Thought For The Day
Mike
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He
did the right thing -- stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and
placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for
this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Mike
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert
explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,
'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes,"
replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now
I do it in ten..."
Me
quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering
his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good
and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat
enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any
smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20
more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really
angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece
when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
Me
night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the
strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master
strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after
another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless
leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But
I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm
sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom
- I'll show you how."
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A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when
she got a call from her daughter. 'Would Grandma like to have her three
little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in- law took a
five-day holiday trip?' Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars
in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.
The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty
dollars in the collection.
Mike
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD! Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder... This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car, I start toward the garage and notice the mail
on the table.
OK, I'm going to wash the car... But first I'm going to go through the
mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I
notice the trash can is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk, and take the trash can out, but
since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills
first. Now where is my checkbook? Oops...there's only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking...
I'm going to look for those checks... But first I need to put my coke
further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to
keep it cold for a while...
I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some
water.... I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There's my
glasses... I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away
first I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots...
Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think
to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so
...... I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I
splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote
onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall, trying
to figure out what it was I was going to do???
End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is
sitting on the kitchen counter, flowers are half watered, the checkbook
still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!
When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled
because: I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!
I realize this is a serious condition and I'd get help, BUT FIRST I
think I'll check my e-mail...
Me
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Me
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a
bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must
hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails
hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to
hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn'tlose his temper at all. He told
his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out
one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and
led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at
the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say
things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many
times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as
bad as a physical one.
~Unknown
Me
him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time
with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out
for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the
door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then
gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he
tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself
upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as
soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his
wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking
again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent
look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Me
her a 'Mood Ring' the other day so he would be able to monitor her
moods.
They've discovered that when she's in a good mood, the ring turns
green, and when she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his
forehead!
Maybe next time he'll buy her a Diamond...
Me
office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have
to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in
his office yesterday I asked him, "Sir, what is the secret of your
success?"
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." He responded.
"And, sir, what is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
Me
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT:Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT:Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4.
Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT:The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT:Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT:One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"