Re: THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet PART FOUR

[Michael Pendragon]

On Thursday, February 22, 2024 at 12:00:44 AM UTC-5, NancyGene Andjayme wrote:
> On Wednesday, February 21, 2024 at 8:40:58 PM UTC-8, Michael Pendragon wrote:
> > THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
> > PART FOUR
> >
> >
> > A Donkey rates liplocks:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > There once was a hobo named Sulzbach
> > whose kisses were sweeter than swine.
> > I kissed many pigs
> > but had no paying gigs
> > and now we embrace in the breadline.
> >
> > "There once was a retard named 'Jordy'
> > Whose kisses I couldn't afford, he
> > Was a kept man, you see,
> > By his rich family
> > But I still think the bugger adored me.
> >
> > A Donkey lives his best life:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I am beat,
> > smell my feet,
> > give me something good to eat,
> > listen as I whine and bleat,
> > let's go out and work the street,
> > you love it when I lie and cheat
> > the government and welfare teat,
> > the backyard where I still excrete
> > my no-stink poop, no toilet seat
> > left up or down or have to greet
> > a boss, a work, a dumb timesheet.
> >
> > "Hear me bleat
> > I'm a Beat,
> > General Zod lives in a teet,
> > George won't eat beneath a sheet,
> > Isaac's smuggling Jordy's meat,
> > Handy Sandy's still a treat,
> > But my life feels incomplete…
> > Self-conceit cannot compete
> > With self-awareness; self-deceit
> > Is all I have, so self-defeat
> > Will meet me at my judgement seat.
> >
> > "A Donkey's life is not a treat
> > I have no friends whom I can greet,
> > Folks avoid me on the street
> > -- Eau de Pissbum don't smell sweet --
> > No retard Brother to mistreat,
> > Farewell, Welfare! (How will I eat?)
> > There's no one here I'd dare entreat
> > For one more dime, still I'm upbeat
> > A Donkey's never obsolete.
> >
> > A Donkey skips out:
> >
> > "Zoderella, dressed in yella
> > went downstairs to meet his fella.
> > How many times did he have rubella?
> >
> > "Zoderella, a capella,
> > thinks that Donkeys kiss real swella,
> > tastes like cigs and mozzarella.
> >
> > "Zoderella, really smella,
> > night and day he wants to tella
> > 'nother guy hello and spella
> >
> > "mf, pinhead, nailed it, sell a
> > monkey-faced drawing from his cell -- a
> > county jail without a tele-
> > phone to post and spam and, well a
> > fine place to hear his own death knella,
> > and he learns for whom tolls the bella.
> >
> > "Little Zoddy, dresses shoddy
> > Lice and fleas adorn his body,
> > Drinks bum piss and calls it toddy,
> > Won't take down his pants to potty.
> >
> > "Little Zoddy, gives a noddy
> > Slurps my poems like a twat, he
> > Sometimes gets a little naughty,
> > Strokes me till I shoot my waddie.
> >
> > "Little Zoddy, short and squatty
> > People call him 'General Clod,' he
> > Whines when they say 'Shut up, Todd,' see
> > He can't stand that he's nobody."
> >
> > A Donkey -- all along the water tower:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I see London,
> > I see Dance,
> > I see GZ's underpants.
> > Crawling out are fire ants
> > saying 'Die' in tiny chants,
> > as we demand more gov'ment grants,
> > and grow our own big potted plants,
> > and just ignore the 'shut up' rants,
> > since you are painting new Rembrandts,
> > and wine and smoke have helped supplant
> > real food for us and sycophants.
> >
> > "I see Phenix City, too
> > Alabam, the Chattahoo,
> > There's so much a bum can do
> > Let's go find a pooch to screw,
> > Catch some rats and make some stew,
> > Beg for change to score some brew
> > I'll take Coors lite, how 'bout you?
> >
> > "I see your tarp and my shed
> > Where I sleep in Bro Dave's bed
> > -- Done told that boy the paint was lead!
> > I see Waffle House dead ahead
> > Time for Donkeys to be fed,
> > Buttered pancakes, buttered bread
> > Bacon, eggs, ketchup so red
> > Like how Brother David bled
> > When you cracked his pointy head.
> >
> > "I see Candace, Tina, Jo
> > Pretty maids lined in a row,
> > Julie Pooley, old LoHo
> > Handy Sandy bent to blow--
> > Faded visions come and go
> > Of all the girls I used to know
> > ("Biblically," if I do say so)
> > Good thing that I've got my po-
> > Etry to keep them near me as I grow
> > Fat and old and kinda slow…
> > Yo! Dirty Mike! Strum that banjo!
> >
> > A Donkey moves out of the hills:
> >
> > "Listen you trolls to my tale of Zod, my Dude,
> > a piss poor bum, and his language is “quite” rude.
> > He bumps my posts and helps me fight a feud,
> > and he bathes in the holes that come bubbling up pooed.
