Options regarding disruption (long)
Bruce Jacobs
be a taboo subject: What happens and what is the process of adoption
disruption?
When this subject is posted to a group, it always seems to degenerate
into a discussion of how parents who disrupt are evil/not evil. We do
not want that to happen here. The intent here in this house is not to
throw away a child, but to get him the services he needs.
He is almost 15 years old. He has been with us since the start of
kindergarten. He has always had some problems but it has been getting
rapidly worse. We did some research and had some training before we
adopted. Yes, we were lied to and that has contributed to the
problems. Had we known upfront what we were getting into, it would
have been clear that this child was beyond our skills… but that is
water under the bridge at this point. (Fire, purposeful death of a pet
and other issues were covered up).
We have been doing counseling of various types for many years now and
he has not made any real progress. We have the alphabet soup of
diagnoses. However, it is clear that he probably has RAD, some
strange form of Bi-Polar, as well as something they have not seen
before or at least is not currently treatable. He has been
recommended for residential treatment, but it will probably not be
approved. It seems that in this state if you go to school, don't take
drugs, and don't get pregnant, you do not need treatment. Being
arrested for assault and spending a night in jail does not count. For
that matter, neither does extortion or three suspensions in a single
month at school.
Even if he does get approved for treatment, it will only be for a max
of 120 days. He will then be sent home regardless of whether or not
he has made progress and whether or not he is a danger to us.
We have had theft, assault, fire starting, sexual abuse (strange
non-contact stuff), playing with electricity and water at the same
time, vandalism with knifes, rages where objects are hit with bare
hands and fly into pieces across the room, etc. He will eventually hit
something solid and break the bones in his hands. He weighs 30 pounds
more than I did when I graduated from college and it is mostly muscle.
He has an irrational hatred of women and does not understand logical
consequences. Every thing that happens which he doesn't like, he
blames on amother.
We do not want to be out of his life but can not get the services he
needs at this time. When he is in respite, it is at a group home and
he does very well in that setting. This may also be because of the
short duration of the stay. Personal insurance will not help much if
we go it alone. There are limits. And they like to point to
preexisting conditions.
Services in this state are strange. He was given two weeks of
hospitalization this summer. He spent two weeks in an outpatient drug
treatment program. I think because they had the budget for it. They
misled us about what was happening. (He has never taken illegal
drugs.)
We have some steps yet to go through yet. He is not doing his
probation for the assault, so that may get him some extra help. We
may get a lawyer involved again. None of therapists has seen someone
like him before. He is in both the developmentally delayed special ed
and the honors/gifted program at school.
We are looking mostly for experiences of disrupted adoptions.
Suggestions would also be welcomed. Please do not attack us. I can
get that anytime I want, thank you very much.
res1az2t
"Bruce Jacobs" <jaco...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:40ae1e07.02120...@posting.google.com...
> We have been looking for a few days for information on what appears to
> be a taboo subject: What happens and what is the process of adoption
> disruption?
>
> When this subject is posted to a group, it always seems to degenerate
> into a discussion of how parents who disrupt are evil/not evil. We do
> not want that to happen here. The intent here in this house is not to
> throw away a child, but to get him the services he needs.
>
> He is almost 15 years old. He has been with us since the start of
> kindergarten. He has always had some problems but it has been getting
> rapidly worse. We did some research and had some training before we
> adopted. Yes, we were lied to and that has contributed to the
> problems. Had we known upfront what we were getting into, it would
What state are you in?
Res
L. Anne Babb
> be a taboo subject: What happens and what is the process of adoption
> We are looking mostly for experiences of disrupted adoptions.
> Suggestions would also be welcomed. Please do not attack us. I can
> get that anytime I want, thank you very much.
FWIW, there's a chapter on alternatives when a child can't live at home any
more in my book, Adopting and Advocating for the Special Needs Child (Bergin
& Garvey, 1997). You rarely see this subject discussed in the literature,
much less publicly, mostly for the reasons you give. No adoptive parent
wants to be attacked at a time when they are suffering the final throes of a
parent-child breakdown. And to clarify terminology, dissolution of an
adoption occurs after it has been finalized; disruption is the term used
when the adoption has not been finalized in court. Sounds like you are
talking about dissolution of an adoption.
