Brendan's Words of Wisdom
Cpt Brendan Dillon
Note: The author is not responsible for any mental damage caused by this
list.
1. If you drop a Mr. Phipps pretzel chip onto another, they sound like
poker chips.
2. The earth is a gigantic computer designed to find the Ultimate
Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything (the Answer is known to be
forty-two), and was built by the inhabitants of the planet Magrathea.
3. The 'Loe Down sucks.
4. Araigh 'tha takh-ruuh ne nehauu vesh mekhezh 't-rrhew. (It's in Vulcan.)
5. Most people hope that in the future we'll use the UFP's Prime
Directive but it'll probably be closer to the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.
6. (This one's for Cronan's mom.) Some people can't wait another month
for a computer.
7. Viruses suck.
8. (For the Eagles) apparently, 3-7 is good enough for the playoffs. Oh
well, they suck anyway.
9. Wait for Windows 96 or you'll have an electronic infestation.
10. She canna take much more o' this, Keptin!
11. Always remember that Amelia Earhart is just in cryogenic stasis on a
planet in the Delta Quadrant. Voyager'll pick her up in 400 years.
12. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Do not attempt to
escape your English class.
13. God shuffled his feet. (Yes, I'm listening to Crash Test Dummies
right now. No, I'm not high on weed.)
14. If you travel beyond Warp 10, you'll go into the future.
15. People who commit suicide often die. Don't risk it.
16. Dilithium Crystals do not exist. (Chemically, they can, but they don't.)
17. Siddhartha and The Iliad are extremely boring.
18. We're men, we're men in tightstightstights.
19. The World Wide Web kicks a local BBS's butt any day.
20. The meaning of life is forty-two.
21. If a mouse is eating your couch, you're probably me.
22. If Stretch goes overtime, give 'em the cow.
23. Only someone like my mom would have a poltergeist living in her car
radio.
24. If a tree fell down in a forest, and the only person there to hear it
was a mime, would he make a sound?
25. When all else fails, seperate the saucer section.
26. You can find all kinds of wierdos in cyberspace.
27. Artificial quantum singularities are more powerful that controlled
matter- antimatter annhillation.
28. Mrs. Raper needs to hot-wax off her mustache.
29. A teacher workday is never there when you need one.
30. Never trust someone with a name like I. M. Robin Yu.
31. Don't commit aggravated assault. You might end up hurting someone.
32. Chakotay's tatoo is kind of cool.
33. Why work it out when you have a calculator?
34. Kill studio talkback!!!!!
35. Scientific progress goes "boink."
36. Zefram Cochrane invented the warp drive.
37. Latinum is pretty cool.
38. Steal enough kryptonite, and you can kill even Superman.
39. Always keep your phaser on stun, but keep photon torpedos ready.
40. The species of the common fruit fly is drosophilia melanogaster.
41. One of the many reasons why Star Trek is better than baseball: Star
Trek has Lt. Worf and baseball just has the Famous Chicken.
42. When it's cold as hell, you're not thinking about Thanksgiving.
43. Shakespeare is a foreign language.
44. Dead cameras suck.
45. Spock said it best: "Humans are very illogical."
46. Just when you bring enough money for KitKats, the school band quits
their fundraiser.
47. The night before midterms, skip the country.
48. Deep Space Nine needs to be moved to 7:00.
49. Stretch is dead.
50. The best use for a stack of 'Loe Choice gold cards is to level a
lunch table.
51. The second best use for a stack of 'Loe Choice gold cards is to build
a lunch table. Man, the West Caf is crowded.
52. If you die, you can't eat ice cream.
53. If you eat ice cream, you aren't dead.
54. Key Club inductions are boring.
55. Only at Enloe will you find a fistfight at a peace rally.
56. Having guests on the 'Loe Down sucks because you keep having to
change your shot, and Julio just can't get a good two-shot.
57. Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a bricklayer!
58. Only a really wierd person would squirt toothpaste on his penis.
59. Nuqdaq yuch dapol? (Klingon for "Where do you keep the chocolate?")
60. Official "Vanguard" Anguish Factor #11: sliding naked down a ten-foot
greased razorblade.
61. If you can't agree, give up. (This is not really a good idea, but
Congress must think it is.)
62. Ross Perot's ears are so big, you could give him a magic feather and
he'd take off flying.
63. Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.
64. You're not really sledding unless you break something.
65. This is the sixty-fifth Word of Wisdom.
66. Life is a terminal disease. The only way to cure it is to die.
67. Vogons suck.
68. The price of giving the people a choice is that they often choose
Newt Gingrich.