> >
> > "Dark, he is, and filthy and crude.
> >
> > "Well, the first thing I know, Zod draws me in the nude.
> > Everyone said that the pictures were real lewd,
> > but it gets old eating rat tails barbecued,
> > so I ground up Brother Dave and he’s now a health food.
> >
> > "We were famous then, interviewed.
> >
> > "Now I have no time to post with attitude,
> > and I’ve sold everything to support my worthless brood,
> > and I’m thinking of moving north to GD’s latitude,
> > if I can walk there with my coffee pulchritude.
> >
> > "Fat, that is, ineptitude.
> >
> > "Trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Donkey!
> >
> > "H'yah! H'yah!
> >
> > "Keep trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Though your flames are stolen
> > Keep your ego swollen
> > Donkey!
> >
> > "Through sneers and plonks and harassment
> > And all kinds of embarrassment
> > I got my stinkbum by my side,
> > Just drinkin' beer and pissin'
> > Good waffles and butt kissin'
> > Will always serve to soothe my hurt pride.
> >
> > "Necropost, bump 'em up
> > Bump 'em up, necropost
> > Necropost, bump 'em up
> > Donkey!
> > Give a slurp, get a slurp
> > Get a slurp, give a slurp
> > Give a slurp, get a slurp
> > Donkey!
> >
> > "Keep trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Whinin' and cajolin'
> > Smokin' and cornholin'
> > With hos!
> >
> > "They say that I'm a clown, I
> > Keep stinkin' up the town, I
> > Soon will be bigger than a whale.
> > But I say bigger's better
> > And here comes big Loretta
> > Offerin' me her charms for sale.
> >
> > "Bump 'em up, slurp 'em up
> > Slurp 'em up, bump 'em up
> > Bump 'em up, slurp 'em up
> > Donkey!
> > Hello Zod, hello Dance
> > I'm too fat for Google pants
> > And a dozen 'Hello's' for Jordy.
> >
> > "Keep trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Trollin', trollin', trollin'
> > Donkey!
> >
> > "ZORRO!
> >
> > A Donkey writes what he knows:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I think that I'll write the great American novel
> > about this fat guy who lives in a ramshackle hovel
> > and he writes down his thoughts each day over waffles
> > and talks a lot about being born in a brothel
> > and how all of the bullies treated him awful
> > and he had big ears and a toilet paper schnozzle
> > and people told him he acted menopausal
> > but the story, of course, isn't autobiographical
> > and the hero has a great sense of spel and a thick skull.
> >
> > "My hero was born in 1958
> > Down in La Grange, Georgia, which is the best state,
> > The acme of culture, a real boilerplate
> > Of apple montages and Taco Hut dates.
> > His name is 'Will Honky,' a name that he hates
> > Because he likes black folks, black cooch is first-rate
> > And cooch is important when choosing your mate
> > If it ain't got no muscles, you cain't consummate.
> > His Pa was named Kelly, though no 'feminate
> > His Ma was named Mildred, and they'd fornicate
> > Like rabbits in springtime, need I 'lucidate?
> >
> > "Thus Willie was born on the 7th of May
> > 'Cause that's what you gets when you makes too much hay,
> > Leastways that's the story I heard the folks say
> > I got me a Joey, a Sarah, and Clay.
> > Willie banged Cousin Jenny when she was 'bouts three
> > And he was just seven, y'all know how that be!
> > Cause this tale takes place in the Deep South, you see,
> > And deep in the South we do things diff'rently.
> >
> > "Now Will had a brother what's named Brother Dave
> > A dim-witted dwarf boy who needed a shave
> > When he's just two weeks old, but the Guvermint gave
> > Dave a monthly paycheck that his folks used to save
> > For booze, weed, and chitlins -- they went to their grave
> > Without two cent between 'em, so Will made Dave his slave.
> >
> > "But I'm getting' ahead of my story, agin
> > Will was seven years old, sippin' Pa's homebrewed gin
> > And a gettin' his booty from his younger kin,
> > An' the neighbor kids, too, if'n they folks let him in.
> >
> > A Donkey proudly wears his ears:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Who's the filthiest of guys
> > who served in the Gay-Vee
> > G E O R G E
> > S U L Z B
> >
> > "Prey there, lie there, ho's there,
> > You're unwelcome as your fleas
> > G E O R G E
> > S U L Z B
> >
> > "George Sulz-B, George Sulz-B
> > The cops told you to hold your hands up high
> > Hi, Hi, Hi!
> >
> > "We're always wrong, we won't live long,
> > on this we can agree.
> > J O R D Y'S
> > U N C L E
> >
> > A Donkey waxes sentimental on his poetry:
> >
> > "A poem's a fart your brain makes
> > Morning, noon or night.
> > In poems there are no mistakes,
> > Whatever you write is alright.
> >
> > "Have faith in your poems and someday
> > Your success with come smiling through;
> > No matter how your peers are mocking
> > If you keep right on socking
> > Your dreams of a Perky will come true.
