alt.tv.mad-about-you Episode Guide for Season #1

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Archive-name: tv/mad-about-you/season1
Posting-frequency: quarterly
Last-modified: 97-01-05
Version: 5.1
URL: http://www.alumni.caltech.edu/~witelski/may-eg1.html
Copyright: (c) 1994-1997 by Ramaswamy [ra...@ultranet.com]


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Episode Guide for Season #1 of "Mad About You"
for the Usenet newsgroup alt.tv.mad-about-you

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Archive-name: tv/mad-about-you/season1
Posting-frequency: quarterly
Last-modified: 97-01-05
Version: 5.1

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This Episode Guide for the TV Comedy show "Mad About You" is,
as a collection of information,
Copyright (c) 1994-1997 by Ramaswamy [ra...@ultranet.com],
Douglas B. Robertson [d...@fermi.tiger.ab.ca],
Catherine Chan [cc...@io.org] and
Eugene Wang [egg...@cs.bu.edu].
All Rights Reserved.

This document may be freely distributed in electronic form for
personal use only, provided it is distributed in its entirety
and with all original author and copyright information intact.
Distribution by any other means must be by permission of the
copyright holder. This material is for non-commercial use only
and any sale for profit is expressly forbidden. It may not be
included in any commercial documents, archives or CD-ROMs, nor
uploaded to any BBS or online service without the permission
of the copyright holder. The removal of this copyright notice
is prohibited.

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The MAY Episode Guides:

Episode Guide for Season #1
Episode Guide for Season #2
Episode Guide for Season #3
Episode Guide for Season #4
Episode Guide for Season #5

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The First Season

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Table of Contents

Cast of Characters
Supporting Characters
The Production Team

1.1 (101) 92-09-23 Romantic Improvisations [Premiere]
1.2 (104) 92-09-30 Sofa's Choice
1.3 (103) 92-10-07 Sunday Times
1.4 (102) 92-10-14 Out of the Past
1.5 (106) 92-10-21 Paul in the Family
1.6 (105) 92-10-28 I'm Just So Happy For You
1.7 (107) 92-11-04 Token Friend
1.8 (109) 92-11-11 The Apartment
1.9 (111) 92-11-18 Riding Backwards
1.10 (110) 92-11-25 Neighbors from Hell
1.11 (113) 92-12-16 Met Someone
1.12 (108) 93-01-06 Maid About You
1.13 (112) 93-01-13 Togetherness
1.14 (116) 93-01-27 Weekend Getaway
1.15 (115) 93-02-06 The Wedding Affair
1.16 (114) 93-02-13 Love Among the Tiles
1.17 (118) 93-02-20 The Billionaire
1.18 (119) 93-02-27 The Man Who Said Hello
1.19 (117) 93-04-30 Swept Away
1.20 (120) 93-05-08 The Spy Who Loved Me
1.21 (122) 93-05-15 The Painter
1.22 (121) 93-05-22 Happy Anniversary [Season Finale]

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Telecasts in Syndication:

As of September 1996, episodes from this season are being
aired in syndication in North America, with approximately
1 minute of content snipped from the original telecasts
in 1992-93. Check your local TV listings for the station,
days and times of telecast.

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Cast of Characters

Paul Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . . Paul Reiser
Jamie Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . Helen Hunt
Lisa Stemple . . . . . . . . . . . . Anne Ramsay
Jay Selby . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tommy Hinkley
Fran Devanow . . . . . . . . . . . . Leila Kenzle
Mark Devanow . . . . . . . . . . . . Richard Kind
Ira Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . . John Pankow
Murray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Smiley, Maui

Supporting Characters

Burt Buchman, Paul's father . . . . Louis Zorich
Gus Stemple, Jamie's father . . . . Paul Dooley
Theresa Stemple, Jamie's mother . . Nancy Dussault
Ryan, Fran and Mark's son . . . . . Spencer Klein

Ike, Paul's editor . . . . . . . . . Art Evans
Stacey, Paul's assistant . . . . . . Kerri Green
Connie, Paul's assistant . . . . . . Meagen Fay
Warren, Paul's editor/cameraman . . Steven Wright

Maggie Conway, neighbour in 11-C . . Judy Geeson
Hal Conway, Maggie's husband . . . . Paxton Whitehead
Eddie, the doorman . . . . . . . . . Lou Cutell

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1.1 Romantic Improvisations [Premiere]

Paul and Jamie Buchman are newlyweds adjusting to life together
in Manhattan. In the series opener, their scheduled evening alone
goes awry as each assumes the other had cancelled their dinner
engagement with friends.

Written by: Danny Jacobson and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Jamie snoring.
Expressions: "Hello?" and "There's people out there!"
Keys: 5 months after the wedding, 5 days without sex, the
first lie, William Devane or Willem DaFoe, soup or bisque,
lasagne at 7, forgetting ice in the cab, the Abbott and
Costello of liars, the baking sound, the work whistle,
the Eames chair, the magnet in the cloth, and the
not-so-king-sized kitchen table.
Lisa, Selby, Fran and Mark make their collective debut.
Murray makes his debut (Smiley).

