(no subject)

[JAYNEM...@aol.com]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just needed to write my thoughts down today.

 

 I felt horrible yesterday

Because I bottomed out again. I made a promise to my therapist

and made a vow to myself that I wasn't going

To bring up my boyfriends divorce every again to him. I have a bad habit of nagging him and asking questions about this every three days about this issue. I know I can't control him but something always comes up so he can't start this process. It's always something that gets in the way. He is in the process of doing the papers now and sending them

Off to the lawyer. My HUGE issue I have with this is that I have been waiting for this to happen for over a

Year. I REALLY DON'T TRUST HIM ANYMORE.  HE TELLS ME, I'M LIVING IN THE PAST AND I NEED TO LET GO AND LOOK TO OUR FUTURE. It is very hard for me TO do this because of my past experiences with him. I'm trying to do this but I'm having a hard time. He has been so scared to finish this off with her because he

Just could not deal with losing so much money. I do believe it was all financial no emotional connection about reconciliation. He told me this past year, IM WORKING ON IT

TO GET IT DONE! BULLSHIT! He tells me he was stuck. HE finally realized he has to do this because if he waits one week or one year nothing is going to change. It took him a long time to come to grips with this. I have been telling him this for a year now. Even if he lost everything I would have stuck by him. His ego wouldn't allow himself give in to her. He just started the process last week with his lawyer. I think he was just waiting for the market to go down.

 We broke in December and got back together in February of last year. It was great for a week and then I started with the questions again which opened the door for arguments all over again. We broke up again and this time I set boundaries and said you take care of your issues and then we will see what the future holds for us. I was doing fine and then six weeks later I phoned him for his help because I needed legal advice. It started me talking to him all over again. We are strictly platonic friends right now and he is respecting that. He has been very nice with helping me with my work situation. I blew it yesterday with him because I asked him what he was doing and he said he was finishing a case and then starting on a new one. I went off on him and said when are you going to find the time to finish your divorce and fill out the papers. We got into the biggest fight again about THE SAME ISSUE! I was so upset with myself that I brought it up again. I know he is busy at work but he said, let me take care of this. STOP BRINGING IT UP!!!!!! I REALLY believe he is going to FINISH this but I am so conditioned to nagging him it seems I can't stop myself from bringing it up. There is a part of me that thinks, I don't want him anymore and I'm self sabotaging this. Then there is another part of me that loves him and really want this to work out. I keep on vacillating. I am making myself nuts with this. I have many opportunities to date other men but for some strange reason this one guy has a spell on me. He tells me he loves me but his AMBIVALENCE makes me insane. It makes me feel he doesn't care about my feelings and makes me insecure about my future.He said this has nothing to do with me. In my own deluded mind, I wanted to be engaged this summer. Boy, did I play mind games with myself! He tells me, I'm so wrong. He wants that dream also. Time will tell!!!!!!!! I was 46 when I met him and now I'm 48 and I'm still in the same emotional space I was in two years ago. That scares me about myself! I really love him but I'm so tired of feeling this way. I had so many dreams and fantasies about us. He tells me, He has a lot to show me and there has been a lot of damage he must repair. I'm trying to work through this with him but it's very hard for me to give this much more time. I just don't know what my future holds anymore. I thought I knew but now my dreams are changing.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

             Jayne

[Don Allen]

Its all about choices, Jayne.  How long will you choose to be secondary to your ex's concerns about the money he will lose in a divorce?  Only you can decide that.  When you decide that you care more about yourself than ANYTHING else and that your well-being, self-care, and recovery are the most important things in your life, then your decison will be an easy one.  Let this go and let the God of your understanding show you His/Her will for you.  Just step out of the way, stop imposing your will on this and your path will become clear.

 

Don  

JAYNEM...@aol.com wrote:

[Sky...@aol.com]

It just occurred to me to remind myself that our addict within is really our emotional five year old, or more commonly known as our Inner Child.. .. 

[Alexandra]

Love that inner child

[Sky...@aol.com]

In a message dated 7/27/06 12:23:11 PM, a...@bewareofgirl.com writes:

Love that inner child


Just don't let her/him run our lives....

[June]

Jayne,
Move on sweetie. I hate to say it but you need to reread your own post.
LET HIM GO!!! IT's not your divorce and what difference does it make if
he finishes it now or later. You either LOVE him for who he is or your
only love the drama you get to create with him. If it wasn't the
divorce we know as addicts it would be something else we would try to
control. It seems to be your bored. You aren't investing enough time in
your joys in life that we should be discovering. We can't focus on what
we don't have. Its over you said it in your post. we are platonic
friends. All I know is if I had a friend who I feel insain about I
wouldn't be friends with them. Sweetie. Keep posting, breath deep. I
recomend writing down a list of things you don't miss about him. Keep
it around, carry it with you. everytime you think heart warming
thoughts break it out and remind yourself you deserve better than all
the crap and baggage that comes with him. Hope I helped.
June

[Gail R.]

So true!  But easier said than done.

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