Essay / thesis discussion - week of 12/17

[brook...@gmail.com]

Hey guys I have my thesis here, wondering if anyone can give me some criticism on it

Of all the world famous, prominent, and inspiring musicians of the 60's and beyond, there have been few to go against the grain like one American poet. Bob Dylan's lyrics and innovative style of music changed the way America thought about extensive social, political, philosophical controversies.

I feel like it's a little too vague... ideas? thanks

[Orion Farr]

Does that ending count as a 3-part thesis? Davis doesn't want us to have those in our if it is.

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[Orion Farr]

Are the 6 points leading to my thesis too descriptive?

Setting up camp on the moon can help achieve six major exploration themes that NASA has had a focus on: colonization, scientific advancement, exploration preparation, global partnerships, economic expansion, and public literacy. Going back to the moon would realize those goals as well as test the limits of human ingenuity. Thus, the United States of America should spearhead the missions to return to and eventually colonize the moon, in order to secure it as a foundation for future efforts to achieve an updated version of its manifest destiny.

 

[stephen.voc]

I think you have a good start here, Henri.  You're ideas are actually pretty clear to me at least, and that's one of the most important parts to writing it.  One suggestion I have is to possibly change "inspiring" to "inspirational"??  Also, maybe change "there have been few..." to "few have been able to..." Not entirely sure if this helps but I hope it does.

[stephen.voc]

Orion,
I like how you state the points leading to the thesis using the colon.  However, I don't think you necessarily need to state them all in order to not reveal everything you're going to talk about in the essay.  I would say that "Setting up camp on the moon can help achieve specific goals for NASA that include, but are not limited to, ..." and then pick like two or three.  You can talk about the others in the bodies, but you don't have to give away all your surprises.  I hope this helps?

[isabella.cuan]

I completely agree with Stephen. I am not sure that listing them is the right way to go about it because there are so many to include. However, maybe you can combine several themes under a few general topics and that way you don't completely limit yourself when writing the paper in its entirety. Other than that, I think it sounds really good! 

[isabella.cuan]

Again, I agree with Stephen and the changes he thinks you should make! Also, since you thought it was maybe too vague, I think you could expand the last sentence...maybe adding how he established a foundation for future artists (not sure if this is correct, but it was the first thing to pop into my head!) You have a very good basis like Stephen said, so you could add a few more details and maybe adjectives (ex. ...perpetually/undoubtedly changed the way...) and you should be good to go! Hope this helps! 

[Orion Farr]

awesome, thanks!

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[Dylan Panicucci]

I am just going to post everything I have so far after today.  Feel free to rip it apart, comment, make suggestions etc.  Thanks

     Music is an integral part of everyone’s lives. People are defined by the music they listen to. It is one of the oldest, and can be one of the most beautiful art forms to exist. From its humble beginnings, music has matured and developed into numerous and varied styles. It is a universal language. It can dictate a person’s feelings or be dictated by a person’s feelings. It has survived and thrived for so many years, until now. For the past couple of years there has been an appalling degradation of music. It is not the artists’ faults. The music industry is to blame for this heinous crime. It produces artists that do not deserve to be artists. The corruption has considerably ruined a once widely respected and appreciated art. Today the music industry is nothing more than a greedy, power-hungry, and negligent abomination. Anyone with a pretty face and a synthesizer can become a star. The corporations try to milk every penny they can out of the consumer, and the people remain enslaved to the industry, in a fog of ignorance. The popular music today is superficial and talentless, while true talent and artists are cast aside and outdated.

     Bad things are bound to happen when a company is fueled solely by monetary gain. What the music companies do is find a personality, someone who they believe can be a star. They have them perform a garbage single. It goes viral. They become famous and popular, and the company rakes in the cash. That is all the industry cares about. They will produce something that they know is terrible (how could they not?), but it does not bother them as long as they make money. The consumer is not given quality material or service, but they do not even realize it. When all people have known their entire life is the popular trash in circulation today, how they can possibly realize it lacks the talent, emotion, and message of earlier works?