- Paul: "What could you possibly have in your nose I don't have?"
Jamie: [waking up] "Oh, was I snoring?"
Paul: "I can't believe you're alive."
- Jamie: "Will you run the shower and make the coffee?
[pause] I think I'm pregnant.
[Paul sits up] Just kidding... make the coffee."
- Jamie: "Fran, Paul and I need a second."
Fran: "Oh, are you okay?" [to Paul] "Is everything all right?"
[to both] "Can I help?"
- Paul: "Look, there's always going to be stuff... I put up
with your crap and you put up with my crap."
Jamie: "That's marriage?"
Paul: "This is what I'm thinking!"


1.2 Sofa's Choice

To Paul, a couch by any other name is not a couch, especially if
it is a divan, a settee, or worse, a love-seat. Jamie is determined
that their first major purchase be jointly made and when dragged to
the department store, Paul manages to hyperventilate.

Written by: Danny Jacobson and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Jamie switching sides in bed.
Word: Slacks.
Keys: Measuring tapes and guns, toaster with faulty crumb-tray,
week 3 of the big quest, big cookies and toasted sandwiches
(like ambrosia, but with cheese), musk in the eye, about
saying no, Tea-dipped Irish Linen, or going antique, the
mocking couch, gal talk and guy talk, sporting Cretan briefs
or cavorting in stirrups, dressing like a manic-depressive
Psych Professor.
Murray makes his second debut (Maui).

- Paul: "Come here sweatheart, let me explain something. And
you should really jot this down because this is very
important -- EVERYTHING in the world takes 4 hours..."
- Jamie: "This will look good on you."
Fran: "Yah, it'll fit great if I can take my ass off."
- Paul: "You know Mark, this is time you never get back.
I mean there are only X number of Saturdays left and
I'm spending this one, sitting on a love-seat holding
a pocketbook."
Mark: [pointing at the purse] "Got an emery board in there?"
Paul: "I'd like to punch you in the head."
Mark: "I've got this piece of nail..."
Paul: "BITE IT OFF! Be a MAN!"

Guest Characters:
Barry's mother . . . . . . . . . . Estelle Harris
Phillip, the salesman . . . . . . Richard Roat
Saleslady . . . . . . . . . . . . Jodi Carlisle


1.3 Sunday Times

Sunday, quiet Sunday, with nothing to do except decide what to do,
but to do so quickly: see a movie, take in a parade or get to the
museum, before other folks's Sundays intrude.

Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: From the Sunday paper: Helen Hayes broke her foot.
Word: Wilding.
Keys: A dream about potato chips and the Weather Channel, a rock
or a pumice stone, Lisa's unreliable hands, cassoulet and
cumin, gelling or clotting, Will Rogers' Follies, Ira's band,
Fung Wei or Fung you, Stanley Kahn's obituary, the Belgian
Film Festival, Amish quilts, 86 minutes in all, the Gay Pride
parade, Chelsea 10K race (where Selby pulls a Rosie Ruiz).

- Lisa: "Who is this guy Kelly and why does he need all
these girls?"
Paul: [walking in] "Look at this.. 'Body parts found in
Jersey!' Ech!"
Lisa: "Wow! Wonder if it's anyone I know."
- Jamie: "I used to be out there all the time. I frizzed my
hair, I wore hats, I slept with artists ... once ...
commercial ... still!"
Paul: "... What kind of hats?"
Jamie: "All kinds, big funky hats, little funky hats,
I wore hats!"
Paul: "I've NEVER seen you in a hat."
Jamie: "Ya, I guess those days are gone!"
- Jamie: "Sorry about dinner."
Paul: "It was an effort."
Jamie: "Thank you..."
Paul: "I mean, to eat it, was an effort."


1.4 Out of the Past

News of his ex-girlfriend first fills Paul with excitement, followed
by guilt, culminating in blithering idiocy after he invites Jamie to
Riff's to meet her, and Jamie accepts.

Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Rushing out of the apartment in the morning.
Keys: Don Ho, Scorsese and Hitch (who used to be thin),
a snip or two short of greatness, scurrying squirrels
and stalking rats, being less eligible, Murray's panting
choice, 1975 sideburns, smelling hair that flows, wearing
cologne, Regional Account Manager or Regional VP, getting
one's bearings, the poor girl's french fries, omelettes
and souvlaki, the talk at the bar.
Ike and Stacey make their debut. Riff's makes its debut.

- Selby: "Stace!"
Stacey: "Selb!"
- Jamie: "So who was she?"
Paul: "She.. You've got to know every little thing?
She's... If I tell you everything now, then we can
have nothing left to talk about when we're old."
- Jamie: "You're so blind! She was threatened."
Paul: "She was?"
Jamie: "Come on, she has this thing with you in college,
she comes to meet you for a drink and you bring along
your beautiful wife. What do you think?"
Paul: "I like how you can soothe me and get in a
plug for yourself."

