Dating and Relationships
JustMe-owner
http://www.hatchyouth.org/relationships/
Dating and Relationships
Love
* Love does not hurt. Physical and/or emotional abuse are not a
part of love.
* Love is not manipulative, it should not be used to get others to
do what you want. You should never give in to demands based on the,
"You would do it if you loved me!" tactic.
* Love is an intense feeling of caring for another person. It can
take many different forms (romantic, friendly, familial) but it is
always about caring.
* Although it is true that a big part of love is putting another
person's happiness ahead of your own this never includes compromising
your values or being untrue to yourself.
* If somebody asks you to do something that you don't want to do
in order to "prove" your love they do not love you the way you might
think they do. When you love another person you don't ask them to
sacrifice a part of themselves in the name of love.
* It is very easy to confuse lust for love. The true measure of
romantic love is commitment and trust, not physical attraction.
* It is possible to feel romantic love for more than one person at
a given time. Don't beat yourself up emotionally if you find yourself
in this unhappy situation. But be sure to remain single and be open
and honest with all parties about your feelings and confusion.
* Sex is NOT love. Love is NOT sex. Sex can be a part of romantic
love but it is never mandatory.
* Romantic love can (and often does) fade. When it goes there is
not always a reason. When somebody falls out of love with you it does
not reflect upon your value as a person or your desirability.
* Love should make you feel happy, secure and appreciated.1
Who To Date?
Does it make sense to think about this in advance? YES! Whether we
know it or not, we think about this all of the time. Example - if you
were interested in a relationship with a boy, you wouldn't ask a girl
out. As we grow older, our list is based on our experiences. Right
now, think about what is important to you. Does it matter if they are
funny? Kind? Honest? Can you let go of their bad fashion sense?
Also, think about what would keep you from dating someone else. These
'red flags' are important to know in advance. Example - will you date
someone who uses alcohol? Drugs? If you've already made your decisions
about these things, it will go easier later.
Think about how you will ask someone for a date before you actually do
it. You will be more confident about the whole experience.
Think about how you will say no to someone who asks you for a date.
The best way we know is to say "No, thank you." This is not a chance
to score points off someone else, this is a way to help build gentle
community.
Internet Dating
Special Safety for Internet and Personal Ad Dates
We know you know this already, but just a reminder:
* When giving out geographical information, limit yourself to
region only.
* NEVER, EVER give out your home phone number (remember, when you
give out your home phone number, you've given out your address to
anyone who wants to look it up). Use a pay phone that allows calls in
and set a time to talk.
* If someone suggests you call them collect - your phone number
will appear on their bill.
* If you call them from your cell phone, set your phone so that
your number does not appear on their caller ID.
* Bragging will bring out those wanting to take advantage of you.
Never, ever brag about your possessions, financial situation, looks,
etc. Be a nice person and other nice people will find you. Brag, and
every jerk in creation will come looking for you.
* Your handle tells a lot about you. Choose your handle
considering what you think your best qualities are and the kind of
person you want to attract. Don't change your handle to incorporate
someone else's name or fantasy unless YOU want to do this.
The First Real Life Meeting
OK, so you've met someone on line you want to meet in person. Here's
some tips to keep you safe.
* Always meet in a public place. Don't even agree that the parking
lot is a good idea, you have NO protection from anything in a parking
lot and no, your car is NOT safe! You can be easily overpowered, you
don't know if other cars in the parking lot are safe and nobody from
within can see you.
* Always tell a friend or relative where you will be and write
that information down.
* Never allow yourself to be picked up for the first meeting. If
you don't own transportation, get a ride from a friend, take a car, or
bus. It is NEVER SAFE to leave your home with a total stranger or to
give a total stranger your address.
* Never leave your purse or backpack unattended, even if the
person you are meeting tells you they will watch it for you. Contained
within your purse or whatever you carry is not only the obvious
personal information, but your house and car keys.
