Heather Forbes
HS
older brothers and a fraternal twin sister. The best memories of my
childhood are going to the beach, riding horses, and visiting with my
grandparents.
Yet, apart from these good memories, memories of growing up with
little emotional connection with two alcoholic parents and feelings of
being "invisible" within a family system are even more prevalent. (And
I share this with you because these difficult memories are an
important part of who I am today and why I am so passionate about the
work that I do). As a child, I found connection and validation through
academics and graduated at the top of my class. Following high school,
I attended the University of Florida and earned a bachelor's degree in
architecture and a master's in construction management.
After working for ten years in the field of architecture, I woke up
one morning with this pulling desire to be a parent. Due to numerous
health issues and operations in my past (all a result of growing up in
a stressful environment), adoption became the way to motherhood.
Following countless phone calls and long nights working on paperwork,
four months later I found myself in Russia meeting my son, an adorable
2 ½ year old little boy.
This was a major turning point in my life. Motherhood became the most
difficult task I had ever undertaken. I had accomplished any goal I
set my mind to in the past. Focus, self-discipline, and pure
determination had been my tools to success. Yet, in the first six
months of motherhood, nothing I had used in the past was working.
Nothing-nothing was working. In fact, it was only getting worse.
Out of pure insanity or complete denial, I was in Russia a year and a
half later, adopting again! This time I was meeting my daughter, a
beautiful 4-year-old little girl. She was completely different, yet in
the back of my mind, I kept hearing, "She's too good…there is
something very wrong here."
As you can imagine, I had created quite a situation within a very
short amount of time. After late nights of research, consultations
with "experts," and at least 200 books on attachment and bonding, I
was still at a complete loss of how to bring peace into our home.
Late nights of research turned into late nights of curling up on the
bathroom floor, crying in a complete state of helplessness. Yes, I've
been there on the floor with you, feeling terrified of the future and
feeling as if life was no longer worth living!
I decided that since I was doing all this research, I should return to
school and change my career path. Looking back, I was simply returning
to the environment that I knew in my early years that had sustained me
through stress--academia. I earned a master of social work and sought
training in the area of attachment and bonding. In 1999, I met my co-
author, Dr. B. Bryan Post, LCSW, at an intensive training event. His
insight into the understanding of trauma and fear was exactly what was
needed in my family.
After working to first change myself and the interpretation of my
children's behaviors, I was then able to parent in a whole new way. It
also required intensive healing of my past childhood experiences in
order to be able to become emotionally available to my children's pain
and fear. I came to realize that if you want to change something in
your life, there's only one place to look: inside you. And when you
look to make this change, it takes doing it with love.
It took learning to love myself. First, though, it required a true
understanding of the essence of love. We cannot give something we
don't understand or something we have not yet received. Loving
yourself is the key to being able to love others unconditionally,
without requirements. This is especially essential to parenting a
child with a trauma history who simply does not have the capacity to
receive love or reciprocate love due to the intensity of his/her
internal pain and fear.
When unconditional love is put into action, it truly is the "cure" to
creating peace in the home. It simply takes learning how to put it
into action. Traditional parenting techniques are fraught with fear,
disguised as love. Shifting your perspective to allow the light of
love to overcome the darkness of fear is the only way.
My children are teenagers now and I have a wonderful relationship with
both of them (How many parents do you know with teenagers who actually
enjoy their company?). My children are more emotionally intelligent
than most adults and they understand the dynamics of human
interactions beyond their years. Their early experiences of
abandonment, abuse, and neglect have been integrated into who they are
and they are better individuals today because of their pasts. That's
the power of love!
If you are struggling with the effects of trauma in your home, I want
this level of healing for you. I am passionate about providing the
resources and understanding you need to make your family work for you.
It is hard work. It is a journey of commitment and tenacity. Yet, it
is what life is about - loving relationships. You aren't living unless
you are emotionally attuned to both yourself and to those around you.
I am committed to helping families and changing the false traditional
interpretation of how to love and discipline children. There is a way
to pull out of the depth of pain that resides in so many families (and
perhaps your family). I hope you'll join me on this journey to bring
love back into a world that is living in too much fear and pain. Love
never fails!