[sian.barry]

My research paper is on the negative international image of America... obviously I don't hate America, I moved here, I live here, I like it here. But for the purpose of this paper though it would be funny to take something sacred like "God bless America" and make it extremely sarcastic and portray all the negative things about America, but I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT! It just doesn't fit in anywhere in my introduction... suggestions! feel free to comment, edit, help!

God bless stupidity, arrogance, and patriotism. God bless reality television, George W. Bush, and McDonald’s. God bless all that is red, white, and blue. God bless the country that won’t mind its own business. God bless a population of corpulence and crass. God bless life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. God bless America.  

American football, McDonald’s, George W. Bush, an annoying accent; this is what America is known for. Although these disparaging generalizations may seem harsh, this nation’s track record in the past century has been one for both Americans and non-Americans to annotate. Before the 20^th century, there was a time when America was appreciated as the safeguard of democracy; as a center of power and prestige. However, as time progress, perceptions change. The United States is a country that has been belittled by its international audience into a constant reminder of what not to be. As the epitome of westernization, America’s positive attributes fall behind the Broadway curtain, overshadowed and repressed by the apparent negativities that are showcased in their current social, political, and cultural endeavors. The fatality begins with an absence of self-realization for what their transnational reputation has become. Resultantly, stereotypes started to emerge. While most are fallacious by nature, their tendency to withstand the test of time gives them an air of truth. It seems that America is becoming increasingly unaware of its global conduct and external image, but in reality, the development of these pigeonholes must hold some sort of personal accountability to the country as a whole. Although regarded with merit for their superpower status and high moral standards, the United States, from an international perspective, has obtained a negative connotation to its name because of its political hypocrisy and acquired social ignorance, augmented by a lack of consideration for its tarnished reputation. Ultimately, this has fueled an army of critics to endorse antagonistic feelings towards the archetypically “arrogant”, “overweight” and “trigger-happy” American, making their character, culture and country perpetual subjects of denunciation.   

[mdsaba1126]

Sian,

I read through your introduction and after thinking about it, I think it might be better to take that section and put it at the end of your conclusion instead. It would be a good way to tie the whole essay back to your introduction. That section would probably do better to close your argument rather than to introduce your topic because without knowledge of the purpose of your essay it can be taken out of context. I hope this helps.

[sian.barry]

Thanks Matt, That was really helpful, Kathy said the same thing to me when i was asking her to read it! But i think thats a really good idea! Gracias!

[elizabeth.smith.24]

So I'm just going to post what I have so far... feel free to comment, make changes, rip it apart, etc!

Each year, approximately 4 million babies are born in the United States, but not all of them are born into affluent, safe communities. These unfortunate children often suffer throughout childhood and are forced to endure beatings as well as other unthinkable acts.  Even if a child is born into opportune family, it is still possible that he or she could have troubles within the family that may cause that child to have future dilemmas. If a family has several children, it is easy for a child to feel left out when siblings are receiving praise or attention, which could possibly have the potential to lead to extreme sibling rivalries. Children who are not exposed to the thought-provoking and success-encouraging environments that certain households provide may not develop skills which are essential in later life. Those who are continuously exposed to drugs and abuse or are not as well protected as others will have a much harder time in the real world as adults, possibly following their parents down a path of addiction and complication.  If parents had to take a test to prove their ability to take care of not only themselves, but a also child, there would be significantly fewer beaten, hungry, and lonely children in the world. A simple test that checks the background, family, and financial stability of a couple could considerably limit the number of children taken in by foster care and cases where the Division of Youth and Family Services or Welfare must intervene. Licenses and tests are often mandatory for everyday things, such as driving or teaching, which can often be considered less important than raising a child.  Every day, children are born into families who do not have the sufficient money and means that are necessary to raise a child in a safe and happy environment where they will be encouraged to set and achieve goals in order to lead a healthy and successful life. The beatings, poverty, and horrible home and family life that thousands of children bear witness to each and every day can be prevented by requiring hopeful or expecting parents to take a test in order to make sure they have a safe environmental and financial future in order to provide the best for their future child.