> >
> > A Donkey is cast away:
> >
> > "This is tit for tat and you'll want some tail
> > Some tail of a local ho
> > Who worked out in the apple trees
> > Where Columbums get their blow.
> >
> > "The bait was a sunken chest of a man
> > Who smelled of horse manure
> > Five customers showed up at once
> > Poets, they said they were, but all poets are obscure.
> >
> > "A Donkey started getting rough
> > The ho was salad tossed
> > The crowd discouraged the Donkey's spew
> > But they wanted BJs at cost, wanted BJs at cost.
> >
> > "The ho held her ground in the fumes and the mist of those ol' apple trees
> > With the Donkey
> > The Lo-Ho
> > The Bum and his Dirty Mike
> > The Jordy's Uncle
> > The Ibish
> > The Canuck Cross-Dresser and his Straw Man
> > And they all became senile.
> >
> > "Here's the story
> > Of a skunky Donkey
> > Who was bringing up a pair of smelly socks,
> > And he called them 'General Zod' and 'Jordy's Unckie' --
> > They'd chant 'The Donkey ROCKS!'
> >
> > "Here's the story
> > Of a man named 'Georgie'
> > A Mensa member, pothead and Canuck
> > He would run away from fights, like Mr. Porgie
> > He was a stoopid… cluck.
> >
> > "Till the one day when the Donkey met this fella
> > And he didn't care how bad the Donkey stank;
> > So this group would soon form an alliance
> > That's the way they all became the Dunce Gang.
> >
> > "The Duh-unce Gang.
> > The Duh-unce Gang.
> > That's the way they became the Duh-unce Gang.
> >
> > A Donkey uses a cane but is not able:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I had my son when I was young
> > Folks said he was a bastard's son
> > He wore a dress and cowboy hat
> > They called him fat, fat bastard's son.
> >
> > "He had to steal and cry all day
> > And women's eyes knew he was gay
> > He wore a horse's tail for fun
> > They called him fat, fat bastard's son.
> >
> > "The males that he nailed are still around
> > They said he was the best in town
> > Poets laughed and threw him under a train
> > but they couldn't stop me in my con game.
> >
> > "Now he is dressed as My Little Pony
> > and he's in love with you, my crony
> > We each now weigh a metric ton
> > They call us fat, fat bastard and son.
> >
> > A Donkey experiments with gainful employment:
> >
> > "The end of the Senior year was near
> > And quite accidentally,
> > A Donkey was pressed to pass his test…
> > He failed; and was left back again at twenty-three.
> >
> > "His GED papers failed to thrill
> > Employers all over town,
> > And so he wound up in the steel mill
> > Until that bleak day when the mill… shut down.
> >
> > "Now Willie's a bum, subhuman pond scum
> > And folks downwind of him sicken,
> > A fat, drunken slob, eats rat-kabob
> > And swears that it tastes like chicken.
> >
> > "When busking for handouts gets him down
> > He shines up his old Perky,
> > Before he became a drunken clown
> > And so he resumes with a troll and slurp…
> > AAPC!
> >
> > A Donkey sings a dirge:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Dirt Angel, Dirt Angel, you were my brother.
> > I miss your checks and the checks I stole from Mother.
> > Now you're just chunks, chunks rolling down a hill.
> >
> > "Dirt Angel, Dirt Angel, I sleep in your bed,
> > So it's a good thing, a good thing you're dead.
> > You were a retard, a retard who's finally still.
> >
> > "I took care of you, and I brewed
> > The coffee for my DT sweats;
> > I was on dope, still you stayed,
> > For the packages of cig, cigarettes.
> >
> > "Dirt Brother, Dirt Brother, you took enough time
> > To truly croak, your funeral cost a dime;
> > You were a millstone, and now I can finally chill.
> >
> > A Donkey sings an encore:
> >
> > "That fateful night
> > Zod blackout drunk
> > behind the railroad track
> >
> > "I ran away and I was safe…
> > But I'd left Dirt Brother ba-a-ack.
> >
> > "Dirt Brother, can you hear me?
> > Dirt Brother, can you see me?
> > Can it be, you're really dead…
> > And do I own the family shed?
> >
> > "What was it Zod was pissed about
> > When he cracked your skull that night?
> > They say they found some cigarettes
> > Clutched in your fingers, ti-i-ight.
> >
> > "Dirt Brother, can you hear me?
> > Dirt Brother, can you see me?
> > Are you really dead, by heck…
> > Now I won't get your disability check.
> >
> > "Just sixty-one
> > And now you're gone,
> > Your ashes blown away…
> >
> > "I didn't drop them in the dirt
> > That was your nephew, Cla-a-ay.
> >
> > "Dirt Brother, can you hear me?
> > Dirt Brother, can you see me?
> > It's a shame you didn't own crap…
> > I've inherited your knitted cap.
