A Scroll
George Dance
By the river I saw geese fly
Like black angels, far and high;
Trees like cracks in a scarlet sky;
A smell of smoke; and a dolorous cry:
"Fallen is Babylon the Great,"
Cries the wild goose to his mate;
"All for fire to consume;
Ashes, ashes for their doom."
"Still, we knew their sea and land,"
Softer now she answers, "and,
Safely in the south land, we
Will miss their insecurity."
On the bank red sumac lay,
Fires banked at close of day.
Who will watch those fires burn?
And who will see the geese return?
-----------------
Notes to lines
5 "I saw another angel come down from heaven, having great power; and
the earth was lighted with his glory. And he called mightily wth a
strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is
become the habitation of devils." (Rev. 18:1-2 KJV)
7 "and she shall be utterly burned with fire" (Rev. 18:8 KJV)
8 "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down." "Ring-around-the-Rosie",
children's rhyme.
David
"George Dance" <george...@yahoo.ca> wrote in message
news:1174747758.5...@e65g2000hsc.googlegroups.com...
>A Scroll
>
> By the river I saw geese fly
> Like black angels, far and high;
> Trees like cracks in a scarlet sky;
> A smell of smoke; and a dolorous cry:
>
> "Fallen is Babylon the Great,"
> Cries the wild goose to his mate;
> "All for fire to consume;
> Ashes, ashes for their doom."
>
> "Still, we knew their sea and land,"
> Softer now she answers, "and,
> Safely in the south land, we
> Will miss their insecurity."
>
> On the bank red sumac lay,
> Fires banked at close of day.
> Who will watch those fires burn?
> And who will see the geese return?
Nice to see some writing with a bit of guts...
-D
Beau Blue
Don't have much faith in your audience, huh? That could be a problem,
you know. Maybe not ...
-blue
~ Beau Blue Presents ~ <> http://members.cruzio.com/~jjwebb
Bill Minor * Robert Sward <> Internet Broadsides
Morton Marcus * Renay <> Contemporary American Poetry
~ Blue's Cruzio Cafe ~ <> http://members.cruzio.com/~cafe
Rik Roots
<snip>
> Nice to see some writing with a bit of guts...
> -D
>
obpoem:
*Art*
It was speeded and slowed:
I had left the station, imitating vacancy
as I brazened my way to the street bazaar,
passing the morning muster of vagrants.
There was one, possibly young, laughing.
The mouth was slit taut, lips slabbed by teeth
as uneven as the paving I crossed.
He gambolled his way into the road,
vehicles screaming annoyance,
their dominion challenged.
Hawkers distract me, smells
of the bazaar tapping an anticipation...
Right is more interested in other things:
Liechtenstein, is Right's first remark -
then comments on continuing lines, forms
of brush strokes. WHAMM! Dot dot.
Seconds stall past before Left sees
the object of Right's observation
semi-circled by open mouths, hammered
into the warming tarmac. Warhol
is too obvious a conclusion - Right adds.
Left cannot agree. Left's vision casts a different scene.
In the manner of a passionate Van Gogh.
A desperate arrangement of offal
spun across the canvas. Reddened sun-slants
digging, dragging rays across bleached corn.
Rags and boots hinting at distant structures
to a foreground glory - and congealing clouds
promising a shepherd's warning
as I walk on.
Rik Roots
A long time ago (ref. the gratuitous use of ellipsis)
(apologies, I couldn't resist. Though I doubt that many now here will
understand the concept of the "obpoem")
Rik, knee deep.
--
"Is that a new chapbook, Rik?"
"Indeed it is - and it's free to download for your own personal reading
pleasure!"
From Each Skull, A Story
http://www.rikweb.co.uk/poems/download/skullstory.pdf
(a Rik's Sparky Little Printing Press production)
George Dance
I'm still ambivalent about the notes. My final reason for leaving
them on was that, if I left them in, anyone could say, "Get them off";
whereas, if I'd posted the poem without them, no one would say, "Add
some notes."
The reason they're there in the first place was that this was written
a long time ago (though much revised since) when I thought Eliot was
the prophet of a new poetry.
George Dance
> "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote in message
Thank you. You helped me decide on whether to keep the notes, BTW.
by not using them. They can go.