Guest Characters:
Lynne Stoddard . . . . . . . . . . Lisa Edelstein
Ike, Paul's editor . . . . . . . . Art Evans
Stacey, Paul's assistant . . . . . Kerri Green
Audrey, who slaps Selby . . . . . Sarah Partridge
Waiter at Riff's . . . . . . . . . Jack Kenny


1.5 Paul in the Family

An unexpectedly long visit by Jamie's parents turns her into
a raving lunatic who bribes Lisa with cold cash and cab-fare
into sharing the experience. And Lisa delivers.

Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBenedictis
Directed by: Paul Lazarus
Tease: Paul ordering New York style pizza.
Keys: Peanut and Sweet Pea, finding a great parking spot,
about returning the gravy boat, pate and little cheeses,
water with a splash of J&B (and a curled lemon-twist),
blue couch or new couch, Arnold the Congressman, using
a butter-knife, or a lathe, the new grill, the 10-minute
clog, Canada's best: bacon, hockey and pipes, Lisa and
Jamie in sisters' duet.
Theresa and Gus Stemple make their debut.

- Jamie: "Why aren't you wearing the yellow shirt my mom gave you?"
Paul: "Because I like this shirt, and I'm saving the yellow
one for when I'm lost at sea."
- Gus: "She's so skinny. You don't have that bulimia thing
again, do you?"
Lisa: "NO! And if I did, which I don't, I wouldn't tell you
because I wouldn't realize it, that's the way it works."
- Jamie: "I'm 30 years old, I'm married, I've a home.
How come my parents can still push all my buttons?"
Paul: "That's easy, they installed 'em."

Guest Characters:
Gus Stemple, Jamie's father . . . Paul Dooley
Theresa Stemple, Jamie's mother . Nancy Dussault


1.6 I'm Just So Happy For You

Paul's film about Yankee Stadium is rejected by PBS the same day
Jamie snags a major advertising account, turning her celebratory
bash into a defeat party.

Written by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease and Tag: Excerpts from Paul's documentary featuring
the peanut vendor at Yankee Stadium.
Keys: The House that Ruth (Gordon) built, to relate publicly,
the rumor that George Steinbrenner is nice, the Toyota
Camarary (NUTS-1), "Get your peanuts here!" in one word,
the Muffin Man song, Rick the assistant-in-law, flowers
and champagne one way, Maalox and Tylenol the other way,
with Haagen-Daz to go either way, Ruben for lunch,
making crushed ice from scratch, stairmaster for new
office, Pretentious Boring.. Snobs (PBS) -- "Let 'em
keep their lousy tote bag!"
Ryan Devanow makes his debut.

- Paul: "So you know everything that your wife does at work,
right?"
Ike: "I know enough to fake it! You don't even know
that much!"
- Mark: "She's a moghul! .. This is so fantastic, I mean the
thing is, that Fran spent 3 years trying to land that
account, 3 years and NOTHING! And then BOOM! Jamie
walks us in and BINGO! And the ironic thing is, Jamie
used to be Fran's assistant and then..."
Fran: "Schnookie! Get me a drink!"
Mark: [deflated] "What do you feel like?"
Fran: "Anything... just GO!"
- Selby: "There's a gynecologist limboing in your livingroom."
Jamie: "We're celebrating. I got the big account I was
working on."
Selby: "COMPUTRON? [Jamie gives Paul a look] All right!
[to Paul] How come you didn't tell me about this?
[to Jamie] How big a bonus are we talking about here?"
- Selby: "We should really go out and celebrate tomorrow."
Lisa: "How about lunch?"
Jamie: "The Russian Tea Room?"
Selby: "I don't want to have tea for lunch."
Lisa: "They have food, Selby. Ya, it's a big fancy restaurant."
Selby: "Gotta wear a tie?"
Jamie: "They'll give you one."
Selby: "Cool!"
- Jamie: "When I was single, I got to be happy whenever I was
happy. I guess now I get to be happy only during
that subset of times when you're happy too."
- Vacky: [in the film] "Lou Gehrig's wife came to every game.
He was the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
Paul: "Nah... second luckiest."

Supporting Cast: Ike and Stacey (their final appearance).
Guest Character:
Vacky, the vendor . . . . . . . . . Phil Leeds
Ryan, Fran and Mark's son . . . . . Spencer Klein


1.7 Token Friend

Paul is suddenly reluctant to use the subway because a former fellow
film school student turns up as the token clerk at his station.

Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Paul Lazarus
Tease: Paul stacking, arranging, aligning, adjusting change.
Word: Thwarting.
Keys: VIP seats with back-tent passes, the clown cavalcade
or geek parade, goat or unicorn, Flexo the Fabulous,
Mark with Murray as Cujo, Paul's beady eyes, Hunter's
Point and South Bronx (Hunt's Point), seven times $1.25,
the track fire, honest announcements, Raul the supervisor,
producer of "Tunnel of Hate," English subtitles for the
Japanese and Japanese ones for the English spoken by the
visiting Japanese businessmen ("We own the show!")
The Buchmans' Wedding song identified as: "Color My World"

- Paul: "These babies are center ring, front row! Y'know, that
doubles your chances of being picked for the train."
Jamie: "We talked about this last time... if you're taller
than the dwarfs, they probably won't pick you."
- Jamie: "Stop acting like a child! Do you want to miss
the circus?"
Paul: "No."
Jamie: "So?"
Paul: "So.. buy the tokens!"
Jamie: "The guy probably isn't here, and even if he is,
what's the big deal?"
Paul: "Is this a huge thing I'm asking you to do?
Love, honor and buy the tokens?"

Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Howie Balinger . . . . . . . . . . Steve Buscemi
Sarcastic man . . . . . . . . . . Michael Goldfinger
Woman asking directions . . . . . Elizabeth Norment
Out-of-towner (with wife) . . . . Steven M. Porter
Japanese businessmen . . . . . . . Yoshio Be, Toshi Toda


1.8 The Apartment

Planning their last Will and Testament together brings up the
subject of Paul's old bachelor pad, which he is now sublets,
but Jamie would rather he let go of the past and surrender
the lease to its current tenant.

Written by: Danny Jacobson and Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Paul being run over by a loopy bike messenger.
Keys: Pulling the plug, on being cremated or burial at sea,
Power of attorney (and the couch) for Lisa, dispute over the
stereo system, the Florsheim shoebox, the tossed-out jersey,
uniform anatomical gift act, cheating death on a slab at
Columbia (or at NYU), interrupted Bugs Kisses, memories of
a microwave clambake, rent-controlled apartment for a Cuban
cigar, cryonics - the big chill.

- Paul: "I don't need an out, I don't want an out, I want in!"
Jamie: "Not tonight!"
- Jamie: "I told you, I'm being cremated. I can't believe you
don't want to come with me."
Paul: "Hey, don't take it personally. I told you I don't want
to die, period!"
Jamie: "So we're breaking up?"
Paul: "I guess so... You're off to the furnace, I'm off to the
freezer."

Guest Characters:
Uncle Jules . . . . . . . . . . . . Al Ruscio
Kramer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Richards


1.9 Riding Backwards

On a trip to Connecticut to spend Thanksgiving with Jamie's parents,
Paul and Jamie are doing fine, Mark and Fran begin to fight, while
Selby and Lisa are just friends. But on the return journey, the
converse is true.

Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tag: Jamie's Cello recital (76 Trombone).
Keys: The night before Thanksgiving, not riding backwards,
but entirely without Ruth, Mark's sister, Lisa's new
boyfriend (for $50), the Veal Chop story (third date),
Hiawatha's poem, the wishbone, non-invitation to golf,
FedEx'ed turkey and jello, story of First Thanksgiving.

- Paul: "What was that?"
Jamie: "Nothing. Just told her we needed some private time
since we were going up for your mother's funeral.
Always works."
Paul: "Why is it my mother?"
Jamie: "I don't know, I wanted the leg-room, I had to kill
somebody, she came to mind."
- Conductor: "Have a Hap-py Ho-li-day!"
Paul: "Easy for you to say."
Conductor: "It's my jo-b..."

Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Train Conductor . . . . . . . . . Michael Eugene Fairman
Woman passenger . . . . . . . . . Carol Ann Sasi


1.10 Neighbors from Hell

The Buchmans get off on the wrong foot with the neighbours across
the hall and each subsequent step to improve relations only makes
matters worse.

Written by: Paul Reiser and Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Dennis Erdman
Tag: Jamie conducting an imaginary conversation
to impress the Conways.
Words: Wonky, icky.
Keys: Industrial-strength facial, back-tie benefit at the Aquarium,
Lefty the lobster, not dressed for fish, only you, me, pizza,
pineapple topping, mutual midnight massage, the pie mixup,
teaching Diplomacy in New York, scruffy little scottie mutt,
being knocked-out cold, Argyll snake, chapeau of knickers,
on being peculiar, five excellent cheeses, Opera at the Met
(Die Valkyrie -- long, loud and boring), Murray and Sophie
make nice.
Maggie and Hal Conway make their debut.

- Maggie: "We hear you through the walls sometimes."
Jamie: "Oh-my-God!"
Hal: "That's her!"
- Jamie: "How can somebody not like me?"
Paul: "Hey... you're asking the wrong guy."
Jamie: "Play with me..."
Paul: [loud enough to be heard through the wall]
"We can't, honey! We have Bastille Day with Jerry Lewis!"

Guest Characters:
Maggie Conway . . . . . . . . . . Judy Geeson
Hal Conway . . . . . . . . . . . . Paxton Whitehead


1.11 Met Someone

The story of "When Jamie met Paul," that begins with a chance
encounter on a Sunday evening, followed by Paul's hard work to
locate Jamie and then some fast talking to turn that encounter
into a dinner date.

