New to LAA
CNB
realized that I am a love/romance addict. I have know of my
co-dependence for years but ignorantly had no idea there was such a
thing as love or romance addiction. I have mixed feelings about
it...relieved to know such an addiction exists and saddened to realize
I'm indeed an addict.
My story isn't unique but still very unhealthy. I have recenlty (90
days ago) stopped involvement with a married man. I, self righteously,
was one of the "I would never do that" people running around out there.
I am now a believer that I am capable of such self destruction. The
addiction comes to play in disclosing that I miss this self destruction
terribly. The last 90 days have been agony. I am in counseling and am
in the process of physically moving in order to make it much more
difficult for myself should this man attempt to re-enter my life. I
never pictured myself as "the other woman" and broke the relationship
off many times only to go back when I heard "I can't live without you
but I can't leave my kids either". I'm ashamed to admit that even at
the end it wasn't me that had the strength and health to break it off
completely. It was him. I made the decision to move because I realize
I cannot trust myself to make a good decision when it comes to this
man. I realize that moving alone will not prevent this from happening
with someone else so I will still have a lot of work to do.
Does the pain go away? Do the feelings of being seemingly easily
discarded ease? This man has sent messages through mutual
acquaintances that he loves me and misses me terribly and these
admissions leave me crumbling again. The entire situation has been
very ugly.
Don Allen
I have told many people on this site that this recovery program is all about choices. You have chosen to accept that you are a love addict. Now you can choose to recover. This will be a challenge for you and the work is hard but the benefits are great. You may be feeling uncertain on how to proceed now that you have accepted your addiction. For me, I reconnected with the God of my understanding and I chose to let Him/Her take over for me. The blessings I have received since have been simply amazing. And I did not let go easily. I fought to keep control of my life. But the reality of the situation was that I never, ever had control. I was and still am absolutely powerless over my love addiction and it has ruled my life ever since I was a young child. And only by turning myself and my will over to God have I been able to make any progress in my recovery.
My addiction really manifested itself in my adult relationships with women and I have had a series of failed relationships over the last 16 years, all ending painfully for me, with me feeling devastated and worthless. But I am here to tell you there is hope and recovery. If you choose to do it. If you can step out of the way and let the God of your understanding take over, wonderful things will happen. They might not happen right away but rest assured that they will. Patience to accept the will of God and on His/Her time is a challenge that all addicts must face on a daily basis. Good luck to you and stay in touch with us all.
Don
CNB
many resources including a CoDA group I will be attending on Tuesday
nights. I have friends there and one in particular is going to go with
me. She is co-cependent as well so it will be good for both of us.
I've become a reading junky, again, and will definitely look at the
books you mentioned. It's so funny because I'm such a Scott Peck fan
and read The Road Less Travelled about 20 years ago. Loved it. Did I
live it--nope! I have an amazing ability to read huge amounts of
information and not act on a single bit of it.
This pain is very familiar to me and before this I had been what I
thought was addiction free for ten years. What I realize now is that I
simply poured my addictive tendencies into something else...my child.
Loneliness hit me very hard. I had been so content to be a single mom,
head down, working hard, isolated. I set myself up. Enter, unhealthy
relationship. Sadly, I can tell you every step of the way that I knew
I was making wrong choices for myself and everyone else involved. I
wanted the feelings I felt to be real!! I felt so happy and so
fulfilled and yet so, so empty due to the fact that he belongs to
someone else. The push and pull was dizzying and I quickly went from
emotionally stable to a complete basketcase. My emotions are
stablizing but the emptiness feels more acute than ever. Its as if I
had let somthing in me die, a need for intimacy I guess, during that
ten year period and now it has been awakened with a vengeance.
Unfortunately, the passage of ten years didn't automatically equal
healthy choices. The other painful part of this relationship was that
it started out based on prayer together. God has always been a part of
my life and I can tell you most of the times when I have arrogantly
told him, no thank you, I've decided to follow my own will today. The
end result, just like now, is disaster and wreckage. The pain for
everyone could have been so easily avoided. I can know that
intellectually but still feel that "if only we could be together" pull.
I've turned this situation over to God so many times and yet I know
its ME holding on. I turn it over, take it back, turn it over, take it
back...
