Monthly Echo: newsletter about narcissists and their nasty deeds!

[holywa...@gmail.com]

The only difference between me and a madman is the fact that I am not
mad.
-Salvador Dalí
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Feature Article: Hoovering the Narcissist
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Victims of malignant narcissists often make the mistake of knowing
what their psycho is up to. They find him to be merry, light and
bright. Truth be told, they want to know he's hurting, devastated,
anything but happy. They don't like him; resent how he treated them
and now how he gets on without an apparent care.

But his life as carefree as it is, is that, free of care. He cares for
no one. All is a lark, NOTHING is a concern. Life without gravitas,
concern, and worry does not exist. He is not living outside the narrow
definition of life, he has vital signs, assuming he is warm blooded.
But if all around him died today, he'd pack up and move one and within
a day or so have a new home and acquaintances. The pity he could
generate from losing all would fuel him for years, loss is his gain.

Negative and positive attention is "supply" for a psychopath. Like a
cockroach, he'll eat "cake" or feces all the same. Logically victims
know psycho's happiness is unreal, more mania from duping yet another
woman; it is too soon, recently divorced and/or out of another
affair, to be genuinely attached. Psychos are often divorcing and
involved with at least one other extra-marital affair. Acknowledging
the triangulation (often [sic] "octagonation") can makes victims
unsteady, and question their judgment, for they allowed a man who is
a serial cheater (least among his character defects) to determine
their self-worth and happiness. Why? Because knowing him initially was
like breathing easier, being in the sun and feeling as if they were
genuinely special. Gone were the victims every day worries and
obsessions, instead they had hope. He made them happy, intially..
All of that was ruse though, an act to get supply: money; sex, status
and/or attention.

Simple as that, the psycho exploits vulnerabilities to get supply.
Screwing, literally and/or figuratively, the victim is a feat that
devastates the victim's entire life and view of their self. When
pushed up against the wall- my psycho claimed his only interest in me
was charitable. He didn't want me in the missionary position; he
wanted to minister to my loneliness. Teach me how to be friendly,
that's what he said.

I repeat these facts in my head; and I feel the anger and betrayal
again, again and again. This is not the first time in my life someone
has betrayed me to that degree, but it is the first time someone
spelled it out. And I said nothing. I was afraid if I got angry, he'd
go away.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? Same as battered women do, same as a
child who has their head bounced off of a wall: "What will I do if I
lose the little attention I get? If I yell, will they hurt me more?" I
realize this now, I have maintained status quo in many situations to
keep whatever I have, because I knew no better.

Until now, now I know alone is preferable to exploited and abused,
preferable to living out someone else's lie. I refuse now to
perpetuate untruths- I will walk away from those who cannot treat me
with respect and expect me to partake in my own abuse as the price of
companionship.

And alone is not so bad, it's quiet and peaceful. Solitude is soothing
and is fed by what you provide it.
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Celebrity Narcissist: Alma Mahler
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Who else but a psychopath drives a man to commission the creation of a
life-size doll of them to cope with their desertion? The puppet was
eventually ritually beheaded in a night of drunkenness and torment.
(See puppet here: http://www.alma-mahler.at/engl/almas_life/puppet.html
)Who drives a German Cardinal from the priesthood into her arms? Men
to volunteer for the front during WWI? ALMA!
Contemporaries disrespectfully called her "The Widow of the 4 Arts",
referring to music, architecture, painting and literature: this was a
hand with four aces. The composer Gustav Mahler died of having loved
her too much, painter Oskar Kokoschka was unable to get over losing
her his whole life long, architect Walter Gropius was a plaything in
her hands, and poet Franz Werfel wrote: "She is one of the very few
magical women who exist!".
Lovers & Husbands

Gustav Klimt
Alexander Zemlinsky
Gustav Mahler
Walter Gropius
Oskar Kokoschka
Franz Werfel
Johannes Hollnsteiner
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From the Net- Anonymous Wisdom about grieving
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If a relationship with a N is life in the Twilight Zone, then healing
from a pattern of relationships with Ns is the Dead Zone. When N-
Codependents despise the Ns in their life for the abuse enough to want
it to stop, really and truly stop, the beginning of freedom has begun.
Leaving any N has more layers than a Napoleon pastry, each one painful
in a different way. Read...

"NickySkye
Grieving a Narcissist by
NickySkye 2005
Dear Recovery Friends:
Grieving the loss of a relationship with a Narcissist has many layers.
They are not the usual layers of grieving a healthy person. The
problem is that some of the layers ARE the same as grieving a healthy
person but then there are layers reserved only for the loss of an N
relationship, which are not understood by the 'civilian' population
and can ONLY be understood by those who have survived a significant
relationship with a Narcissist or Psychopath. In a healthy
relationship break-up one grieves: The dream of love not continuing.
The break in the continuity of the familiar. The pain of saying
goodbye. The sadness of the exchange of ill will in the parting. A
sense of loss. Living with the nostalgia of things one used to do
together, broken memories of past pleasures. Hope interrupted. Well
wishing put aside for self-survival.