> >
> > A Donkey seeks an introduction:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > What's your name?
> > Is it Rocky or Sand?
> > What's your name?
> > Do you give jobs with hands?
> > It's so hard to find a guy of bestiality
> > and no morality
> > What's your name?
> > Hee Haw, Hee Haw, Hee Haw.
> >
> > A Donkey inspires his cheer bois:
> >
> > "Haw Hee Haw Haw
> > Haw Hee Haw Haw
> > Haw Hee Haw Haw
> > Haw Hee Haw Haw
> > Donkey slop!
> >
> > "Well you can slurp it, you can swill it
> > But you're never gonna kill it,
> > Donkey slop!
> >
> > "When the Donkey starts a spewin'
> > You can bet that Zod's a chewin'
> > Donkey slop!
> >
> > "Do the Donkey feces
> > 'Cause my crap always pleases,
> > Donkey slop!
> >
> > "Let's slurp Donkey slop!
> > Let's slurp Donkey slop! Oh, Stinky!
> > Let's slurp Donkey slop! Oh, Stinky!
> > Let's slurp Donkey slop!
> > Come on, let's slurp Donkey slop!
> >
> > "Well you can sing it, you can slurp it
> > You can belch it, you can burp it
> > Donkey slop!
> >
> > "Where the Donkey is a poet
> > Even if nobody knows it,
> > Donkey slop!
> >
> > "All the Zods and Isaacs gonna get their kicks
> > With Donkey Slop!
> >
> > "Let's go!
> >
> > "Let's slurp Donkey slop!
> > Let's slurp Donkey slop! Oh, Stinky!
> > Let's slurp Donkey slop! Oh, Stinky!
> > Let's slurp Donkey slop!
> > Come on, let's slurp Donkey slop!
> >
> > "Haw Hee Haw Haw
> > Haw Hee Haw Haw
> > Haw Hee Haw Haw
> > Haw Hee Haw Haw
> > Donkey slop!
> >
> > A Donkey considers schoolin’
> >
> > "Zod,
> > How do you spell 'similarities?'
> > I never could learn those ABCs
> > except for the one that starts with a D
> > 'cause I was called that with regularity
> > and the one with an M because it was me
> > and I learned the P when I climbed to pee
> > off the water tower on another crime spree
> > and George Dance's name starts with a G
> > and I could write a T at twenty-three
> > but I never could master Dockery.
> > Do you think I could get a college degree
> > if I don't know V, W, X, Y or Z?
> >
> > "I can count to two, but I can't count to three
> > I'm dumb as an ox, but they call me 'Donkey,'
> > I'm too dumb to figger out how that can be.
> >
> > "I can't hold a note, and I can't sing on key
> > But why should I let stuff like that bother me?
> > I can't read or write, but I write poetry,
> > My ego laid bare for the whole world to see
> > As I set straight my life's facts for Posterity.
> >
> > "I ain't had much schoolin' when schoolin' was free
> > I flunked out again when I turned twenty-three --
> > But I ain't gonna whine, 'cause it's all right with me,
> > Who needs school when the state gives a free GED?
> >
> > A Donkey considers auditioning for America’s Got Talent:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > You know I'm an expert at everything
> > from poems to writing to producing offspring,
> > though the ones I have lack my coloring
> > so Lady K may have been doing some swing-
> > ing and did you know that Martin Luther King
> > was pastor at my school and took me under his wing
> > and taught me all about non-violent marching
> > and I do that today, wearing only a g-string
> > and I march along as I proudly sing
> > about my life lived on a broken shoestring
> > and the many times my ass was put in a sling.
> >
> > "I write about all the things that Donkeys do
> > All the drugs that I've taken, the ladies I knew
> > The drunk truck stop women who charged me to screw
> > And all of the holes I put my finger to.
> > I worked in the steel mill and when that job was through
> > I squatted in lumber yards, and always blew
> > My money on LSD, weed, coke... it's true
> > I ate red and green taco sauce until I threw
> > Up my dinner all over poor Lady K, who
> > Was still in her tweens and did not have a clue
> > So I pimped her for blow down on Fourth Avenue.
> >
> > A Donkey Yo, Ho, Hos:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > C. S. Forester modeled Hornblower after me
> > I blow my own horn and have screwed Ellen Horny
> > I could have been a pirate on the seven seas
> > or an admiral of the fleet who drinks rum-laced coffee
> > and beds all the wenches from A to C
> > then runs a business based on apple trees
> > and uses all his leadership talents in an esprit
> > de corps dragging relatives in poems carefree
> > of grammar and spelling and that rhymetty
> > stuff that us moderns don't use 'cause we
> > done ate all the best and are human spondees.
> >
> > "He called me 'Hornblower' cause I'll blow your horn
> > I'll blow your horn just like them guys in gay porn,
> > I'll stick you and prick you like I was a thorn
> > Then blow you and blow you from night unto morn.
