[According To Avi] Close but no cigar

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Apr 29, 2008, 1:00:39 PM4/29/08

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There are few things as hilarious yet painful to me as going to a cigar bar. Underneath the thick smokey air that limits your ability to breathe and borders on being torturous is the sweet smell of pure testosterone. Mmmmmm...nothing like some testosterone to get you going.

While it appears that men are merely sitting on red leather furniture smoking their stogies, they are in fact doing far more than you can imagine.

It all starts when you walk in the door. Say good bye to fresh air and say hello to guys bull shitting all over the place. The reality is that the average guy has no fucking clue about what differentiates a good cigar from a bad cigar, a 5 dollar cigar from a 50 dollar cigar, and a Cuban from a cigar rolled in Chelsea. But no guy would ever dare let anyone catch on to his lack of expertise. Rather, it is at this point that Joe Shmoe is all of a sudden a fucking cigar aficionado. The lingo dropped in the walk in humidor, which no doubt has been ripped from reading a few articles in Maxim or other such magazines, is absolutely hysterical...but most importantly it is all Bull Shit.

Dark, light, mild, sweet, spicy, strong, rich, blaaaaa....Why do we feel the need to act like we know? Like it makes a fucking difference? We all know that we hate the shit...it tastes like crap, hurts our throats, makes us reek like an ash tray, and eventually causes cancer. Yet we feel some manly compulsion...a magnetic attraction that we must go to these places.

While the entire scene is hilarious...there a select few things that are my all time favorite.

There's the above mentioned asshole in the humidor talking about shit he clearly has no idea about, but then there is also the licker, the smeller, and of course the starer.

The Licker - this is the guy that talks a big game in the humidor, enjoys spending entirely too much money on a cigar, and has no issue with salivating all over his tobacco. He nestles in to his chair and begins licking his cigar...like its a fucking Popsicle mind you. I mean I guess I have heard that this is an acceptable thing to do...but come on.

The smeller - this is the guy who smells his cigar for a good 5-10 minutes before even thinking about lighting it. If he could stick it up his nose he would. I want to throw my matches at him and tell him to light the fucking thing already because the longer it takes for you to smoke it, the longer it means I have to sit here and get emphysema.

The Starer - He's your basic douche bag asshole. He lights his cigar and then watches the smoke exiting his mouth. He watches the ash build on the end of the cigar. He turns the cigar, he tilts his head back and he blows smoke in to the filthy air. Like I said....your basic douche bag asshole. Like his smoke is the most amazing thing ever to be put on this earth.

All in all....while it's a nice theory. Cigar bars kind of suck. Cigars make your throat feel like someone poured an empty ash tray down your throat and then ran sand paper over it. I can see why people enjoy the dry, raw feeling and the small lump that develops....its amazing. Not to mention the cancer. Seriously your eyes burn and your lungs cry.