 

Paragraph I- Role a parent plays in a child’s life- bad influences

Paragraph II- Licensing for everything else??? (teach, have a dog, hunt, fish)

Paragraph II- Abuse and addiction in households (gluing children’s hands to walls)

            Baby left in 110 degree car while mom at work

            Not having a mom/dad because they are in jail

Paragraph III- Extreme family size and effects (ex. Duggers)

            Not getting a lot of attention

Paragraph IV-  Adoption v having your own

            Adoption takes years while anyone can have a baby

            Put a baby up for adoption if you don’t want it

On Monday, December 17, 2012 7:08:25 PM UTC-5, brook...@gmail.com wrote:

[elizabeth.smith.24]

I agree with Stephen, especially if you already talked about these points prior to your thesis- I feel like it would get very redundant since you will have a paragraph or so on each of the points also. 

On Monday, December 17, 2012 8:45:28 PM UTC-5, orionfarr wrote:

[elizabeth.smith.24]

Dylan-

I think you have a good start here, and I really like your ideas but all of your sentences are a little short for my taste. Maybe combine a few of them to make it flow a little better? Also, maybe be a little more specific and change up the vocabulary sometimes (for example you use they a few times in the second paragraph, which isn't a bad thing but possibly change some of the theys to either the music industry or the artist?) 

[Dylan Panicucci]

Thanks Elizabeth.  I see where you are coming from, I use they way too much.

[merstriolo]

Hey, was wondering how to do an in text citation of a video. One of my sources is a critic talking about censorship, but if i quote him,  I'm not sure if I should just write his last name in the parenthesis, or if there is other information needed.

[merstriolo]

Well, I have mixed feelings about featuring all of those topics in your intro. I think that you should either remove all of them, or keep all of them, because, if for example we were talking about Romney's plan, and you wanted to introduce it as his 5-point plan, you cant just tell us 3. If it is understood that NASA has six clear cut themes, then you should keep all of them so then you aren't introducing the key points abruptly later on. On the contrary, you could omit all of the themes from your intro and divide them up in your body paragraphs, just leaving that "camp on the moon can help achieve the major exploration themes that NASA has focused on," so that you aren't exposing everything, but the reader has an understanding that you are going to be talking about the goals of NASA.
Also, if you are going to keep all of your points, "realize" isn't exactly the term you're looking for there, perhaps: recognize?

On Monday, December 17, 2012 8:45:28 PM UTC-5, orionfarr wrote:

Are the 6 points leading to my thesis too descriptive?

Setting up camp on the moon can help achieve six major exploration themes that NASA has had a focus on: colonization, scientific advancement, exploration preparation, global partnerships, economic expansion, and public literacy. Going back to the moon would realize those goals as well as test the limits of human ingenuity. Thus, the United States of America should spearhead the missions to return to and eventually colonize the moon, in order to secure it as a foundation for future efforts to achieve an updated version of its manifest destiny.

 

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[Ben Skalla]

Here is my introduction for my research paper.  I am arguing that professional athletes, musicians, actors are payed fairly.  All comments and recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

The United States of America is based on the principles of a capitalistic, free market economy.  In other words, the cost of a good or service is determined by the economic model of supply and demand.  A low supply and high demand will cause higher prices, whereas a high supply and low demand will cause prices to drop.  This type of system produces unequal social classes.  Furthermore, the supply and demand of occupations can greatly vary, causing a wide variety of incomes.  Thus, capitalism explains the extraordinarily high earnings of professional athletes and other people in the entertainment business.  By comparison, many individuals who serve our communities in arguably more important ways, such as teachers, firemen, and soldiers, receive a much lower salary.  This brings about a questioning of priorities in American culture, because many people believe that these workers deserve better compensation.  Despite the discrepancy, no one is limited in terms of how much money he or she is permitted to make, and some professions typically acquire significantly more money than others.   If salaries were decided by the importance of an occupation’s role in society, then it would be reasonable to question the amount of money earned by those involved in entertainment.  However, what can, and probably should, be questioned however, are the values of Americans.  The 2012 Super Bowl currently stands as the most-watched television event in American history, almost triple that of the most recent presidential inauguration, which shows how much America stresses the entertainment industry.   At first glance, the salaries of athletes and individuals in the entertainment business may seem astronomically high, but with further evaluation, their compensation is determined by the value that society places on their talents and abilities.