Those are typical feelings that can come up after a break-up of a
healthy relationship. But grieving an N there are other ingredients,
not available to the public understanding, such as: The nightmare of
going from being idealized to being devalued. Discovering the web of
lies on many levels. Coming to terms with the terrible, terrible
understanding that one was not an object of love but a source of
Narcissistic Supply. That in itself is so painful that it has many
stages of comprehension.

The dawning of understanding that one's nostalgia and tender memories
of affection for the N were corrupted by the N's agenda. Not being
believed by people about some of the weird things the N did and
feeling isolated in one's grief more than in grieving a healthy break-
up. Discovering with some horror, mingled with relief of a strange
kind, that the person one loved was not the person one thought one
loved. Everything about the relationship shifts into the garish
clinical light of the dimly. One's object of former love is now
something of a lab specimen, "a typical N".Not being able to let go
with love but having to let go only with understanding. The closure
itself has the sadness of knowing the ex is disfigured, deformed but
always dangerous. When one hears one's healthy ex is having sex with a
new person, married, or has gone on in their life, there is a sting of
sadness, the nostalgia for 'what could have been'.

That itself, the astringency becomes part of the detaching. And as
time goes by that sting becomes a well wishing, including the ex in
one loves prayers. The ex gets woven into the fabric of one's fond
memories. But with an N, news of their present life always bring
chills of fear and twinges of unresolved grieving. Who are they
hurting now? Will they ever come into my life again? Was I not
important to them, was all that for nothing? Knowing about the N's
need for Narcissistic Supply one cannot help thinking will they come
back for my NS? Was *my* NS something they treasured and miss? But in
the light of day, understanding the N means that one is not valued for
who one IS but only as a commodity, for NS, empty, meaningless Shafter
the detachment is physically complete with an N there is the nagging
abyss of was that all for nothing? It's a terrible loss and there is
nowhere to go with that loss. It's static. It doesn't evolve into lost
love. It just remains as a loss. Grieving a N is a burden, it's a hole
in one's life.
Love,
NickySkye
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Monthly letter for victims of psychopaths and malignant narcissists.
Each month the "Letter" will bring anecdotes about celebrity
narcissists, research about psychopathy and narcissism and highlight
issues pertinent to those recovering from narcissistic abuse.
http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com

[Holy Water Salt]

“I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism,” asserts Woody Allen’s character, Sid Waterman
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Feature Article:
 Am J Psychoanal. 1986 Fall;46(3):219-29.
The real self of narcissistic personalities: a clinical approach.

Svrakić DM.
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The article I list above is one of the most profound pieces of writing I have read on narcissism. Disturbingly this article attempts to describe the real personality within the narcissist- this explanation does not take long as this "personality" is what you see.

Clinical manifestations of the real self are much more pronounced in borderline-narcissistic patients, and clinical descriptions in this work mostly refer to such patients. In comparison, in the less severe narcissistic pathology, the structure of the real self remains more hidden, and the spectrum of corresponding clinical manifestations is less accessible to clinical observation.

The more symptomatic a psychopath is, the more you are witnessing the true psychopath. This  is in direct contradiction to the commonly held belief that these behaviors are cries for help. There is no lost soul inside, they are empty.
 

According to my clinical observations, the intrapsychic structure of 
the real self is directly clinically manifested through (1) experience of 
insecurity,(2) pursuit of metamorphosis, (3) occasional (overwhelming) 
fatigue by living, (4) hypochondriacal preoccupations, and (5) 
black-and-whiteperspective of the world. I will discuss these points in 
turn.

Psychopaths are innately insecure, as they have no core self and therefore have nothing to build upon. Life for a psychopath is not a progression of successes and failures, events and relationships, moments and emotions, that equal today; today is blank slate that is built upon the moment, not the past for the psychopath. The psychopath I knew spoke often about "not living in the past " ( you know a week ago-implying he was not bound by those old agreements: marriage and such) and being mad at someone one day and the next feeling no anger at all. He wasn't expressing magnanimity, he just didn't care. Psychopaths do not care as we do, and as a result would forget a grievance if it was advantageous to do so, or create one out-of-the-blue if need be. All is relative in other words, there isn't a past or a future just a drive to get what they want in the moment. Such a drive does not allow one to rest, to reflect, to savor the past, and that leads to the feeling of insecurity or rather hunger, they are are never full.

Experience of Insecurity
As many authors have shown, in the core of every narcissistic personality
there exists, more or less pronounced, experience of insecurity and inferiority.
These experiences are generically connected with the real self,
which, as Giovacchini (1978) wrote, represents "frightened, helpless, and
confused infantile orientation." Because of their numerous clinical
manifestations of inferiority and insecurity, narcissistic patients are often
described as "hypersensitive."