David
Well, have you never heard of post-modernism... Charles Olson et al...?
I appreciated the footnotes... but ommitted them in my reply to the
writer...
(I think I was trying to save paper...LOL...)
-D.
George Dance
> "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote in message
Sure, I heard of it; but I've never read any Olson. We certainly
didn't study him in college English - back then they were just putting
together a modernist canon. Since then I've only been a casual
reader, off and on. (I've read some George Bowering, whom IIRC I read
somewhere was a Black Mountain student; I'll check him out later.)
>
> I appreciated the footnotes... but ommitted them in my reply to the
> writer...
> (I think I was trying to save paper...LOL...)
>
Thank you for clarifying. I got the impression you'd found them
unnecessary, and I was thinking of dropping them. But I'm still
ambivalent.
David
>> > The reason they're there in the first place was that this was written
>> > a long time ago (though much revised since) when I thought Eliot was
>> > the prophet of a new poetry.
>>
>> Well, have you never heard of post-modernism... Charles Olson et al...?
>
>
> Sure, I heard of it; but I've never read any Olson. We certainly
> didn't study him in college English - back then they were just putting
> together a modernist canon. Since then I've only been a casual
> reader, off and on. (I've read some George Bowering, whom IIRC I read
> somewhere was a Black Mountain student; I'll check him out later.)
Oh, no what do we have here...? modesty, honesty...? LOL
I collected most of Olson's work and read it. Met Robert Creeley here in NZ
He married a woman local to here and I know her brother...
Was more enamoured of Gary Snyder... I think he was on the edge of these
blokes... I come more from the Beat era...
At one time I read of a poet near Big Sur in the 1930's- he lived there with
his family in a stone house...
but there are many/several schools of poetry....
-D
Ronald 'More-More' Moshki
"Dominion" God gave to the Bad Man
Which made the Good Man a very Sad Man.
Said the Great Man to the Hate Man:
"Where have you been?"
I've killed here and tortured there
And at all points in between.
Note--think King Crimson
ggamble
wrote:
>"Still, we knew their sea and land,"
>Softer now she answers, "and,
>Safely in the south land, we
>Will miss their insecurity."
I'll assume that you didn't intend this to be absolutely hilarious.
Or, perhaps I should give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that
you're writing a parody of the common, garden variety forced rhyme
doggerel nonsense we encounter daily.
Either way:
Try to have your writing make sense.
Learn how to employ a semicolon.
Don't sacrifice sense on the altar of rhyme.
Avoid cliches and abstractions.
George Dance
> On 24 Mar 2007 07:49:18 -0700, "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca>
I don't really see Mother Goose's song as doggerel (though I admit she
does sound a bit like W.H. Auden). I wrote this as a teenager, same
as the other piece I posted this weekend - those two impressed me
enough that I was able to write them from memory. I did scrap and
redo the first verse of this one before posting, though, so I won't
rule out ever doing that to the third.
One thing I don't mind changing immediately is punctuation. I'm not
happy with Father Goose's semicolons; I'd be more than happy to
substitute something else (but not dashes). Or make any other
punctuation changes you specificy.
And, of course, I'll bear all of your points in mind as good advice
for the future. Thanks for your candid opinion.
Karla
wrote:
>A Scroll
>
>By the river I saw geese fly
>Like black angels, far and high;
>Trees like cracks in a scarlet sky;
>A smell of smoke; and a dolorous cry:
>
>"Fallen is Babylon the Great,"
>Cries the wild goose to his mate;
>"All for fire to consume;
>Ashes, ashes for their doom."
>
>"Still, we knew their sea and land,"
>Softer now she answers, "and,
>Safely in the south land, we
>Will miss their insecurity."
>
>On the bank red sumac lay,
>Fires banked at close of day.
>Who will watch those fires burn?
>And who will see the geese return?
You seem to be setting up your speaker to be a visionary or prophet, and
what he see/hears is the scroll. The last stanza departs from this with the
questions posed. The speaker becomes a modern day poet who doesn't know how
to wrap up the poem! Perhaps along with your other rewriting tasks, end the
poem with something like 'no one was left to watch those fires burn...those
geese return', instead of the questions. Although, rereading it, it's
possible that the speaker of the first stanza disappears when the geese
take over as visionaries. Also, since you're making use of Revelations, you
might lean a bit more on the four corners of the world being rolled up like
a scroll. I think the footnote re 'ashes, ashes' complicates. The nursery
rhyme makes me think of the Black Plague.