 

[mdsaba1126]

Doug,

This is from Purdue Owl:

"Include the name of the director, the distributor, and the release year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use the abbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate medium of publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc). 

Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD."

Hope this helps

[mdsaba1126]

Heres my thesis, I am not sure if it is specific enough to my topic. Wondering if anyone has any ideas or criticism.

Today, many Americas consider the death penalty and Euthanasia almost the same thing, the unfair taking of someone’s life. So what really is the difference between euthanasia and the death penalty and why the sudden change in policy and opinion? 

I define both euthanasia and the death penalty prior to this and I go into some history after. 

On Monday, December 17, 2012 7:08:25 PM UTC-5, brook...@gmail.com wrote:

[Randy May]

Hi guys this is my thesis, feel free to criticize it and make corrrections and suggestions, Thanks!

 

 As a country, we need to get back to a culture where the ideals fostered at home and school remind the youth of America that they are a part of something bigger than just themselves. In fact, these kids need a strong country behind them, which does not push them to the pale of society or waits for them to reach their psychological breakdown, but rather accepts them and gives them help to prevent the “inevitable snap.”

 

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[Ben Skalla]

Dylan, I was thinking the same things as Elizabeth. Many of the sentences in your first paragraph begin with "It."  However, I thought your message was very clear, which was good.  Maybe try saying "The artists are not at fault." You could also try combining sentences as Elizabeth said. Great job so far! 

[Liz Anderson]

I really like your topic!! You effectively used the analogy of supply and demand which really helped your paper come together! I agree with your thesis, in that these athletes are paid by how they are perceived by society, and what their net worth is considered to be. 

[Mikaela Litchfield]

Matt,

I like your thesis, I'm just confused on your topic, maybe because the sentence is out of context. Is your paper comparing the two and are you for them or against them? Maybe you should make that more clear in the thesis!

[Dylan Panicucci]

Hey this is my second page. Any kind of feedback on it would be great. Does anyone know how to do in text citations for lyrics? Thanks. Sorry in advance if you like Justin Bieber.


Bad things are bound to happen when a company is fueled solely by monetary gain. What the music companies do is find a personality, someone who they believe can be a star. They have them perform a garbage single. It goes viral. They become famous and popular, and the company rakes in the cash. That is all the industry cares about. They will produce something that they know is terrible (how could they not?), but it does not bother them as long as they make money. The consumer is not given quality material or service, but they do not even realize it. When all people have known their entire life is the popular trash in circulation today, how they can possibly realize it lacks the talent, emotion, and message of earlier works? Take Justin Bieber for example. He was a young teenage boy from Canada who showed some talent in his YouTube videos. His future manager Scooter Braun discovered him, and the rest is history. However, what has Bieber contributed to the music world? Basically the entire reason he became popular was because of his boyish teenage looks. One of his first singles was titled “Baby”. It consists of him repeating “baby” over and over again in a voice that would make anyone cringe. Of course, Bieber Fever is not far off from Beatle Mania, but The Beatles actually had something to say. Plus the Beatles actually played instruments. During their popularity, America was in turmoil. Soldiers were fighting in Vietnam, and the anti-war movement was at its height. One of the songs they wrote in 1967 was entitled “All You Need Is Love”. One line goes, “No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy. All you need is love, all you need is love…” This song calls for peace, individuality, and claims anything can be accomplished with a little love. Is this not more meaningful than, “And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh”? Unfortunately though, true artists; revolutionaries are not popular among the masses anymore. The industry should not be producing thoughtless music, but rather pushing for continued appreciation of the greats. During this present time there has been a total death of rock and roll. Besides The Beatles, there is The Who, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. These are all extremely talented and influential groups who all have their own messages and yet are extremely underappreciated by today’s youth. The industry bombards people with these teen pop idols because they are “hot”. The industry cannot make money off of these “old”, “washed-up” guys anymore so they are cast off.

