(:)Women Speak In Estrogen
THE BIG PIG
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Received from Poor Innocent guy High Commander Cylar of Chico, California:
Today's Humor or A(n old Irish drinking toast to boast about:
May the devil make a ladder of your backbone
While he is picking apples in the garden of Hell.
--Old Irish toast
What your children should know!
* Don't pet that dog - it will eat your face off.
* Don't go into the street - a car will run you over and you'll end up
like a banana pancake. That
includes your new shoes.
* Don't forget to wash your hands after playing in the sand - There are
tiny eggs under your
fingernails that get into your mouth and hatch in your belly and then at
night worms crawl out of
your mouth.
* Don't crawl into the refrigerator - There is green stuff on the
leftovers that is growing faster
than you are. By morning it will all break out of the plastic containers and
beat you up.
* Don't touch the knives - You'll cut off your fingers and then you can
say goodbye to things like
ripping off your clothes ,locking yourself in the bathroom and poking the
dessert just before the
guests comes.
* Don't stand around with your fingers in your nose - Other kids will
think you're creepy and
throw sand at you. Also, their parents will wonder where you learned it.
* Don't unbuckle your seat belt - You might get put in prison. You'll have
to celebrate your
birthday with a bunch of murderers, perverts and lawyers.
* Don't bite on that electrical cord - There's fire inside that will blow
up your teeth. you'll never
be able to chew paper or old gum from the sidewalk.
* Don't climb over the balcony railing - You'll flip over the top and die,
then go to a place where
a bunch of other bullheaded kids will hit you on the head with a metal rake
when God's not
looking.
* Don't open the dishwasher - Mommy will have to call a repairman, then
Daddy will die.
* Don't eat those mushrooms in the grass - Remember the king in the Babar
book? He did that,
turned green and died. You hate green.
* Don't drink anything in the store room - It's all poison and we'll have
to take you to the
hospital and they'll put tubes in your stomach and pump everything out. It
will hurt when the
Barbie head comes out.
***
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt
Groening
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girl
friends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she
will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go.
Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he
will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're
a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for
us." This is known as the
"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at
least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females and
function as
adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after
gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art,
while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light
of day. Men are turned
on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from
omen.
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They
just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their
"i's" with circles and
hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and"g's". It is
a royal pain to read a note
from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the
end of the note.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of
Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in
the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys
these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a hot dog. Then
he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then
slip on Reebok
sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When
a woman gets to work,
she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off
because her feet are
under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not
talk about how many
days he'll wear the same socks.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men hit cats
with the broom.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house.
LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the
boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have
hurt." The man
groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing
he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago,
before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweat shirt
inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always
expect to meet
beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of
old American
sitcoms.
EATING OUT: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills,
even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually
admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the
pocket calculators.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women
are ridiculous; they
will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons,
store windows, Joe
Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies
with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys
aviator glasses, a
gold chain, a snazzy French cap, bikini underwear and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping
for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to
send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three
hours.
RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
health club and dates
only married women.
MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose
interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply
become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys:
little miniature TV's.
Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve
cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and
requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.
CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art
equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase
Kodak
Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one
ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge
singer named Ramone.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same
meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes
left. Neither of them
is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great
movie.",
"What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well,
maybe he got it
because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this
problem, try to initiate
conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the
roadside looks
lovely." "Mmhmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't
it?" "Yeah." Pause.
And so on.
FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about
twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos."
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social
lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women
who've never met
will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
***
THE HUSBAND
So here I sit, in all my glory...
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story...
Once had a wife--she was such a dear,
Then came AOL, and it all disappeared!
Now there she sits , for hours on end...
don't care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It could be two, or it could be nine...
she really doesn't care, long as she's online.
She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where the hell's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer--that's all she missed!
Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities--I'm in cyber Hell!!
My stomach's growling--it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!
Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
I'll pick at my teeth while I'm scratching my balls
Farting and burping all while I pee
Can you believe she's there?? She could be with ME!!
=A7=A7=A7
Kewl web sites:)
GRAPHICS
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aol://4344:431.page_pgr.1369532.516864034
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BMP: Beach On Highway 1
aol://4401:4175:1385862
BMP: Painting: Roses In A Basket
aol://4401:2508:7380698
Kaleidoscope
aol://4401:14046:7564674
I came across this web site that I thought that we might be interested in.
It is for a caller ID unit
for your computer. It allows you to use the internet, and at the same time,
if someone is trying to
call you while you are on-line their phone number pops up on your screen.
Pretty cool !!! The
best part about it is that you can download it for free and use it for a 30
day trial period and the
cost is only $3.33 per month.
<<
http://www.internetcallmanager.com/agents//ca= >>
s(ZZ)m
Our Exclusive Society for the Preservation of
Preferentially Gregarious and Magnificent
Chuckleheads and Chucklettes Humor Addicts
Anonymous
(:)PIGS SITE OF THE DAY: Planetary nomenclature--How all things
extraterrestrial get their
names. The Gazetteer of Planetary Nomenclature Of the hundreds of names of
features on
Venus, all but one are named for women.
http://wwwflag.wr.usgs.gov/USGSFlag/Space/nomen/nomen.html
(:)POOR INNOCENT GUY QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Sir, I would anchor a frigate off
each bank
of the river, with strict orders not to stir; and so, by cruising up and
down, put a stop to
smuggling."-Sir Boyle Roche, 18th century M.P. from Tralee and preeminent
word-mangler,
explaining how he would end smuggling on the Shannon River
(from Ross and Kathryn Petras in The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said, Workman
Publishing
Company, 1997)
(:)OINK!
THE BIG PIG
(:)PIGS (Poor Innocent Guys Society)
Dedicated to Poor Innocent Guys (victims of the wiles of women)
and the SLOTHS (Smart Ladies of the House)
who put up with them
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