BEHAVIOR PATTERNS BETRAY ABUSER'S URGE TO CONTROL
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JustMe
Dec 30, 2007, 12:26:32 PM12/30/07
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http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/20071219/lf_ucda/behaviorpatternsbetrayabusersurgetocontrol;_ylt=ArjR3EnBYJmNR0qiImdA2rTNbbUC
By Abigail Van Buren
Tue Dec 18, 7:57 PM ET
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a
letter from "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of
two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar
opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate,
generous and caring."
She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and
the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are
with him -- he pays for everything -- and he doesn't leave until her
kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies
her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful,
but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened." Her
question: "Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like
being spoiled?"
I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about
personal space, that she's still healing from her divorce, and he
seems so smitten or insecure that he's preventing her from figuring
out where she ends and he begins.
Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is
a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.
Today I'll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've
never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an
exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits
unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet
someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're
late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the
money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and
meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses
people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may
deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a
job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's
fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says,
"You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell
you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when
he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are
just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals
brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond
their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease
them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their
partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or
holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape
exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says
blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This
may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal
abuse.
(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at
home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says
the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or
"I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way,"
or "I didn't really mean it."
By Abigail Van Buren
Tue Dec 18, 7:57 PM ET
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a
letter from "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of
two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar
opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate,
generous and caring."
She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and
the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are
with him -- he pays for everything -- and he doesn't leave until her
kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies
her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful,
but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened." Her
question: "Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like
being spoiled?"
I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about
personal space, that she's still healing from her divorce, and he
seems so smitten or insecure that he's preventing her from figuring
out where she ends and he begins.
Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is
a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.
Today I'll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've
never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an
exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits
unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet
someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're
late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the
money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and
meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses
people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may
deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a
job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's
fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says,
"You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell
you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when
he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are
just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals
brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond
their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease
them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their
partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or
holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape
exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says
blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This
may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal
abuse.
(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at
home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says
the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or
"I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way,"
or "I didn't really mean it."
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