B-Poetry Substance Abuse

[Abrigon]

B-Substance Abuse 2023
PRINTED:_________
April 2022
December 2022

INDEX:
Please
Odd Facts
Self
Martha
Fallen
Lantern
Banshee Run
Suicide
Steps 12
Step by Step
Wallowing
Pity Me
Negative
Self Abuse Love
===========
P-Please: (work in progress) (not sure if a poem or just inspirational words?)
 
Help Me:
To let me
give myself kudos
thank you
for doing things.

Completing something, time for a kudo.
To forgive myself for the past mistakes
And to forgive those who was assholes
And to know the difference.
Not my fault they was assholes,
no matter how much they blamed me.
The past is the past,
it should not be a drowing pool.
Let the past go, or it will drown you.
To give thanks for my blessings.
 
Help Me to:
To know I am blessed.
To know I am a nice,
valuable and intelligent person
To work for myself
as much as I work for others
To know that many people
are ignorant or worse
uncaring bastards
That I am the only one
who I have to please,
fuck the rest.
Get organized, it helps..
 
Anger is not healthy
Pain is not good
Negative with out
a positive is just insane.
Let the negative go,
and let the positive shine..
Seek Balance, things was not all bad,
just got into the bad feelings to much
If things are not helping, change them,
if they refuse to be changed,
or you can not change them,
then let them go.
Love Life not Death.
Death comes to us all,
but it need not be a long one,
but also not be a short one,
but best to be a long happy one,
than a long depressing one.
Suicide is about control.
No control over life,
so back up against a wall..
Need to have more control over ones life..
Suicide can be slow,
by pills, guns, driving fast,
or it can be slow,
with drugs, alcohol, addiction,
abuse, depression and self destruction.
Let the positive person shine.
Knowing you need help,
is the first step.

Finding help and allowing
yourself to be helped in next..
Acting on the help is next,
and making it stick is next..
But what is next after that?

Mike Adams
2021
---------------
P-Odd Facts 2016

To love or live
to see the toxic
nature once again
or walk away and
know not rehab or
jail  once again
and lose not your freedom
once again, all due to a
situation with alcohol
and drama of love.

Mike
2016
-------------
P-Self:

Drugs, Alcohol
Or just drama
Unleashed. Pain,
Anger, fear, or
just lonely.
With nothing to
fill the void of
soul. But drink,
drugs, and self
destruction.

Hatred of self
or just fear of
showing more of
self, due to past
jeering, disrespect
or being to open
and used by it.
By the group, or
those in power,
along against the
the crowd and
riots of pain
brought on by
groups social,
not welcome, and
not wanted, all
cause your mutant,
geek, freak, or
just not pretty.

What did you do wrong
is asked, but only
answer is being born
out of time with what
is popular, or hot.
Condemned from birth
to second class status
all cause of gender,
mixed race, or parents
unknown or just not
caring, or from the
wrong side of the
tracks or just body
build, or mind paths.

How brutal but how it
comes to be for how
many? All out of shape.
Not fitting that mold
of what? Some hidden,
or open standard.
Enforced and deadly
in disrespect. All
programmed in by who?
For what reasons to
be special or snotty
for some blessed and
others called cursed
by fate, or just no
one stands up to say
Bullshit, and enough!

To stand before the
houses of peer and
media. To pressure
immense and many fall
into chasms, deadly
and purge themselves
to fit in, or to not
die alone! Destroyed
and ravaged. Left
alone to deal with
issues of self hate
fear and loathing
institutionalized!

Mike
2008

(still working on it?)
----------
P-Martha
 
Dear Martha, Humpy Mumpy
Why you have to die
Irony is all I can say.
 
Tragedy and anger
brother dead
guilt or just
grief over whelming
anger and pain
 
To lovely to be normal.
Used by others to be
accepted or mule.
Drugs, alcohol
travel and abortions
but in the end the
irony is, to die.
But by boy friend
after giving birth
Finally of a child
after giving up
so many they say.
 