> > I'm Hornblower, dammit! I yam what I yam.
> > I like to blow horns and I like to post spam,
> > I'll blow my own horn like I don't give a damn
> > I set the facts straight with my horn blowing, ma'am.
> > I'm Willie Hornblower, I cruise up and down
> > The Riverwalk blowing each bum who's in town,
> > They don't wipe and sometimes my nose gets all brown
> > Then folks call me 'Brownnose, the Hornblowin' Clown.'
> > I'm Willie Hornblower, the queen of the seas!
> > I ain't got no boat, but I got ticks and fleas,
> > Just pull out your horn and I'm down on my knees
> > With visions of trees behind trees behind trees.
> >
> > A Donkey rolls in fame:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know that the great Horatio Nelson
> > is the multi-great grandfather of Ricky Nelson
> > and was the source for the wrestling move of half nelson
> > except that started as a surrounding full Nelson
> > and of course there is that Mandela named Nelson
> > but he wasn’t bad like Baby-Face Nelson
> > or musical like purple Prince Rogers Nelson
> > but may have looked somewhat like Willie Nelson
> > or that Rockefeller with the first name of Nelson
> > and Eddy who sang Mounty songs was a Nelson
> > and Brother Dave’s dad was a stray dog named Nelson
> > so to get more respect, I'm now Admirably Will Nelson
> >
> > A Dockey ruminates on his partners:
> >
> > "Zod
> > I feel like I’m dating twelve different guys.
> > I screw Zod and Victor and Rocky and, sigh,
> > it reminds me of seducing those cheese pizza pies
> > but you’ll never be the man with the beautiful eyes
> > or Pendragon, who faults me for thousands of lies,
> > or Cujo who says that I live in pig sties
> > or Jordo (and I love when he flounces and cries)
> > and you are not healthy, wealthy or wise
> > but I love you the most, Zod of my Thighs.
> >
> > "I used to screw Kathy, and Tina, it's true,
> > The Dark Queen, and Sandy (and, boy, that girl blew!),
> > Japonic Julie and Julie Poolie, too
> > And I screwed truck stop hos for a fiver or two.
> > But that was the old days and now I'm all through
> > There's no going back to the life I once knew --
> > I'm fat, old and smell like a bucket of poo,
> > I ain't got no job and my bills are all due
> > And twenty cent tacos cost a buck twenty-two
> > And four of my toes now stick out of my shoe
> > So the wimmin I hit on all tell me 'Screw you.'
> >
> > A Donkey knows Louis Theroux[sic]:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Wiggle Wiggle
> > I rap and wiggle, wiggle
> > I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
> > It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
> > And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
> > So what if people sniggle, sniggle
> > At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
> > I love to niggle, niggle.
> >
> > "I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
> > I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
> > He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
> > And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
> > An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
> > Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
> > I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
> > But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
> > Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.
> >
> > A Donkey knows pond scum:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know that Henry David Theroux
> > was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
> > and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
> > and they said good night just like us and the hos,
> > and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
> > but their farm could grew their very own blow,
> > and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
> > and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
> > and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.
> >
> > "More than Theroux, when I began
> > My poet's career, it was my plan
> > To write like Popeye the sailor man
> > And eats all me spinaches from a can.
> > I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.
> >
> > "I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
> > 'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
> > An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
> > All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
> > That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
> > 'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.
> >
> > A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
> > I learned that this year while playing with blocks
> > though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
> > so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
> > but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
> > and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
> > did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
> > whose choice of mates is unorthodox
> > and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
> > Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
> > but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
> > and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.
> >
> > A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.
> >
> > "Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
> > So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
> > For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
> > And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
> > We had no running water, but that was okay,
> > I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
> > We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
> > Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
> > But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
> > And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
> > At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
> > While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
> > That I lived a darn good life back in the day.
> >
> > Donkey enters musth:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm going through my monthly musth
> > when I have to bang either balls or bust
> > or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
> > but you always like my increased lust
> > when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
> > and even the grannies who are covered with dust
> > know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
> > and you'll recall that apple pie crust
> > when I went wild and ate and cussed
> > because I knew I'd soon combust
> > and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
> > at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.
> >
> > "This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
> > What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
> > I stick it in places where it don't belong
> > Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
> > But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
> > And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.
> >
> > "Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
> > And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
> > When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
> > But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
> > Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
> > And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
> > Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
> > Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
> > But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
> > When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
> > So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
> > The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
> > And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.
> >
> > A Donkey drop kicks names:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
> > and that certainly set a very high bar
> > which I easily reached in becoming a star.
> > I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
> > beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
> > and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
> > but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
> > We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
> > and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
> > and every single Christmas they sent caviar
> > and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.
> >
> > "You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
> > It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
> > We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
> > Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
> > And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
> > We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
> > All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
> > Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
> > Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."
> >
> > A Donkey practices planned parenthood:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
> > People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
> > Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
> > and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
> > I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
> > and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
> > and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
> > but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.
