(:)Southern Insults
THE BIG PIG
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Received from Smart Lady of the House Elsie of North Carolina:
Hello from North Carolina, Big Pig!
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind
of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, ``Bless her heart''
or ``Bless his heart.''
As in, ``Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd
roll around like a BB on a six-lane highway.''
Or, ``Bless her heart, she's so buck-toothed, she could eat an apple through
a picket fence.''
There are also the sneakier ones that I remember from tongue-clucking types
of my childhood:
``You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby seven months
after they got married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds!''
As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that
bad, at least that's what my Great-Aunt Tiny (bless her heart, she was
anything but) used to say.
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling me about
her new Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning
to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and,
bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, so don't even
start, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN
to move south a couple of years ago. ``Can you believe it?'' she said to my
friend. ``A child of mine is going to be taaaallllkkin' a-liiiike
thiiiissss.'' I can think of far worse fates than speaking Southern for
this adorable little boy, who, bless his heart, must surely be the East
Coast king of mucus.
I wish I'd been there. I would have said that she shouldn't fret, because
there is nothing so sweet or pleasing on the ear as a soft, Southern drawl.
Of course, maybe we shouldn't be surprised at her ``carryings on.'' After
all, when you come from a part of the world where ``family silver'' refers
to the large medallion around Uncle Vinnie's neck, you just have to, as aunt
Tiny would say, ``consider the source.''
Now don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless
their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their
recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their
endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here.
The ones who really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to
act almost embarrassed about their speech. It's as if they want to bury it
in the ``Hee Haw'' cornfield. We've already lost too much. I was raised to
swanee, not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I
swanee you don't.
And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right
much," "right close'' or "right good'' because non-natives think this is
right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got
to "carry'' my daughter to the doctor or "cut off''' the light.
That's OK. It's when you have to explain things to people who were born here
that I get mad as a mule eating bumblebees.
Not long ago, I found myself trying to explain to a native Southerner what I
meant by being ``in the short rows.'' I'm used to explaining that expression
(it means you've worked a right smart but you're almost done) to newcomers
to the land of buttermilk and cold collard sandwiches (better than you
think), but to have to explain it to a Southerner was just plain weird.
The most grating example is found in restaurants and stores where nice,
Magnolia-mouthed clerks now say "you guys'' instead of "y'all,'' as their
mamas raised them up to say. I'd sooner wear white shoes in February, drink
unsweetened tea and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke's than utter the words,
"you guys.''
Not long ago, I went to lunch with four women friends, and the waiter, a
nice Southern boy, you-guys-ed all of us within an inch of our lives. "You
guys ready to order? What can I get for you guys? Would you guys like to
keep you guys' forks?'' Lord, have mercy.
It's a little comforting that, at the very same time some natives are so
eager to blend in, they've taken to making microwave grits (an abomination),
the rest of the world is catching on that it's cool to be Clampett.
How else do you explain NASCAR tracks and Krispy Kreme doughnut franchises
springing up like yard onions all over the country?
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness, take
two tent revivals and a dose of redeye gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart.
(:)PIGS Site of the Day: Robert Addie--A fan site for the handsome villain
of Robin of Sherwood has a biography, pictures, fan club, and how you can
meet him.
http://members.tripod.com/~Sorne/Robert_Addie/index.html
(:)PIGS Quote of the Day: "I understand, so the man's name is Jose Vargas,
who is a police officer, who also was an und- We do have the tape? I'm just
at the mercy of the booth. Do we have the tape or not? I'm sorry. Uh, uh,
I-I assume we do have the- We don't have the tape... All right, let me
explain the story again. We'll try it one more time Jose Vargas is a man
who works-we do have the tape. Let's go to the tape... No tape. O.K."-Dave
Lopez, reporter on KCBS-TV, Los Angeles
-from "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" by Ross & Kathryn Petras in Page
A Day Calendar, http://www.page-a-day.com/
(:)PIGS (Poor Innocent Guys Society)
Dedicated to Poor Innocent Guys (victims of the wiles of women)
and the SLOTHS (Smart Ladies of the House)
who put up with them
the_b...@my-deja.com
http://hometown.aol.com/kcds3/webprof/index.htm
http://hometown.aol.com/kcds3/index.html
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etubby
Other examples:
Cement -- Ceement
Defense -- Deefense
Darling -- Darlin'
Tea -- Tay
Let's go -- Y'all come
Getting ready -- Fixin'
Business -- Bidness
Have a little sex -- Get a little booger
Female who is not interested in you -- bull rider (lesbian)
Collar or Skin -- Craw
Liquor -- Moon Shine
African American -- Expletive deleted
Asian American -- Expletive deleted
Jewish -- Expletive deleted
Native American -- Expletive deleted
Northerner or Yankee -- Expletive deleted
Self Assured Female -- Expletive deleted
Liberal -- Expletive deleted
Homosexual -- Expletive deleted
Relative -- First Sexual Experience
Granular Cream of Wheat -- Grits
Short -- Knee High to a Bull Frog
Children -- Chillins
Vince -- Bubba
Science -- Language of the Devil
Cosmopolitan -- Southern Baptist / Pentacostal
Darwin -- Devil's Advocate
Far Away -- Yonder
Bottom Feeders -- Crawfish, Catfish
President -- Preseedent
Bill Clinton -- The Anti-Christ
Education -- Schoolin' (as in fixin to get some schoolin')
"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."
"No dogs, racial slur referring African Americans, or Dogs Allowed, and not
necessarily in that order." (sign seen in bar in Biloxi, Mississippi 1968)
Political Correctness -- Propaganda to make a person act against their
true feelings, and that's a fact.