The Last Interview
bob
The Last Interview
BYLINE: By GAIL COLLINS
BODY:
After the Revolutionary War, our Founding Fathers made quick work of
disenfranchising our founding mothers. Except in New Jersey, which for some
reason decided to throw open the doors and give every free citizen a ballot.
In 1794, 75 women voted in a state legislative election between John Condict
of Newark and William Crane of Elizabeth. It appears almost all of them
voted for Crane. Condict won anyway, then went off to Trenton to
successfully sponsor legislation restricting the vote to white males.
It took a long time to nail down the right to vote, and we might as well
enjoy the experience. True, we have been through a long, hard campaign in
which every candidate wound up looking like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining."
But whoever wins will clean up nicely by the inauguration. Cast that ballot.
And give us a smile.
I know, I know. Anybody who's just made it through several paragraphs about
an election in New Jersey in 1794 does not need to be reminded to go to the
polls. What was I thinking? Feel free to ask questions.
Do you want to pick a winner in this election?
Grover Cleveland. Hardly a day goes by when we do not feel compelled to drop
his name. A man who won the popular vote in 1888 and lost the Electoral
College! A man who won the electoral college in 1884, just because his
opponent had a really, really bad week right before the election! Not to
mention the sex scandal and the draft dodging and the early history of heavy
drinking. In the end, everything is about Grover Cleveland.
Do you want to pick a loser?
I have hopes that this election will mark the end of the presidential
tracking poll. And we're getting pretty tired of the undecided voter, now
that you mention it.
I'm getting into this Electoral College thing. Is it true that there could
actually be a tie?
Yes, and then the election goes to the House, with each state getting one
vote. The last time that happened, the whole thing came down to New York,
and New York came down to one swing voter, a rather befuddled aristocrat.
Legend has it that he saw a piece of paper on the floor with John Quincy
Adams's name on it, and took it as a sign from God. Littering won the
presidency.
So John Quincy Adams won?
Yes, John Adams's son. And Benjamin Harrison, the grandson of William Henry,
was the guy who beat Grover Cleveland in 1888. Has anybody ever noticed that
when the direct descendant of a president runs for the White House,
something weird happens?
Have you ever seen an election where people were less enthusiastic about the
candidates?
Oh, please. This happens every time. Does anybody remember Bush vs. Dukakis?
How about the youth vote? The youth definitely do not feel they have
anything at stake in this election.
Up to them. By the time global warming kicks in, I'll be too old to notice.
Since you're feeling so positive, tell me something good about the New York
Senate race.
New York tradition requires that the last couple of weeks of a Senate race
be filled with shrill invective over ridiculous issues. Hillary Rodham
Clinton and Rick Lazio have risen to the challenge and are fighting about
terrorism and breast cancer. In-depth research suggests they are against
both. No matter what you may be hearing.
I was feeling sort of not too worried about Bush, and then he said the thing
about Social Security not being a federal program. Should I consider moving
to another country?
I believe Alec Baldwin once said something along that line, and he has been
tortured ever since by people demanding that he go. You want to be careful
about that stuff.
Do you think he really doesn't know Social Security is a federal program, or
was it some sort of Freudian slip?
You don't want to pay much attention to anything people say in the week
before the election. They aren't getting any sleep and they have to keep
returning for one more rally in Des Moines and Flint and Wilkes-Barre. They
would probably be doing much better if Hawaii were a swing state.
Tell me one last positive thing about this election.
It's close, it's exciting. Both of the candidates appear to be in their
right minds. Neither is an accused war criminal. Many countries have done
worse.
LOAD-DATE: November 7, 2000