Ch. 1 Script
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Robert Manders
Oct 25, 2010, 11:19:30 PM10/25/10
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The first chapter script has been written. Check it out in Story_Script in the Wiki.
Manders
Tim Guthrie
Nov 3, 2010, 11:29:36 AM11/3/10
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Random bitching! I could very easily be wrong though.
Scene 1
I am not exactly sure why Jack followed the bunny. He just saw it and
decided to follow? Nothing better to do? Does he want to eat it? I
demand answers!
Scene 2
"..your physician"
Don't know if it is just me, but most people seem to use doctor rather
than physician. And I can't spell physician well.
"I suggest, Jack, with all of my heart.."
Dunno just comes off a little weird I think. all of my heart! He is
a doctor, he has no heart. "In my professional opinion..."
"Who else do you treat, farm animals?"
Why farm animals? Wouldn't forest animals make more sense?
"You're a forest animal, I shouldn't even be hearing you"
Kind of odd Jack says he is a forest animal. Does he not know what a
wood chuck looks like?
Scene 2 Post battle
"Do you believe me about yourself?"
Had to read it a couple of times. Something like "Now do you believe
you need help?" seems more understandable. There is probably a better
way to word it.
"the white rabbit is especially go at that."
-> White rabbits are especially good at that
Makes more sense since there isn't one unique white rabbit
Scene 3
"You have gone all the way insane"
Just kinda reads weird to me I guess. Lots of ways to say he has gone
insane though. He snapped, went off the deep end, blew a microchip
ect.
"So close to avoiding him"
-> "We were so close to avoiding him!" maybe?
"We'll have to be careful"
doesn't it make more sense as "We have to be careful". I mean the
bear is attacking them now.
Scene 1
I am not exactly sure why Jack followed the bunny. He just saw it and
decided to follow? Nothing better to do? Does he want to eat it? I
demand answers!
Scene 2
"..your physician"
Don't know if it is just me, but most people seem to use doctor rather
than physician. And I can't spell physician well.
"I suggest, Jack, with all of my heart.."
Dunno just comes off a little weird I think. all of my heart! He is
a doctor, he has no heart. "In my professional opinion..."
"Who else do you treat, farm animals?"
Why farm animals? Wouldn't forest animals make more sense?
"You're a forest animal, I shouldn't even be hearing you"
Kind of odd Jack says he is a forest animal. Does he not know what a
wood chuck looks like?
Scene 2 Post battle
"Do you believe me about yourself?"
Had to read it a couple of times. Something like "Now do you believe
you need help?" seems more understandable. There is probably a better
way to word it.
"the white rabbit is especially go at that."
-> White rabbits are especially good at that
Makes more sense since there isn't one unique white rabbit
Scene 3
"You have gone all the way insane"
Just kinda reads weird to me I guess. Lots of ways to say he has gone
insane though. He snapped, went off the deep end, blew a microchip
ect.
"So close to avoiding him"
-> "We were so close to avoiding him!" maybe?
"We'll have to be careful"
doesn't it make more sense as "We have to be careful". I mean the
bear is attacking them now.
kWhittington
Nov 4, 2010, 12:31:05 AM11/4/10
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Manders, are you going to be at the meeting on Fri?
supa...@gmail.com
Nov 4, 2010, 12:32:05 AM11/4/10
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I don't see why I wouldn't be.
Manders
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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