Fwd: "Why Would We Take Out Our Best Guy?" Iran Cancels Assassination Plans, Assigns Protective Detail to Trump Instead
Art Hunter
BREAKING: Iran confirms it has no interest in a reciprocal assassination against Trump because no weapon it could possibly build, not even nukes, could do more harm to the US than the current president.
Iranian Supreme National Security Council reportedly held a 6 hour emergency session before concluding, and I quote, "Why would we take out our best guy?" Pentagon sources say Iranian military planners actually have a protective detail assigned to Trump. Not to kill him. To make sure nobody else does either. He's considered a strategic asset of incalculable value. "We spent 45 years trying to destabilise America," one senior Iranian official allegedly told Al Jazeera. "This bloke's done more damage in 2 years than our entire revolutionary programme. The man is basically doing our job for free. And badly. Which, in this case, is perfect." Iranian economists have reportedly modelled the cost-benefit analysis and determined that one Trump presidency is worth approximately 14 nuclear warheads, 6 major cyberattacks, and 200 years of anti-American propaganda. And that was BEFORE he started a war that sent oil to $190 a barrel and handed them the moral high ground on a silver bloody platter. In a related development, Iran has officially renamed the Strait of Hormuz. It will now be known as "The Straightjacket of Trump." Tehran says the new name better reflects the corridor's current strategic function, which is slowly squeezing the American economy until it loses its mind. A spokesperson added, "The name also honours the mental state of the man who decided to fight a war on top of his own oil supply line." Meanwhile, Hezbollah has reportedly renamed its internal Trump file from "Great Satan" to "Employee of the Month." The Ayatollah was asked if he feared Trump's military might. He laughed for 11 minutes straight, then said, "The man just mass texted a war plan to half of Washington and bombed a country that sells fuel to his own allies. Fear him? We're thinking about sending him a gift basket." At press time, China, Russia, and North Korea had all issued a rare joint statement asking the US Secret Service to increase Trump's security detail immediately, describing the 79 year old president as "irreplaceable." 😎 ~Gman |
