a shred of hope.

[luna.m...@gmail.com]

I was sitting here reflecting on a recent discussion with my daughter, who has many anger issues towards my partner. I have been asking her to grow in spirt by trying to open her heart, and stop acting out in violent ways towards him, and offer him the kind of love and acceptance that she wishes to receive in her life* something she wants desperately from bio dad but does not get from him*.    It has been about a week and a half,  and in that time, I have seen her of her own will go to him and give him a quick hug. A pretty big change from the week before when she was as usual lashing out with elbows fists and feet whenever she was in a 3 ft range.   I have seen on many lists the discussion of children who act out violently, and many times the negative responses aimed at the parents saying of course it is their fault, and of course they are doing something wrong.   I have always hesitated to speak up, because my bi polar, in therapy and on medication child, fits right into the molds cast that say that it is of course the parents fault. Now, My daughter has been diagnosed as bi polar, ODD, with several learning disorders. There is a family history for mental illness, and brain chemistry is not something a parent can control, but I often feel  that if I even mention her illness or the problems we face sometimes just getting through the day, that I will be labeled a bad mom, before anyone even knows me, my child, or what our lives are like.   I think that many parents with children who do not fit the "normal" behaviour, become afraid to speak openly about their issues, and afraid to ask questions, or seek help because they will be judged as not doing something right.   We hesitate to tell others, because our child may be labeled, rather than taken for who they are, unique individuals with a very different perspective on life.   Rather than share openly our struggles, to find the one matching pair of socks that doesn't have that itchy spot in the toe, two minutes after we should have been out the door, or  our sincere and desperate prayer to any one who will listen, that today just be one of the days that no one gets hit, or kicked or bruised. We stay in our shadows, clinging to hope, that the therapist will be helpful, the meds will work, that for a single day, we will have no crisis that brings tears, or worse.   Our victories stay quiet ones, known only to dearest friends or a family member. Like that hug tonight before he went back to work after dinner break. Usually if she snarled something unpleasant in his direction, or managed not to elbow him on the way past in the hall, we would chalk it up as an ok night.   But tonight,  a simple hug and a see you in the morning, was a victory that deserved to be shared. Victory, because, perhaps, she is maturing, perhaps her desire to have more love and acceptance in her own life has allowed her to extend that grace to someone else, and perhaps, because after all these years of struggle and tears and hope,  there is just one more small sign that good things do happen, and hope matters.   So if there is someone out there tonight, struggling to hope, trying to just make it through the day in one piece,   Please know, you have to hang on. Hope makes a difference. And please, do speak up, and don't be afraid of others who haven't walked a day in your shoes. It takes courage to share, and the one who says nothing, may just be the one that is listening,   For a shred of hope.     Luna