OOOOH THOSE EXPECTATIONS!
2fu...@sbcglobal.net
was Joe on the phone, Lisa's boyfriend. He tells Lisa that he would
like to hang out for a few minutes. Lisa agrees to meet him at a local
coffee shop.
Lisa arrives at the scheduled time and sees Joe standing in line to get
a drink. Lisa is a little disappointed because she feels Joe should
have waited for her to arrive before he ordered. Lisa joins Joe in
line, they order, and Joe pays for her coffee. Although Lisa thanks
him, she can't help but think that he should have waited for her.
Lisa and Joe find a table and sit down. Just as they begin to talk,
Joe's older brother Bob plops down with them and takes a slurp of Joe's
drink. He cheerfully thanks Joe for the drink and joins the
conversation. Lisa is irritated with Bob's intrusion and grows
increasingly intolerant of Joe's brother. Whispering to Joe, she asks
if they could go for a walk and possibly hang out with Bob some other
time. Joe grabs Lisa's hand and asks Bob to excuse them for a moment.
"Lisa, I don't know what's going on here, but you seem to be upset. I
thought it might be nice just to hang out for a while but not with this
attitude. You seemed irritated from the time you arrived."
"Well, I was a little irritated. I got here and you were already in
line. You didn't even wait for me to get here before you ordered. It
felt awkward when you paid for my coffee because if I had walked in 2
minutes later, I would have bought my own. After we finally get a
table, your brother just decides to join us. You didn't even say
anything. I thought we were going to hang out, just us two, and I felt
like you weren't even disappointed when he joined in on the
conversation."
"Hey Lisa, I don't know what you were expecting, but I didn't say
anything about us being alone. Secondly, Bob and I have been here for a
half hour. I called you from his cell phone because he suggested it.
About the being in line thing, Bob had already gotten me a drink so I
was returning the favor. Maybe you didn't realize it, but Bob drove me
here because my car is being repaired. Bob was nice enough to drive me
here, wait until my car was fixed, and was even willing to hang out
with his little brother and girlfriend. And to make matters worse,
you've been rude to him. I think you owe us both an apology."
It is appropriate to have expectations at certain times. It is
important to understand when to expect specific behaviors and how we
should communicate our expectations, keeping in mind that when we are
disappointed, it is usually based on an assumption or expectation that
was never communicated. Our disappointments are typically of our own
making.
In a loose sense, expectations come in all sorts of forms and types.
Rules for example, are a type of expectation. Most adults understand by
definition, that they are expected to follow rules. Most managers or
companies write their rules down somewhere, usually in a company
handbook or within a memo. There are normally consequences when rules
are not followed. Another type of expectation is a goal. Goals are
certainly not rules but, in a way, are expectations. When a team sets
goals, there is usually a time line established and a set of actions
defined and assigned to specific people or departments. Ideally, the
team stays in communication with one another and they adapt their plan
as needed, always keeping their objectives or goals in mind. They know
the expectations and agree to them. Rules and goals work when everyone
understands the objective or desired outcome. Rules are pretty simple.
They can be accepted by most people pretty easily because most of us
have been trained to "follow the rules" from the first day of preschool
on. Meeting goals are pretty simple too, that is if everyone
understands the objective, wants the same things, and the lines of
communication stay open. Expectations in general are much the same. If
all the parties involved understand that first, there is an expectation
of some sort and secondly, that they are expected to do something or
act in some specific way, it works out- but only if everyone wants the
same thing.
So, for an expectation to be realistic:
a) All the parties involved must understand that the expectation exists
b) All the parties involved understand that the expectation requires
that they are supposed to act in some specific way
c) All the parties involved agree that the expectation is what they
want, no matter what their motive
Lets look at the case of Lisa, Joe, and his brother Bob again. Each
time Lisa became disappointed, it was based on an assumption with an
expectation attached that was not met. First, she assumed that Joe had
called her from home or somewhere other than the coffee shop. She also
assumed they were meeting alone. She was offended when Joe was in line
as she arrived because she assumed he got there as she did. She also
assumed that Joe drove to the coffee shop on his own and that Bob was
an intruder at their table. This is a classic example of how we
somethimes set ourselves up to be disappointed. In this case Lisa was
completely responsible for her unhappiness. Joe and Bob did not
understand that any expectations existed, they didn't realize that they
were supposed to act in some specific way, and could not possibly have
agree that they wanted what Lisa wanted- they had no way of even
knowing the expectation existed in the first place.
Unfortunately, we can set ourselves up in much the same way at the
office if we aren't aware of our assumptions. In the case of our
character Lisa, is likely that she did not understand that she assumed
anything at all. This is key- becoming aware of our natural tendency to
assume things with people, places, or things we are familiar with.
There is no reason to completely avoid assuming certain things- for
example you might be safe to assume that the conference table and
chairs will be in the meeting room tomorrow because they have always
been there in the past, but it may not be smart to assume that your
boss will be at a meeting you are presenting at when you have never
given a presentation before. No precedent has been set so there is
nothing to base the expectation on. You are familiar with your boss
and you may be tempted to assume something about his character or
management style that would lead you to believe he would attend your
first presentation; but you cannot make that assumption. Your boss may
be committed to other activities or may feel that it would be good for
your confidence to go it on your own. There could be a million reasons
he would not attend and no real reason he might; none other than your
unreasonable assumption that he'll be there. Your boss doesn't attend
and you are likely to become angry and hurt. And who is responsible for
your pain? You are. No one else. If you behave badly as a result of
your hurt, it only complicates things further.
We can't nor should we stop making assumptions completely, but the
awareness that some expectations are rational while others are not can
help us avoid feeling angry or hurt. It is human nature to feel that we
"know" people or believe that we can predict how they may behave. And
It can be argued that past behavior can predict future behavior- but
not every time, no matter how well we know a person. When we are wrong
about our assumptions, we get disappointed. The number of expectations
we have on the people in the world will be exactly proportionate to the
degree of happiness we experience. Think about Lisa, Joe, and Bob. I
hope the story looks different now then it did when you first read it.