It is this existence that drives their insecurity. Round and round they go- from amusement to amusement, getting sick from the impermanence and instability, but never staying anywhere or with anyone long enough to alleviate the "nausea." Their insecurity is not one of self-loathing, just the necessary state of someone who lives outside of any bounds. To fill their empty souls they must feed on the novel (objects or objectified, idealized persons) . Key is the degree that they are extremely sensitive to criticism, and it makes sense if you base your contentment on relative factors such as outside approval or even just acknowledgement. Psychopaths want attention, good or bad, and are sensitive when not paid it.  

For this reason they are perpetually in a state of reinvention. Roles changes as easily as wardrobes, people come and go from their lives; those of a semi-permanent nature, such as relatives, fall in and out of favor generally based on the psychopath's need at the time.One day they are practicing Wicca the next they are visiting a Mosque. Dependent on whom they are speaking to, they are conservative or liberal and not just to be in agreement with the speaker sometimes to oppose to extract narcissistic supply, attention. Nothing better than angering someone to garner total interest in your words. Even their speech can change, with one audience they are the English as a second language immigrant, with others so fluent as to appear a native speaker. 

Pursuit of Metamorphosis
In the majority of narcissistic patients, I have often observed a hope (fantasy)
that, by acquiring sufficient gratification in the external world or
through a relationship with a sufficiently valuable object, they will overcome
their insecurity and inferiority. Consequently, narcissistic patients
are in constant pursuit of a certain grand object that will transform their
inner world and bring about satisfaction.Although quite similar to neurotic 
solution described by Horney (1945,1950), the pursuit of metamorphosis is a 
specifically narcissistic search for solution. One is dealing here with 
narcissistic tendency to achieve grandiosity through narcissistic 
identification with the grand object.

Since I have known my psychopath, he has gone through one wife, at least three relationships (overlapping and contemporaneous), attempted to become a member of the clergy (no joke), changed his style and behavior and taken on those of someone ten years younger than he. Not to mention, the micro-changes he makes daily as he devalues and discards those around him, easily trackable now due to Face book. As he said he "idealizes" and he demonstrates regularly "devalues."

These changes are not without cost to the psychopath, They exhaust him physically. The psychopath I had the misfortune of being acquainted with, rarely slept a full night. Often he was sleepless and perpetually exhausted, distraught and angered by someone refusing to leave a window open or daring to question his furniture arrangement.
Psycho could tolerate no input into his environment. 

Occasional Fatigue by Living
SimuItaneously with successfu I narcissistic fu nction ing, narcissistic 
persons will occasionally feel peculiar and overwhelming tiredness,
inauthenticity, or meaninglessness of their existence. Moreover, in these
short periods, such persons clearly recognize that their envy separates
them from the environment and prevents them from establishing close
relations with others. Subjective experiences of this kind reflect the temporary
emergency of the real self on the surface, in the field of perception of
(successful) narcissistic persons.

To this day, he sleeps publicly on a bench (he's not homeless, I am referring to a public place we both frequent) and has appeared more and more disheveled as his "supply" has changed. No longer does he have extra income and access to life's comforts, the price he has paid for trading a career-minded wife for a twenty-something student. Even this loss of socio-economic status has been purloined by his disorder to serve his ego. Now he is wizened, eccentric, almost Desert fatheresque vagabond  artist. He looks like Manson, which is appropriate, but even more shocking given a few months ago he would have donned an ascot cockily.  

The psychopath I knew was loathe to discuss health, even dental work. While he would talk about everything else under the sun without hesitation, health was never spoken about. Even ailments of other people were verboten and the one time I attempted to get some support for a serious medical issue, psycho implored me to remember "he's not good at these things." He couldn't even listen, yet I have to live with the condition. In addition to their hypochondria, their innate disinterest in anyone else explains my psycho's callousness toward me. Sickness did befall him though, and that he used too. Relatively minor surgery became a reason to retreat to his mother's house for week long care. Overriding his child's mother's objection, he signed-off on questionable surgery and milked the attention of the children's hospital staff and anyone else who would listen. In fits of rage he would claim he has ADD and Asperger's syndrome and then project and called me a sociopath and insane. Additionally, he had a sick fascination with dying women, he often said they "turned him on."  And he admitted to looking for porn of the disabled. 

Hypochondriacal Preoccupations
An important clinical feature of narcissistic personality disorder are
"hypochondriacal preoccupations with physical and mental health, and
vegetative disturbances in various organ systems" (Kohut, 1971). Indeed,
the majority of narcissistic personalities are permanently anxious about
their bodies, body parts, and internal organs, or about their mental functioning,
i.e., they experience "hypochondriacal brooding" (Kohut, 1971).
From the structural standpoint, these hypochondriac elements are clinical
expressions of deep internal insecurity regarding one's own physical
and mental abilities and are generically connected with the impaired real
self structure.

