Tips for attending a high school reunion
Tim Josling
How To Attend Your High School Reunion
How To Attend Your High School ReunionDuring the holiday season, one
event sometimes crops up that's potentially even more stressful than a
long dinner with your extended family. I refer to the high-school
reunion. And whether you'll be attending this year or sometime in the
years to come, we have tips for you.
Don't go in with a grudge
This advice comes courtesy of Dr. Jane Bluestein, coauthor of High
School's Not Forever, who told me, "people who go back [to their
reunions] to settle a score or to show somebody up, that's a recipe
for a miserable experience." Of course, a lot of people carry grudges
from high school, and the temptation to show your bully that you're
now cooler than him is common — and natural. But showing people up can
be a lot more fun in your imagination than in reality, and if that's
your main goal, you might want to pass on the actual reunion and just
have your own in your brain. Bluestein says that for the best
experience at a real-life reunion, you'll want to go in open and
willing to talk to people: "if you go back to see people and ask
questions, you learn a lot about who these people are." And you may be
pleasantly surprised. Jezebel founder Anna Holmes wrote in a
Washington Post column earlier this year,
Here's the fantasy of what my 20th reunion will be like: Dozens
and dozens of the most privileged, popular kids — the ones for whom
high school was an apogee, not a nadir — milling about and enjoying
beers as they subtly brag about their six-figure incomes, their ranch
houses, their new luxury automobiles. (I can get enough of that in any
Upper East Side hair salon, thank you very much.) Here's the probable
reality: A few hundred of my contemporaries, all grown up and
genuinely eager to see one another and make new — and old — friends.
Recruit some friends beforehand
Bluestein points out that Facebook makes it easier than ever to a) see
who's going to your reunion and b) make sure a couple people you like
will be there. If you haven't kept in touch with a lot of people from
high school, she recommends that you reach out to at least one person
beforehand that you know you can stand, and make sure that he or she
is going. You don't have to cling to this person the entire night, but
at least you know you'll have someone to talk with, and someone to
flee to if you get stuck in an awkward conversation with that guy who
always creeped you out in chemistry class.
Jeanne Martinet, author of The Art of Mingling: Proven Techniques for
Mastering Any Room, recommends a slightly different technique: just
imagine you have a friend with you. Picture your best friend standing
next to you, accompanying you through each conversation and, if you
like, making snarky comments about your fellow guests. Martinet says
this will calm you and make you feel more comfortable — but she
cautions that you should avoid speaking to your imaginary friend out
loud.
Don't worry about the people you hated
Just like you may want to show everyone how awesome you are now that
you don't have braces anymore, you may be tempted to confront that one
girl who told everyone you stuffed your bra with toilet paper. But no
good can come of this. Bluestein suggests that instead, you simply
treat high school meanies politely, as you would a stranger. Martinet
concurs — she says if someone was truly awful to you, feel free to
avoid them. But for more garden-variety jerkfaces, just talk to them
politely and ignore that time when you tripped over your shoelaces and
they laughed. Odds are they've become less of a butthead over time. If
it turns out they haven't, and they try to start shit with you, just
walk away. You're unlikely to get the kind of resolution you want from
airing your grievances with your former bully at the reunion. Says
Bluestein, "save that for your therapist."
Make some observations
Martinet points out that going into a reunion is a little like going
into a party where you don't know anyone — except that you did know
almost everyone, a long time ago, and that makes it even weirder.
Compensate for the weirdness by exercising some expert mingling
skills. Martinet suggests that you start out with observations, not
questions, because this is a way to establish fun common ground before
you start probing into the details of someone's life (which could be
totally boring). Good topics to observe upon: the food, the
temperature of the room, the hostess and how pretty she looks (if
there is a hostess), the crowd or lack thereof, the music. Bad topics
to observe upon include which women from your graduating class have
started to look like Boy George.
If you don't remember someone, use deflection
Opinions differ on what you should do when someone is all, "oh my god
how are you remember how much fun we had in French class???" and you
have zero idea who she is or what she is talking about. Bluestein says
you should go ahead and admit it. Martinet, however, cautions that
this could make your alleged onetime friend feel bad. Instead, she has
a couple of tips. You could wait until a third person comes up and
hope this person utters the mystery lady's name. Or you could excuse
yourself for a moment and ask an actual friend to supply you with the
necessary info. Bluestein offers a final idea — praise your mystery
buddy's memory. That gives you a generic response that doesn't require
to exactly admit that you don't remember French class, much less her.
Remember that you can leave
Bluestein has an important reminder for all reunion attendees: you're
not in high school anymore. This means that you shouldn't get caught
up in old high school rivalries and drama, but it also means you don't
have to be there. No truant officer will arrest you if you just decide
to leave. Just knowing this — and having an escape already planned,
whether it's by driving yourself or having the number of a taxi
company already in your phone — can make the experience a lot easier.
Wait
Martinet says that nearly everyone she knows who ended up going to a
high school reunion enjoyed it. And it's true that overcoming your
dread can lead to a fun evening and an opportunity to reconnect with
people. But that doesn't mean you need to go to every reunion.
Bluestein says if you're really worried, just wait for your fortieth —
she says that by the time hers rolled around, "no one cared what size
you were, what you were wearing, or how much money you had, they were
just happy to see you." Which is how a reunion should be.