Texas Expressions I've Run Across on I-10:
As tasty as a lard sandwich and a glass of ice water.
He's all vine and no tomatoes.
If brains were gasoline he wouldn't have enough to ride a
motor scooter around the inside of a doughnut.
All his biscuits ain't done.
So sick I'd have to get better to die.
Too thick to drink and too wet to plow.
That really chaps my gizzard.
If wishes were fishes we'd all have a fry.
So dry the trees were hunting dogs.
The devil owed him a debt and paid him in son-in-laws.
He got the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Two days older than God.
Hidden in the basement like a crazy aunt.
Handy as hip pockets on a hog.
All hat and no cattle.
Dumber than dirt.
Older than two trees.
If ya' cain't run with the big dogs...stay on the porch.
Like a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.
Like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Tighter than bark on a tree.
Like ugly on an ape.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Ugly as a mud fence.
Crooked as a dog's hind leg.
Like a gnat in a hailstorm.
Dumb as a box of hammers.
Beat him like a rented mule.
She could talk the legs off a chair.
He's all hat and no horse.
She said that he's all cattle and no prod.
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
He's so busy, you'd think he was twins.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo craps.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
Cold as a cast iron commode.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
Ugly? Why she's so ugly that she needs to sneak up
on a glass of water else the glass breaks.
Confused as a goat on astro-turf.
So ugly that his mama takes him everywhere she goes
so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.
Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.
So buck-toothed that he could eat corn-on-the-cob
through a picket fence.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a fly.