> >
> > "I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
> > An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
> > But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
> > Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
> > I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
> > If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
> > Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
> > (Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
> > I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.
> >
> > A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm having a cookout on July the Four
> > I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
> > who service the needy like me who can't score
> > but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
> > of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
> > until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
> > and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
> > and you can raise up the bum semaphore
> > just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
> > and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
> > but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
> > so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
> > of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
> > but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
> > on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
> > and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.
> >
> > "I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
> > I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
> > An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
> > Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
> > Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
> > I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.
> >
> > "I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
> > I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
> > On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
> > But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
> > An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
> > An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
> > Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
> > An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load
> >
> > "Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
> > An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
> > Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
> > That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.
> >
> > A Donkey is captured for posterity:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
> > We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
> > Let's not include the custom handcuffs
> > but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
> > and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
> > diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
> > on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
> > who love me all day and then leave in a huff
> > 'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
> > so I'm asking you to get off your duff
> > and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
> > just me and my bod and that should be enough
> > for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.
> >
> > "I want you to body paint me when you're done
> > You can paint daisies on me, it should be such fun
> > I make a broad canvas -- I weigh half a ton --
> > You can paint the grand canyon on just my left bun;
> > Polka dots on my man-boobs, big pink and green ones
> > And if you find my wiener, paint it like a gun.
> > I'll look like a tattooed man, I'm telling you, hon
> > And when you finish me, you can paint on my son.
> >
> > Donkey designs his world:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'd like to pretend that I am a house.
> > You can paint me bright colors and act as my spouse.
> > The blue tarp you stole didn't keep out the louse
> > that's now my pet vermin along with my mouse,
> > and thanks for finding this pink ruffled blouse
> > that I wear in the shack while you liberally douse
> > me with love juice and pull off my baggy old trows
> > and art fills us both like we're stars at Bauhaus.
> >
> > "Or maybe I'll pretend that I am a boat
> > I've got lots of blubber to keep me afloat,
> > I need to get shipshape, so give me a coat
> > Of fresh paint to cover my flab and my bloat,
> > And maybe some blue stars to highlight my scrot.
> > I'm an impressive vessel, pardon if I gloat
> > But Horatio Hornblower surely would dote
> > On my riggings and mainsails -- and this you can quote
> > I would blow that man's horn like my name was 'Deep Throat.'
> >
> > A Donkey pines for Manolos:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > Do you know any shoes that will fit on my feet?
> > I have hoofs for feet, which the hos think is neat
> > but nailing shoes on is hard on the street
> > and you know that I walk 20 miles just to eat
> > so pulling shoes on would make a fine treat
> > and wearing real shoes could get me dark meat
> > which has a strange texture, not tart and not sweet.
> > If you find me high heels, I'll be indiscrete
> > with you and DirtMike in the crew cab backseat,
> > and hoofs don't feel good on the hot, cracked concrete
> > but I'd wear stilettos in a Durundo drumbeat
> > and I'd hee and I'd haw and I'd bleat, Mon Petite.
> >
> > "Now a donkey in heels is a marvelous sight
> > I like how it feels, it increases my height;
> > All the boys at LeGents shout "You go, girl! Alright!"
> > While the AAPC trolls just laugh out of spite.
> >
> > "But the fashionable donkeys who want to impress
> > Wouldn't dream of Manolos without a new dress,
> > A new, bright blue moomoo, I have to confess
> > Would be too, too, très froufrou, I'd have such finesse
> > That all the LeGents gents would call me Princess.
> >
> > A Donkey builds a time machine:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I think I'm living in 2092.
> > Sorry, but you'll croak in 2022
> > and poems are mailing me out of the blue --
> > how they have my address, I haven't a clue --
> > and each time I typed, my nose twitched and grew.
> > I can't even see when I start with my spew.
> > I make 1000 typos and each is brand new.
> > I sure hope you hurry so you can push through
> > 30 posts to take the heat off me, whew!
> > I only have John Dunne and they have a slew
> > of things like Ed Poland, and Woody won't do
> > 'cause Rochester looks like a god and I knew
> > that my comebacks were starting to gather mildew,
> > and I'm crying with shame and can't bum a tissue,
> > so I'm looking for Pickles, that Wandering Jew,
> > to save me from trolls, and he's long overdue.
> >
> > "The future's like everything H.G. Wells said
> > It would be, but sadly, I'm still better off dead --
> > In a George Jetson world, I still live in a shed.
> > I've got tapeworms and chiggers and lice on my head
> > I've got rats in my cupboard, and fleas in my bed
> > And they've all got computers and spaceships of red
> > And make noises like Pac-Man and call me inbred
> > And George's boy, Elroy, said that I'm a ped-
> > ophile, and I must admit that I've not read
> > Much about such things but he's got more than a shred
> > Of DNA evidence and so I've pled
> > For mercy -- but got thrown in prison instead.
> >
> > A Donkey never won no stinkin’ spellin bee
> >
> > "Zod,
> > How do you spel the first name William?