I have some comments and some things I've learned over the years as a
veteran adoptive parent and Ph.D. psychologist. You can take what you like
and leave the rest.
(1) Consider any alternative to dissolving your adoption when the child is
unlikely to be adopted again. Every child needs parents. As Foster Cline
says, if our unattached kids aren't dead or in prison by age 30, you're a
success as an adoptive parent. We can hope for a real relationship with our
troubled adopted kids after that. You have another 15 years to go before you
discover the truth--your kid does need you; he does love you somewhere deep
inside; he always needs a home to come back to; and his rage needs to be
contained by parents who will love him no matter what. He didn't get that
from any other family; are you going to get in line with the others and give
up on this kid?
(2) Your home is not a hospital, so your murderous, out-of-control child
does need to be outside the home. You can't parent him well at all if you
are full of depression, grief, anger and despair yourself. He needs help,
and so do you. But how to get him out of the home? The alternatives to
adoption dissolution are:
(a) handing custody over to the State and paying child support; (b) whatever
limited treatment is available, and then refusing to allow the child back
into your home and forcing the specialized foster care issue with the State;
(c) Boys Town in Nebraska, or a similar setting which will get your son
graduated and do a great job teaching him how to respond properly to parent
figures without all the drama associated, in unattached kids, with real
parents.
When the State places a kid, the State is responsible for him forever in
some way; you came along to help the State, not to be abandoned by them.
Birth parents give up their kids every day, and no one refuses to take their
kids. Adoptive parents in crisis need the same consideration. Demand
services from the State. Refuse to do this alone.
(3) Think about what made you adopt in the first place. Think about it some
more. Then put yourself in that kid's place. While there are some people so
damaged and full of self-hatred or mental illness that they can love no one,
chances are that your kid is not one of them. He needs parents, even if they
are only parents who are figureheads, who send a care package at Christmas,
who remember the birthday card every year. Instead of being
outcome-motivated, be principle motivated. If your son soaked up all your
love and returned it, you'd be saying that his adoption was a great idea.
When he hates you and acts out, you decide it is a failure. In reality,
you've doubtless done an exceptionally good job with an exceptionally angry,
hurt kid. If you abandon him it will give him the final permission he needs
to abandon himself. Find some more strength inside you and get him out of
your home and into another setting, and keep him there til he is old enough
to be a legal adult. He may end up hospitalized or imprisoned, but he will
still have parents who stuck with him.
But, sometimes dissolution or disruption is necessary. If you believe this
is the case, then you pick up the phone, call the State child welfare
office, and you get an attorney and you start proceedings to have your
parental rights terminated. You get all your records and witnesses together,
and you ask a judge to relieve you of your responsibility. The rub is that
many judges nationwide will no longer let adoptive parents dissolve a
10-year-old adoption of a kid who is already nearly out of adolescence. They
say the kid needs parents, and you will pay child support and continue to be
those parents. So, if you never got adoption assistance payments, you had
better get some lined up so the State can step in and contribute their help,
because you'll need it. If you do manage to get the adoption dissolved, this
kid will not be adopted again, probably, so he will always carry your last
name. He will probably never get over the abandonment, either. In one year
he could be emancipated; in three he will be a legal adult, just some things
to think about.
You didn't ask for advice on what to do, but I would say for you to stick
with this child. I have been in your shoes on a number of kids, all with
different outcomes. Some were foster-adopt situations that didn't work, some
were foster kids, and more than once we have wondered if one of our adopted
kids who has been traumatized before coming to us would really make it in
our family. A friend of mine once told me not to worry about my runaway
teenager, because "they always come back; they never stop needing parents."
This turned out to be true, and now my former problem child is one of my
best friends--stable, delightful, a great parent now. I pat myself on the
back all the time for adopting this kid, but I can assure you I have had
hundreds of moments of the bleakest despair in which I wondered if I had
been crazy to believe in this kid. It's trite, but true: this, too, will
pass. Probably.
Get your kid in the system and demand help. You didn't create the problem by
yourself and you can't cure it by yourself.
Hang in there,
Anne
helicon
serious problems. Without a shadow of a doubt your son needs professional
help to find the source of his rage and hurt. The family needs professional
help too, to learn how to cope with all of this.
Before you proceed with disruption of the adoption, which is a terribly
final thing to do, and one that no doubt your son is expecting because it
will reinforce his feelings of self-loathing etc., I hope you can give it
another chance to work.