69. Starfleet is to the Borg what an IBM PCjr is to every computer core
in the Federation.
70. Remember to turn off the Bussard collectors before activating the
main deflectors.
71. I'm wering the inside out.
72. It's probably not a good idea to swallow large quantities of Clorox
bleach.
73. Sprinkling little pieces of lead on your spaghetti isn't a good idea
either.
74. If you hold large cities hostage, people usually won't like you very
much.
75. Picard is cool, but his favorite author isn't.
76. Beware the almighty Zeus.
77. When operating a fire extinguisher, it's important that you aim it at
the fire and not at your nose.
78. When running, it's best to avoid brick walls.
79. Don't bathe in hydrochloric acid.
80. You have to wonder about a guy who wants to elect Dr. Kevorkian for
president.
81. Apples are red, lettuce is green, cut open your stomach, and pull out
your spleen.
82. Five billion people will die on December 13, 1996.
83. If you want to drive early, move to New Mexico.
84. Captain Kirk is dead, but William Shatner is alive and well and being
deficated on by elephants.
85. The "talent" is not always an accurate term.
86. What do you get when you cross a satirical story with a sweet potato?
Candide yams.
87. If your teacher is a UNC fan, don't wear a Duke shirt if you value
your grades.
88. Leola root sucks.
89. If you're 25 and still believe in Santa Claus, you're screwed up.
90. If you think that the capital of the United States is United States
City, you're pretty damn stupid.
91. Fires can keep you warm. Survive the freezing winter by igniting your
shirt.
92. If you think that Nike's slogan promotes sex, get a life.
93. Hookt on foniks werkt fer mee!
94. If you're having trouble sleeping, commit suicide. You'll be sleeping
forever.
95. If you like Beavis's haircut, kill someone. The nice friendly man
with the electric chair will help you get one just like it.
96. If your name is John, um, well, that's fine.
97. If you want to be like Michael Jackson, change your skin color and
get a sex change operation.
98. If you think fire is cool, turn around. Your house is flaming.
99. If you want to get anywhere in this world, lick ass, lick ass, lick ass.
100. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
BRENDAN'S QUOTES OF WISDOM
1. "Je vais donne ce fromage pour votre mere." -Stretch
2. "Upon receiving the award, a beautiful Grecian urn, the recipiant
said, 'I'd like to thank all of you for this beautiful Greek urine I just
received.' " -Joe Garagiola
3. "His big-@$$ afro is hard to destroy, 'cause it's time for a visit
from Paul Funkyleroy!" -Josh Rothney
4. "The universe is a spheroid region 705 meters in diameter." -Computer,
Star Trek: TNG: "Remember Me"
5. "Hey, cut it out! I'm a french fry!" -Drew Carey
6. "Life is like a box of chocolates; if you eat too many, you get sick."
-Sam Malone
7. "I'm a merchant, I went to Venice, and a guy named Will wrote a long,
boring play about me." -What Antonio should have said after Shakespeare's
The Merchant of Venice
8. "In class today, Nathan stood up and said, 'I'm the butt cowboy,' and
then proceeded to say, 'I'm gonna lasso me some butt.' " -Nathan Katzin
9. "Don't you hate it when you wipe your mind clear of everything?"
-Cronan Thompson
10. "When everything seems planned out/when everything seems nicely
planned out/well the human race will come and smack your face" -the Crash
Test Dummies, "How does a Duck Know?"
11. "Uh oh, it's Sir Isaac Newton and he's pissed." -Chandler, Friends
12. "You're still in bed at ten, but work began at eight/You burned your
breakfast; so far, things are going great" -the Rembrandts, "I'll Be
There For You"
13. "Go bang your heads together four-eyes." -Arthur Dent to Zaphod
Beeblebrox, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
14. "Narf!" -Pinky
15. "Let's open deez mo' fo's and get started." -Josh Rothney
16. "Elephant dung! It's ENORMOUS!" -William Shatner
17. "I'm Antonio, dance with me." -Billy Crystal
18. "Patrick Stewart, he's still a star/With his bald head glistening/He
doesn't need a cheap toupie/Let's hope William Shatner's listening."
-Jason Smith
What do you thinks?
Cpt. Brendan Dillon
U.S.S. Zefram Cochrane
bdi...@nando.net
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U.S.S. Zefram Cochrane
Star Trek RPG/Newsletter
Nebula Class, NCC-59318-A