dreamer still searching
Wetmyfeet
my name is kathy and i am trying to suprise my sister, lisa - by finding her
birth family
here is the info we have.:
lisa was born in chicago, ill at cook county hospital on 7-16-64 at 3:39 pm.
was put up for adoption through catholic charities
her parents names: PATRICIA H. LANDRY (ROBINSON maiden name)
HUGH LANDRY ( in 1964 patricia was 34yrs. old
hugh = 36)
her siblings are: CAMILLE DENISE LANDRY BORN 7-18-50
BRYAN KEITH LANDRY
1-26-53
AMELIA BERNADETTE LANDRY 8-2-55
STEVEN RICHARD LANDRY
12-30-57
in 1964 the landry's resided at 5339 s.maryland chicago,ill moved in the
late 70's. lisa's siblings attended st. thomas the apostle school before they
moved away.
e.mail me at chfs 9...@prodigy.com
or
wetm...@aol.com
Laura Bryannan
In article <19980114201...@ladder01.news.aol.com>, wetm...@aol.com
> my name is kathy and i am trying to suprise my sister, lisa - by finding her
>birth family
Are you absolutely *sure* your sister would be happy about
your seeking out her b-family behind her back? Frankly if my
sister (or anyone else) did this to me I would be *supremely*
pissed off as I have NO--I repeat, NO--interest in contact with
my b-mother or her family.
Even if your sister has expressed a desire for reunion, you
should not assume she will be happy about this kind of "surprise."
I just hope you know what you're doing....
SEisman105
> my name is kathy and i am trying to suprise my sister, lisa - by finding her
>birth family
>lisa was born in chicago, ill at cook county hospital on 7-16-64 at 3:39
>pm.
>was put up for adoption through catholic charities
>her parents names: PATRICIA H. LANDRY (ROBINSON maiden name)
> HUGH LANDRY ( in 1964 patricia was 34yrs. old
>hugh = 36)
>her siblings are: CAMILLE DENISE LANDRY BORN 7-18-50
> BRYAN KEITH LANDRY
>1-26-53
> AMELIA BERNADETTE LANDRY
>8-2-55
> STEVEN RICHARD LANDRY
>12-30-57
>in 1964 the landry's resided at 5339 s.maryland chicago,ill moved in the
>late 70's. lisa's siblings attended st. thomas the apostle school before
>they
>moved away.
>
>e.mail me at chfs 9...@prodigy.com
> or
> wetm...@aol.com
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Kathy it is wonderful you want to do something nice for your sister but she
really should be closely involved in this search. Its a learning process that
helps to get her ready to reunite if that is to happen
Sue Eisman
brh
> >
>
> Kathy it is wonderful you want to do something nice for your
> sister but she
> really should be closely involved in this search. Its a
> learning process that
> helps to get her ready to reunite if that is to happen
> Sue Eisman
Sue, you are sooooo right. The Searcher goes through a process
like no other in life, and feels forever responsible for the
outcome. I was The Searcher, not the adoptee. His mother
initially rejected meeting him. The rejection lasted a year, and
during that year I went through the fires of hell, replaying The
Search, wondering if I could have done it differently to "save"
him from her rejection. I would sell my soul to be able to turn
the clock back and let him do The Search himself. He is on the
opposite coast, and I live in his birth city. So it was
convenient that I do The Search. And I was committed, because I
was so POSITIVE his mother would be so pleased to find she had
produced a sterling person any of us would be incredibly proud
to claim as our son. The Search was for her, because I am a
mother her same age, and I wanted her to have the peace of
knowing that such a tragedy in her life had worked out just
great.
On the phone she said to me, "I don't know that boy. I don't
WANT to know that boy. And I can't imagine what right you think
you have to be contacting me. If you contact me again, I will
call my attorney and the police". It had taken me months and
months to find her, working on nothing else all that time.
It has been two and a half years now, and the pain is still
nearly intolerable.......the pain that I caused her, that I
caused him, I can't calculate. The pain of my own is the most
exquisite I've ever had.
Oh God how I wish The Search had ended at the door of Jackie or
Tribe.
Please don't do your sister's search. For yourself, for her, the
risks are too great. This is a journey she needs to make
herself, with you as her supporter. This is a life-bending
expedition that is way too personal to turn over to another
person, even a sister. You just never know the outcome.