I suspect his perverse interest in death and disability was his commodifcation of morbidity and mortality.No one, psychopath's included, can control sickness and death, but normal folks may use dark humor to cope; psychopaths go further and find a way to milk even those in the most desperate of straights. A dying woman at least has her dignity in suffering but if a psychopath can debauch her in the most vulnerable of states, well that's a win.  

I think they act deviantly because that is the way they act. It sounds simplistic,but psychopaths do not act in degrees. They have definite goals, satisfaction of their desire for power and control, and like bottom feeders they must squeeze "supply" out of any available resource. There's no heart in them, they don't soften to a child or elderly person; all is fair game, they see everyone and everything in relation to their food value. To them "others" wear labels that list what type kind and amount of supply is available. A beautiful, awkward young girl with a speech impediment provides the possibility for months worth of fun to the psychopath. He could sport he on his arm and look successful, mock her and call it speech therapy and appear saintlike for being so patient.

 

Black-and-White Perspective of the World
The split-off structure of the real self is clinically recognized in 
narcissistic patients by their typically viewing the world as the "world of 
glitter" and the "world of misery"; wealth, fame, and success are sharply 
contrasted with poverty, somberness, and failure. Such a division of the 
external world reveals the corresponding division of the internal one 
(grandiosity vs. misery).

 
It is not a comprehensive article, but lays out and explains the behavior of narcissism. And ultimately the inner self of the psychopath which as it ends up is the sum total of what we see.
 
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Celebrity Narcissists
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Collection Development "True Crime": Serial Killers in the Stacks

By Deirdre Bray Root -- Library Journal,09/01/2007

Whether it’s cheering on the detectives, decrying a travesty of justice, or peeking into the mind of a psychopathic killer, we all love a good true crime story. Witness the popularity of the cable channel CourtTV and the success of such “ripped from the headlines” television series as Law and Order, CSI, and their spin-offs—as well as The Sopranos. Surely the public’s fascination with gruesome serial killings (Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer), celebrity scandals (O.J. Simpson, Phil Spector), mob hits (John Gotti’s assassination of Paul Castellano), historic murders (Lizzie Borden, Jack the Ripper), political assassinations (JFK), and other bizarre crimes (Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco) won’t subside soon.

http://www.libraryjournal.com/index.asp?layout=talkbackCommentsFull&talk_back_header_id=6466200&articleid=CA6471073 

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From the Net- Anonymous Wisdom about Rage
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“Thoughts on Narcissism and Narcissistic Rage”

Heinz Kohut, M.D. 

      Kohut’s psychoanalytic theories on narcissism provide explanation for and expansion of the fundamental Freudian concept of a disparity between reality and pleasure principles.  I assert that intentions of self-fulfillment often turn violent and perverse when the Freudian concept of possessing others (“object-choice”) that was meant to unify reality and sexuality transforms into the exploitation of family and lovers.  The internal/external, pleasure/reality, man against the world conflict is brought into the household, ostensibly because an individual struggle holds no import in the world at large.  Kohut [directly] addresses this conflict in his [explanation] of the fragmented self, seeking cohesion, which often [vents] frustration and suppression of the grandiose self by means of narcissistic rage.

      Freudian beliefs maintain that in order to resolve the reality and pleasure principle disparity the self turns to “narcissistic object-choice” (or “identification”) and “anaclitic object-choice”.  These dual desires, to be like another and to possess another, respectively, emerge when a child realizes that the indistinguishable unification between pleasure and reality has been demolished (Brown 41).  Freud claims that an infant’s self-preservation (the essence of one’s reality) is directly connected to its sexual gratification, therefore once this conjunction has been [ruptured/severed] by further development, the child and subsequent adult forever seeks to regain this association.  As one matures I believe that this association between reality and pleasure principles parallels the association between an individual’s external (reality) and internal (pleasure) self.  Kohut argues that this conflict [emerges] from the impeded development of the ego and misguided narcissism.  Kohut cites parent-child relationships as instrumental in a child’s cohesion of self, parents as necessary “mirroring” figures for a child who requires consistent approval and validation as integral to development.  Without sufficient “mirroring”, a child’s “narcissistic cathexis…remains thus unaltered and its archaic grandiosity and exhibitionism cannot be integrated with the remainder of the psychic organization” but instead “become split off from the reality ego or separated from it through repression” (Kohut 373).  That is to say the child develops a fragmented self through discountednarcissism. 

