BEST... GAME... EVER

[thenewjesus]

transcript of playthrough of original Facade follows, original text
(up until the bug where I got stuck on the couch) courtesy of Bone
Thugz n Harmony - 1st of Tha Month.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------






FACADE STAGEPLAY
Thu Dec 15 02 45 07 2005

TRIP
Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE
What for?

(Nat knocks on the front door.)

(Nat knocks on the front door.)

TRIP
That should -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Uhp, he's here!

GRACE
What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!

TRIP
No, he's supposed to be here now!

GRACE
Trip...!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
Nat!!

TRIP
Hey! It's been too long, man! How are you doing, you look great!

NAT
hey my nigga

TRIP
Yeah!

TRIP
Wow, it's really really great to see you.

TRIP
Come on in!

TRIP
Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace... -- (interrupted)

NAT
we havin a wonderful day

TRIP
Y -- yeah, yeah, uh, just -- just stay here...

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

NAT
and i won't fuck wit me. Why?

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

NAT
Cuz it's tha 1st of tha month

NAT
and now we smokin chokin rollin

GRACE
Nat,

NAT
blunts and sippin on 40 ounces

GRACE
Hi! How are you? Oh god it's been such a long time! -- (interrupted)

NAT
thuggin

GRACE
Uh...

GRACE
So, come in, make yourself at home...

TRIP
I'm just going to go close the door.

NAT
come come we got the blessed rum

TRIP
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fix us some drinks in a sec!

(Trip closes the front door.)

TRIP
Ah, you'll be the first to sample from my new set of imported drinking
glasses.

TRIP
So! Drinks!

TRIP
So, what's your poison?

NAT
from jumpin all nights we high

TRIP
How does a martini sound?

TRIP
Beautiful!

GRACE
No no,

GRACE
Nat, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?

NAT
hit up the block to where? East 99

GRACE
Okay! Trip, you heard him!

TRIP
Alright, alright!

NAT
i get wit my nigga to get me yayo

TRIP
So, anyhow...

TRIP
We can indulge in my new cocktail accessories -- (interrupted)

NAT
double up nigga what you need?

TRIP
Y - yeah, uh, it's fine, it's fine...

TRIP
Grace, I assume you want your usual... 'a lovely, very cold glass of
Chardonnay'. -- (interrupted)

NAT
e got weed to get POD'ed

TRIP
Well, I was just going to ask Grace what she wants.

GRACE
I'm happy to just have what our guest is having. -- (interrupted)

NAT
fiend for the green leaves

TRIP
Well, I, uh -- I know what you want, Grace.

GRACE
Nat, seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we all
used to have. -- (interrupted)

NAT
ive it up it's the fo sho you better

PHONE
** RING **

TRIP
Oh, I'll get it --

GRACE
No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.

NAT
lay low

PHONE
** RING **

GRACE
Hold on...

PHONE
** RING **

NAT
cause the po-po creep

PHONE
** RING **

GRACE
uh...

TRIP
uh... uh, heh heh...

NAT
when they roll slow

TRIP
wha...

ANSWERING MACHINE
** click **

TRIP
wha...

ANSWERING MACHINE
You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a
message!

GRACE
wha -- huh...

TRIP
ha ha, heh...

GRACE
ha ha ha ha ha, heh...

NAT
if you can't get away

TRIP
heh, ha ha ha!

ANSWERING MACHINE
** beep **

ANSWERING MACHINE
Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely
daughter is doing.

GRACE
ha ha ha ha ha!!

TRIP
Ha ha ha, heh, Nat,

NAT
better toss that yayo

ANSWERING MACHINE
I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother
and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should
be there.

GRACE
heh heh heh...

TRIP
heh heh, you had me going there for a sec...

TRIP
heh, ha ha...

NAT
keep your bankroll

TRIP
Never afraid to push your luck, heh heh...

ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this
business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve
gala.

TRIP
push our little buttons...

TRIP
heh heh, you're crazy, you know that?

NAT
we havin a celebration

ANSWERING MACHINE
(clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye.

TRIP
ha ha...

TRIP
(big sigh)

NAT
love to stay high

TRIP
Anyway... what were we talking about, heh?

GRACE
So, Nat, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong
with my new decorating, ha ha.

(Trip sips his player's drink.)

(Trip sips his Trip's drink.)

NAT
and you better believe when

TRIP
See, I told you he would like it! There's nothing wrong with it.

NAT
it's time to grind

GRACE
(little sigh) -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Well, it's impressive... even after a full day's work designing
magazine ads, Grace somehow finds time to decorate...

GRACE
Ha ha, I guess it's just the artist in me dying to get out. --
(interrupted)

NAT
i'm down for mine crime after crim

TRIP
Well wait a minute! I don't think you've taken a close look yet. Let
it soak in a little!

NAT
fin to creep to the pad cuz

GRACE
Yeah, the layout...

GRACE
So, about my decorating...

GRACE
(little sigh) With this room I was trying for a kind of post --
(interrupted)

NAT
mom's got grub on the grill

GRACE
Oh, well...

GRACE
(little sigh) So I tried for a certain kind of style in this room...

GRACE
but it is clearly just not happening. This is a mess.

NAT
if we got the food

TRIP
Oh, yeah, you know, I think I'll fix you a real drink in not too
long...

NAT
you know it's tha 1st of tha month

TRIP
See Grace, no one is complaining about your decorating, there's
nothing -- (interrupted)

NAT
and my nigga we chills fo real

TRIP
Nat, yeah, Grace, nothing's wrong, everything's fine!

NAT
wake up, wake up, wake up

TRIP
W -- wait, wait, wait, what's wrong, Grace?

GRACE
Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.

NAT
it's tha 1st of tha month

TRIP
What...?

