a beautiful woman
Alfred E. Neuman
If anyone knows her......or someone LIKE her.....
please let me know......I want to MARRY her.....
Alf
**************************************
.. I am NOT making these stories up but..
I went out the other night to my favorite bar (yes THAT bar although I
didn't have my dawg with me) and instead of a 700 lb man, there was a
midget.
YES! A fucking midget! NOT a dwarf which can be differentiated from a midget
by the body proportions. A dwarf has a big head and small appendages but the
torso is normal sized. A midget is an exact replica of a person but smaller.
Now, there are two things that tell the general populace that I should not
be out in public, and should be coiled up in my filthy bed instead.
1) IF I am drinking rye (which I loathe)
and
B) IF I am dancing.
I don't dance in public as I am sure I resemble Elaine Benis.
So the two together would be a giant warning sign to GET THE FUCK HOME.
But noooooooo......
I have never met a genu-ine midget before, let alone a RYE-drinking one. So
drink rye and dance I did. Not only was I drinking rye and dancing, but I
found myself at some point TWIRLING a midget OFF his feet and swinging him
around the dance floor. This would be okay if it was a large dance floor but
oh no.. it was cramped and lacking swing-room and I managed to knock more
than a few dancing people off their own feet and into the audience.
Laughing merrily, I carried him bodily to the stage where the band (a GREAT
FUCKING band btw) let me deposit him thusly. We sang the last three
choruses of a Stones song (..let's dance the night together..) and then I
had to go home shortly thereafter.
MAN I wished I had a digital camera!
(again)
As an aside I got to shave my buddy's head again yesterday and drink
large amounts of vodka well into the process.
A vodka-lubricated woman armed with an electric razor is scary enough. But a
grown man DUCT-taped to a kitchen chair whilst being shaved is poetry
itself.
Morticia~
..do you believe in magic?
Dane Martin
>This is a copy of a post in another newsgroup.......
>If anyone knows her......or someone LIKE her.....
>please let me know......I want to MARRY her.....
Go right ahead! I'll be your Best Man if I can dress as a large salami, rather
than wearing a suit.
Please?
--
Dane Martin
dan...@aol.com
"Surrealism in th' service of sanity
is no sin."
--Griffy
Alfred E. Neuman
"Dane Martin" <dan...@aol.comradical> wrote in message
news:20030611222401...@mb-m07.aol.com...
If I ""DID"" find her and we were getting married.....
I would "insist" that you have to be a naked best man....
And I would "insist" that some of my friends do very
kinky things to you during the ceremony! Yes....we
"are" very kinky people......and I like you a lot.....
You have a beautiful sense of humor..... Do you
have a female friend that would also be willing to
attend the wedding NAKED? Bring her along!
Do you ride a Harley? Drive it right into the church!
My whole gang is what's left of the 60's flower
children..... Do you "like" to run around naked?
And....smoke really wild flowers..... After the
wedding I'll have 3 or 4 of the "regular" girls
do some really kinky things to your body!
Plllleeeeaaaaassssseeeee say "OK".......
Alf
Dane Martin
>"Dane Martin" <dan...@aol.comradical> wrote in message
>news:20030611222401...@mb-m07.aol.com...
>> Alfred E. Neuman wrote:
>>
>> >This is a copy of a post in another newsgroup.......
>> >If anyone knows her......or someone LIKE her.....
>> >please let me know......I want to MARRY her.....
>>
>> Go right ahead! I'll be your Best Man if I can dress as a large salami,
>rather
>> than wearing a suit.
>>
>> Please?
>> --
>> Dane Martin
>> dan...@aol.com
>>
>> "Surrealism in th' service of sanity
>> is no sin."
>> --Griffy
>;
>If I ""DID"" find her and we were getting married.....
>I would "insist" that you have to be a naked best man....
YAYE! I always knew you had taste!
>And I would "insist" that some of my friends do very
>kinky things to you during the ceremony!
Hmm... well, would "some of these friends" happen to have breasts? If so, I
don't mind, but if they don't, the Hands of the Law have just gotten a bit
icier.
(No, I don't know what the hell I just said.)
>Yes....we
>"are" very kinky people......
Really?
Ps0t proof or retract!
>and I like you a lot.....
Glad to hear it. Does this mean I can borrow money?
>You have a beautiful sense of humor.....
Thank you. I think. Here's a joke:
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a chicken?
A: BREAKFAST!!!
Haw-haw-haw, hoo-WHEE! How's THAT for a knee-slapper?