      Kohut attests that once the separation of self-grandiosity from the reality ego prevents future modification by external influences (Kohut 373).  However this seems to refute an earlier claim that transitional periods and emotional situations serve as catalysts for a “reshuffling of the self” throughout one’s life, not merely in the early stages of childhood development (Kohut 367).  Also Kohut’s aforementioned pessimisstic claim seems to undermine the whole purpose of psychotherapy.  This leads me to a contrary belief, in the ability of an individual to unify a formerly fragmented self through appropriately directed narcissism and by [integrating oneself with ideal object-choice].  Moreover, I feel that society at large, more specifically, the members of society whom one chooses for intimate relationships (lovers, friends, family) replace the parental, or more exactly, the maternal role of “mirroring” necessary in childhood.  While I feel that childhood development may be the most significant upon an individual’s life, I dually believe that since the self [endures/sustains] continual reshuffling, one still requires a consistent reaffirmation of self.  Kohut states that self-affirmation adopts several forms, approving-mirroring, merging with a idealized self-object, and [tangentially/ transitively], possessing another (arguably a form of merging) (Kohut 386).  Thus, this external dependence derived from an insufficiency of self forges the individual’s conflict between external/internal and reality/pleasure.

      Threats directed toward the self and associated feelings of shame often elicit narcissistic rage as a type of premeditated retaliation against a perceived injurious force, as in another person.  The subconscious mentality is as follows: defeat the enemy before it defeats you, before it destroys your delusion of the perfection and “limitlessness of the power and knowledge of a grandiose self” (Kohut 385).  This vengeful expression results from the neglect of the ego and inadequate recognition of the necessity and acceptability of a healthily directed narcissism.  By a healthily directednarcissism I mean an ego secure in its self-esteem, whose ambitions are directed toward a meaningful reality.  Once again reality surfaces as a byproduct in the resolution of narcissism, effectually, in the resolution of the internal/external binary that appears at the heart of self-conflict.

[Holy Water Salt]

The heart of the sons of men is full of evil, and madness is in their heart while they live.--Eccl. 9:3.

 

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Thank you for your notes and encouragement!

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Feature Article: Moral Insanity

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Moral insanity, on the other hand, is will-madness. The man retains his intellectual powers unimpaired, but he sets his heart fully to evil. He refuses to yield to the demands of his conscience. He practically discards the obligations of moral responsibility. He has the powers of free moral agency, but persistently abuses them. He has a reason which affirms obligation, but he refuses obedience to its affirmations. MORAL INSANITY - PRESIDENT FINNEY.

 

I often wonder about the sanity of psychopaths, especially when one reads of the seemingly insane things they do and say to others in public, in front of witnesses. Posters on various forums never cease to startle me with their tales of life with a psychopath. One woman outlined her daily routine mandated by the psychopath - it started with stripping naked the moment she arrived home from work. Imagine being emotionally and physically naked in the presence of a psychopath every moment you are at home. Home, that for most people is a refuge, becomes a cage for a victim of psychopaths; if victims are not literally ordered to strip they are emotionally stripped and no where they go is "home." Victims become refugees in their own lives and began to question their sanity and even if they could be narcissists themselves. There's always some new spin, some depravity I had not read of. It is sad and disturbing, but the common thread of utter disregard for the victim's humanity coupled with deep need to debase has made me realize every day evil is anything but disorganized and virus-like..

 

Who would do this,but the insane? The power hungry- that's who. Psychopaths do and say many things madmen do, but they are predators not psychotics. They must feed their egos and they do this through exertion of power and control. Some sit on boards, others literally sit on top of victims, both acts get the desired effect: submission. Instead of working hard and accumulating success through normal channels,psychopaths employ duplicitous means to win and delight in the "ignorance" of all around. It is not enough to get the prize, their competitors, critics, must be made fools of.

 

This need to denigrate and destroy the "loser" is a sign of the thoughtfully evil, not the insane. In other words, it's "madness chosen."  Psychopaths choose to operate out of any sense of morality. Psychopaths are archetypal relativists, really [sic] expedientists.  Whatever it takes whenever to get what they want. This behavior can appear to others as insanity, because often their acts sacrifice every thing they have, but I suspect what we do not understand completely about psychopaths, that along with their relativism, they also aspire to "a live for the day mentality." Carpe Diem. Being that they truly could never be the sum of anything they have or worked for since they're beliefs, affiliations and affections are fleeting and transitory - psychopaths literally live for the moment.

 

This ability to be really present in the moment was what first attracted and ultimately drove me away from the psychopath.Literally nothing mattered outside the moment to the psychopath I knew. Nothing. Being someone who frets over the past, present and the future I felt alive initially around someone who seemed to be able to enjoy life in its fullness. But the psychopath's joie de vivre  was bought at a cost I couldn't comprehend or pay- loyalty and morality. Almost all ppeople who act with even some restraint , even when impaired by substances, and feel remorse when they act outside natural law. The fact psychopaths act regardless of the law that is written on our consciences lead most to believee they crazy. 