Written by: Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: The hijacking at the West 81st Street news-stand.
Tag: The retelling of the Rose Bowl Story.
Keys: The parents' obituaries, the drycleaning slip, Paul's
10-second date, then the 33-floor search, and on to
the Christmas party at Farrer, Gantz, Mark the third
wheel, Gorbachev and Brosnan, Cheryl and Luann, the
two sisters, on never being with a man, on starting a
cheese, the faxed bio, the Rembrandt moment.

- Jamie: "What did you come up here for then?"
Paul: "Because I figured you needed your clothes for
the holidays."
Jamie: "That was very considerate."
Paul: "Well, y'know, born and raised in New York!"
- Jamie: "Well, what would you do if you were working and
some woman walked in with your drycleaning?"
Paul: "I'd say... Ma! Go away."
- Manny: "Jamie! Have you heard my Rose Bowl story?"
Jamie: "Yes, I have! I told it to my family!"

Guest Characters:
Karen, Paul's date . . . . . . . . Lisa Kudrow
Dana, Selby's date . . . . . . . . Kathryn Spitz
Lester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Arnott
Manny Gantz . . . . . . . . . . . . Wayne Tippitt


1.12 Maid About You

The Buchmans find their new once-a-week maid a big help, but
she is heart-broken that her affection for Mr. Paul isn't
being reciprocated.

Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBenedictis
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Looking for the TV remote control.
Tag: Murray gathering his socks.
Keys: The vicious cleaning cycle, looking like Wayne
Rogers, looking for a grey sock, the threat of a maid,
tasting fresh boar, being a gunner in the Soviet Navy,
Paul's portrait (with chest hair) and his spot, the
Fish-sticks dynasty, fixing the left shoe, the throaty
little catch, looking for the thing.
Last episode featuring Selby (Tommy Hinkley).

- Paul: "You're unbelievable!"
Jamie: "Just one day a week." [sits down on his lap]
Paul: "Then what was the point of discussing this?"
Jamie: "You're right. That was wrong of me."
[kisses him, then leaves, a long pause]
Paul: "What just happened to me here?"
- Fran: "What are you doing?"
Paul: "Standing... in my apartment... in my spot."
Fran: "You have a spot?"
Jamie: "He loves that spot."
Paul: "Doesn't Mark have a spot?"
Fran: "Not that I know of."

Guest Character:
Masha . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Beata Pozniak


1.13 Togetherness

Producer Jamie gets to hire the director for a new spot for the
New York City tourism campaign and she picks Paul so they can work
together, but soon finds out how much togetherness is too much.

Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease and Tag: Playing Monopoly, Jamie's that is, with an
ad lib by Paul at the very end.
Keys: 10 hours and 24 minutes apart, on "The Young and the
Restless," linguini, chicken, broccoli, and certain
spices, looking for what? (cheese), prep work or
goofing off, the look, the I Still Love NY campaign:
excitement, energy, sizzle, codewords: logarithm,
spittoon, Estes Kefauver and paramecium, Woody Allen's
remark, being called sweetie in front of teamsters,
conflicting creative control, Kenny the pig, no Homeless,
Dragon lady, no fire escape, running out of conversation,
talking to the Time-Life operator, a film on Kefauver,
the admission.

- Paul: "We're really going to do this?"
Jamie: "Yup, it's a done deal, as long as you don't screw up
the interview!"
- Jamie: "I missed you this week."
Paul: "We were together every minute."
Jamie: "I know, I didn't have time to think about you...
to miss you... I missed missing you!"

Guest Characters:
Al, the client . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Hardin
The Big Apple . . . . . . . . . . Bill Dunlevy
The Cat . . . . . . . . . . . . . Albert Owens
Stage manager . . . . . . . . . . Ric Edinger


1.14 Weekend Getaway

An escape to the countryside doesn't immediately cure Jamie's
blues, but once it does, she's all for staying on permanently,
making apples, tilling soil, or running a Chinese restaurant.

Written by: Daryl Rowland and Lisa DeBendictis
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Oneupsmanship in story-telling.
Tag: Chinese takeout delivery, NYC to Pine Jct. VT.
Keys: Quiet pants and satin robe, luxury of an ironing
board, taking the bike, not the computer, fooling
Murray, a charming room at the Babcock Inn, Barnaby
Jones on all channels, lighting a real log-fire
(a teepee of twigs inside a log-cabin of wood),
getting red-wine off silk, a Bauhaus Ming vase
(according to Gunther), shed things and compost,
the Polar Bear Swim Club, trying venison, Jamie's
friend: Bruce Roberts, Chairman. ("Oh, you scare me!")

- Paul: "And listen, when you play with his ears, scratch,
but don't tug!"
Lisa: "He complained last time?"
Paul: "He mentioned it."
- Jamie: "This apple-butter is so fresh, do you make it here?"
Ned: "Actually, it is bottled in Brooklyn. A little
taste of home, right here in the country?"
- Paul: "To a woman.. freezing water on a woman's body is
invigorating. To a man, not such a thrill...
bad things happen."
Jamie: "Oh, c'mon honey, they'll come back."