So is the Irony
and tragedy of
your life. Anger
shown when drunk
but now sober,
but to little
to late or just
expressed by
 
Not much to say
mental or just
hurting unending
but brought out
when drunk
 
What can be said
Just good bye
little one
Mu Humpy Mumpy
Loved you
not for your
looks but for
your friendship
I am sorry I was
not a better friend
for in the end
we failed you
us all, by not
being better.
 
Sorry.
 
Mike
2009
-----------
P-The Fallen

The idea to talk
about the fallen ones,
those who had promise in life,
but some how
got lost along the way
and fell into alcohol,
drug abuse,
prostitution,
murder and death.

Mike
2016?

(possible poem or collection of them?)
-------------
P-LANTERN:
 
A Lantern burning bright
take the anger from my sight,
remove this man who beats me so
and make him pay for all to know
That I am dead and all shall know
that he took me and destroyed me
slowly with word and threats
of hands and fist and just control
with money, and emotions
foul and coniving
 
A lantern was held up in loving hands
of family and friends but how to go to it
or even leave the darkness behind,
to stay and be controlled and beaten
but its all I know? He loves me, just
does not know how to show it,
or some crap like that or is it just
a little girl, in the dark, alone
and no help to guide her

There must be a more safe place
to be, to find another better for you
someone to not hit you abuse you,
and use you to not be controlled
and beaten even if beaten in mind and soul.

Held down and kept down
controlled by words and thoughts
and arms strong or just kept
like an animal not loved but used
abuse most foul.
A spirit dead from years of mental anguish
or just not loved or not pretty enough
or of drugs, and alcohol
some inside and some outside
Lack of respect for self,
lack of joy in ones blessing
to leave the darkness
and take a small step
but that step is agony
for will he find me,
hurt me, beat me,
abuse me tease me,
let me go and find
me and bring me back
like some animal or worse,
to find he has found another?
I go back to him
for he is all I know,
all I have known,
and I fear all I will know.
But there is more,
or is this just a dream,
a dream that is fading
by the hours and days..
I am trapped but held here
not by force, but by my own fear?
Or just insecure of my blessing
and beauty and knowing
I am worth more than this crap.
I am not a trouphy, my children
are not to be harmed but they are
hurt by mommys beatings.
Why do I go back but how to leave,
no money no place to go,
he will hunt me down
and bring me back with friends
that will help him and I have none?
Where shall I go, who will I be with
where will my children go and be safe
God he has a knife and
I have to run but to where?
 
To the lantern held high and bright
by loving and knowing hands
who take you in and hold
the darkness at bay,
and help you heal wounds
deep and numbing
but always there.
 
Mike
2006
Still working on it. Wrote it for a gal I once talked to online.
---------------
P-Banshee Run

A banshee screams into the night,
Up from my bed I do jump
where, when, who, how
as cloths jump on to my frame
as I say good bye and run into
the night duty call or just
a night. Running, across
ground icy, slippy and
dangerous but I run
like a mad man, for
someone dies tonight
or not, I hope for my
time is spent to get
their quick, safe, with
those who can do their best
to keep all alive.

Good the rig is warm
starts, all ready
connection, where
where and where, to
pick up quick on
on the way. Door open
and I am on my way.
Left, right, forward
on to the breach or just
make it so for others

There he or she is,
clothed like me
barely on running.
Jump inside, what we have
and on, lights flash or not
quiet night, so fast.
But keep it safe
There they are.
And in we go, with
cops help and firemen
too, we enter, what
to find. Scene Secure.
Fire or dangers human
helped to be gone.

Chief complaint,
cause and symptom
observed items
and allergies
drugs and issues

Blood pressure
observed issues
smell and touch
or just a twitch

Collar on, or splints
or bandages, IV in.
On board, but careful
one two three we go.
gurney on and comfy
for the cold can kill
into the ride we do go
run run run other times
splint, tape, four by four
or just morale support

On into the night to
place of healing I do hope
Doctors waiting, nurses to
cops taking statements
one two three to another
bed, and monitors

doctors working
nurses helping
bags pumping,
air in, nose or mouth
blood and fluids
warming up, and alive
not dead, and cold.

Heart pumping
lungs filling
bowels released
catheter in or not
drip drip drip
goes the meds,
saline and plasma.

