kinda funny/kinda stoopid
Jeremy Ross
August 31, 2005
WASHINGTON, DC-A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme
Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict
constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion
bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie
proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling
the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes.
When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S.
Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and
bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the
genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document
whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and
changing social context."
Jeremy Ross
Scalia Goes On Abortion Bender After Being Passed Over For Chief
Justice
September 21, 2005 | Issue 41·38
NORFOLK, VA-Saying "Fuck this shit, I'm stopping beating hearts with
my bare hands," Justice Antonin Scalia, overlooked for the vacated
position of Supreme Court chief justice, went on a spiteful
abortion-performing bender over the weekend. "If I'm not going to be
permitted a lasting judicial legacy, to hell with law and order," said
Scalia, the conservative Reagan appointee who has served on the court
since 1986. "I worked my ass off for 20 years, and no one cares. So,
who gives a shit? Safe, legal abortions for all. Who wants one?" Scalia
added that 2000 presidential candidate Al Gore "totally won that
election, any idiot knows that."
Abby Van Deerlin wrote:
> This is why I'm president of the Jeremy Ross Fan Club. Now if he would
> only bump the restraining order back down to 50 feet...