 

They are crazy like a fox. They may act like the crazy, say murder someone, but when they are examined they show no mental illness. This is because they are sane. Their illness is not physical, as in mental illness, but spiritual, a disorder of the character.

 

This study reveal the difference between the psychopathic and the psychotic killer:

OBJECTIVE: This study attempted to statistically distinguish subgroups of murderers with mental disorders from among 26 hospitalized men (mean age=34 years) who were committed to a maximum security forensic hospital. METHOD: Measures consisted of objective ratings of psychosis and psychopathy and neuropsychological tests of intelligence, memory and attention, executive functions, and academic abilities. RESULTS: Cluster analysis produced two distinct subgroups: one defined by high incidence of psychosis and low level of psychopathy and one by low incidence of psychosis and high level of psychopathy, each corresponding to distinct neuropsychological differences in intellectual abilities, learning disabilities, and social intelligence. CONCLUSIONS: In light of this relatively small, highly select group, these novel findings must be viewed as preliminary. Studies of larger cohorts are needed before definitive conclusions can be drawn as to the reliability of these two distinct symptom clusters, each independently validated by neuropsychological measures of intelligence, sociality, and academic abilities.

Am J Psychiatry 159:138-140, January 2002

====

 

I'd change that diagnosis psychopaths are IMMORALLY SANE- they choose their sinfulness and their spiritual sickness is the result of unrepentant sin willfully chosen over and over.
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Celebrity Narcissist: Edna Vincent Millay -poet 

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Thursday

AND if I loved you Wednesday,

Well, what is that to you?

I do not love you Thursday--

So much is true.

And why you come complaining

Is more than I can see.

I loved you Wednesday,--yes--but what

Is that to me?

•  The Penitent

  I HAD a little Sorrow,

  Born of a little Sin,

  I found a room all damp with gloom

  And shut us all within;

  And, "Little Sorrow, weep," said I,

  "And, Little Sin, pray God to Die,

  And I upon the floor will lie

  And think how bad I've been!"

  Alas for pious planning--

  It mattered not a whit!

  As far as gloom went in that room,

  The lamp might have been lit!

  My Little Sorrow would not weep,

  My Little Sin would go to sleep--

  To save my soul I could not keep

  My graceless mind on it!

  So up I got in anger,

  And took a book I had,

  And put a ribbon in my hair

  To please a passing lad.

  And, "One thing there's no getting by--

  I've been a wicked girl," said I;

  "But if I can't be sorry, why,

  I might as well be glad!"

   

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RECOMMENDED READINGS ON NARCISSISM, ETC.

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"The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love and the Family." Eleanor Payson.

"Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists In Your Life." Les Carter.

"Why Is it Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life." Sandy Hotchkiss.

"The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment." Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman.

"The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self." Alice Miller.

"In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People." George Simon.

"Narcissism and Intimacy: Love and Marriage in an Age of Confusion." Marion Solomon.

"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How To Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing." Beverly Engel.

"The Illusion of Love: Why the Battered Woman Returns to Her Abuser." David Celani.

"Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry." Albert Bernstein.

"Safe People." Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

"Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Becoming One of Them." Jay Carter.

"Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Lundy Bancroft.

"People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil." M. Scott Peck.

"Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples." Harville Hendrix.

Books by Nina Brown:

"The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern."

"Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents."

"Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner."

"Working with the Self-Absorbed: How to Handle Narcissistic Personalities on the Job."

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[Holy Water Salt]

Idle people are often bored and bored people, unless they sleep a lot are often cruel.  It is no accident that boredom and cruelty are great preoccupations of our time. ~ Reneta Adler (Psychopaths are notoriously "bored")

Narcissistic Abuse Survey Update! I have 140 replies so far. Thank you!

http://www.eSurveysPro.com/Survey.aspx?id=30d0cae9-b0c4-4858-b434-62a0961d3e54

 

I am sending all who responded to the survey this newsletter as a sample. I will not send it again. If you would like to subscribe, please see link at bottom.

 

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Feature Article: Applying the lesson

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Recently I was the victim of an assault. I could call it a sexual assault, but that implies I was raped, I was  not.

As I was entering a train station a panhandler approached me for money as I have been approached probably every day since moving to a large city over a decade ago. Panhandlers and con men on the street and in my face are a way of life, and for the most part they keep their distance even when denied a dollar. But not this one. It seems his approach for a "dollar" was actually a front for coping a feel. He got his feel, and something else, something he had not expected: a stint in county jail for his assault.

 

When he touched me, I yelled at him indignantly as other commuters just milled by. He slunk down the stairs and immediately started charming some young women passing out fliers.  It was obvious what his game was, get close enough to touch a breast. Watching from a distance, hoping to find a police officer, I saw him approach numerous women seemingly for change, but weaving his hands all over so that a touch would seem accidental. I wasn't surprised at all that he walked without such wild arm movements, nor was I shocked that he became violent once arrested.  