* If possible, get a cell phone. Even if everything goes great,
what if you were followed home?2
Healthy Relationships
So, What does a healthy relationship look like? Here's a list of some
of the things you can expect from a healthy relationship:
* Friendship.
* You can manage conflict and differences without despair or
threats.
* Both of you know how to be responsible for your own needs and
the needs of the relationship (we will talk more about this later).
* Arguments and fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-
ups.
* Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings and
emotional issues with little or no shame.
* The relationship feels and is nurturing, comfortable, and fun.
* Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and
lovingly.
* Both partners can and do keep agreements.
* Both partners are honest.
* There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional, financial.
* Both partners have good boundaries. You can say no without
feeling guilty and tell the other when something feels not right or
hurts you.3
Tips For A Great Relationship
Here's a list of some of the things you can do to help your
relationship thrive:
* Talk to each other - your partner cannot read your mind, be
clear about what you want to say and listen carefully to your partner.
* Balance the time you spend away from your partner with the time
you spend with your partner. Balance is the key word here.
* To feel good about your relationship you need to feel good about
yourself.
* Make room in your relationship for differences and value them.
* Relationships are flexible - let your relationship adapt and
grow as you do.
* Try not to judge, criticize or blame each other.
* No one is perfect, arguments happen, resolve them with respect.
* Be attentive and romantic - remember how it was when you first
met.4
Communication
Every relationship requires good communication is it is going to last.
Here is a list of things that can keep people from communicating with
each other.
* Fear of exposing my/our deep feelings and my/our weaknesses.
* Fear that my partner will not understand my deep feelings.
* Fear of hurting my partner.
* Fear that my partner may hurt me by blaming me or putting me
down.
* Fear of appearing less in my partner's eyes.
* Fear of being rejected by my partner.
* Fear of not being taken seriously.
* Uncertainty and confusion about what I really feel.
* Fear of negative feedback from my partner.
* Fear of appearing stupid.
* Fear of appearing self-centered.
* Fear that my partner will not be able to cope with such
disclosures and I will not be able to cope with my partner's
reactions.
* Fear that my partner will not be able to give me the help I
think I need.
* Fear of making a bad situation worse, or ruining a good
situation.4
None of these fears should keep you from talking. Remember, its only
fear, and usually without merit.
People sometimes need help to be able to talk openly. Here's a list of
things you can do to help:
* Set aside time for both of you to talk.
* Talking about what is happening and how it affects you is the
first step.
* Try to tell your partner exactly what you are feeling and
thinking, even if it might upset him/her.
* Don't forget, change can be painful and scary. Let your partner
know you understand this.
* Listen to your partner. Put aside your own thoughts for the time
being.
* Try to understand his/her intentions, needs, wants.
* State what you want.
* Negotiate.
Communication requires listening, not just waiting to talk. Here are
some of the things you can do to be a good listener:
* Keeps comfortable eye contact.
* Leans towards the other person and makes appropriate gestures to
indicate interest and concern.
* Has an 'open' position - fairly relaxed posture with arms and
legs uncrossed.
* Faces the other - does not stand or sit sideways.
* Sits or stands on the same level to avoid looking up to or down
on the speaker.
* Avoids distracting physical gestures, such as fidgeting with a
pen, glancing at papers, tapping feet or finger.
* Realizes that physical barriers, such as noise or interruptions
are likely to make effective communication difficult.
* Is genuine when attention and interest are shown.
Conflict/Anger/Violence
Conflict
Conflict is going to happen in every relationship. It helps keep the
relationship healthy. If you avoid conflict, you could be avoiding
issues that need to be resolved before they destroy your relationship.
Also, conflict helps us learn and grow both as people and as part of a
couple.
Here's a list of some healthy ways to disagree:
* We can agree to disagree.
* Relationships are about give and take, just so long as it's not
always the same person that gives and the same one that takes.
* Listening to each other's point of view is critical.
* There is never only and either/or way to resolve and issue. Look