Post Ma'apilim Seminar update
Ben Marsh
Maya Lamm
Maya Lamm
Sarah Breiner
Zev Dever
Sent from my iPad
Becca Kahn Bloch
Anna Alysse Fuchs
Sarah Breiner
Hey Kvutza,
So I didn’t really want to say this as an answer to a question about making a hangout, and to be honest, its pretty hurtful to be asked that so bluntly on the listserve, especially form people who have been talking with me and know how I am feeling about all of this. Sorry to call people out in response, but honestly that really sucked to see those answers to me not making a hangout. I think sometimes in Habonim we get excited/gossipy about life decisions, and that’s frustrating because its not a joke and its hurtful when really big decisions are reduced to yes or no answers rather than Sicha. But since the question is out there, I guess I should answer it and send this since I’ve been meaning to for a while.
I want to let you all know that I’m officially stepping out of the Israel track/gal bet. I’ve been feeling this for a while and I think it’s the right choice for me. I’ve been realizing that whenever we have calls or discuss moving to Israel I feel really paniced and I think its cause I really don’t feel that I should go, and that questions about Israel and movement life there have become really unclear for me.
Over the past few months I’ve been learning/thinking/writing about Israel, the Diaspora and Jewish identity. I’ve been thinking about the legitimacy of Israel, and what realistic futures I can imagine for it. I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about Jewish identity and how its fostered in the Diaspora vs. Israel, and for me, I’ve really come to a place where I don’t think I could go to Israel and move it forward in a better direction. Its really hard me to think anymore, that running a state is beneficial to Jewish peoplehood. This process has been really hard and confusing but also enlightening and I think that studying a much more rounded version of Zionism and thinking more deeply about the diaspora has been a really beneficial process for me.
With the whole thing of choosing messima, Israel, and kvutza, its hard because I think the only one I could really choose is kvutza. Messima has begun to feel very limiting to me. When I think about the possibilities of life in America, it feels much more open, and that I have more opportunities. I think moving to Israel, for me, would be committing to an amount of structure that I just don’t want. The past four years its been really hard to find meaning in my life outside of Habonim and to find my relationships fulfilling. However this year, through both being around really wonderful non-habos I feel like there’s a lot of potential for relationships that are different to those of kvutza. I don’t say this to devalue kvutza at all, or any of you for that matter, just that where I’m at, I feel for the first time in while, that although I want kvutza, that I can also find meaning and happiness from non-kvutza relationships as well.
All of this is really hard for me to say, and I’ve been putting it off, because of what it potentially means. I’m really afraid for what this means for my relationships with you all. I really struggle with the notion of “partners” in the way we use it in Habonim. (and I have for a long time, not just in response to how I’m feeling now). Its really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that people are only your partners if they make the exact same life choices. I feel like people who have already left this process are my partners and will continue to be so for many years. I also hope that regardless of what decisions I or any of you make, that that doesn’t sever our relationship, or understanding of ourselves as life partners. If it does, then that’s a really sad thing for me. I guess I’m saying this because its what I’m most afraid of in sharing where I’m at with all of you. I really don’t want this to be the end of relationships that have been so important for the last five years.
I don’t really know what else to say about this. I guess that its been hard, but once I said it out loud, I felt really liberated and I think that means its probably the right choice. I also want to say that although in most ways, this is closing the door on something, I don’t really believe in closing doors permanently, and I don’t know what will happen in the future or how my views might progress from here.
I’m pretty busy these days, but if you wanna talk about this, (or say hi, cause I miss you!) feel free to call me.
Much Love,
Sarah
Ben Marsh
Eve Lifson
Eve Lifson
Sophia Blumenthal