 

Not surprised at all by his game or his behavior, because I have learned to identify psychopaths in the street and in my family. I look at this incident as a final exam of sorts, I was able to see through the ruse and assert my right to self-preservation and dignity. But even though I filed a report, went to court and saw that he was punished I STILL felt unsure of my right. I wavered the night of the incident, knowing he was in jail ( he has a criminal record), thinking I had over-reacted. I even confessed to my priest that I was "too vengeful,"  he told me I would have been in my right to beat the crap out of him.

 

Where did this feeling come from? Why did I think I didn't deserve to protect myself? Why would I think I over-reacted to a strange man fondling me? I think I know why. In the past I put up with so much abuse from friends, family and loved ones this ONE incident seemed small, though I know intellectually it wasn't. At court the prosecutor thanked me for coming in, for helping get him off the street,  apparently when we stand up for ourselves we stand up for everyone else too.

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Celebrity Narcissist: Crazy Love ( I highly recommend it!)
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Crazy Love is the disturbing story of love and obsession between Burt Pugach and Linda Riss, which shocked the nation during the summer of 1959. Burt, a 32 year old married attorney, and Linda, a beautiful 20 year old single girl living in the Bronx, had a whirlwind romance, concluding in perhaps the most violent and psychologically complex set of actions possible. With the cooperation of the principles, Burt now 79, and Linda, 67, Klores examines the human psyche and the concepts of love, loneliness, insanity, hope and forgiveness.

 

I was astounded to learn half-way through the film to learn this is a true story, but then again I, too, lived through a psychopath

so I shouldn't have been too shocked.

Discussion  of film:

http://www.philoctetes.org/Past_Programs/Crazy_Love 

This is a question for Dr. Gabbard: 
I attended this roundtable which was quite interesting but I was a little disappointed that the discussants were discouraged from discussing the topic of psychopathology as in 'psychopath'. I actually find this a fascinating subject and one which this movie lends itself to examining. In your book about the Sopranos which I read a while back I seem to recall that you did not think Tony Soprano was a psychopath because of his capacity for guilt and remorse but rather considered him a sociopath. What did you think about Burt in this respect? To my mind he showed an almost total lack of remorse or guilt. He seemed to feel completely entitled to Linda and was, for example, unable to comprehend why anyone would want him to be punished (sent to jail) for what he did. I would be very interested to know how you think about this. Thank you. Carole Rosen,MA,LCSW

Edward Nersessian, M.D. says:

Dear Ms. Rosen,
Dr. Gabbard has for reasons unknown not answered your question. So, I hope you don't mind if I do.
First, I agree with you entirely about Burt; he is a true sociopath and I think his behavior in this movie could be used to teach students in our field about sociopathy.
Second, I don't make much of a distinction between the two terms psycho and socio--path.
Third, I diasagree with Gabbard about guilt and remorse. I don't know Tony soprano but it is clear that expression of guilt and remorse has nothing to do with actually feeling remorese. Anyone can say I feel guilty ot feel so bad etc, but these affects are supposed to be signal affects which must lead the person towards moral behavior. If someone keeps saying I feel guilty but continues to commit the same crimes or indiscretions then these signal affects are not working.

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From the Net- Anonymous Love and Narcissism: Mutually Exclusive Conditions 
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6/1/09 

        In his essay, “Theory and Practice,” Immanuel Kant describes 
happiness as something inadvertently experienced through morality, and 
in “The Theme of Moral Blindness and Self-Knowledge,” Kenneth L. Moler 
proposes that the process by which one attains self-knowledge, which 
is “the prerequisite for seeing others clearly,” is the progression 
toward “moral maturity,” and that it is this maturity that enables 
love to develop. Thus, love is contingent upon morality, but is 
otherwise an end in itself, and is either fully actualized or not at 
all. Narcissism, the condition of being excessively self-loving, must 
be characterized similarly; as love composes half of its components 
(the other being the object of love, or namely, oneself), it too must 
be fully actualized or not at all. Because of the totality of the two 
respective conditions, narcissism and love must be mutually 
exclusive. 

        It may be suggested that narcissism is a necessary facet of love, 
that it leads to self-discovery and therefore to the discovery of 
others. But there is a distinction between narcissism and self- 
awareness. Whereas the latter is intended to actively shape an 
individual to progress toward self-knowledge so that one might 
properly view others, narcissism is an inherently selfish condition 
that in no way concerns others. Instead, it seeks to glorify those 
burdened by it, consequently shrouding their own errors from sight. In 
Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, both Elizabeth and Darcy are 
initially characterized by narcissism, and are accordingly led to 
justify their opinions and actions in ways best able to direct all 
blame away from themselves.

 

They are both indeed proud-- this is clearly understood.

