AID News for Apr 1 2004

[aid...@aidindia.org]

AID News for Thu Apr 1 2004

AID News for Thu Apr 1, 2004
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AID News for Thu Apr 1, 2004
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening,
Today's Headlines
1) Yet another year goes by
2) Chapter news
3) NGO News
4) India news
5) AID-wide Workshop announcements
6) Chalo Austin
7) Le Divorce
8) An unusual disclaimer
1) Yet another year goes by
So we have gone around the sun once again and reached that really
unspectacular date. This date some 7 years ago, we made a pledge. A
pledge to use this medium to bring some frustration to anyone
interested. We have managed to keep this pledge with our usual
lethargy and inefficiency.
This year again we managed to keep the circulation list below 1000.
This time around, we did not have to do much work. We just made
ourselves so inefficient, that no one is really interested in
reading AID News anymore. So people just lost interest in asking
their friends to join AID News. In fact, I am sure most of you wont
even reach this point.
We are pleased to say we have no other achievements this year :-)
This is after all official DOB of AID News. The actual DOB does not
really matter.
Please note the use of the royal we.
2) Chapter news
a) Outsourcing scandal at College Park
College park, April 1: A small but not insignificant scandal was
unearthed today at the AID college park chapter, involving many
other chapters. It has come to our attention that certain
individuals of college park have been complicit in a scheme to
outsource AID work to India. Alarmingly, the loss of volunteers
such as Sanoj Marnathan, Mashwin Ahesh, Avishankar Rarunachalam who
are back in India and have taken away valuable jobs from College
Park chapter, was noticed only recently. This outsourcing trend is
not new: it all started with the relocation of volunteers such as
GG, Kavi Ruchimanchi and Pravinda Aillamari. Will this outsourcing
affect volunteer growth? Will more potential volunteers end up
finding spare time for movies, partying and other unsustainable
unholistic activities? Keep reading AID News for the latest
updates!
b) AID JHU announces massive layoffs
Baltimore, April 1: In an unpresidented move, the AID JHU
president Birveek Nattacharje announced the layoff of about half a
dozen volunteers [names withheld to protect identity], reducing the
size of the organization by 50%. When asked about the reasons for
this suprise move, he replied, ``[...] this was a necessary
downsizing of our organization so that we can more closely reflect
our approach towards a sustainable, efficient and holistic
development organization. We cannot continue to tolerate these
narrowminded <censored> bigots in the name of democracy''. It
remains to be seen whether this surprise move will precipitate the
development towards a totalitarian regime.
c) AID LA (D) is looking for volunteers
Having misplaced or laid off its older volunteers, AID LA (D) is
now looking for them as well as any others brave enough to travel
its roads to attend meetings. Any and all are welcome. Just apply
and you will be accepted. If that does not happen, I will eat my
words.
(If you are wondering about the (D) it stands for defunct, dormant,
...)
3) NGO News
Barmada Nachao Andolan announces request to move to Mars.
Barmada Valley, April 1: Setting all rumors to rest, the BNA
officially declared it has been asked to move all the project
affected families to Mars. There seems to be a lot of land
available there. This is an alternative to moving to Dakshin
Gangotri, where there is a lot of water (though frozen).
It may be noted that the recent discovery of water on Mars has
prompted many human rights groups (especially the Interplanetary
Water Commission) to consider what needs to be done about Mars.
When asked whether the BNA would also migrate there, the BNA
spokesperson replied, ``What will we do there? We have to fight the
government on other issues.'' Appropriate technologies institutes
all over India have already come forward with helping building a
spaceship to Mars.
ISRO warns of technical difficulties in Mars decision:
ISRO has warned that the proposed space program will run into some
``technical difficulties'', considering the insistence by GONGOs that
the spaceship fuel must be completely indigenous and manure-based.
Because of the unwieldy nature of manure, they have suggested using
gaseous emissions instead of solid waste. An additional advantage
of this will be to keep journalists and other curious onlookers
from getting too close to the launch site.
4) India news
a) Quantum mechanics chapter found in Vedic scripture
Benares, April 1 : The Association for Proving that Hindus
Discovered Everything (APHDE) has claimed that they have found a
chapter in an ancient vedic scripture related to quantum mechanics.
The chapter is called ``Chant-Om''. The APHDE spokesperson claimed
that ``this puts a seal on the theory that the hindus discovered
everything, and that the west is only re-inventing the wheel. In
fact, if the vedic american administration hadn't been murdered by
the early American Indian settlers, everyone would be acknowledging
our leadership.'' When asked whether the ancient text contains any
additional insights that are as yet undiscovered, he replied,
``Well, we will know that only when the west discovers more Quantum
truths. Till then we will meditate on our superiority''
b) Government succumbs to environmental activists, agrees to demand
for eco-friendly guns
New Delhi, April 1: As if the fatal risks of war aren't enough,