Stitches if needed.
Alcohol suspected
Family there or not
or none, or next.
Bruises seen, sores
many, smells awful.
Cloths in a corner

Reports to do and
remember, for later
times and legal or
just what we miss
if anything?

Transport, ready
bag sled, and shred
papers, ready and comfy
escort here,
family said good
bye. Off to the port
we go, holding hand
all is well to the plane.
Thank you.

An on to the lands
below, for better care
for stable is okay
but more must happen
or does or just in case.

Sadly some do not
get so far, or hurts
abide and come.
Not all saved, it hurts
but grieve abides
guilt or just how?
Done better or at all?
Why, no trust of us
their friends or just
things happen?

Driving bad or drunk?
Issues of age or time
conditions come
not all live, some short
some long, but
Hearts give out, lungs
deflate, time is here
or just sugar low or high.
abuse, and pain, no will
to live or just ..

Good Bye

Mike Adams
2009

For all who go into the night with the hope that they can save someone.
-------------
P-Suicide:

So she cheated on you,
gave you a disease incurable,
Emptied your bank account
Had you arrested for DV
Took your kid(s) away
Told your friends lies
and now they hate you.

Do not give her the joy
of killing you to!
So put the gun down,
the pills away,
stop annoying that cop,
driving fast,
drinking like a fish.
and piss her off by living!

Mike
2006/2015

For a close buddy, sadly I did not get a chance
to say and share it with him, and he .. long gone.
It can be I suspect be reversed for the female
friend, been tempted. But may take another bent.
-----------
P-Steps 12

Out of control
why am I here,
jail? hospital
or drinking what ever
next to me, what did I do,
why the hand cuffs,
have I hit bottom, or just
sliding fast and no control.

God or who or what
I need help, or I know
where I am going
for I have seen it
in friends, family
or just lost souls
dead to the world
zombies shuffling
around with only
thought, next drink,
or hit or what ever.

I once was clean, sober,
had promise but ...
No one wants me, they
kick me out, call the cops
will not let me in a bar
I used to spend bank
in, all cause now I am a bum,
drunk, addict.

Why does my love hate me
my kids fear me
my work has fired me
or friends all deserted me
or worse just as bad as I
and we all don't care.

please I need help,
can you help me man? Women
or what are you, all is I know
you or what are here and showing
me a way, to a better way.

I need you buddy, or friend
or just one who had done
as I have done, and is now
happier and knows a way
to peace, happiness and
no more selfish ways and
self destruction.

For I know if it does
not change, I will be one
of the bodies that lay around
me, cloud my thoughts and
give night mares of uncertain
causes but all is dark
or better yet numb..

So how can I look
in peoples eyes and
have some pride or just
know they don't hate me
or do not respect me
or respect me for the
violence I have shown
or know I can do but
wish not to..

No more pain, anger,
but I wish peace, joy
to walk with happy people
and see my kid, or family
and know they can trust me,
I will not use or abuse them
for money, or things
I can sell for the drug
or I can look myself in
the mirror, and see past
the face now destroyed
by years of abuse and
see intelligence once again
where once was numb or beastial
eyes. Cooking is not chemistry.

So off to work, making some
money, but save it,
eat something
have some health back.
Make peace with self,
others and the world, and learn
how to deal with things, to
not crash, fall down, numb self
up on booze, drugs or think life
is a constant party or no one
knows, people know and see you
in the gutter and fear you, or
not want you around for the smell
or worse that you present.
Invading their perfect world
and not seeing who you once was
but now are just a drunk, an addict
lost and homeless or serving life.

Creed, color, faith all the same
just an addict, with no god but a
bottle or pipe, pills or needle.
All the same. Next hit, or lover,
or what am I doing this for?
sores, puss, bruises, teeth gone,
smell all can smell from feet away
as you do acts you once thought
disgusting cause it was means, nasty,
sinful. or just will get you pregnant
or be called whore and not just female
but males.

Why is mommy or daddy passed out
in the hall way, Whose that man with daddy,
what daddy or mommy doing for money,
and on that corner with marks up his
or her arm, for what, where are they at,
why am I with you, whats a social worker?
Whose in Jail, why they not visiting me.
Are you my daddy? Mommy? Why did my
parents sell me to you?