Pride is an innate quality of narcissism, though 
the reverse is not always necessarily true. But Darcy and Elizabeth 
are, at first, narcissistic as well. They do not initially use their 
pride constructively, but instead act and think according to notions 
of self-righteousness, even when mere self-awareness could lead them 
otherwise. Elizabeth's relationship with Mr. Wickham, for instance, is 
one not just highly influenced by her dislike of Darcy, but is also 
based on her need, for her own sake, to legitimize her feelings 
intrinsically. To do so, she ignores all of the indecorum with which 
Wickham presents his story to her until Darcy reveals the truth in his 
letter, and it is until then that she is burdened by her own 
narcissism, and not the more constructive self-awareness necessary for 
her moral growth. “She was now struck with the impropriety of such 
communications to a stranger, and wondered  it had escaped her before. 
She saw the indelicacy of putting himself forward as he had done, and 
the inconsistency in his professions with his conduct” (Austen 200). 

        Darcy is likewise misguided by his narcissism when he prevents Jane 
and Bingley from seeing each another when they are both in London. 
This, he admits, was beneath him, and it is seemingly not only his 
concern for Bingley, whose “regard [for Jane] did not appear to [him] 
enough extinguished for [Bingley] to see [Jane] without some 
danger” (194), but also his own self-love that dictates his actions. 
He behaves, at the time, in a way that allows him to further justify 
his convictions about Jane's indifference; for uncertainty on the 
matter would signify his own fallibility. Self-awareness, however, 
requires that he leave room for the possibility of error. It is not 
until Elizabeth most fervently refuses Darcy's proposals that he 
becomes self-aware as opposed to narcissistic. 

        In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the prince also illustrates the mutual 
exclusiveness of love and narcissism. Throughout the play, Hamlet is 
highly inconsistent in professing his feelings toward Ophelia. He 
begins by most ardently expressing to her his affections, and implores 
her to view his love unwaveringly. “'Doubt thou the stars are fire,/ 
Doubt that the sun doth move,/ Doubt truth to be a liar,/But never 
doubt I love'” (Shakespeare 85). In his continued pursuits of avenging 
his father, however, Hamlet's professions become quite contrary to 
what they initially were. He claims, “'I loved you not... [Men] are 
arrant knaves all; believe none of us” (123-125). There seems little 
reason why he would actually change his opinion of her so drastically, 
and the only reasonable explanation of his claiming to have done so is 
that he has made her part of his scheme.

 

But in Kant's kingdom of ends, the moral zenith is the point at which all of humanity is 
treated as ends in themselves, and as morality is that which effects 
love, Hamlet cannot love Ophelia if this is the case. And yet, after 
Ophelia's death, he once again expresses to those attending her 
funeral his supposedly undying love for her. It is indeed his 
narcissism that causes this. He cannot accept that he is one of the 
base men of whom he earlier speaks, one of the countless “arrant 
knaves” who utilize women to satisfy their own desires (125). Nor can 
he accept that he could very well be, largely in part, the reason for 
Ophelia's death. In his last encounter with her, Hamlet expresses mere 
sexual arousal (implicitly) after denying his love for her and cursing 
woman for her supposedly “'brief... love” (139, 145). Soon afterwards, 
she wanders distractedly around the castle singing nonsensically until 
she eventually commits suicide. Hamlet's claims of love even after he 
has both used her and took part in her death, however, reflect his own 
selfish need to exempt himself from all moral culpability, and he is 
thus rendered incapable of loving anyone but himself. 

        In Mozart and Da Ponte's Don Giovanni, the libertine's narcissism 
cannot be doubted. He glorifies his abilities, and asserts that “there 
is no talent more versatile than [his]” (Da Ponte 71). Indeed, he 
repeatedly assumes quite the air of indifference toward others and 
insists upon his own grandeur elsewhere throughout the libretto as 
well. “[E]ven if the world should fall apart, nothing will ever make 
me be afraid” (64). Supposing that the world did fall apart, and he 
were left with nothing but himself (and an infinite supply of women to 
seduce, presumably), the Don claims that he would care little. His 
narcissism is an essential contributor to his hamartia. Intent on 
pursuing countless women, he cannot understand what awaits him if he 
is to continue living a life of profligacy. He loves himself too much 
because of the libidinal pleasures that he can gather to admit that 
such an unfaltering ability is the very reason for his doom. As such, 
he cannot love Donna Elvira, who implores with him to repent for the 
same ability, but if he were perhaps not so self-loving, he would be 
better able to see the error of his ways and appreciate, not scorn, 
Elvira's pleas.

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Monthly letter for victims of psychopaths and malignant narcissists.
Each month the "Letter" will bring anecdotes about celebrity
narcissists, research about psychopathy and narcissism and highlight
issues pertinent to those recovering from narcissistic abuse.
http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com

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