>Do you
>have a female friend that would also be willing to
>attend the wedding NAKED?
No, I'm sorry. I don't. No female friends, sadly. However, if you are willing
to provide me with one, I just might smile!
>Bring her along!
Too late...
>Do you ride a Harley? Drive it right into the church!
I don't now, but I always could start! Better yet, I could ride my sister's
tricycle into the church triumphantly (naked, of course), with a large
sign--tacked onto the handlebars with infamous masking tape--reading, "THIS IS
A HARLEY."
What do you say?
>My whole gang is what's left of the 60's flower
>children.....
YES!!!!
I love you now.
>Do you "like" to run around naked?
Well... yes. But only in families of what is left of 60's flower children.
Thus, all is well!
>And....smoke really wild flowers.....
Yaye! There will be a shipment for me, I take it?
>After the
>wedding I'll have 3 or 4 of the "regular" girls
>do some really kinky things to your body!
Prawmiss?
One problem: it is highly illegal, because I am overrage. But I really don't
mind, if the Icy Hands of the Law will keep out of this one..
>Plllleeeeaaaaassssseeeee say "OK".......
OK!
Alfred E. Neuman
"Dane Martin" <dan...@aol.comradical> wrote in message
Harley gang and all of the wild girls......
In your honor I'm sending you a true story......it's an example of
the kind of people I hang around with.....the story follows....
Alf
*************************************************
If you are under 18 years old....cover your ears.....
and/or go somewhere else......immediately.....
;
The following is 100% true.....because "Suzzy"
would "never" lie about something like this......
[well, almost never]
;
My best friend and his wife.......drink a lot........
And, they like to smoke "funny" weird stuff.....
Sometimes, they are so bonkered that they can't
even communicate at all......they just make strange
"grunting" sounds on the phone..........
;
Whenever I "hear" that.... I go over to their house
as fast as I can.....because I know from experience
that something really super funny is about to happen....
.......or......has already happened.......
;
When I arrived...... The front door was wide open....
My friend "Bill" was passed out......on the couch....
And, his wife [friends call her "Suzz"] was watching
TV but, not "really" watching the TV, if you know
what I mean, because she was laughing really loud
like an insane person....and "she" was drunk too!
The six o'clock news was on the TV and they were
doing the local weather..... so, her insane laughter
was a totally separate issue.....
;
I went into the kitchen and got a cold beer [more
than half of the fridge was filled with beer] then I
went back into the living room and sat down.....
;
Suzz looked over at me for the first time since I
had arrived..... and started laughing even harder and
more insane. She was laughing so hard that tears were
running down her cheeks.
;
One time last year after a ride with the local Harley
club she started laughing like that [I don't remember why]
and she peed her pants. So, I yelled at her as loud as I
could and I said, "Suzz, you better stop with the insane
laughter or you're going to pee your pants again!"
;
This comment made her start laughing even harder yet
and she immediately got up and walked over to my chair
and sat on my lap. Then she stopped laughing just long
enough to say, "If I go pee now, Alf, you're going to
get wet too!" Then, she started the insane laughing again
and her hand wandered over and rested on my weenie.
;
I really love these two characters.... I think God broke
the mold when he made these two. They really are super
wonderful.....and super weird.....and super funny.....and
super super nice to everyone...... I love both of them....
;
After a few minutes of extra loud insane laughter, she
finally stopped and said, "I'm going to tell you a story
about me and Bill but, only if you promise to never let
Bill know that I told you this....if you want to tell your
wife....go ahead.....but, don't let Bill find out that I told
you what happened with the marshmallows!"
;
****************************************************
note: Bill and Suzz don't have a computer. They both
told me once that people who stare at a screen for hours
and hours are idiots. They like Harley's and working in
the garden. So, I don't have to worry about them "seeing"
this post.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, if someone tells them
about a weird marshmallow post.... I'll just deny everything!
****************************************************
;
As I tell you what happened with the marshmallows remember
that "Suzz" is very very drunk and constantly laughing like an
insane person....so the "content" will need a few "jumps" into
the past and present.....and, it will need a few places that
are 2nd and 3rd person - that way it will be easier for me to write
and easier for "you" to understand.
;
Just in case you are sleeping.... I "know" that I'm a terrible
writer..... So, here is what they did..... Even though I don't
write very well, you "will" get the idea..... And, remember this...
Suzz is a thousand times smarter than Bill.... and she loves
him more than life itself.....so one of lifes great pleasures for
"HER" is to have "FUN" with him......up to a point.....if you
"know" what I mean......enough said..... here we go......