Guest Characters:
Ned, the manager . . . . . . . . . Murphy Dunne
Polar Bear club member . . . . . . Parley Baer


1.15 The Wedding Affair

After unwittingly revealing a secret about a bride to
her father, Paul badgers Jamie into telling him one of
hers, and soon is sorry he did.

Written by: Billy Grundfest and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Selecting ear-rings for the wedding.
Tag: Dancing at the wedding.
Word: Ubiquitous.
Keys: Long ones or short ones, nut pick vs. pasta-maker,
on feeling Italian, Weight-watchers support, being early
and not eating before, not being a bridesmaid, the
just-invented finger food, the optional black-tie and
tuxedo, being mistaken for a waiter, spilling the beans,
finding out a bridesmaid's name (Cheryl), the unknown
couple, Stan Franklin in London.
Ira Buchman makes his debut.

- Jamie: "Come here, look at you! [ties his tie] What?
[pause, smiling] What are you staring at?"
Paul: "I'm admiring a beautiful girl who married me
for some reason."
Jamie: [pause] "All right! Give them the nut-pick!"
- Paul: "So why didn't you tell me 2 years ago?"
Jamie: "If I did, would we be sitting here now?"
Paul: "Yes!"
Jamie: "I'm not so sure."
Paul: "So now we'll never know."
- Paul: "So you're saying it was the toaster?"

Guest Characters:
Miss Grundy, the caterer . . . . . Susan Blommaert
The waiter . . . . . . . . . . . . William Newman
The friendly couple . . . . . . . Neil Vipone and
Annie Abbott
Woman looking for her hat . . . . Laura Waterbury


1.16 Love Among the Tiles

What should a couple do when trapped in their bathroom on
Valentine's Day? Paul and Jamie show the way -- painting
toe-nails, giving mutual facials, and using antacid tablets
as food and more.

Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Getting ready to go to Fran and Mark's party.
Tag: Murray the dog, not the accountant, summoning
help at Fran and Mark's.
Word: Concussed.
Keys: Murray and the bowl, Q-Tips and tweezers, good clothes
building up speed to attack the door, Mrs. McGyver,
Swiss Family Buchmans, the origin of Valentine's Day
(and the candy hearts), forgetting the card, tossing
out wrapped soap, Victoria's big Secret, painting on
a tiny canvas, giving instructions to Murray, the
dependable Lisa, Ryan as Cupid, dunking swabs,
Aloe, lemon, avocado, and the last Tums.

- Paul: "It's a made-up holiday. No one even knows who this
St. Valentine guy is!"
Jamie: "He was a Roman priest who defended the Christians,
and was beheaded by Claudius II on February 14th, 269 AD."
- Paul: "What do you want to do?"
Jamie: "Anything that takes more than 5 minutes."
[a bit later]
Paul: "Okay, so the Earth didn't move."
Jamie: "The bathmat didn't even move."
- Paul: "That's why guys get married, so they can stop wooing.
It's exhausting to woo, you woo, you woo, and you woo,
and then you've got to go: Whoa!"
- Paul: "Come on, you know I love you, right?"
Jamie: "Yes, I know, but once in a while it would be nice
to have a grand romantic gesture..."

Supporting Cast: Ryan Devanow
Guest Characters:
Sam, looking for Stephanie . . . Patrick Warburton
Andrew, Lisa's Valentine . . . . Gregory Paul Martin


1.17 The Billionaire

An extremely energetic and eccentric billionaire wants Paul to make
a film about him. Meanwhile Paul's hires a new editor-cameraman who
is anything but energetic.

Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Tap-dancing at 7:30 in the morning.
Tag: Laborious mangling of Warren's name.
Keys: JL does his thing, getting bagels for the Buchmans,
quelling the jackhammers, Connie doing a soup survey,
a da Vinci from the Pope, Baked Alaska in Alaska, an
autographed Bible, 40 reels of nothing, Luciano's aria,
the tense massuese.
Warren makes his debut, along with Connie and Eddie.

- Paul: "Wow, I see you've worked with CNN. Was it fun?"
Warren: "Look, I didn't come here to be interrogated."
Paul: "Fair enough. You've some fairly impressive
credits here - is it all true?"
Warren: "A lot of it is true."
- Paul: "Y'know, if you let me use the dishwasher, we won't
be having this discussion."
Jamie: "Come on, for two plates..."
Paul: "It's always going to be 2 plates."
Jamie: "Unless we have kids or a party."
Paul: "You really think it is right to bring a child into
this world to use an appliance?"
- Paul: "I can't believe this! The man's bought me
Ringo's drums!"
Warren: "Now they'll never get back together again!"

