Need some feedback on a couple of paragraphs

[samcarter45]

I'm thinking I need to say this differently. These are the last two
paragraphs of my fanfic
piece. The main characters have just told the secondary characters
some important news and have asked them not to tell anyone else on
the
ship. I was happy when I first wrote it, but now think it sounds
corny. Could you tell me what you think? Thanks. (If it needs to be in
a more specific thread, let me know. I tried putting it in the idea
bounce thread, and I think it got lost.)

( “You’ve pretty much echoed my thoughts on the matter as well,”
stated Everett. “We decided to trust you with this because you have
all been a tremendous support to us for the last few days. The next
few months will not be easy, but we will have opportunities to
explore
that no other people from Earth have had, and I know we can do this
if
we stick together. He put his hand on top of Melissa’s and asked,
“So, what do we say, are we together?”
Mac was the first one to put his hand on top of theirs. He was
then followed by Scott, Greer, TJ, Chloe, and Eli, and the whole
group
said, “Together!!” As the other six were leaving, Melissa’s heart
soared knowing that they had begun the bonds of a family.)

[smwentum]

it sounds fine to me, but it is hard to put in context without the
rest of the story.

[ElainePhillips]

On Dec 12, 2:13 pm, samcarter45 <samcarte...@gmail.com> wrote:

It sounds good overall, but I would change "you have all", to "you all
have".

The sencetnce after that one is a bit long, you might waht to break it
up into two sentences. The last part of that sentence should be it's
own, and you might want to say, "By sticking together I know that we
can get through this." The other way makes it sound as if he is not
too sure they will.

The part where they put their hands on top of eachother could be a bit
different. If I already know these charachters from before in the
story and know that they are all there you could just say, "Mac was
the fist to put his hand on top of theirs as the rest followed.
Smiling at eachother the group shouted, 'Together!' "

It does not have to exactly be like that but something along those
lines would be my suggestion. Good Luck!!!