Mindful Listening
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In his book Meditating Together, Speaking from Silence, vipassana
teacher Gregory Kramer offers a practice that can help us break such
patterns of reaction right in the midst of communicating. He writes,
"There is sitting meditation. There is walking meditation.
Why not listening and speaking meditation? Isn't it sensible that one
could practice mindfulness in relationship and so get better at it?"
Greg calls his interpersonal meditation practice Insight Dialogue.
While engaged in conversation, instead of immediately responding when
someone speaks,
· We pause for a moment, relax our body and mind
· Mindfully notice what we are experiencing
· Inquire, "What really wants attention?"
· Notice the feelings and thoughts that are arising
· Are we judging or interpreting or commenting on what another person
is saying?
· What sensations are we experiencing in our body?
· By pausing and paying attention we become acutely aware of our
patterns of reaction.
LISTEN FROM THE HEART. While others are speaking try to let go of your
own thoughts and pay attention to what they are saying. This means
letting go of your agenda for the conversation. Stay aware of the
feelings and sensations that occur throughout your body and especially
in the heart area. Be particularly aware of your mind wandering off
into judgments. If you find yourself criticizing, analyzing or
interpreting meet these thoughts with mindfulness, let them go and
return to receptive listening.
This doesn't mean you are agreeing with whatever is being said, but
rather you are honoring the other by offering your full presence and
attention. Let your listening be wholehearted and deep, paying
attention to the person's tone, pitch, volume and words. In addition
to content, allow yourself to receive the mood and spirit of what
another is expressing.
To cover up the strong wants and fears we might feel in close
relationships, we often hide behind our persona. We react to one
another out of habit, instantaneously, lost in our patterns of
defending, pretending, judging and distancing. When we have hurt
someone.
The key elements are:
1. Taking responsibility for causing pain to another
2. Listening deeply to understand the person's suffering
3. Sincerely apologizing and renewing our resolve to act with
compassion toward this person and all beings.
Much like making amends in twelve-step programs. These simple yet
powerful ways of paying attention and relating wisely with others open
and free our heart.
Reprinted with Permission, from Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach,
ISBN 0-533-38099-0