Stalled

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Stalled (yet again)

Toilet Paper Facts According to a 1999 survey by the Scott Paper Company:   * You can gauge a person's education by whether they read in the bathroom.   * More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and doctorates read in the stall.   * Only one in two high school grads read while in the bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.   * Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.   * Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)   * More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.   What does all this mean? It means we Americans don't have anything better to think about than wiping our ass.     Stalled I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:   "Hi, how are you?"   I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"   And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"   What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"   At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.   Can I come over to your place after while?   Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.   I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"   Then I hear the guy say nervously...   "LISTEN, I'll have to call you back.   There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"     A List of Dumps The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.   The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's toler­ance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accom­panied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.   The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.   The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 tele­phone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.   The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.   The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.   The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to dis­cover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?

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