their days with the blessings of life in a 'tent.'

"But I prefer the comforts of life in a shed
Where a tarp's not a tent, but the roof o'er my head,
With government stipends to keep me well fed --
So fare thee well, Zod, I'll be here when you're dead
With Missy and Loho to frequent my bed
(For two swigs of bum wine, them bitches will spread
Their puss-oozing cooters), the life that I've led
Is better than yourn and the old riverbed
Will carry your bones as I run on ahead
With love notes from Jordy who'll stand in your stead
And slurp up my poems from alpha to zed.
The Bharma Dum's life is no life if you're dead.

A Donkey considers transmigration but can't spell it:

"Zod,
Next week you're reborn in this world as a worm
as fat and as juicy as my talented sperm,
and I'll stick you on my hook and watch while you squirm,
but your life as a worm will be really short-term,
and you'll then come back as a staphylococcus germ
up my nose in toilet paper as I mimic a pachyderm --
can you ping me when you're up there just to confirm?

"From bugger to booger in one big fell swoop,
Then I'll eat my booger and turn you to poop
(You're already shit in this poetry group) --
At least when you're feces your eyelids won't droop.

[NancyGene Andjayme]

[Michael Pendragon]