TRIP
Grace, come on, that kind of statement is not helpful...

GRACE
Trip, there's nothing wrong with disagreeing in front of our friend --

TRIP
We're NOT disagreeing.

TRIP
We're -- we're -- we're not disagreeing.

NAT
wake up, wake up, wake up

TRIP
W -- wait, wait, b - but, no no, w - we're -- we're not disagreeing.

GRACE
Well, we're all friends here...

NAT
so cash your checks and get up

TRIP
Oh, -- (interrupted)

GRACE
By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like. --
(interrupted)

(NAT sits on the couch.)

GRACE
Nat, this is making you uncomfortable. See Trip, was it really
worth it to fly us all the way to Italy so you could take that inane
picture?

TRIP
Grace...!

GRACE
(little sigh) I'll take the picture down later tonight before I go
to bed.

TRIP
(short petulant sigh)

TRIP
Nat, this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon.

GRACE
Oh, was that what it was? Huh, I'm always the last to know. --
(interrupted)

NAT
i can't move

TRIP
No, n - no -- I just -- I just wanted us to spend time together!

GRACE
Trip thinks carting me off to Europe will, how did you put it, thaw me
out a little bit?

TRIP
Uhh, you're driving me insane! -- (interrupted)

NAT
i can't freakin move!

TRIP
Huh? What is this you're saying?

GRACE
Thaw me out...

NAT
i'm stuck on this damn couch!

TRIP
Huh? What are you saying to me?

GRACE
Trip, you think you're so romantic... but no you're trying to
manipulate me!

NAT
your couch has glue on it!

GRACE
Uhh, can you -- can you just...

TRIP
Goddamn italy...

TRIP
I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with you, but you're
cold, and distant! I do, I really try!

NAT
you psychos help me up!

GRACE
Oh, God...!

GRACE
Alright, you know what, Nat,

GRACE
I'm going to ask you something.

TRIP
Grace --

GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

NAT
i'm stuck, i can't move my head!

GRACE
Nat, yes or no...

GRACE
Do you think it's _wrong_ for one person in a marriage to listen _too
much_ to the other?

NAT
it's like i'm paralyzed!

GRACE
Look, don't bother answering, I don't need to hear it!

GRACE
Goddammit! How can I be happy when you act this way, Trip? Huh? I'm
miserable!

TRIP
Oh, god...!

NAT
call an ambulance!

TRIP
Uhh! Yeah, go on, get away from me!

NAT
dammit i can't move!

TRIP
I can't frigging take this!

TRIP
Goddammit, Grace!

TRIP
uhh!

NAT
you fucking maniacs!

TRIP
Wait, what, are you trying to explain this to me?

GRACE
What, Trip? Are you trying to talk to me?

NAT
someone help me up!

TRIP
What's it to you?

GRACE
Nat, (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so...

NAT
stop yelling at each other i'm stuck

TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

GRACE
What?

GRACE
Nat, it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage --

TRIP
Grace, don't, no, you don't need to --

GRACE
Admits that our marriage is not --

NAT
grace get the fuck over here!

TRIP
Stop it, stop it! (annoyed sigh)

NAT
i can't get up!

GRACE
Uhh...! God...!

NAT
I

NAT
CANNOT

GRACE
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

NAT
MOVE

GRACE
Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to
me...!

NAT
I AM STUCK HERE

TRIP
What, I'm not allowed to be angry?

GRACE
You tell me what to do, you don't listen.

TRIP
Nat, I'm not telling her what to do, I'm trying to help her!

NAT
THIS IS BORING ASS SHIT

TRIP
Oh Jesus, look, I'm not going to talk about sex...

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

TRIP
Or our lack thereof...

GRACE
Uhh...

NAT
GET ME THE FUCK UP!!!

TRIP
Jesus, Nat, why do you keep bringing that same topic up?
(frustrated sigh)

NAT
WHAT IS ON THIS DAMN COUCH?

TRIP
Look around here. We're doing well, really well.

GRACE
God, Trip, I can't believe even now you're still...

TRIP
Oh yeah, you'd never admit that I've created a good life for us.

GRACE
Dammit Trip!

NAT
ARE YOU STILL BABBLING ON?!?

TRIP
See Grace. Our friend knows a good life when he sees it.

GRACE
You both... uhh...

NAT
I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION!

GRACE
Let's keep our focus on Trip.

GRACE
Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid
trips I have to go on..

NAT
I CANNOT FUCKING MOVE!!!

TRIP
They're vacations! Expensive ones at that!

GRACE
Of course nobody thinks to ask me what I want.

NAT
well his name is Trip

TRIP
Oh, now it's all my fault. Just because your parents and I get along,
now it's some big conspiracy.

NAT
it's kinda funny

GRACE
God...

TRIP
Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us.

GRACE
I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he
can to avoid seeing them.

TRIP
Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.

GRACE
No, it's true...

NAT
your last names should be

GRACE
Yes?

NAT
dysfunctional

GRACE
Ah, that helps him. -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Marriage, well... heh... you know, it's sad, or maybe funny, I...
uhh... I always thought marriage would be easy!

NAT
LEMME UP!

TRIP
No, look, it's now painfully obvious to me I didn't know jack about
what marriage was really like... -- (interrupted)

NAT
LEMME UP!

GRACE
Uhh, Trip...

NAT
LEMME UP!

GRACE
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

TRIP
You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving towards me...

NAT
I'M STUCK HERE!!!

TRIP
Nat, She's all over me at our goddamn parties, trying to look good in
front of the guests!

NAT
I HATE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!!!

TRIP
Okay, Nat, you know what? I think you should leave.

NAT
THANK GOD!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
We'll be fine -- you just have to go.

(Trip closes the front door.)

NAT
I WAS GONNA DIE THERE!