> > I print 4 letters and then I'm, umm?
> > I also want to know how to spel scrotum.
> > Asking for a friend with unearned income.
> > Derundo is to blame for trying to drum
> > some music into me but I can’t spel rhythm.
> > HandySandy asked if I liked her gums
> > but she used her hands and has a green thumb
> > from sticking it into an apple tree plum,
> > which is rare but grow in Columbus' slums
> > where I live in my shack with my bro and my mum
> > but now they done died and I eat old breadcrumbs
> > and watch and wait 'til the mailman comes
> > and I make out the letters WILL IS DUMB.
> >
> > "It's a liddle known fack that we Donkeys cain't spel
> > But we tries anyways thoe are werds, sad to tel
> > Look like sumphin the cat throwed up on are lapel;
> > Stil we calls 'em 'po-tree,' and claims they look swel.
> > They's sum peeples tink that are po-trees smel,
> > But they's all jest trols, and I knows verry wel
> > That every last one of them's jellice as Hel.
> >
> > A Donkey seeks definition in his life:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > What does it mean to apostrophe?
> > Does that mean getting all of your meals for free?
> > Or wearing your pants with a string of G?
> > Or sacrificing quality for quantity?
> > Or living your life squalidly?
> > Or spending each day dishonestly?
> > Or really needing optometry?
> > Or mistakes increasing geometrically?
> > Or drinking coffee for impotency?
> > Or needing to watch pornography?
> > Or knowing my art's an atrocity?
> > Or living with you conjugally?
> > Or having a roof with porosity?
> > Or knowing I'm a lump of mediocrity?
> > Please tell me so I can post more on AAPC.
> >
> > "What is this thing called 'apostrophe'?
> > Is it big as a bread box or small as a flea?
> > Does one drink it with Ripple, or coffee, or tea?
> > If you show it in public, do girls come to see?
> > Is it worth anything -- have you got one for me?
> > Will it help me to win a stinkin' spelling bee?
> > Let's see: 'A-P-O-S-T-R-O-W-FEE.'
> > I'm not wrong! Look it up! You're just picking on me!
> >
> > A Donkey roots around:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I did DNA testing and I'm not my Pa's son.
> > I'm part donkey, poodle and Pomeranian.
> > No wonder Ma built us that chain-link dog run
> > to roll in and dig holes and play fetch for fun.
> > I had my tail chopped when I turned twenty-one --
> > Ma said I was like a canine John Donne --
> > but I'd wag it and lift it when I'd see someone
> > I liked but humping people's legs just wasn't done
> > in polite society and that taught me a lesson
> > to pay for my pleasure or go to prison,
> > and then I found you and you liked Alpo Sun,
> > which wasn't steak but tasty on a hamburger bun.
> >
> > "I'm top dog among poets, Columbus' bard
> > I shit in a hole I dug in the back yard,
> > Not my yard, if I'd shat there, I'd have been tarred
> > And my Pa could wield a switch powerful hard.
> >
> > "I got me a Perky as all here should know
> > Who cares if some Pekingese won best in show,
> > I bow-wow-wow wowed them by singing 'Zorro'
> > Then traded my trophy to some truck stop ho.
> >
> > "My Ma was the bitch all the other dogs boned
> > And I was the runt that bitch flat-out disowned,
> > I'd wag my tail at her, but she only groaned
> > 'You wouldn't be here if I hadn't got stoned.'
> >
> > "I'm going for a walk 'long the old Chattahooch
> > To see if there's any food scraps I can mooch,
> > The folks there say I am their favorite pooch
> > And LoHo the ho lets me mooch for some cooch.
> >
> > "But I'm still a donkey, and not some old stray
> > And I wrotes me some poems I'm wanting to bray,
> > Please hold all your giggling because I'm not gay
> > You can jack on my ass, but you're going to pay.
> >
> > A Donkey schools himself:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I miss all my years in 11th grade --
> > of drinking and drugging and getting laid,
> > though my partners expected that they would get paid
> > but I stiffed them and you said that was very well played
> > and you know at that time I only weighed
> > 100 pounds and my afro made
> > me look like a pencil with an exploded lampshade
> > on my head but that helped when police'd stage a raid
> > and I'd stick my tabs in my hair pomade
> > with my poems, a beer and a battered trade
> > paperback of 'Southern Poets and Black Handmaids'
> > and from Barfly and Zu-Bolted I earned accolades
> > and I was sorry after 10 years when I had to bade
> > farewell to Carver but I was unafraid
> > because I would gift the world with a Donkey Serenade.
> >
> > "There's a stench in the air
> > And I swear that it's not me
> > Though I am aware
> > There's a stench in the air.
> >
> > "So I'll sing like a fool
> > Till you're sure I've not farted
> > And that I am cool
> > For a fat, drooling mule.
> >
> > "Amigo mio, do I not have a manly bray?