Karla
George Dance
> On 24 Mar 2007 07:49:18 -0700, "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca>
The effect I wanted to achieve was that the speaker's own
consciousness drops out, and the vision takes over, in the second and
third verse; but that he snaps back in in the last verse. I tried to
indicate that by switching tenses, using past for the real events and
present for the vision. I see I can make that clearer by mentioning
"I" again in the 13th line - I don't know how I can shoehorn it in,
but I'll play around with that. Anyway, that's the reason for the
questions at the end - the visions aren't the future, or even what the
speaker believes will be the future, but just something that happened
to him - he doesn't know when, or if, they'll come true.
> Also, since you're making use of Revelations, you
> might lean a bit more on the four corners of the world being rolled up like
> a scroll.
If there's room. I could try having Mother Goose continue the
prophecy, rather than just saying she'll miss us; as has been pointed
out, that's the weakest stanza. I'll try a rewrite along those
lines. .
> I think the footnote re 'ashes, ashes' complicates. The nursery
> rhyme makes me think of the Black Plague.
>
True; there's that. But it's a good description of nuclear fallut,
which is really what I was thinking about. OTOH, that's a good reason
to take the other notes out, as well; leaving them in may make it
sound like I'm actually talking about Revelation rather than just
using it as a metaphor. So that's decisive; the notes are gone.
Hmm .. but that last's a reason for not adding more from Revelation.
You've certainly given me some things to think about, though I'm not
sure what I'll do with all of them as yet. I'll drop the notes, and
try to get "I" into line 13 if possible.
George Dance
Bad Men only rule us if we let them,
Some day we'll grow up and forget them.
> Said the Great Man to the Hate Man:
> "Where have you been?"
> I've killed here and tortured there
> And at all points in between.
>
> Note--think King Crimson
"I Talk to the Whip"?
George Dance
Hmm ... What if I made the last verse:
On the bank red sumac lay,
Fires banked at close of day,
Will I watch those fires burn?
And will I see the geese return?
Not only does that make it clear that the speaker's own consciousness
is back; it makes it clearer that more confued than convinced by the
vision.
> > Also, since you're making use of Revelations, you
> > might lean a bit more on the four corners of the world being rolled up like
> > a scroll.
>
> If there's room. I could try having Mother Goose continue the
> prophecy, rather than just saying she'll miss us; as has been pointed
> out, that's the weakest stanza. I'll try a rewrite along those
> lines. .
I decided against that, BTW, because of what came up later; I don't
want this to be a poem about part of the Bible.
> > I think the footnote re 'ashes, ashes' complicates. The nursery
> > rhyme makes me think of the Black Plague.
>
> True; there's that. But it's a good description of nuclear fallut,
> which is really what I was thinking about. OTOH, that's a good reason
> to take the other notes out, as well; leaving them in may make it
> sound like I'm actually talking about Revelation rather than just
> using it as a metaphor. So that's decisive; the notes are gone.
>
> Hmm .. but that last's a reason for not adding more from Revelation.
> You've certainly given me some things to think about, though I'm not
> sure what I'll do with all of them as yet. I'll drop the notes, and
> try to get "I" into line 13 if possible.-
George Dance
> "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote in message
>
> news:1174817826.6...@n59g2000hsh.googlegroups.com...
>
> >> > The reason they're there in the first place was that this was written
> >> > a long time ago (though much revised since) when I thought Eliot was
> >> > the prophet of a new poetry.
>
> >> Well, have you never heard of post-modernism... Charles Olson et al...?
>
> > Sure, I heard of it; but I've never read any Olson. We certainly
> > didn't study him in college English - back then they were just putting
> > together a modernist canon. Since then I've only been a casual
> > reader, off and on. (I've read some George Bowering, whom IIRC I read
> > somewhere was a Black Mountain student; I'll check him out later.)
>
> Oh, no what do we have here...? modesty, honesty...? LOL
>
> I collected most of Olson's work and read it. Met Robert Creeley here in NZ
> He married a woman local to here and I know her brother...
>
> Was more enamoured of Gary Snyder... I think he was on the edge of these
> blokes... I come more from the Beat era...