;
Suzz said, "Bill has been trying to screw me in the ass for years
and every time he talked about doing it I told him NO NO NO...."
;
Well, last week he got upset with my constant NO answer
and he offered me two hundred dollars if I would just let him
do it ONE TIME. He called the money an "early Christmas
present"....!!!
;
[note: He had no intention of actually giving her the money!]
[................{and "she" knew "that"}.................]
[but, she got it anyway........]
[ she sold his guitar while he was at work]
;
She said, "OK".....Bill......you have a deal.....
For two hundred dollars, I'll let you fuck me in the ass but,
I will not tollerate any bullshit...... I WILL GET THE MONEY!
;
Bill said, "fine".... I'll give you the money honey.....
;
[yah, right]
[and there are apple trees on the moon]
;
So, they go into the bedroom and Bill, being kind and
very considerate.....{yah right!}......lubes up her butt hole with
a few blobs from a tube of KY.....
;
Suzz said, "He was very kind and gentle and considerate....
He worked his Mr. Weeney in really slow and it didn't hurt at all.
;
But, after a few minutes Bill said, "I don't really know how
to tell you this "Suzz", but, your butt hole feels really
loose and weird.... It feels like there is just one "firm" round
place.....followed by a large HUGE "empty" space.... it just
doesn't feel like I thought it would honey....
;
[NOTE: Remember that Suzz is laughing like a crazy insane
person while she is telling me this story....so, it's
hard for """me""" to "tell" this story.....because insane
laughter is """VERY"""" contagious...!!!]
;
Anyway......Bill keeps telling her that there is
no "FUN" in this back door hole because it's just
a small tight "circle" followed immediately by
a huge "empty" CAVERN..... And, Suzz heard him
start to ramble on about paying "himself" the two
hundred and using his thumb and index finger for a
circle...... and it probably would have felt "better!"
At the very least....it would have been a lot cheaper!
;
At this point, Suzz doesn't remember for sure who
had the idea first..... [more insane laughter].......but,
Bill went and got the big plastic bag filled with
marshmallows..... He said, "honey".... if I stuff a
bunch of these inside you....then put Mr. Weeney
back in....it just might feel a lot better.... at any rate....
the marshmallows will take up all the "empty" space!
;
Suzz remembers that, at the time, "both" of them
thought this would be a really "GOOD" idea....!
;
So.... he starts stuffing them inside her butt hole.....
[more insane laughter] and he "KEEPS" stuffing until
it starts to get "hard" to put more of them inside....
He said, "Honey, I think there's enough of them in there
now, and she said, "how many did you put in?"
;
More insane laughter..... He said, "I didn't count them
Suzz!" And, she says, "Well, don't just stand there like
and idiot....put Mr. Weeney back in and see if it feels
better now! [A lot more insane laughter]
;
So, in goes Mr. Weeney again and he says, "IT WORKS!"
.................It works really good, honey..................
It doesn't feel like a big empty cave now.... There's
lots of friction in there now..... and it feels "GOOD"....
;
[A huge amount of insane laughter from Suzz again...]
;
Bill is finally finished and Suzz goes into the bathroom
to clean up.... She sat down on the toilet and starts
trying to push out the marshmallows.....well, you
guessed it.....they just "WOULD NOT COME OUT".....
;
Bill went into the bathroom and said, "what's taking so
long honey, you've been sitting there for a half hour already!"
So, Suzz tells him that the marshmallows will not come out
and she is starting to get a major big huge "CRAMP" pain
in the whole marshmallow filled area.
;
She told me that the "cramp" pain was not "real" she just
wanted some hugging and holding and sympathy from Bill...
because the damn marshmallows really WOULD NOT
COME OUT.... NO MATTER "HOW" HARD SHE TRIED!
;
So, we have Suzz sitting on the toilet.... and Bill kneeling
down beside her....one arm/hand around her shoulders and the
other hand rubbing on her tummy.... and Suzz moaning and
groaning like she is in terrible pain..... and Bill starting to feel
really bad about the whole thing....
;
Bill said, "I just don't understand this Suzz, the damn things
went in really easy.... I don't know "why" they won't come out!"
;
I'm sure that somewhere in this "tender" moment Suzz was
laughing on the inside in her MOST INSANE way....but,
giving Bill the """I'm a little girl in pain""" look....to make him
feel really bad..... and think about the two hundred ....too!!!
;
While Bill is still holding her....and rubbing her tummy....
