News of the Weird Daily for Thursday

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Chuck Shepherd

Mar 19, 2009, 4:39:16 PM3/19/09
News of the Weird Daily>/b>
Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Sweet Nectar of Life
Where would News of the Weird be without alcohol? In just yesterday's news, to give three separate examples, Dylan Krug, Stephen Garger, and David Senior, proved its value. Krug, 18, spent several hours Saturday night trying to persuade University of Colorado buddies to, y'know, go ahead, punch him in the face, and back at the dorm at 2 a.m., he got his wish and apparently bled all over the place until police were called. And Garger, 34, ramped up an ordinary DUI traffic stop by pulling out a loaded .38 and complaining to the officers that they had "ruined his plans" to go knock off a convenience store. And Senior, 20, apparently in full pick-up mode at 11 p.m. in a St. Pete Beach, Fla., hotel room, was chiding some babes' height-rophobia by perching on a 6th-floor balcony railing, and, oops, landed flat on a 2nd-floor concrete deck, kill—, no, wait, he survived. (Alcohol's also a miracle drug!) Colorado Daily /// The Morning Call (Allentown, Pa.) /// St. Petersburg Times [with your-ass-used-to-be-there and your-ass-landed-here photos]

Your Daily Loser
"Keith," on probation for heroin, was still using, got a phone call to report in 20 minutes for an unscheduled drug test, hurriedly borrowed a pal's Whizzinator (and his pee), and paid the price for not knowing what he was doing. It was either that the Whizzinator was of a different skin color than his or that he couldn't figure out how to hide the strap holding it on. (Besides, Whizzinators are so-o-o 20th-century because all cops can recognize 'em by now.) Detroit Free Press

Your Daily Jury Duty
["In America, a person is presumed innocent until the mug shot is released"]
Would Wesley Carr and Taylor Eppler, both 17, strike you as the kind of young men who would use up their valuable free time (y'know, like for getting those Ivy League applications in) by repeatedly setting off pepper spray in the Wal-Mart? Journal Sentinel

Recurring Themes and Updates

Asexuals are getting more assertive ("Celibacy is a choice; asexuality is an orientation"), denying they're repressed, even if they have a history with doing the deed. ("I enjoy golf [too], but if I never play it again, I don't care.") Good point: Why do we yawn at a lot of the odd paraphilias, yet insist that asexuals are strange? (Bonus: The reporter on the case is "Olly Bootle.") The Independent (London)

If you drive a $185,000 Porsche, and you want some audio put in, do you drop it off at Circuit City (whose rogue employee took it on a $50,000 joyride)? Home News (New Brunswick, N.J.)

The style to which the divorcée had become accustomed requires, er, $53,000 a week—no, wait, she's in court complaining that's not enough. Associated Press via Yahoo

Things are not as they seem: The Smoking Gun produces Michelle Owen, 24, who's really kinda cute, but on the other hand, they did find those two videos of her having sex with a dog.

Update: In this chaotic world right now, with threats of tectonic-like shifts in our daily lives, it's reassuring that at least one institution promises to always remain constant: Texas "justice." For example, the highest criminal-appeals court just officially reaffirmed that Andre Thomas, the guy who plucked out both his eyeballs (after plucking out his murder victims' hearts), is sane and can be executed. (Bonus: The court did concede that Andre's "crazy," just not "insane.") Associated Press via KFDM-TV (Beaumont)

Today's Newsrangers: Stephen Taylor, Bobby Stout, Ron Crumpton

Chuck Shepherd

Mar 26, 2009, 3:11:56 PM3/26/09
News of the Weird Daily
Thursday, March 26, 2009

© 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

The Trolls of Biscayne Bay

Like dozens of hyperventilating jurisdictions nationwide, Florida's Miami-Dade County has restrictions on where its convicted sex offenders can live—even the ones who have long finished their sentences. And it happens that the F State's most populous county officially has only one spot that is far enough away from places where our little buttercups play: the run-up to the Interstate 195 bridge from Miami to Miami Beach (the Julia Tuttle Causeway). Literally. Judges routinely give released sex offenders the choice: hit the road out of the county, or make a tent. In fact, there's a fella named Juan Carlos Martin who's been there so long that he showed a reporter his Florida driver's license with his address as "Julia Tuttle Causeway Bridge." This week, though, the more-or-less population of 52 men welcomed its first sex-offendress, the 43-yr-old Voncel Johnson, and so far, her campmates are protecting her, rather than harassing her. Miami Herald

More Things to Worry About Today

Best murder defense available, according to Christopher Rogers's lawyer: Well, true, Christopher did confess to killing those three people, but only because "aliens" had taken him over and made him say it . . in exacting detail. (Bonus: You can take a look at him sitting in court and make up your own mind.) Anchorage Daily News

More evil spirits: The San Francisco lawyer for a victim of a $500k fraud said that accused con man Kausbal Niroula, 27, is just an "evil" force, with a "supernatural ability to get low bail" in his cases. ("There are too many instances of him getting out and going free to blame it on his charisma or a lack of good police work.") SF Weekly

A stationery shop clerk in Gravesend, England, actually accepted that £20 note that was supposed to feature The Queen's face but actually featured the face of (lower-case) queen Boy George. Daily Telegraph

But he knew the layout: Off-duty police officer Michael Tindall was arrested, charged with robbing the First Bank of Conroe (Texas), where he worked as a security guard. (Yeah, he wore a helmet and sunglasses, but . . .) Houston Chronicle

Economic stimulus in Britain: Paul and Deborah Rees, professional psychics, just got a £4.5k small-business grant to open an "academy" in South Wales and reminded critics that how else are grieving parents going to be sure their dead kids are safe, other than by asking them directly? Daily Mail

Your Daily Loser
Craig Aylesworth, 51, Bithlo, Fla. (east of Orlando), feuding with his neighbor in a mobile home park, tossed a Molotov cocktail at his trailer but is now homeless, for failing to focus on the concept of "wind." Central Florida News 13

Your Daily Jury Duty
["In America, a person is presumed innocent until the mug shot is released"]
Andrew Krogh, 47, is a respected entrepreneur in Sacramento, he says, and wouldn't stoop to goosing up his glass-installation business by breaking windows around town with a slingshot. KXTV (Sacramento) [3-photo auto-slide show on right rail]

Today's Newsrangers: Gil Nelson, Mark Neunder, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Stephen Taylor

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