Make peace with all, be happy,
know how to be happy, clean,
sober and then if you can
to help others at their measure
and pace and means to if they
wish to be happier, to be so.
Slow down, its not a race to die
or see who can die first, or
how long until you liver gives out
your body slowly shrivels up and
die by suicide, even if slowly
for what is substance abuse
but slow death, self inflicted?

Here, can I help you out,
please forgive me, if possible
trust me once again, as I learn
to trust myself, maybe even love
me, as I learn to love myself
again. Can I have my kids back!

PLEASE!

Mike
2011

-----------
P-Step by Step

Step, step, step, but I look back
and can not see the steps, and know
where I came from or where I am going,
but yes, the steps are to big, to grand,
and grandious no vision that goes back
into that fog behind, that far to see
how far they are apart, so I step
smaller steps still as I step, and
look I can not see them all, no joy in
the seeing of them for they are still not
there in my minds eye.

So smaller steps and on and on,
and finally I find that just a small
step, more a shuffle is what I need
so I can see of how I bleed or how
I go from place to place, lost, but
now I am found for in the steps small,
I see where I am going, where I have
been and can find joy in knowing that
I have stepped at all. And know, I am
completing things doing things, making
steps to improve my lot in life that I
am not walking in a fog or a bog of sand
holding me fast but in a lane of my own
creation into the future, and the promise
of completion, of happiness in the doing,
and knowing, of organized thoughts and dreams
not lost in the morase of my own mind and
home, but links I can see now, visions
of things I have done and measure in my
minds eye and memory now fast.

Mike
2004
---------------
P-Wallowing 2021

Help me
Drowing in
a pool of pity.

Self inflicted
or never shown
how to swim
by parents

or they assumed
I would be a man
what ever a man is?

So how to swim
and make it to shore
or build a house boat
for my pool of pity?

Mike
2020

(more?)
---------------
P-Pity Me
 
Pity me
Pity me
I scream
but why
Do I deserve
your pity
 
What have I
done to merit
it, or earn it
 
What have
I done
to make
my life
better?
 
But wollow
in my self
pity and
degradation
but never
stood up
and done
anything.
 
So stop
and pity
me not.
 
Hand up
or just
remind me
 
Stop.
No pity
today
 
What have I done
to make my life
better, but be afraid,
or fail one more time,
or just wallow in self
pity and put myself down,
or hold my self back,
or worse blame others
for my condition,
when it was I
who decided to stay put
and not do anything?
 
Take a chance, make a change,
be positive, dwell not in
the darkness. Pity me not,
for I have done naughty to
change my self, but fall into
mud of my own choosing.
 
Mike
2009
 
(still working on, so may rewrite it but will see).
--------------
P-Negative
 
A dark pool
a hole dark
as midnight
a lake of cold
and darkness
or just pity
 
Why wallow in the
pool of darkness
called pity
when the light
of happiness
calls you
but you just
have to find
the portal
the door
the window
and the way
 
My life has
been negative,
seeing darkness
when light.
 
Seeing things
from the dark
side of things,
expecting
things dark,
and most of all,
remembering only
the negative things..
 
Mike Adams
2005/2006
working on it
---------------
P-Self Abuse Love

Love or longing
True or false
Depression or insanity
desire or fantasy
what can be said
it hurts in the end
for the love of another
is hardly known
let alone returned
so hopeless it is
but its real but
singular and alone
so in pain one goes away.

Abused by self once again
wanting, longing to be
loved, wanted, desired
but its all a dream
or just unrealisitic

Days, hours and more
spent in searching
but never finding true
lasting love, sex yes
and lust for an hour
or week but never
lasting.

For its all just a
fantasy of the mind
not shared or worse
they think you wierd
odd, crazy or threat
or for fun, someone
they can use and abuse
with no love returned
just abused.

Mike
2013
(still working on, and why I in part keep some at arm and beyond, or do not trust or
even just ignore all before or after meeting, for why abuse one self or be abused.


==========
Mike Adams 2008?