Suzz switched to her tough....strong.....bitch......personality
and said, "You put all those damn things in there Bill.... so,
it's up to you....to get them out!"
;
She got up off of the toilet and pulled him back into the bedroom.
She laid down and put her legs up in the air and said, "OK Bill, you
put them in there....now get them out..... use your fingers or put
your mouth on my butt hole and suck as hard as you can.... I don't
care "HOW" you get them out.... just.... GET THEM OUT....!!!!
;
It's late....now....and I'm tired....so, I'll have to finish this
tomorrow....
;
Good Night....
;
Alf
PS: Do you "want" me to finish this?
Blue_Eyed_Devil
wrote:
>>> >This is a copy of a post in another newsgroup.......
>>> >If anyone knows her......or someone LIKE her.....
>>> >please let me know......I want to MARRY her.....
>>>
>>> Go right ahead! I'll be your Best Man if I can dress as a large salami,
>>rather
>>> than wearing a suit.
>>>
>>> Please?
>>> --
>>> Dane Martin
>>> dan...@aol.com
>>>
>>> "Surrealism in th' service of sanity
>>> is no sin."
>>> --Griffy
>>;
>>If I ""DID"" find her and we were getting married.....
>>I would "insist" that you have to be a naked best man....
>
>YAYE! I always knew you had taste!
>
>>And I would "insist" that some of my friends do very
>>kinky things to you during the ceremony!
>
>Hmm... well, would "some of these friends" happen to have breasts? If so, I
>don't mind, but if they don't, the Hands of the Law have just gotten a bit
>icier.
>
>(No, I don't know what the hell I just said.)
You're really starting to get the 'hang' of Acme.
>
>>Yes....we
>>"are" very kinky people......
>
>Really?
Yup! Takes a boy scout to untie 'em.
>
>Ps0t proof or retract!
>
>>and I like you a lot.....
>
>Glad to hear it. Does this mean I can borrow money?
>
>>You have a beautiful sense of humor.....
>
>Thank you. I think. Here's a joke:
>
>Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a chicken?
>A: BREAKFAST!!!
>
>Haw-haw-haw, hoo-WHEE! How's THAT for a knee-slapper?
Knee pervert!
Prawns for din-din?
>
>One problem: it is highly illegal, because I am overrage. But I really don't
>mind, if the Icy Hands of the Law will keep out of this one..
>
>>Plllleeeeaaaaassssseeeee say "OK".......
>
>OK!
Bed
Blue_Eyed_Devil
<insa...@msn.com> wrote:
<snip>
>Alf
>
>
>
>PS: Do you "want" me to finish this?
No! Not unless hamsters are involved!
Bed
>
BeH
of "MindSpring Enterprises" felt the need to shout thusly:
WHAT??? WHAT???
Peoples! A reminder...: I do not get any Alfred-ps0ts at all for some
reason. They need to be replied to unsnippified. Please...
BeH
Blue_Eyed_Devil
Unfriendly Ghost) wrote:
>In article <sp8kevc01pkblabpe...@4ax.com>,
>ugh, thank you for the mental image.
>The Badger already was gross, but marshmallow-eating hamsters...
You're welcome. It's a public service that I provide. Any other
disturbing mental images you might like?
Bed
Mike Nute
Umm... take him out of your killfile?
--
nilrem112 @ netzero.com -> The wizard's name is spelled backwards.
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
Phil (the Extreme One)
>;
>
>It's late....now....and I'm tired....so, I'll have to finish this
>tomorrow....
>
>;
>
>Good Night....
>
>;
>
>Alf
>
>
>
>PS: Do you "want" me to finish this?
What the HELL was that for?
***************************** PLONK! *****************************
--
Phil
nolemurz-at-earthlink-dot-net
Blue_Eyed_Devil
Unfriendly Ghost) wrote:
>In article <6cfuevkr2fbqj10c1...@4ax.com>,
> Blue_Eyed_Devil <Blue_Ey...@mindspring.com> writes:
>> On 15 Jun 2003 03:51:11 GMT, pio...@unet.univie.ac.at (Caspar The
>> Unfriendly Ghost) wrote:
>>
>>>In article <sp8kevc01pkblabpe...@4ax.com>,
>>> Blue_Eyed_Devil <Blue_Ey...@mindspring.com> writes:
>>>> On Thu, 12 Jun 2003 21:38:14 -0400, "Alfred E. Neuman"
>>>> <insa...@msn.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> <snip>
>>>>
>>>>>Alf
>>
>>>>>PS: Do you "want" me to finish this?
