Wedded to Work, and in Dire Need of a Wife
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August 11, 2007
Wedded to Work, and in Dire Need of a Wife
By SHIRA BOSS
Now that women have solidly earned their place in the work force, many
find themselves still yearning for something men often have: wives.
"The thing I most want in life is a wife. I'm not kidding," said Joyce
Lustbader, a research scientist at Columbia University, who has been
married for 29 years. "I work all day, sometimes seven days a week,
and still have to go home and make dinner and have all those things to
do around the house."
It is not just the extra shift at home that is a common complaint.
Working women, whether married or single, also see their lack of
devoted spousal support as an impediment to getting ahead in their
careers, especially when they are competing against men who have wives
behind them, whether those wives are working or staying at home. And
research supports their argument: it appears that marriage, at least
marriage with children, bolsters a man's career but hinders a woman's.
One specialist in women's studies dismissed wife envy as something
women "are usually joking about" and another called it "a need for a
second set of hands, regardless of gender." But therapists who work
with couples on equality issues say it is no joke.
"I hear it all the time," said Robin Stern, a psychotherapist in
Manhattan and author of "The Gaslight Effect." "It's a real concern.
Things that used to be routinely taken care of during the week are not
anymore."
With two-income families now the norm, and both men and women working
a record-breaking number of hours, the question has become how to
accomplish what used to be a wife's job, even as old-fashioned
standards of household management and entertaining have been relaxed.
Many men are sharing the work of chores and child care with their
wives, and some do it all as single parents, but women still generally
shoulder a greater burden of household business (or fretting over how
to do what is not getting done).
According to 2006 survey data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, one
in five men engages in some kind of housework on an average day, while
more than half of women do.
"The real challenge is, companies expect you to perform as if someone
is at home taking care of everything for you," said Kim Gandy,
president of the National Organization for Women. "Some men are better
positioned to deal with these corporate demands, because they do have
someone at home. Most women don't."
Working women have noticed, correctly, that their male colleagues with
wife support - whether or not those wives are themselves working
outside the home - get further at work than the women who are fettered
by marriage and children. Women occupy 50.6 percent of managerial and
professional positions, according to the research organization
Catalyst, but make up only 15.6 percent of Fortune 500 corporate
officers.
Married men and women, on average, earn more than those who are
unmarried, with part of that possibly attributed to career and wage
advancement as workers mature (and are more likely to be married). But
the gap is significantly larger for men than for women. Married women
make an average 17 percent more than unmarried women, according to
2005 B.L.S. data on the median earnings of full-time workers, while
married men make 42 percent more than unmarried men.
A more statistically rigorous analysis published in 2004, using the
Minnesota Twins Registry, tried to isolate the effect of marriage on
earnings. It found that holding education and genetics constant,
married male twins made 26 percent more than their unmarried brothers.
It is not as clear what effect marriage has on women's careers and
earnings, but having children is, over all, an impediment. "There's a
well-documented motherhood penalty: women with children are paid less
than women without children," controlling for other factors, said Mary
Blair-Loy, a sociologist and author of "Competing Devotions," a study
of executive women who kept working versus ones who discontinued their
careers.
Fathers, however, are not similarly disadvantaged and might even
benefit at the workplace from being parents, according to more than
one study, including one published in March in The American Journal of
Sociology.
In 1972, the first issue of Ms. Magazine included a now classic essay
by Judy Syfers, "I Want a Wife." Her fantasies included her wife
taking the children to the park and on play dates, arranging a social
life, passing hors d'oeuvres to guests, planning meals, cooking,
cleaning. The sentiment seems to persist among today's working women.
"On every level, I'm very resentful," Ms. Lustbader said. "Not of my
husband, but of other women who don't work, or who have a stay-at-home
husband." She calls her marriage a good one. She also has the benefit
of a once-a-week housecleaner and had live-in help while the couple's
two children were growing up. She did not pursue a tenure track
because she wanted to be more available for her children while they
were growing up.
While outsourcing household work is a potential solution for families
that can afford it, it doesn't solve all the issues. Women are still
predominantly the ones hiring and managing the help, according to Ms.
Blair-Loy and other specialists. And, especially when it comes to
child care, they feel there is no substitute for a spouse.
"The situation is, you have to have people doing it for you, or you do
it," said Dawn Santana, a corporate lawyer in Manhattan who works part
time. "I like to do it myself, and don't trust too many other people.
But I would trust a spouse."
Even if the workload is divided, women complain that they are usually
the ones organizing, juggling and filling their head space with the
daily demands of family life. That leaves less time and energy to
focus on the workplace tasks.
"Men lock the door and leave. Things could be a wreck or whatever and
it doesn't affect their other world," Ms. Santana said. "I walk out
and worry about the house looking nice, because the kids have play
dates, etc. Someone has to worry about that, and it's usually not the
dad."
Ms. Santana's husband, Gus Moore, who works in finance, does not see
it the same way. "We both do whatever we can do while we're not
sleeping," he said. Regarding the earnings advantage of married men,
he commented: "I can't think of why that would be. I can't think of
what they'd be doing that would cause that." He has noticed that some
married colleagues bring a lunch from home, which he guesses has been
packed by the wife, but he doubts that it would increase anyone's
paycheck.
The argument is made, even by feminists, that an unmarried man might
face the same challenges and wife-envy as does a woman without a
nonworking spouse to support her life and career. But a common
response is that the situations are not the same, because of
individual and societal expectations that tend disproportionately to
pressure women.
"Women are held to higher expectations and hold themselves to higher
standards," said Sumru Erkut, associate director of the Wellesley
Centers for Women. Or, as Mr. Moore put it, "I assume most bachelors
don't worry about how clean their houses are." Consequently, women
tend to feel they should do more, even with a full-time job. "In the
workplace, or any place men and women are competing, men who are
married have an advantage over married or unmarried women," Ms. Erkut
said.
Ms. Lustbader says that men at her workplace have invited their
colleagues to their houses for barbecues that were organized by their
wives. "I heard about them, how lovely it was," she said. "I don't do
that." Male counterparts have also had cocktail parties at their homes
for other faculty members. "I never did that. It was another chore I
didn't want to do."
Entertaining and socializing outside work might or might not help
advance careers through networking, visibility and image, but Ms.
Lustbader notes that the time and energy involved in being a host is a
drawback.
Specialists say that changing the situation involves continuing shifts
in attitudes and policies by individuals, life partners and workplaces
to favor work-life balance and equality between spouses.
Mr. Moore, his wife agrees, does help a lot with household management.
He also expresses the desire for a devoted, trustworthy helper. "He
feels the same way," Ms. Santana said, "but he calls it a mom. Now we
just say we want a mommy."