> > 'Just like a jackass' is what all of the people say.
> > But they are all just jealous.
> > Thank God that they can't smell us.
> > They'd like to be like me, they sniff at my posts all day.
> >
> > "But try as they may, they are destined to fall
> > 'Cause no one can bray quite like me… HEE-EEE-HAW!
> > Zod, my sweet, a Donkey's seat is not petite
> > So come and beat it, it's a treat but please don't eat it
> > I'm a great Donkey!
> >
> > "I can give you a ride
> > While we play Hide the Sausage,
> > Have you ever tried
> > A jackass for your bride?
> >
> > "We can busk on our way
> > To the old Chattahoochee,
> > Everyone will pay
> > Just to hear when I bray.
> >
> > "Amigo mio, are they listening to my song?
> > I hear them booing, how can so many be so wrong?
> > Now someone's chanting 'Zorro!'
> > Oh no, I hear 'The horror!'
> > They must be jealous 'cause my voice is so big and strong.
> >
> > "I bray like a bird, but they all say I spew,
> > And all that I hear for applause… is 'PEE-YOU!'
> > Zod, my man, my only fan, we've got to make them understand
> > That I'm the greatest in the land, King of AAPC!
> >
> > A Donkey drools and pants:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > You've been in my pants, what size do I wear?
> > Could 32x32 bust out a chair?
> > Have you ever seen me completely bare?
> > My bottom is covered with thick monkey hair
> > that flows past my tail with a donkey swish flair.
> > I would get those Levi's if Goodwill could spare
> > something that fit me and the alarm didn't blare
> > when I stuffed them in my shirt and I was taken somewhere
> > dirty and nasty where I told them, I swear,
> > that I didn't steal them and that I was a millionaire,
> > but I care a lot about my outerwear --
> > my one pair of pants is easy care
> > since I don't take them off and they clean open air.
> > That Rochester's got nerve, dressing debonair,
> > and like lower numbers will get him anywhere
> > with the ladies, who all love men shaped like a bear.
> >
> > "My trousers were once worn by Haystacks Calhoun
> > And my moob shirt belonged to Gorilla Monsoon
> > (I can't button it, but it makes the girls swoon).
> > Folks say that I'm built like a hot air balloon,
> > I may not be buffed but I am a buffoon,
> > I'm smart as a whip and I knows what I'm doin'
> > I make like a singer to get me some poon
> > Though I am unable to carry a tune
> > I grunt my way through a drunken baboon.
> > Rochester is swanky, but I'm more roughhewn,
> > A hillbilly boy with a face like a prune
> > I'm older than dirt but folks call me 'jejune'
> > I bow down to thank them, but shoot them the moon.
> >
> > A Donkey under the influence:
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I wanted to name Clay for my idol Buk
> > Because Kathy said they both made her puke
> > I was forced to give her a strong rebuke
> > when she said Buk's writing was gobbledygook
> > with a slap 'cross her jaw which got her spooked
> > and she ran away with that Mexican kook
> > and I moped around like a dead chinook
> > but I still had girlfriends and that was no fluke
> > so how can Pen want to burn and nuke
> > Bukowski's great poems and classic books?
> >
> > "Yeah, I learned from the best, Buk has earned his renown,
> > I'm the biggest jackass in the bad part of town,
> > Who cares if I can't tell a verb from a noun?
> > Like Wile E. Coyote, I'm a crazy clown,
> > I drinks so much likker, most folks thinks I'll drown
> > My shit's mean and green, it don't never be brown!
> > My old lady know'd not to give me no frown,
> > I knocked that bitch up, then I slapped her ass down
> > It's too bad she's planted six feet undergroun'
> > Pen makes me so mad I need something to poun'!
> >
> > A Donkey relocates his Empire
> >
> > "Zod,
> > I'm planning a move to NY to be near
> > Pen and Edward and then they can hear
> > me sing and poet and they won't dare sneer
> > at my talent and form and large, shapely rear
> > and hoofs hot to trot in city footgear.
> > I'll be a big hit as a smooth balladeer
> > and might even take in some fluffy premieres
> > of major porn flicks and then get a pap smear.
> > I'll perform on Broadway in less than a year,
> > and Pen and Edward can no longer smear
> > my outstanding skill as a writing pioneer
> > of Southern poems from Columbus' Shakespeare,
> > and you'll move there too as my venue cashier
> > and in a NY minute, all our worries disappear.
> >
> > "Ol' Blue Eyes said I'll make it there
> > Because I've made it anywhere…
> > Well, almost made it, to be fair,
> > I headlined at Doo-Nanny, I swear!
> > As donkeys go, I'm debonaire,
> > I've got that equine savoir faire,
> > And when I make my nostrils flare
> > The ladies act just like a mare
> > In heat -- so gentlemen, take care
> > They can't resist my frizzy hair
> > They squee and toss their.underwear
> > And want to squeeze the sexy spare
> > Tire atop my derriere.
>