Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road (Updated)?
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies , knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution paradigm.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
BUDDHA: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place anyway?"
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road...
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES (Monty Python style): And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, ...and there was much rejoicing.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
PLATO: For the greater good.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road...it transcended it.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!
TEACHER: To get to the other side.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
The New Hen Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.
"What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster!
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel being a hen?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can" said the rooster.
Harry clucked twice, and pushed with all his might and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow," Harry said "that feels much better!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry! Wake up. You're pooping all over the bed!"
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