Have you ever had any dealings with Family Connections? Address is 350
Cambridge Street, Cambridge MA 02141, www.kinnect.org, e-mail
kin...@gis.net, phone (800) kinnect.
I would highly recommend getting in touch with them, telling them exactly
what you have written here, and ask for their advice. They may have someone
near to where you live. They will definitely be able to steer you along a
path where you can get *suitable* counselling for your son and yourselves.
It is vitally important that this counselling is with someone well-versed in
all aspects of adoption matters - that they know exactly how it is that
early separation and disruption can virtually destroy a person's self-esteem
and sense of identity.
You could get in touch with PNPIC - on the face of it you might not think
that they would be interested in helping you, but they will probably have
very good advice for you. The people to speak to if you can are Thais Tepper
and lois Hannon (Directors) Phone (724) 222-1766, Fax number: (770) 979
3140, e-mail PN...@aol.com and th...@mylynk.com
Sherman Specialty Company, Inc., PO Box 401 Merrick, New York, NY 11566
Phone 1-800-645-6513 (inexpensive behavior management reinforcers) I really
have no idea about them, but they were mentioned in a book written by Dr Ron
Federici - Help for the hopeless child.
If your son was placed for adoption when he was already at kindergarten
stage, then he most certainly has a 'history'. Do you know what happened to
him, and where he was before he came to your family? How many moves did he
have? Was he physically or sexually abused? Did he lose siblings as well as
birth parents? Do you know any of his *true* history as opposed to social
worker notes?
Have you any experience of parenting an adolescent - particularly a *boy* -
before now? You DO realise that for the years 13 - 19+ they are a breed
apart, creatures understood only by their peers?
:-) Are you aware that the teenage 'hopping hormones' create havoc in
everyone's lives, as well as the life of those who 'own' the hormones? :-)
The best of luck - I hope disruption or dissolution of the adoption can be
averted.
Helen
"Bruce Jacobs" <jaco...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:40ae1e07.02120...@posting.google.com...
> We have been looking for a few days for information on what appears to
> be a taboo subject: What happens and what is the process of adoption
> disruption?
>
> When this subject is posted to a group, it always seems to degenerate
> into a discussion of how parents who disrupt are evil/not evil. We do
> not want that to happen here. The intent here in this house is not to
> throw away a child, but to get him the services he needs.
>
> He is almost 15 years old. He has been with us since the start of
> kindergarten. He has always had some problems but it has been getting
> rapidly worse. We did some research and had some training before we
> adopted. Yes, we were lied to and that has contributed to the
> problems. Had we known upfront what we were getting into, it would
> have been clear that this child was beyond our skills. but that is
helicon
Great post Anne - if I had seen your reply in time I wouldn't have sent my
own two-pence worth. :-) I was going to suggest your book - as I have
*often* recommended it here - but simply ran out of steam - it's just after
3 a.m. here!
Helen
"L. Anne Babb" <anne...@cox.net> wrote in message
news:4ORI9.21623$JE....@news1.central.cox.net...
Bruce Jacobs
>
> What state are you in?
>
> Res
We are in AZ.
LilMtnCbn
>From: jaco...@aol.com (Bruce Jacobs)
>Date: 12/8/02 8:29 PM Mountain Standard Time
>Message-id: <40ae1e07.02120...@posting.google.com>
I can't add more to what Anne and Helen so excellently said, but here is an
option you might want to check out.
http://www.coloradoboysranch.org/
My dad, before he passed away, spent many years raising money for this
worthwhile organization.
helicon
"LilMtnCbn" <lilm...@aol.comnospam> wrote in message
news:20021209090702...@mb-fn.aol.com...
It sounds like a wonderful place. It might indeed be a good option for
Bruce's son.
Helen
L. Anne Babb
news:7NTI9.33918$zX3....@news.indigo.ie...
> Great post Anne - if I had seen your reply in time I wouldn't have sent my
> own two-pence worth. :-) I was going to suggest your book - as I have
> *often* recommended it here - but simply ran out of steam - it's just
after
> 3 a.m. here!
> Helen
Thanks, Helen, but I was just reading your response and thinking, "Wow, this
is great!" Nobody can cover it all in one response, and you certainly gave
this family some excellent resources.
WTG,
Anne
Julia
wrote:
Brilliant post Anne, and one I am going to put aside and hang on to.
I know several families having a tough time with damaged kids and I
have been in the depths of despair occasionally myself, so it is great
to read from a professional who has actually walked the walk.
Julia
L. Anne Babb
news:3df5c41a...@news.dodo.com.au...
You're making me blush. I not only have walked the walk, I'm still stumbling
along. I've read a couple of places lately that many kids adopted at older
ages or after much trauma or loss are 30 before they really start having
healthy relationships with their adoptive parents, or anyone else for that
matter. I have seen that it really does take longer for our wounded kids to
get through the pain, and sometimes all we can do is wait for them and keep
reaffirming our love and commitment.
I won't say there's not a time for dissolution or disruption of an adoption:
there certainly is. A family is not a hospital, and bad social work (or
adoptive parent insanity) can lead to a poor match and the need for a
subsequent adoption. Some of my kids had earlier placements disrupt or
dissolve, yet went on to do great in our family. It's kind of like marriage
in that way.
Anne
helicon
Me too.
so it is great
> to read from a professional who has actually walked the walk.
Such people are hard to find when you need them.
Many professionals are experts in dealing with ordinary - traditional -
areas of dysfunction or trauma, but most are unfamiliar with the special
needs of the 'hurt' adopted child.
Unless they recognise and acknowledge the degree of pain and suffering
experienced by some adopted children their input will be next to useless,
and in fact may only make things worse, once again leaving the child and the
parents high and dry.
Helen
>
> Julia
Bruce Jacobs
moment.
A few answers, with an update at the end.
Yes, we know what his background was. Far as we know, he was normal
size and weight at birth, but only 18 pounds at 18 months. (He had
doubled this weight to 36 pounds by the time he moved in with us at
kindergarten.) He was in 4 placements after he was taken away from
birthmom. Two were short term foster, one was "related", the other was
a regular foster placement. Abuse happened under birthmom and final
foster placement, including sexual, physical and psychological.
(Relation placement disrupted because of a very violent fight between
the adults of the household.) Birthmom had the usual problems that
our kids tend to have (drugs, bi-polar, etc.)
Yes, our son has been finalized for some years now. We don't want to
dissolve the adoption. We want to get him the services he needs and
protect ourselves at the same time. If we can arrange to keep him in
our lives, but not in our home (at least until he and we have some
time to heal), that would be the optimal situation.
We do have adoption subsidy involved as well as state controled mental
health support. However, they (state) are not very cooperative.
Current state of things is that they may approve him for RTC or group
home foster care. They have realized that what he is currently
getting for services is not helping and is costing almost as much as
RTC would. We will have to see what happens
Value Options (the mental health local contractor) has to deny things
before we can get adoption subsidy further involved. And they need to
do it in writing. They just seem never to send us any paperwork.
We have found out that the charges against him for assulting me have
been dropped. He will be getting "Community Service", however there
is no penalty for not cooperating and he will not even be seeing the
coordinator until probably Feb. 2003. How they can drop the charges
on our behalf (when we can't) I don't know.
Our one positive is that school seems to be going better at the
moment. He is in gifted program part of the day and self-contained
behavioral room the rest of the day (due to severe mental illnes and
emotional immaturity).
We appreciate the contacts that have been provided here. We are
hoping to start making connections over the next couple of days.
thanks all for your thoughts and hopes. We continue to hope that our
son can survive this without having to leave the family totally.
helicon
No child should have to experience what was done to your son as an infant.
It is no wonder that he is in turmoil. It is absolutely *classic* in such
cases that the 'volcano' erupts in adolescence. He simply can't help it. It
isn't that he is 'mad and bad' - he is simply reacting to the assaults -
physical, sexual, emotional and psychological - that were inflicted on him
from birth for the first couple of years' of his life. There was no band-aid
for *those* injuries.
I wish you, your son and the rest of your family the very best of help,
Bruce, and I hope there is a happy outcome to this serious problem. I hope
your son finds peace of mind and can eventually learn that there are more
people out there who love him than who wish to do him harm. He needs your
love and acceptance. No matter how much he might try and provoke you to do
what the others before you did - to give up on him and push him away, or
worse - I hope you can hang in there.
He has to believe that he *is* lovable, then he might begin to like himself.
Helen