Girlfriends or Girls Who Are Friends?
Joseph Dunphy
Response posted to:
In response to the responses from Steve and Lynelle - blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah. Utter bull.
The population is about 53% female, and that ratio has not
significantly budged in our lifetime, so even if women were meeting
more men these days, this would not be tipping the odds in their
favor, because for this to be the case, men would have to be meeting
more women. 53 to 47 odds are 53 to 47, no matter how many times one
shuffles the cards and well, duh. Did Steve really not know that?
The young man who wrote in has my sympathy, and he certainly deserved
better than the glib nonsense he got from the hosts and the unprovoked
b*tchiness he saw from some of those responding, men and women alike.
There is no easy, comforting answer I can offer him, other than to
tell him that being further down the road than he is, that yes, things
do get better. In dating terms, undergrad is maybe the most bleak time
of life for a young man, and the cultural changes of the last few
years have made it bleaker than usual. The women are at their
absolute, pretentious worst, flat chested women turning their noses up
at men for not being muscular enough and similar nonsense, with
radical campus feminism encouraging them to do anything other than
engage in a little badly needed self-examination and get a little
reality into their expectations. The jacking up of tuitions beyond
reason has definitely increased the "daddy's spoiled little princess"
factor on college campuses, and girls like that enter life thinking
their every whim will become reality and should.
The good news is that post undergrad, once one gets away from that
very artificial campus environment, one tends to meet a much better
class of people, women included.
Joseph Dunphy
all bunk. Half the trick, and I know this is more easily said than
done, is learning to not care. By all means, if you meet somebody
special, that IS a big deal and she's worth your devotion, but
somebody who is worth being devoted to is not going to act like your
date is an interview down at human resources, and see how many hoops
she can get you to jump through. If it happens today, it happens and
if it doesn't, who cares?
There's really just one move you need to notice and this is where the
effort comes in. On the date, pay attention to the one you're with
really, really, really closely, so closely that is a hair is out of
place you'll see it, but without judging that, just accepting it. If
as, in any sense, you more forward, she stiffens ever so slightly - so
slightly that others less fascinated with her won't notice - then you
retreat without comment. Don't leer, don't stare, just pay very, very
close attention and respect her boundaries before she has to assert
them. It's really as simple as that, and if you think about it for a
second you'll see why this works.
It's nature's way of helping the woman screen out the skirt chasers,
those looking for a casual conquest, because the only way you can do
this and still look and feel natural is if the fascination you're
showing in the one you're with is genuine fascination. Further, in not
even coming close to pushing, you're dealing in a nonadversarial
manner with her and that's the beginning of trust. In the absence of
that, what's the point to a relationship, for anybody, male or female?
- J.D.
Joseph Dunphy
site:
Work on building your personal life outside of work, school and the
Internet, because the more of a life you have to share the greater the
temptation will be for some woman to share it, and the more of an
opportunity for what you will later think of as having been your first
date, to be something that you weren't thinking of as being a date at
the time. Say, you and your friends have set up a small art fair,
she's one of the friends, and along the way something feels right and
things just happen.
Meaning that the whole thing was a set up, a scam to get her to hook
up with you? No, because that's a betrayal of trust, undermining the
logic of a relationship. You should have invited her with because you
are genuinely interested in both the activity and having her with as a
friend, and if one's interest in one's future beloved is to be more
than just a drive toward intercourse, more than just purely sexual,
then the friendship is at least as important as anything overtly
romantic. Think of your parents, and of that tiresome way they have of
doing everything together. If someday, you hope to be equally tiresome
for your children, you'll have to have something to share. :)
Expand your interests, and see if some of them can't take you a little
off campus, if your location allows.
Joseph Dunphy
To see if I've written any more about this or return to your ring
http://groups.google.com/group/joseph_dunphy/web/girlfriend-redirection