Guest Characters:
Freddy Stadler . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Lewis
Belden, his assistant . . . . . . Bill Fox
Eddie Mermelman, aka Warren . . . Steven Wright
Connie, Paul's assistant . . . . . Meagen Fay
Eddie, the doorman . . . . . . . . Lou Cutell
Massuese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Donna Pieroni


1.18 The Man Who Said Hello

Paul's father has his 15 minutes of fame following an incident
with Regis Philbin that embarasses Paul, and events progress to
a point that Paul is being viewed by all of New York City as an
over-reactive son.

Written by: Jeffrey Lane and Danny Jacobson
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Paul talking to his (still unseen) mother.
Tag: Excerpt from the sound-track of "Moby."
Word: Rend.
Keys: 1843 people + 6 usherettes at the Theatre Royalle,
ordering at El Greco, cash for Lisa, Jamie's molting
jacket and the Burt shirt, being literally spit on,
Paul's schmeckie in the Post ("It's partly mine!"),
day after day of the Buchman crisis, the grout story,
the substitute Paul, the assembly on stage.
Burt Buchman makes his debut.

- Paul: "He.. you know.. he embarrassed me!"
Jamie: "Well, you embarrass me sometimes."
Paul: "When? When did I embarrass you?"
Jamie: "Pick a day!"
- Paul: "Why don't we just get an unlisted phone?"
Jamie: "Forget it, I already talked to the phone co."
Paul: "And?"
Jamie: "They agree with Burt."

Guest Characters:
Burt Buchman, Paul's father . . . Louis Zorich
Mimi, the hummer . . . . . . . . . Maria Pitillo
Marshall, the producer . . . . . . Phil Lamaar
As themselves . . . . . . . . . . Regis and Joy Philbin


1.19 Swept Away

Jamie thinks that Lisa and her new boyfriend are moving too fast
in their relationship, so when they decide to move in together
after a week's acquiantance, she is unable to stay uninvolved.

Written by: Steve Paymer
Directed by: Linda Day
Tease: Jamie and Paul reviewing their tax deductions.
Words: Actually, willy-nilly.
Expression: "So what?"
Keys: The look: sexy but not slutty, interested but not
desperate ("the Madonna whore thing"), Lisa's new job
(pointing at boats), the Cow and Free Milk expression,
a psychic bond, dish-night at the movies, another tax
deduction ("Pumping Irene"), the gravedigger and the
former boyfriend, being handcuffed to the radiator,
the key that didn't fit, actuary tables, locusts,
losing patience with the Earth, the talk on the
fire-escape, Delia, Amanda and Fiona.

- Jamie: "Will you tell her what men think when girls give
it on the first date?"
Paul: "Yippee?"
- Jamie: "They're finished."
Paul: "They're finished?"
Jamie: "I just had this tremendous desire to smoke a cigarette."
Paul: "Did you just have an orgasm that I don't know about?"
- Jamie: "You do these things without thinking!"
Lisa: "That's right, that's how I live, I just close
my eyes and I leap!"
Jamie: "While I'm running all over town with a net!"
Lisa: "Who's Annette?"
- Lisa: "Okay, you always say you know what I'm feeling.
What am I feeling now?"
Jamie: "I don't know, I've never thought you feel this before."
Lisa: "Ah, ha, ha ... I'm HAPPY!"
Jamie: "Oh-my-God! You are ... How do you like it?"
Lisa: "I don't!"

Guest Characters:
Michael, Lisa's boyfriend . . . . . Charles Shaughnessy
Irwin, the ventriloquist . . . . . James W. Sudik
Woman who hates the quiche . . . . Kayla Carr


1.20 The Spy Who Loved Me

Jamie's new client is a former TV star idolized by Paul
and Ira in their childhood, and as they revert back to
the old ways and compete for star attention, Ira wins big.

Written by: Billy Grundfest and Paul Reiser
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: Paul calling up the TV repairman.
Tag: Ira and Paul reviewing heroines after Spy Girl.
Keys: Wearing turtle-necks, Go-go boots and a bazooka,
Adam West and SCRUM, growing tarragon and whining for
crushed ice, Jamie is Karen, Paul is Larry, and Ira
is Irving, Jamie in Viking helmet, Lisa in Go-Go boots,
Mark's adoration, Ira being used ("that is so cool!"),
the animated Betty.

- Ira: "You're having dinner with Spy Girl?"
Paul: "Better, I'm having dinner with her and you're not."
Jamie: "I'm thinking about camp for you this summer."
- Jamie: "Oh, go on Ira! Shock me! She loved it, couldn't
get enough, I had to hold on for dear life!"
- Mark: "You look as beautiful today as you did back then!
You know what you should do, you should do one of
those exercise videos... or Ibsen!"

Guest Character:
Diane Caldwell . . . . . . . . . . Barbara Feldon


1.21 The Painter

Jamie hires an ex-boyfriend to paint the apartment and is a bit
annoyed when Paul is not concerned by the prospect of her old
flame being alone with her.

Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tease: The painter is coming... Sherwin Williams?
Word: Bounce.
Keys: Sherman's toolbox, the Rambo look (statue with pants),
a snack for Sherman, long walks in the rain, the fish
in Nantucket, comparing belly-buttons, Ira's head
(or the blue ball), the busted door, a great save,
the spur of the moment thing, acting on it, the $7
crock of mustard, the Alien inside you, an attempt at
reconciliation, on being Fran and Mark, the quiet hug.

- Jamie: "Oh my God, you had a jealous fight and he threw you
through the door! Are you all right?"
Paul: "Now why do you assume he would throw me through
the.. why wouldn't I throw him through the door?"
Jamie: "Physics!"
- Mark: "Hello, Room Service? This is Dr. Devanow from
Room 618. Listen, I've got to tell ya, this is
the best club sandwich I've ever had.. [pause]
No, seriously, be..cause, because the bacon was
crisp enough to provide traction so that the tomato
didn't slide... [long pause] Sure, I'll hold!"
- Jamie: "Did you change these sheets?"
Paul: "Believe me!"
Jamie: "A year of marriage and this is what it took
to get you to make the bed?"
Paul: "See? [pause] Life is full of little surprises."
Jamie: "Hold me..."

Guest Character:
Sherman Williams . . . . . . . . . Rick Rossovich


1.22 Happy Anniversary [Season Finale]

At the Buchmans' first anniversary party love blossoms between
Warren and Connie while Paul tries to turn back the clock, but
there is no love lost between the now separated Fran and Mark.

Written by: Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Directed by: Barnet Kellman
Tag: Recreated wedding pictures of shoving the cake.
Word: Gesture.
Keys: The album in the fridge, no talk of Mark, holidays,
music, sunshine or sex, on being happy only 30% of the
time, a slick switch at dining table from Fran to Mark,
recreating the wedding cake: rosettes, ecru and tiers,
the beautiful thing (word), the old Tux, the dress that
still fits, the other woman, or possibly a man, getting
spackled, being obtuse, no battle over Murray, growing
a garden, the kitchen table (again).

- Mark: "Do you know what I'm going to do first?
I'm going to ride cross-country just like they did
in The Easy Rider!"
Paul: "You bought a motor-cycle?"
Mark: "No, a Range Rover. Can't ride a motor-cycle..
I don't have an ass."
- Warren: "I'm not very good at chit-chat."
Connie: [startled] "Me.. me neither."
Warren: [pause] "So where do you work?"
Jamie: [walking by] "Are you sure I can't get you anything
to drink?"
Warren: "When do you have to know by?"
- Fran: "You're late!" [slams the door, then reopens it]
Mark: "I'm sorry. I had a tough delivery. Triplets! It's
like pulling 3 pot-roasts out of a Pringle's can."
Lisa: "Makes me want to have children!"
Mark: [sizing up Jamie] "Say, you look fan..tastic, just
fantastic! [kisses her]
Jamie: "Thanks, go back to your wife! It's so sweet of
you all to come..."
- Mark: "I'm not running, THIS is a rite of passage!"
Fran: "You're such an idiot!" [noises from the kitchen]
"Oh my God! They're at it again."
Lisa: "What is this? Everytime they've a party, they're..."
Mark: "You see? This is wild, this is spontaneous, this is
what I mean! This is what Peter Fonda would do in
The Easy Rider!"
Fran: "Easy Rider. Not THE Easy Rider! Oh my God, if you
can't get the title right, how are you going to
survive out there?"
- Paul: "I can see staring at this face for another 50 years."
Jamie: "Really?"
Paul: "Oh yah, absolutely!"
Jamie: "Even if I get a double-chin?"
Paul: "I'll love both of 'em."
Jamie: "And grey hair ... and wrinkles."
Paul: "Not a problem!"
Jamie: "Even if I've false teeth, a moustache, and I drool?"
Paul: "Why do you have to push? You've always got to push."

Supporting Cast: Warren and Connie,
a David Lynch version of "When Harry Met Sally..."

----------------------------------------------------------------

The Production Team

Created by: Paul Reiser and Danny Jacobson
Executive Producer: Danny Jacobson
Co-Executive Producers: Barnet Kellman, Jeffrey Lane,
Sally Lapiduss and Pamela Eells
Producers: Paul Reiser, Bruce Chevillat
Co-Producer: Steve Paymer
Coordinating Producer: Marjorie Weitzman Biggs
Associate Producer: Craig Knizek
Script Supervisor: Victoria Weisbart
Production Coordinator: Vicki Beck
Costumes: Audrey Tannebaum, Jody Tillen
Art Direction: Bernard Vyzga
Photography: Richard Hissong
Editing: Sheila Amos
Sound Mixing: Peter Damski

Writers: Lisa DeBenedictis, Pamela Eells, Billy Grundfest,
Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Lane, Sally Lapiduss,
Steve Paymer, Paul Reiser and Daryl Rowland.

Directors: Linda Day, Dennis Erdman, Barnet Kellman and
Paul Lazarus.

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Please send in corrections to: [ra...@ultranet.com]

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