Regards,
Kim
Jackie C.
On Thu, 15 Jan 1998 00:37:44 -0800, brh <b...@brh.com> wrote:
>On the phone she said to me, "I don't know that boy. I don't
>WANT to know that boy. And I can't imagine what right you think
>you have to be contacting me. If you contact me again, I will
>call my attorney and the police". It had taken me months and
>months to find her, working on nothing else all that time.
Thanks Kim..
Thanks for the telling of your experience of your searching before
both parties are ready..
What was the outcome?.. You said a year later they did speak..?
Jackie C
brh
Jackie C. wrote:
> Thanks Kim..
> Thanks for the telling of your experience of your searching
> before
> both parties are ready..
> What was the outcome?.. You said a year later they did speak..?
>
> Jackie C
>
> 10765...@compuserve.com
Six months after that horrid phone call, when I could no longer
tolerate the pain of having caused him so much pain, I traveled
to meet his aunt (bmothers sister, of course), because his
non-identifying info had said that aunt was the only person who
knew of his birth. She was so receptive, a jewel, God's gift to
me, and she very much wanted to meet him, BUT she would not
intercede with his mother, she said. So he flew to spend a
weekend with the aunt and her family. They brought out a picture
of his mother.......no one could ever dispute that he was her
son....dead-ringer!!!!
Two weeks later, the Aunt couldn't contain herself and phoned his
half-sister, in still another distant place, and the half-sister
was overjoyed, phoned him, they set up a meeting, and on the day
that he was flying in to meet her, she received a phone call from
the bmother, telling her about him. It had taken bmother just
shy of a year to decide "the problem" was not going to go away,
and she'd better tell her daughter the whole story. All this
time, no one in the family had mentioned the subject to her, in
any way. In fact, for the 45 years since his birth, she never
had mentioned it to a single person.
So then there was a giant family reunion, over the 4th of July
4-day holiday, and everyone has welcomed him as if he had always
belonged. "Fairytale ending", he calls it. He who had no family
at all now has a huge one he is thoroughly enjoying.
But there's no way to erase that bmom felt forced out of the
closet by me. Her position is that she would not have rejected,
if he had made the initial contact himself. And my position is
that I did EXACTLY as directed by the Adoption Agency. I had not
been to this newsgroup, and simply went by what the social worker
told me, that 100% of moms want to be found, that I should phone
her so that she could react without her husband (not his bfather)
hearing what I was saying, that she should have time to prepare
for the reunion.....in short, I followed the social worker's
instructions to the letter, because I did so much not want to err
in any way.
His aunt sent me a Christmas card this year, but otherwise I am
invisible to his new family, and I'm sure viewed as "that woman",
which is the term his bmom has used for me. They are convinced I
did it wrong, and it would have been so much better for them all
if I had done it right. They have no clue as to what it took to
do it at all. And I shouldn't care, should be able to shrug it
off, but can't seem to get past the pain of being such a pariah ,
as if I had done something self-serving that had harmed alot of
people. Rather, I did a whole lot of traveling, spent a whole
lot of money, bribed a whole lot of people, spent gobs of hours
in libraries, churches, cemetaries, the places she and her two
husbands had worked , the neighborhoods where she had lived,
courthouses, and public offices, to trace her through two
marriages after she had given birth. This was an "invasion of
her privacy". I understand that. I grieve mightly over that.
And I am furious that Closed Records have made my life a living
hell.
So I come here now, still trying to think how I could have done a
better job of it. Still trying to discover if there was some way
LEGAL I could have found his birth family (His records are STILL
sealed). Still trying to find a way to get over it and move on.
There is alot of solace in reading this news group, hoping to
understand the minds of those in the triad, hoping to turn
knowledge into a trolley that will take me out of this pain. I
thank God every day that you are all here, telling your stories.
My world is FULL of people who believe sealed records should
remain sealed. They simply do not understand what it is to be
without roots.
Thank you for being here,
Kim
Jackie C.
On Thu, 15 Jan 1998 13:41:32 -0800, brh <b...@brh.com> wrote:
> And my position is
>that I did EXACTLY as directed by the Adoption Agency. I had not
>been to this newsgroup, and simply went by what the social worker
>told me, that 100% of moms want to be found, that I should phone
>her so that she could react without her husband (not his bfather)
>hearing what I was saying, that she should have time to prepare
>for the reunion.....in short, I followed the social worker's
>instructions to the letter, because I did so much not want to err
>in any way.