>>>>
>>>> No! Not unless hamsters are involved!
>>>
>>>ugh, thank you for the mental image.
>>>The Badger already was gross, but marshmallow-eating hamsters...
>>
>> You're welcome. It's a public service that I provide. Any other
>> disturbing mental images you might like?
>
>maybe if alf would continue, more demand would be generated?
Would Alf follow the hamsters and take the marshmellows from them?
Bed
Mike Nute
Would he follow them over the edge of a cliff?
Oh wait, that's lemmings.
BeH
of "no fixed address" felt the need to shout thusly:
>This one was like 10 pages long... a story about anal sex
I see... And the problem is?
BeH
BeH
of "Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com" felt the need to
shout thusly:
>BeH wrote:
>
>> Into the tranquility of alt.acme.exploding.newsgroup, Blue_Eyed_Devil
>> of "MindSpring Enterprises" felt the need to shout thusly:
>>
>>>On Thu, 12 Jun 2003 21:38:14 -0400, "Alfred E. Neuman"
>>><insa...@msn.com> wrote:
>>>
>>><snip>
>>>
>>>>Alf
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>PS: Do you "want" me to finish this?
>>>
>>>No! Not unless hamsters are involved!
>>
>> WHAT??? WHAT???
>> Peoples! A reminder...: I do not get any Alfred-ps0ts at all for some
>> reason. They need to be replied to unsnippified. Please...
>
>Umm... take him out of your killfile?
I have nothing in my killfile... that's the strange part.
BeH
Mike Nute
> Into the tranquility of alt.acme.exploding.newsgroup, Mike Nute
> of "Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com" felt the need to
> shout thusly:
>
>>BeH wrote:
>>
>>> Into the tranquility of alt.acme.exploding.newsgroup, Blue_Eyed_Devil
>>> of "MindSpring Enterprises" felt the need to shout thusly:
>>>
>>>>On Thu, 12 Jun 2003 21:38:14 -0400, "Alfred E. Neuman"
>>>><insa...@msn.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>><snip>
>>>>
>>>>>Alf
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>PS: Do you "want" me to finish this?
>>>>
>>>>No! Not unless hamsters are involved!
>>>
>>> WHAT??? WHAT???
>>> Peoples! A reminder...: I do not get any Alfred-ps0ts at all for some
>>> reason. They need to be replied to unsnippified. Please...
>>
>>Umm... take him out of your killfile?
>
> I have nothing in my killfile... that's the strange part.
Strange indeed...
Mike Nute
> In article <g0lgfv46rdecd96sa...@4ax.com>,
> the anus!
Hemherroids?
Mike Nute
> In article <vfk4qno...@corp.supernews.com>,
> Mike Nute <nilr...@netzero.com> writes:
>> Caspar The Unfriendly Ghost wrote:
>>
>>> In article <g0lgfv46rdecd96sa...@4ax.com>,
>>> BeH <dontsend...@this.address> writes:
>>>> Into the tranquility of alt.acme.exploding.newsgroup, Merlyne
>>>> of "no fixed address" felt the need to shout thusly:
>>>>
>>>>>Meanwhile back at the ranch, BeH said:
>>>>>
>>>>>> Into the tranquility of alt.acme.exploding.newsgroup, Blue_Eyed_Devil
>>>>>> of "MindSpring Enterprises" felt the need to shout thusly:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>On Thu, 12 Jun 2003 21:38:14 -0400, "Alfred E. Neuman"
>>>>>>><insa...@msn.com> wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>><snip>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Alf
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>PS: Do you "want" me to finish this?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>No! Not unless hamsters are involved!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> WHAT??? WHAT???
>>>>>> Peoples! A reminder...: I do not get any Alfred-ps0ts at all for some
>>>>>> reason. They need to be replied to unsnippified. Please...
>>>>>>
>>>>>> BeH
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>This one was like 10 pages long... a story about anal sex
>>>>
>>>> I see... And the problem is?
>>>
>>> the anus!
>>
>> Hemherroids?
>
> rather afteroids, and big chuncks at that...
Sounds painful...
BeH
of "no fixed address" felt the need to shout thusly:
>Meanwhile back at the ranch, BeH said:
>
>*makes note: get onto tele.dk to see if alf posts are there*
Would I lie...?
BeH
BeH
>I don't have your email address so I can send it to you and I'm not
>reposting it...
I see...
(It's like that, is it? hrmpf)
BeH
BeH
>Maybe.
Hrmpf!
BeH