[Orion Farr]

A return to the moon today will not mean simply a brief visit, but a long duration excursion. Setting up camp on the moon can help achieve major exploration themes that NASA has had a focus on that were not limited to: colonization, scientific advancement, and economic expansion. Going back to the moon would realize those goals as well as test the limits of human ingenuity. Half a century ago a nation promised to the world to land on the moon before the technology was even invented to do so. Today the technology and willpower exists, thus, the United States of America should spearhead the missions to return to and eventually colonize the moon, in order to secure it as a foundation for future world-wide efforts in its efforts to bring about its manifest destiny.

Thanks, I decided to remove the "6" plans, and just include "not limited to etc"

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[Dylan Panicucci]

Matt

I have the same thoughts as Mikaela.  Are you for or against the legalization of the death penalty or euthanasia?  Also, are you going to talk of the previous policy and opinions people held at the start of the intro (I am assuming you did)?

[Orion Farr]

Are you allows to have 1st person? "We"
I would use the United States should...

On Thu, Dec 20, 2012 at 5:55 PM, Randy May <rjm...@gmail.com> wrote:

we

[Dylan Panicucci]

Ben

I like the intro and how you blame the American society for the extremely high payment of those in entertainment. I did notice that you put however twice in the same sentence.

[stephen.voc]

Hello all,
This is my intro. Please edit/give feedback!  I am particularly concerned about the statement that starts: "Toys R Us, Walmart, Target: ..."  I'm not sure if there should be a colon or a dash.  Does anyone know? Thanks :)
     As America grows economically, citizens across the nation are becoming more accustomed to spending vast amounts of money on superfluous items.  This consumerism is the driving force that chain retailers and small business owners alike rely on in order to keep the cash flowing at all times, leading to a healthier economy and a higher standard of living.  Although retail may keep the economic aspect of society healthy, the Superman-infested, Barbie-ridden aisles of retail toy stores across the nation reveal a much darker side of America.  Toys R Us, Walmart, and Target: all of these stores have designated sections with merchandise for children.  By standing at the front of any one of these businesses,  one can easily witness the beginnings to one of the most detrimental aspects of American society along the divide of all things blue and pink.  Gender roles.  Children are influenced to believe that they must only purchase toys from the side of the store that society has deemed appropriate for them to shop in.  This initial limitation commences a chain reaction of conformity; adolescence and adulthood both pose pressures to act stereotypically masculine or feminine, and anyone who does not follow is subjected to cruelty.  Thus, the little girl who happens to enjoy playing with Tonka Trucks is shunned; the teenage boy who wants to put on makeup is deemed a freak.  This disturbing aspect of society is so common that it is often overlooked, preserving a never-ending cycle of normalcy by preventing all of its victims from crossing these social boundaries in fear of being ridiculed.  The gender roles that distinguish between masculinity and femininity are both unnecessary in and detrimental to society as a whole, as these stereotypical norms ultimately contribute to hostility towards any person who does not conform, thus suppressing individual identity and self-expression as well as limiting opportunities for societal growth in the process.

[brook...@gmail.com]

Nah, it's just a general statement. Not a three parter.

On Monday, December 17, 2012 8:28:54 PM UTC-5, orionfarr wrote:

Does that ending count as a 3-part thesis? Davis doesn't want us to have those in our if it is.

On Mon, Dec 17, 2012 at 7:08 PM, brook...@gmail.com <brook...@gmail.com> wrote:

Hey guys I have my thesis here, wondering if anyone can give me some criticism on it

Of all the world famous, prominent, and inspiring musicians of the 60's and beyond, there have been few to go against the grain like one American poet. Bob Dylan's lyrics and innovative style of music changed the way America thought about extensive social, political, philosophical controversies.

I feel like it's a little too vague... ideas? thanks

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[brook...@gmail.com]

I'm not sure if I like the idea of it being a question. Kind of unclear. I mean, the topic is clear, but the general idea of a question as a thesis is kind of unprofessional to me.

On Thursday, December 20, 2012 5:41:16 PM UTC-5, mdsaba1126 wrote: