Monthly Echo: newsletter about narcissists and their nasty deeds!
Holy Water Salt
Debbie Harry
I am beginning to wonder if my psychopath is not the equivalent to the Rosetta Stone for anti- social personality disorder. He is an arch-type for sure, and has been the key to much of my past. Well, to be honest it is my exploration and self-education that has lead to my epiphanies and breakthroughs. He was just another in a string of creeps, of course I will credit him with being the worst, that lead me out of myself into reality. I say out-of-myself, because for too long I thought I was defective. I obsessed non-stop 24/7/365 about imagined personality disorders and disease. Something was wrong and no one else was taking the blame, so I did and accused myself. I read somewhere that depression is anger turned inward; and while I am perpetually mellow and sometimes downright down, I have never been clinically depressed I suspect because I cannot afford to. I do accept blame readily though and take others blame and make it my own. An accusation is made and I feel guilty regardless of innocence. And when I am guilty, I am DRIVEN to rectify my crimes by my scrupulous conscious.
My nature was confirmed by an unscientific test I took online. I am INFP
The Idealist
Most INFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:
- Warmly concerned and caring towards others
- Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
- Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
- Deep capacity for love and caring
- Driven to meet other's needs
- Strive for "win-win" situations
- Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
- Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
- Able to express themselves well
- Flexible and diverse
INFP Weaknesses
Most INFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:
- May tend to be shy and reserved
- Don't like to have their "space" invaded
- Extreme dislike of conflict
- Extreme dislike of criticism
- Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
- May react very emotionally to stressful situations
- Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
- Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
- Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
- Perfectionist tendencies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
- Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
No surprise there, INFP reads like an appetizer menu for psychopaths. As an idealist I saw or imagined only the best intentions and when those failed to materialize I set about to help psycho become the person I knew he was. I was wrong- Bugs Bunny right: That’s all (there is) folks.
Psychopaths tend to be INTJ- Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judging (Introverted Intuition with Extroverted Thinking). Though, I can offer only anecdotal evidence, the very reason I started my exploration of personality types and psychopathy- was happenstance. I Googled a former lover of my psycho, someone I suspected of personality issues herself, and discovered her profile. She’s an INTJ and that lead me to google INTJ and psychopaths. I found this article:
http://www.policeone.com/edp/articles/91372-Psychopath-or-an-INTJ-whos-gone-to-the-dark-side-Part-2/
The INTJ:
· Doing things to excess (i.e., exercising, dieting)
· Can have a idiosyncratic value system, especially around sexuality (They may use sex to humiliate themselves or to show profound caring)
· Act impulsively, especially under pressure
· Very Sensitive to Criticism (at times with certain people)
· Pursue Ideas that are unrealistic
· Appear cold and shallow
· Appear unsympathetic
· Enjoy change, challenge, and variety
· Single minded, stubborn
The Psychopath;
· Selfish
· Callous
· Accomplished liars
· Con artists
· Remorseless
· Irresponsible
· Inflated sense of worth
· Unstable
· Shallow emotions (though they may try to appear as if they have genuine emotions)
· Risk taker
· Deviant lifestyle
· Parasitic
· Anti-social
· Unrealistic goals
· Needs excitement
· Promiscuous
This is not to say all INTJs are psychos, it may be just that all psychos are INTJ. And don’t let the Introverted part confuse you, think self-involvement, self-absorption not thoughtfulness. I checked it out myself, and found a study that backs up my hypothesis.
J Clin Psychol. 1975 Jul;31(3):426-7. Links
Introversion-extraversion and psychiatric diagnoses: a test of Eysenck's hypothesis.
Hughes RC, Johnson RW.
Eysenck has stated that dysthymics were introverted and psychopaths were extroverted This study tested this hypothesis. The Ss were 28 male and 7 female inpatients from a state mental hospital. Twenty were diagnosed as neurotics, 15 as psychopaths. The sample was divided into extrovert-introvert groups on the basis of scores on the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator. Chi-square analysis revealed no significant differences in patient distribution by type and diagnosis. It was concluded that extroversion-introversion scores would not aid in the diagnosis of neurosis or psychopathy.
PMID: 1165261 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]
After reading the article by a PoliceOne columnist Dr. Dorothy McCoy, psychologist and enforcement consultant, “Psychopath or an INTJ who's gone to the dark side” I became convinced of the tendency of INTJs to be psychopaths. My reasoning is purely intuitive (ha), but one I plan on heeding; I will stay far away from anyone with the characteristics of an INTJ. This won’t be hard because unless you are deemed edible they will not seek you out.
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It was a scary moment in my life. I'd just thought I'd gotten away from some lunatic and then years later I read a piece in Newsweek which described the modus operandi of Ted Bundy and I realised that it was the man I'd been in the car with. Basically I was in an area of New York where there weren't cabs - way over on the East Side in Alphabet City. It was in the early-'70s and I was wearing these very high platform shoes and having a hard time walking. I even took my shoes off and was walking barefoot and that was just as bad. I couldn't get a cab and this man kept circling and coming back, saying, Do you want a ride? I kept saying no. About the fourth or fifth time he came back and I realised I wasn't going to get a cab so I got in the car. When I got in it was very hot and I realised the windows were all closed except for a fraction. I looked down to open one and there were no handles. Then I stared around the inside of the car and it was completely stripped out. I remember the hackles on the back of my neck standing up. He smelled awful, he had this incredible odour. So I wriggled my arm out through this little crack and opened the door from the outside. I don't know how I did it, but I saved my life.
Chilling in more ways than one- when I Googled this story again to paste it in here, I found it on Snopes. Seems the facts don't add up. Ms. Harry could not have, logistically, been abducted by Bundy. Read here, why she's at best misguided: http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/debharry.asp
Additionally, the article noted that many women claimed similar "encounters." I did learn that Ms. Harry was a heroin user, heroin use is known to cause psychopathy. Makes me wonder what heroin did to Blondie? I will never hear Heart of Glass the same way!
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From the Net- Anonymous it's OK to bash (verbally) Ns
Recently, I've read a few posts in this group,
and in other groups, that suggest bashing Ns is an unacceptable
behavior. In no uncertain terms, I would like to disagree with this.
I believe that for the victims of Ns, bashing Ns is absolutely part
of the recovery to good health, emotional well being, legal and
physical safety and basic life stability. It's necessary, in my
opinion, as part of creating healthy boundaries with Ns and 'seeing'
Ns for what they are, emotionally/socially dangerous people. Bashing
Ns is necessary in society to remove the diabolical camouflage Ns
have employed for thousands of years as part of committing every kind
of atrocity from pedophilia to mass homicide. Ns in my experience are
ALL criminal in their behavior on a continuum. This criminality may
be on the 'mild' end, such as 'mere' fraud, stealing, pathological
lying in business...on a 'small' scale or larger, such as committed
by Enron, which has fairly ruined American economic good health for
some time. Or the criminality may be more gross, such as rape,
incest, battering or 'just' being a con artist.
How to measure a disorder like Nism that at core means not having a
whole true self, exploitative ill will and a profound lack of
integrity?
I don't think the idea that Ns have guilt is useful in this
measurement, except to say that at the far end of the N spectrum,
psychopaths experience freedom from the social/moral/emotional burden
of a conscience.
Having guilt does not mean having a healthy conscience just as
knowing what hurts a person doesn't mean having healthy empathy. A
healthy conscience, as healthy empathy, means responding in a healthy
way. Ns may have guilt but it doesn't deter them from being sadistic.
Ns may astutely observe how others experience hurt and then respond
cunningly, just to get away with even more exploitation or be more
trickily sadistic. The shame Ns may feel can be discharged
inappropriately, projected onto somebody inappropriately like
emotional vomit. I have never experienced an N being capable of
saying a sincere "I'm sorry".
The core issue with Ns, in my own understanding, is that they have a
deeply disordered true self, which is unable to feel genuine good
will towards others in any meaningful way, nor capable of genuine
healthy empathy in any meaningfully sustained way. An N's disordered
true self seems incapable of fundamental emotional or moral
integrity. The disorder is, from what I understand, at core, shame-
based and essential to the disorder is projecting shame-rage-blame
onto others. Those who get close to an N are devalued. That is the
expression of an N's intimacy, devaluing.
Those who have been victimised by an N, either brutally or subtly,
are on the receiving end of an N's deep malice, profound ill-will,
deception, ridicule and crazy-making interpersonal exploitation. If
this cunning abuse by an N is endured for a duration of time it has a
tremendously negative impact on the life of the person who survives
it. For thousands of years this negative impact has been trivialised
by any number of people who are in denial about N abuse, such as the
clergy, counsellors, doctors. The victims' pain has been, until now,
denied. To this day there are people in the world trying to disprove
N abuses of horrendous proportions, such as the abuses of
Hitler/Stalin/Milosevic.
The pain suffred because of Ns needs, in my opinion, to be shouted
out, written out, spoken, declared in great detail. Compassion for Ns
may be that Ns themselves were once victimised. But Ns HAVE NO RIGHT
to abuse others!!!! Ns have no legal, moral or social right to abuse
others AT ALL!!! EVER!!! Compassion can sanely be applied to what is
DESERVING of compassion. An abuser, imo, is not a sane choice for
compassion. I believe an abuser is a choice for an active expression
of deep anger! Appropriate responses to being abused by an N might be
to save one's life and get away as fast as possible, as strategically
as possible and to stay away with savvy.
Of course, if Ns want to work on healing themselves they can. I wish
them good luck, as I do anybody who wishes to recover. In my
experience I have never met any recovering N who has been
consistently sane or emotionally stable for any length of time. I've
observed that the more attention an N gets, the more pity especially
from victims of N abuse, the more malignant that N becomes.
At the same time I'd like to say that I think N-bashing has its
limits and when it goes on too long is a sign of not moving forward
and sincerely examining our own traits as an N-Codependent, with the
intention of healing what prompted remaining in a relationship with
an abuser for so long and to heal the scars caused by enduring such
abuse. It takes, imo, many stages to detach from relationships with
Ns, including handling not being believed by others, who do not know
better, what horrible pain and suffering Ns have inflicted.
Assessing oneself as an NCo, focusing on NCo issues, also has its
limits and then, in my experience, it's time to create a better life,
nurture one's loving heart with healthier new friends, having edited
one's address book of all Ns, all unrecovering NCos and knowing that
N abuse will pop up once in a while and to be savvy about not getting
re-enmeshed in a toxic relationship, as well as work on one's own
issues thoughout life.
Below is info about a book that discusses how to measure personality
disorders.
Measuring Psychopathology
by Anne Farmer, Peter McGuffin, and Julie Williams
Oxford University Press, 2002
Them thar's my 2 cents. lol!
love,
Nicky
NEXT MONTH: What BMI (body mass index) may tell us about someone.
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Monthly letter for victims of psychopaths and malignant narcissists. Each month the "Letter" will bring anecdotes about celebrity narcissists, research about psychopathy and narcissism and highlight issues pertinent to those recovering from narcissistic abuse.
http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com
Holy Water Salt
The idea of N-Dipping is this. Jake (from Aftermath), in talking with
another person,
asked her if she had lapsed in her resolve to stay away from the xN.
Jake formed the question by saying, "Have you been N-dipping lately??
meaning have you had addictive, close contact with the N.
I loved that phrase, N-Dipping, for the temporary lapse and addictive
reverting to seeing the N again.
I think it is an essential part of the N-Co recovery process to N-Dip.
First, in the beginning, N-Dipping is addictive, compulsive and by
seeing one's craving for N-Dipping after one has RESOLVED to let go of
the N, one starts to recognize that one is compulsive.
Bad feelings come up after N-Dipping. Shame and wanting to hide the fact
that one's been N-Dipping from one's recovery buddies, especially after
all the ugly things one has said about the N.
So the N-Co gets to see there is a compulsive attraction to Ns and THAT
needs to be worked on.
Even after one has physically detached from the N and one can SEE the N
as an impaired being, there is still a craving for N-Dipping. It may be
more furtive now, like a desire to eavesdrop but not really get that
close.
This is the beginning of the N-Dipping becoming a validation of the
truths one knows about Ns.
It's like knowing something smells nasty but giving it a sniff anyway,
just to make sure.
I think N-Dipping may go on for quite a long time in each N-Co's
recovery as part of the recovery process. The N thing is hard to
believe. Could they really, really, really, really, really be a N? Or am
I making this stuff up? So one N-Dips as a reality check. One goes in
for a sniff and yup, it's nasty alright! LOL!!!
So after a while one loses a taste for N-Dipping, largely, in my own
experience, because I have received TONS of validation from my Loving
Support Network and recovery friends that sure enough, that N, really
and truly is a N. There is nowhere to go with the relationship. It's
over.
The N-Co becomes more and more emotionally sober in spiraling stages of:
receiving heaps of loving validation from recovery friends, grieving naming the abuses in minute detail so they come to light and the pain they caused can be honored feeling increasingly assertive, alive, libidinous emotions that were long suppressed around the N bubble up uncomfortably healthy relationship boundaries are appropriately set in place all over
one's life in various places N-Dipping
small increments
and life feels like one walked out of the Emergency Ward into the light
of day. The N-Co is wounded but alive and slowly rejoicing in that with
a profound humility and gratitude.
The healing spiral continues long after the N is an x.
The N-Co discovers certain points about the N became hooks to the N-Co,
just as the N is also hooked to the N-Co for NS. (I visualize threads
between these hooks and as I detach in recovery these threads grow
weaker while my self-esteem grows stronger. Some significant threads are
simply cut with a sudden awakening/understanding.)
It's highly effective to name the hook in writing, describe it in detail
and to create a detaching antidote for oneself witnessed by one's Loving
Support Network here in Aftermath. Hooks and Detaching antidotes.
Detaching has many layers, including protecting oneself from being
stalked, taking legal action, gathering witnesses, using a tape recorder
skillfully and creating the all important Loving Support System on a
daily basis.
Taking Healthy Action in increments that are manageable to begin
creating a healthy life that has nothing to do with any N.
Acting on enjoying life. Making EFFORT to create happiness in one's life
in all the tiny mosaic pieces that make up any day or night. Sharing
that joy with pleasant, likeable people.
Working on not feeling or being smothered, on not feeling or being
abandoned in healthy relationships. Working on being able to connect
and individuate in a healthy way, appropriately.
Becoming comfortable with life not being perfect, even enjoying its
glitches, being able to laugh on occasion at the funniness of being a
vulnerable human being. As Maresie says "progress not perfection".
Love,
Nicky Skye