guns have been reported to have other environmental and health
hazards. Environmental activists heaved a sigh of relief when the
Indian government agreed to their demands for eco-friendly guns for
the soldiers at the border. High on their recent victory, they
have announced an movement for eco-friendly bullets and ammunition.
5) AID-wide Workshop announcements
Workshops on coining appropriate abbreviations (WOCAA)
Consider this: A group of you and your friends, are thinking of
parting ways with the ``means are united with ends'' policy of many
AID-ers, and want to form your own group. Are you going to call
it: Association for Development, by Hook Or Crook (AD-HOC)? BAD
IDEA! How would you make your group's presence felt when all the
good hindi and english names such as india reform, jag nirman,
jagriti, are taken? Attend this workshop on coining appropriate
abbreviations for your group, or sub-group, or sub-sub-group, or
NGO/GONGO.
Extra! Extra!
A special interest petition has been filed by the technical
committees of all technical interest groups that the WOCAA have a
special session on how to do the same for abbreviations. There will
be representatives from all major and minor technical religions
(oops fields) to dicuss on a simplified and unified way of coming
up with abbreviations to avoid confusion about whether AM means -
ante meridiem, amplitude modulation, alpha male, ...
6) Chalo Austin
I guess in about 8 weeks, it will be time for the annual roundup.
Time to figure out how many AID volunteers are still left, who have
been recently added to the family and so on. What better state to
do this than Texas and what better city than its capital - Austin.
So folks, giddeyup, get ready for the AID Conference - version 6.0
(or is it v2k4). Bookings are currently open.
I have not been asked to do this but I felt I should point some of
the Miller Lite highlights of Austin. Let's see its capitol is
supposed to larger/taller than the one in DC and I believe the
largest/tallest in US. Well as they say everything is
better/bigger/larger/taller in Texas. Not that you will be going
around Austin or anything. You are there to be herded and counted
and not go wandering around.
The other nice thing about Austin, it will be hot (so for all those
currently going through the cold winter, there is something to look
forward to). Of course given the previous history of AID
Conferences, people in hot climates currently, it is possible we
will have ice-cold rooms for you to sit in. In that case, please be
sure to bring along enough clothing to survive.
7) Le Divorce
After a lot of thinking and beating around the bush, I have decided
it is time for me and AID News to get divorced. It is not that I
have strayed or found other interests in life. It is just that I
have found that I do not have the same enthusiasm as before for AID
News. I guess I have become jaded by the pleasures of editing AID
News for so long. I guess you could call it the ``7 year itch''.
However I cannot entirely give up on AID News, so I will remain as
the Chairman of AID News, Inc. There will be a minor
re-organisation of course. But don't worry it is all in safe hands.
We have decided to promote one of the contributors to AID News to a
full fledged editor. In case you did not notice, the last AID News
was actually ghostwritten for me by Arun Sripati of AID JHU. If you
find any of the articles in today's AID News particulary offensive,
please be sure to congratulate him. It is likely it is his. I think
he is likely to be funnier than me and am sure you won't miss me.
I would like to take this oppurtunity to thank all readers for
their comments and support during those troublesome initial years.
I won't exactly say that you have made it easier or better but you
certainly kept me on my toes.
Who knows maybe in a couple of years, I can come out of retirement
like Jordan (I knew there was someway I could compare myself to him
:-)
Adios, Adieu, Sayonara, Hasta la vista, Goodbye, ...
8) An unusual disclaimer
If you've got this far, then chances are you don't have problems
with AID News anyway! :)
In case you haven't guessed from the content, almost the entire
news and views expressed in this edition are completely
uncorrelated with reality. Any resemblance to people dead or alive
is purely intentional (or is it unintentional. However, all the
content is meant in jest, so don't sue us. AID News will not be
responsible for any mental damage you have incurred as a result.
So as mentioned above, not all the news is unreal. It is left as an
exercise to the reader to figure out what is true and what is not.
That's all folks and may the fun be with you.
Just Another Quote
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Everybody is somebody's weirdo.
(Contributed by Arun)
P.S. The AID News archives are available at AID News website
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P.P.S. Please visit the AID News site for more details on addition,
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aid...@aidindia.org
P.P.P.S. Access articles quoted in AID News: AID News Links Page
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P.P.P.P.S. Disclaimers - The views expressed in AID News, including
disclaimers, are not necessarily those of AID. Chapter, BoD or EB
decisions are sometimes conveyed in AID News. The views of the
editor do not necessarily reflect those of AID and the views
expressed by others do not necessarily reflect those of the editor.

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