>
> At one time I read of a poet near Big Sur in the 1930's- he lived there with
> his family in a stone house...
>
> but there are many/several schools of poetry....
>
> -D
>
I'd never read Gary Snyder, either; but I found some of his poems on
the Beat Page.
http://www.rooknet.com/beatpage/writers/snyder.html
I enjoyed "Axe Handles"; how it began as a story, and then turned into
an epiphany. I got the idea that these poems aren't really supposed
to be read, though, but heard.
>
>
>
>
> >> I appreciated the footnotes... but ommitted them in my reply to the
> >> writer...
> >> (I think I was trying to save paper...LOL...)
>
> > Thank you for clarifying. I got the impression you'd found them
> > unnecessary, and I was thinking of dropping them. But I'm still
> > ambivalent.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
Sugir Jinn
"Karla" <kar...@sbcNOSPAMglobal.net> wrote in message news:lk6e03dreh9btqc6m...@4ax.com...
I'm sure that when you cease being a troll
it will be in the Scroll.
--
-------------------------------------------
legal defense fund: http://CafePress.Com/fat_karl
AJ - http://ClitIns.Com e In.
(800 folders. -- kiddie-filtered -- FREE,
Usenet Porn.)
George Dance
By the river I saw geese fly
Like black angels, far and high;
Trees like cracks in a scarlet sky;
A smell of smoke; and a dolorous cry:
"Fallen is Babylon the Great,"
Cries the wild goose to his mate.
"All for fire to consume.
Ashes, ashes for their doom."
"Still, we knew their sea and land,"
Softer now she answers, "and,
Safely in the south land, we
Will miss their insecurity."
On the bank red sumac lay,
Fires banked at close of day.
Will I watch those fires burn?
And will I see the geese return?
Here's the rewrite based on comments so far. First, I removed the
semi-colons from the second verse (though I had to leave them in the
first; dashes look terrible, and full stops are ungrammatical).
Second, I shanged the questions in the fourth, to make the ending a
bit clearer. Finally, I made a final decision and scrapped the notes.
George Dance
OK. One more rewrite, to get rid of the semicolons in the first
stanza and remove an 'and' that was bothering me there, and give
Mother Goose one line with a bit more passion. And I think that does
it. Thank you all for your comments.
-----------------
A Scroll
By the river I saw geese fly
Like black angels, far and high.
Trees like cracks in a scarlet sky -
A smell of smoke - a dolorous cry:
"Fallen is Babylon the Great,"
Cries the wild goose to his mate.
"All for fire to consume.
Ashes, ashes for their doom."
"Still, we learned to love their land,"
Hector Heathcliff
Antti
I have avoided reading revelations since I was a child.
I really love the idea of geese watching from above. Escaping calamity reserved for us.
Antti
Hieronymous Corey
George J. Dance
By the river I saw geese fly
Like black angels, far and high —
A scent of smoke — A dolorous cry:
The poem is over here on my blog:
https://gdancesbetty.blogspot.com/2010/11/a-scroll-george-j-dance.html
I have about 50 original poems and translations on the site, and I'd love for you to visit and check them out.
Antti
Keep writing new poems!
My site with awful songs is at:
https://anttismusic.blogspot.com/
I write very cliched shitty lyrics.. I wonder why. Like I said to Will, for some reason it is damn hard to write good song lyrics.
After writing the instrumental, it is easier to just write some awful crap on the top.
I think I am going to start posting poems too..
Antti
Antti
Hector Heathcliff
Hector Heathcliff
>
> A Scroll
> By the river I saw geese fly
> Like black angels, far and high;
> A smell of smoke; and a dolorous cry:
> "Fallen is Babylon the Great,"
> "All for fire to consume;
>
> Safely in the south land, we
> Will miss their insecurity."
>
> On the bank red sumac lay,
> Fires banked at close of day.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Notes to lines
> 5 "I saw another angel come down from heaven, having great power; and
> the earth was lighted with his glory. And he called mightily wth a
> strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is
> become the habitation of devils." (Rev. 18:1-2 KJV)
> 7 "and she shall be utterly burned with fire" (Rev. 18:8 KJV)
> 8 "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down." "Ring-around-the-Rosie",
> children's rhyme.