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Barton Ostby
While many couples see remarriage as a second chance at happiness, the statistics tell a different story. According to available Census data, the divorce rate for second marriages in the United States is over 60% compared to around 50% for first marriages.
One explanation is the formation of blended families, which can cause loyalty issues with stepchildren and rivalries between co-parents, but there are many other difficulties and stresses that come with remarrying. A foundation of trust and intimacy is vital to beating the odds.
When people get remarried, they often bring unhealthy relationship patterns and trust issues from their first marriage that can sabotage the new relationship. Sometimes this baggage can cause couples to rush into tying the knot without truly getting to know each other.
It makes sense that a fear of vulnerability can be a real dilemma in a second marriage, yet not expressing our innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes can actually put a relationship more at risk because we lose out on the trust and intimacy that vulnerability offers.
A key issue for remarried couples to address is interpersonal communication. This is especially true when it comes to finances, how to discipline children and stepchildren, personality conflicts in the newly created family, and rivalries between family members.
2. Practice being vulnerable in small steps
Build confidence in being more open with your partner. Discussing minor issues like schedules and meals is a great place to start before tackling bigger matters like disciplining kids or managing finances.
I was married for 16 years and thought that my marriage was going well. Unfortunately, after two kids, who are now 15 and 13, and lots of good moments, my husband announced that he wasn't happy and filed for divorce. This truly caught me by surprise because my ex and I never fought. Initially, I was heartbroken. Then, surprisingly, I met a man six months after the divorce was final, and we are now engaged to be married.
Between the two of us, we have four kids, ages 15, 16, 13, and 11. We have been together for seven months. I am both excited and nervous about getting married again. I am painfully aware that second marriages end in divorce at a higher rate than first marriages. I love being married, but I am not sure that I could survive a second divorce. I would hate to put my kids through another divorce.
I would like to tell you a little bit about the man that I am marrying. He is kind and generous. Like me, he does not like to argue. Nonetheless, he has a difficult relationship with his ex. She calls him frequently and criticizes the way he treats his kids. She says that he spoils them. I have met his ex once, and she seemed very uncomfortable around me. The good news, however, is that she thanked me for being kind to her children. My soon-to-be new husband insisted on meeting my ex. Their meeting went well, and they spoke about the importance of getting along for the sake of the children.
So, with all of this background information, I am hoping that you can help me move into my second marriage in a way that makes it a bit more likely to be successful. I don't want to be a terrible statistic. Please give me any tips that might help all of the adults and children.
It was so wise of you to reach out to increase the likelihood that your second marriage will be successful. You are correct. Second marriages result in a greater number of divorces than first marriages. There are many reasons for this, including the baggage that people bring into second marriages, learning to live with other people's kids, relationships with exes, and even how well the couple knows each other before getting married. Preparation is key.
First, you explain that you and your ex never fought and that both you and your new partner do not like to argue. While fighting and arguing are aversive, discussing areas of conflict is crucial for the success of a relationship. I caution you not to avoid areas of conflict but rather to discuss (as opposed to fighting). If conflict is avoided, resentment builds up over time and can sadly tear a marriage apart.
Second, I hope that you and your new partner are not rushing into a second marriage. Please make sure that you know each other well enough before tying the knot. Marriage, commitment, and four kids are serious business.
Third, you report that your partner's ex-wife is grateful that you are kind to her children. This is wonderful. There is often conflict between parents and stepparents about how to treat the children. Unfortunately, your partner and his ex seem to be in a struggle about how to raise their children. It is very important for them to discuss this and attempt to resolve their struggles.
Perhaps, they would consider going to a therapist together to learn to co-parent effectively. Children are very attuned to their parents' struggles. And, as we both know, happier kids result in a happier marriage. I am delighted that your ex and current partner have met each other and are on the same page about the importance of getting along for the sake of the children. This warms my heart, and I hope that it will also warm your new home.
Fourth, it is important that you and your new husband define your roles with your step-children. It is important that there is mutual respect between the kids and their step-parents. It is crucial that step-parents do not attempt to take over the role of the biological parents. This is a delicate balancing act with the potential for missteps. Everyone needs to tread gingerly and patiently.
It is my hope that after you marry, you continue to check in with each other to evaluate how things are going. This will allow you to make the necessary tweaks. I wish you good luck and years of joy and harmony. Thank you for reaching out.
The Issue: There may be children from that prior marriage. Whereas the thought of your cheating ex-spouse may make you think you will be having a reunion with your lunch, your children are (often) worth suffering the nausea of caring about. Most parents do want to leave some money to their children, but not entirely at the expense of their disenfranchising their second spouse. This issue is compounded when the second spouse also has children from a prior marriage, or where there are additional children between you and Spouse #2. And even more complicating is when the new couple has decided not to get married or have more children together but do want to take care of each other if one of them dies. Needless to say, these circumstances have led to many colorful discussions during many consultations, including yelling, accusations, and way-too-mean looks.
I have been researching this all over, including BenefitsLink, and cannot find a definitive answer. I'm finding dramatically different answers. I'm working with the client's attorney who is doing the client's estate planning before the marriage takes place, and this the one loose end we cannot conclude. Does anyone know and can point to the authority (ERISA, DOL, etc.) with which we can confirm the requirement and the client can not worry? He want's to leave his PS account to his kids, who he named as PS Plan beneficiary after his divorce. Or, he's willing to give his new wife 1/4th. He's opposed to asking her for a release since she blew up when he asked for a pre-nup.
The answer to your question is yes, the spouse *is* the beneficiary with a few exception (does the first wife have a QDRO giving her an interest in the plan balance?). Naming one other than the wife as beneficiary is going to require that she waive her rights to the plan.
Authority can be had, but your best bet is to go to the plan administrator and ask for a beneficiary designation form and instructions - that will tell you what is required for the guy to name his kids.....
Technically, the answer to "Is a husband required to make a new second wife [is there an old second wife?] his profit sharing beneficiary?" is no. In the absence of a QDRO preserving the first wife's status as spouse, any prior beneficiary designations immediately become void upon the participant's remarriage, and the default beneficiary, when there is a spouse, will automatically be the spouse. No action on the part of the participant is required.
If there is any desire to make someone else the beneficiary, it would be necessary for the participant to formally designate that person as the beneficiary, and (irrespective of any prenuptial agreements, which cannot, by themselves, alter the spouse's right to be the beneficiary) for the new spouse to waive her rights under the plan (after the marriage - cannot be done before). If the new spouse is unwilling to do that, you got a problem. If she is going to blow up if asked to waive her rights under the 401(k), then either she will be the beneficiary or she will blow up.
I don't usually work with 401(k) plans. Would the participant be able to pull the assets out of the 401(k) plan (to put them into an IRA, assuming that he can successfully cut her out if it is moved to an IRA) without spousal consent once the marriage takes place? Can't imagine that if there is a successful strategy for doing what the participant wants to do, that it won't involve his new spouse blowing up.
I'm a retirement actuary. Nothing about my comments is intended or should be construed as investment, tax, legal or accounting advice. Occasionally, but not all the time, it might be reasonable to interpret my comments as actuarial or consulting advice.
Absent a pre-nup to the contrary, isn't the overriding presumption that the participant and the new spouse are committed to taking care of each other? If there is no wish to make sure that the second wife is properly provided for, why are they marrying? If the second wife is not in agreement with respect to making sure that the child(ren) from the first marriage are properly provided for (if the participant is so committed), how can the marriage be expected to work?
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