As in the poll just talked about on this newsgroup.. saying.. one
percent did not name their child.. Heck I did not name my child..
This is bottom line thinking on why a poll taken on bmoms that are
subscribed to a newletter.. is not right..
You did the best you could.. with the information you had..
>His aunt sent me a Christmas card this year, but otherwise I am
>invisible to his new family, and I'm sure viewed as "that woman",
>which is the term his bmom has used for me. They are convinced I
>did it wrong, and it would have been so much better for them all
>if I had done it right.
I can remember having babies.. I can remember them telling me the
labor pains are going to be three minutes apart, then two and so on..
It did not work that way for me..
My labor pains were all over the place..
I had to accept what was going down and get on with it..
And my point with this bmom.. Transfering the blame.. that is to me
what she is doing.. Because she was in hiding and in rejection.. and
all that stuff. Rather than facing the facing.. She tried to hide it
again.. You say she is still with the bfather.. so there are some very
different dynamics there.. Rather than the normal bmom dynamics..
*Each case it different* darn it..
So she refuses first contact.. and continues into the denial game..
hoping again, it will go away..
When we come out of hiding.. is sooo difficult. Out of the denial
hell..
Out of the place.. of you had better keep this here secret or
else..And the words of who is telling us in our heads gets confused..
Is a very painful process.. Like me finally getting to a therapist..
and knowing she can not, by law, tell another.. And I felt guilt..
because of my being sworn to secrecy..
If this woman has decided to transfer her guilt to you.. Her guilt of
not accepting first contact.. You don't have to pick it up..
You can give back the hot potato.
I believe you acted in the best interest of the adopteee. He wanted to
find his bparents.. You did a wonderful job.. A job that some in the
situation do not recognize.. Because the place of denial is a very
nice..hard place to be in.. And passing the blame on to another is
part of it.. don't you see..
Not taking responsibility for our actions.. That woman could not do
that..
An alcoholic.. sometimes will drink himself into the grave.. in total
denial.. not seing what he is doing to his family or himself.. He is
in denial..
Sometimes an intervention is a good thing.. Forcing the said alcoholic
into seeing what he is doing.. to himself and the family..
That person will never thank the one that did the intervention.. Not
untill he looks at himself and finally sees who he is as a person...
and stops.. seeing the world as a place to escape from.. as this birth
mother does in my opinion..
I did it with drugs.. Never able to go to the places in my mind where
I knew there was pain and guilt and all that stuff..
You did a wonderful powerful thing.. And it was meant to go down..
Give back the hot potato.. it does not belong to you..
My opinion..
love jackie
Kathy
Excellent, excellent advice. Exactly what I was thinking as I read
Kim's story. Kim, please, please, take Jackie's information and advice
to heart. Perhaps you are too intimately involved in the situation to
see and feel it clearly, but to the outside observer, Jackie has the
situation pegged to a T.
Kathy
KP2 KP2
> > my name is kathy and i am trying to suprise my sister, lisa - by finding her
> >birth family
> >here is the info we have.:
> >lisa was born in chicago, ill at cook county hospital on 7-16-64 at 3:39
> >pm.
> >was put up for adoption through catholic charities
> >her parents names: PATRICIA H. LANDRY (ROBINSON maiden name)
> > HUGH LANDRY ( in 1964 patricia was 34yrs. old
> >hugh = 36)
> >her siblings are: CAMILLE DENISE LANDRY BORN 7-18-50
> > BRYAN KEITH LANDRY
> >1-26-53
> > AMELIA BERNADETTE LANDRY
> >8-2-55
> > STEVEN RICHARD LANDRY
> >12-30-57
> >in 1964 the landry's resided at 5339 s.maryland chicago,ill moved in the
> >late 70's. lisa's siblings attended st. thomas the apostle school before
> >they
> >moved away.
> >
> >e.mail me at chfs 9...@prodigy.com
> > or
> > wetm...@aol.com
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> really should be closely involved in this search. Its a learning process that
> helps to get her ready to reunite if that is to happen
> Sue Eisman