The Remote Patrol: 4/17-19: Fire Clint Black, Already!
Thomas Heald, Esquire
by Thomas Allen Heald, Esquire
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings
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TOM'S TOTALLY TWISTED TV TRIVIA THINGY
Zac Effron is to "High School Musical" as Matthew Perry is to:
A) "Anna Lee"
B) "Joey"
C) "Lucky Luke"
D) "Roxie"
E) "Sydney"
Find out next time on The Price is Right.
FRIDAY
8 p.m.
"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS" (Nickelodeon) discusses Sir Mix-a-Lot's
disturbing advances with Jack Kahuna Laguna (special guest star Johnny
Depp).
8:30 p.m.
"NOW" (PBS) thinks you care about food and water supplies (with which to
dip your tea bags).
9 p.m.
The Petrelli brothers are reunited with their evil mother on "PRISON
BREAK: WE SHOULDA BEEN A HARPER'S ISLAND-ESQUE MINISERIES" (Fox).
"UNTAMED ALASKA" (Discovery): More than just Levi Johnston.
10 p.m.
"STRANGER AMONG BEARS" (Animal Planet) meets someone just waiting to be
Roy Horn-ed.
"THE FIRST COLUMBINE" (WE), the angels did say, was across from a
playground, from garage she did sleigh.
TALK TALK
* Tavis throws his weight around with Sgt. Juan Luis Alcivar.
* Real Time with Bill Maher is taking the night off for a repeat with
Joe the Plumber.
* Dave throws his phone at Russell Crowe and Joe Wong.
* Jay throws a three pointer toward Charles Barkley and Leslie Mann.
* Jimmy Kimmel throws up with six-year-old genius Pranav Veera and
Pete Yorn.
* Craig throws his voice (poorly) toward Jessica Lange, Tom Lennon,
and Martina McBride.
* Jimmy Fallon throws a hissy fit over Matthew Perry, Adam Goldberg,
and Plain White T's.
* Last Call throws away the blue cards for Ben Harper & Relentless7.
SATURDAY
8 p.m.
Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange go for the Emmy in "GREY GARDENS"
(HBO), as aristocratic lesser Kennedy's living in squalor.
Heather Locklear and Billy Ray Cyrus wish someone would actually star in
"FLYING BY" (Lifetime Movie Network).
Macaulay Culkin is left Castle Alone and faces off against the Wet
Philistines on "KINGS" (NBC).
9 p.m.
"NANNY 911" (CMT) returns with new episodes on the Childrearing 'Midst
Trailerparks channel.
SUNDAY
7 p.m.
"DONALD TRUMP's 2009 MISS USA PAGEANT" (NBC) celebrates the new advances
in hybrid breast technology.
8 p.m.
Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence do the romcom thing in "MY FAKE
FIANCÉ" (ABC Family). Whoa!
Anne Hathaway guests on "THE SIMPSONS" (Fox) as the girl everyone falls
for, while Lisa enters Prozac Nation.
"Our Parents Will Cry Themselves to Death" on "THE AMAZING RACE" (CBS).
Nancy Grace can't wait for "THE NATALEE HOLLOWAY STORY" (Lifetime Movie
Network), brought to you by the Aruba Tourism Bureau and a grant from
the Grant T. and Catherine D. Girls Gone Wild Foundation.
8:30 p.m.
TELE-GEBRA
"Arrested Development" + "Welcome Back Kotter" x "Home Movies" = "SIT
DOWN, SHUT UP" (Fox).
9 p.m.
Christopher Lloyd and David James Elliott gather the "KNIGHTS OF
BLOODSTEEL" (Sci Fi) to prevent Valdemort from killing Harry.
Morgan Webb investigates indie horror movies with Rob Zombie on "G4
UNDERGROUND (G4/Tech TV).
A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE
"FAMILY GUY" (Fox) legalizes pot. Kevin Nealon sold separately.
"RON WHITE" (Comedy Central) wastes an hour.
"LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT" (USA) returns with tales or murder,
blackmail, and for some reason annoying plugs for the YouTube video of
Susan Boyle's reality show audition.
TELE-GEBRA
"Schindler's List" + Mother Teresa x "The Andy Griffith Show" =
"Hallmark Hall of Fame's THE COURAGEOUS HEART OF IRENA SENDLER" (CBS),
starring Anna Paquin, Marcia Gay Harden, and Goran Visnjic also star in
this “Hallmark Hall of Fame” production.
Piers Morgan returns as Trump's mole on "THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE" (NBC).
10 p.m.
Mary McCormack comes down with post-traumatic stress disorder from
watching a mashup of Fox News Channel's Tea Bagging party scored with
Isaac Hayes "South Park" song "Chocolate Salty Balls" ... all in "IN
PLAIN SIGHT's" (USA) second season opener
QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS
Zac Effron is to "High School Musical" as Matthew Perry is to ...
"Sydney," a bomb of a CBS series where he was the younger brother to
detective Valerie Bertinelli. She was back shortly with "Cafe American"
on NBC.
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"The Remote Patrol" is copyright© 2009 Thomas Allen Heald and
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reserved.