Your words regarding self worth ring true. So much of the issue for me
is believing I'm worthy of more, worthy of health. I convinced myself
that having a partner that was unfaithful to me would not be a big deal
as long as I kept reminding myself it was "their problem". I have no
idea what health in a relationship looks like! I imagine I will have
to be a completely different person who chooses completely different
people! That not only sounds scary but also not like very much fun in
all honesty. How do you will yourself to be attracted to health when
you've never been attracted to it before? I recently read "Love is a
Choice"...hard read, but very good. It helped me understand the
co-dependent thermometer and how I can walk in a room of 100 and some
how find my co-dependent/addict equal. Its almost a scent. The book
was hopeful but made me quickly realize that the road ahead is
treacherous and not for the weak of heart.
My obsessing is still running rampant but at least now I have the
ability to hide it. The internal dialogue I have with myself is enough
to send anyone straight to bed--its like an ongoing argument I continue
to have with the addict in me. The rational and the irrational duking
it out every waking moment.
I'm glad to have found this site and will visit daily. I'm reaching
out to anything I can find to get through this.
Thanks again for encouraging me,
Claudine
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> Hi, CNB, I'm Don and I am a codependent love addict. Welcome to this group and I honor your acknowledgement of your addiction. That takes a lot of courage to do. As a newcomer, I suggest, that you read "Love Addiction" by Susan Peabody and "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. I also suggest "The Road Les Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. All of these books have information that will help you, particularly with the withdrawal pains that you are experiencing now. And yes, the pain does stop, but you need to feel this pain now so thatyou can remember it and do what it takes to get yourself in a position to make healthier decisions for yourself. Self-care is necessary to establish your self-worth and srebuild your self-esteem. These words may sound strange to you now but if you choose, you will come to know and embrace them. <br><br>I have told many people on this site that this recovery program is all about choices. You
> have chosen to accept that you are a love addict. Now you can choose to recover. This will be a challenge for you and the work is hard but the benefits are great. You may be feeling uncertain on how to proceed now that you have accepted your addiction. For me, I reconnected with the God of my understanding and I chose to let Him/Her take over for me. The blessings I have received since have been simply amazing. And I did not let go easily. I fought to keep control of my life. But the reality of the situation was that I never, ever had control. I was and still am absolutely powerless over my love addiction and it has ruled my life ever since I was a young child. And only by turning myself and my will over to God have I been able to make any progress in my recovery. <br><br>My addiction really manifested itself in my adult relationships with women and I have had a series of failed relationships over the last 16 years, all
> ending painfully for me, with me feeling devastated and worthless. But I am here to tell you there is hope and recovery. If you choose to do it. If you can step out of the way and let the God of your understanding take over, wonderful things will happen. They might not happen right away but rest assured that they will. Patience to accept the will of God and on His/Her time is a challenge that all addicts must face on a daily basis. Good luck to you and stay in touch with us all. <br><br>Don <br><br><b><i>CNB <Buck...@aol.com></i></b> wrote:<blockquote class="replbq" style="border-left: 2px solid rgb(16, 16, 255); margin-left: 5px; padding-left: 5px;"> <br>I am a 39 year old female. I am new to LAA and have only recently<br>realized that I am a love/romance addict. I have know of my<br>co-dependence for years but ignorantly had no idea there was such a<br>thing as love or romance addiction. I have mixed feelings
> about<br>it...relieved to know such an addiction exists and saddened to realize<br>I'm indeed an addict.<br><br>My story isn't unique but still very unhealthy. I have recenlty (90<br>days ago) stopped involvement with a married man. I, self righteously,<br>was one of the "I would never do that" people running around out there.<br> I am now a believer that I am capable of such self destruction. The<br>addiction comes to play in disclosing that I miss this self destruction<br>terribly. The last 90 days have been agony. I am in counseling and am<br>in the process of physically moving in order to make it much more<br>difficult for myself should this man attempt to re-enter my life. I<br>never pictured myself as "the other woman" and broke the relationship<br>off many times only to go back when I heard "I can't live without you<br>but I can't leave my kids either". I'm ashamed to admit that even at<br>the end it wasn't me that had the strength and health to break it
> off<br>completely. It was him. I made the decision to move because I realize<br>I cannot trust myself to make a good decision when it comes to this<br>man. I realize that moving alone will not prevent this from happening<br>with someone else so I will still have a lot of work to do.<br><br>Does the pain go away? Do the feelings of being seemingly easily<br>discarded ease? This man has sent messages through mutual<br>acquaintances that he loves me and misses me terribly and these<br>admissions leave me crumbling again. The entire situation has been<br>very ugly.<br><br><br>