Should Bruce live or die?
Bruce A. Johnson
I am a 38 year old man. I receive CPP Disability (Canadian Pension Plan
Disability), and AISH (Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped,
[Alberta, Canada]). They have been my main income for 10 years, along
with a very small income gained in the last two years by helping people
fix their computer problems. No matter how I try, though, I cannot work
for very long without getting stressed out, and suicidal.
I have suffered from depression since the age of eight (30 years), along
with anxiety, stress, and low self esteem. I have never had a girlfriend,
due to being shy (and my low self-esteem), and I have long since given up
on the dream of having a family of my own. I am alone. I also have
problems with my physical health: ulcerative colitis, constant back pain
and problems, sciatica, gastroesophageal reflux (GERD), an inner ear
problem that causes me to be dizzy and nauseous, and a benign brain tumor
which has contributed to migraine headaches.
As a child, I was bullied and picked on. I was taught to be a pacifist,
and ignore those who did me harm. I continue to abhor violence, and I try
to ignore those who do me harm. I've never been a people person.
I grew up in a small town (Hardisty, Alberta). When I finished High
School, I immediately left home, moving to Edmonton, Alberta. I had
planned to change my life, to be everything I wanted to be. I figured
that if I acted outgoing, friendly, and successful, that I would
eventually become that. I was wrong. After a ten years of prentending in
the city, (four of which I gained a BSc. in University), my mind broke. I
had graduated from private suicide attempts, to a public one, which could
not be ignored by others.
My first suicide attempt was when I was 16. I have attempted suicide
innumerable times in the past ten years. It seems that I am more afraid
of the oblivion of death, than of continued life. In the past 5 years,
I've only tried to kill myself once, and that was recently. I am a
coward. I just can't seem to kill myself. This final option is denied
me.
I'm drinking more, to try to obliterate everything. Logically, I know
that alcohol will not help, but for some reason I continue to drink.
Part of me wants to die, but the animal part of me clings to life, despite
my pointless existence. I'm a financial drain on society, and my
depression almost always affects people around me. I'm also a financial
and emotional drain on my family. They would be much better off without
me. Don't bother to automaically deny that. There are just some people
in this world that the world and human society are better off without.
I survive financially through the tax dollars of everyone around me. No
matter what I do, I cannot work consistently enough to earn my own living.
I try to help my community by doing volunteer jobs like garbage picking,
but I know that it is not enough.
My existence is pointless. I cannot work. I have no real friends. I am
unable and undeserving to have a girlfriend, much less than a wife and
family. What do I have to live for? More years of this misery?
What do you think? Should I live or die? Doesn't there come a time when
an animal should be put down, to end it's suffering?
- Bruce A. Johnson in Hardisty, Alberta, Canada
- E-mail: Br...@BruceJohnson.ca
- Web: http://BruceJohnson.ca
- MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/windrider6
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